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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder is she is really oblivious or just downright cruel?

63 replies

ApignamedJasper · 27/04/2015 09:52

I have a friend whose husband left her for another woman around November last year - he immediately moved in with said OW and introduced her to their 2 young daughters (4&2).

When he has contact with his girls he wants to spend time with them and new gf so she is usually around when he sees them.

2 yr old is a bit young to understand but recently 4 yr old has been asking a lot of questions recently about 'when is daddy coming home', 'why doesn't daddy live here anymore' etc. Preseumably she has been asking these question when at her dad's too because she's recently been coming home from the contact time in tears, very distressed because OW has been telling 4yr old that 'daddy doesn't love mummy anymore, daddy loves me' and 'daddy doesn't live there anymore because he love me now and not mummy' and so on.

Aibu to wonder if she is just being deliberately cruel and nasty just to stick the boot in a it more or she is just woefully ignorant of how much saying stuff like that hurts a 4yr old child and her mother? Said OW is 17, it wouldn't be relevant except for the fact I think her possible ignorance may be due to her age, although I don't personally think its an excuse for behaving so appaullingly but maybe Aibu!

DF is obviously very unhappy at this woman spending any time at all with her daughters, especially since she has made it clear that she 'hates kids' but when she raised this with ExH he didn't care and said what they do in his contact time is his business.

OP posts:

senrensareta · 27/04/2015 09:56

17???

She might be an OW but she is still a child herself in my book. At that age I would guess she is ignorant and all your friend can do is explain as much as possible at the children's level so they don't need to ask OW

nancy75 · 27/04/2015 09:57

The ow is hardly a woman at all, I would say her childish explanation of it all is because she really is little more than a child herself.

BaronVonShush · 27/04/2015 10:00

She isn't an OW she is an OC (other child). She knows what she is doing and she is being childish and hurtful.

Reginafalangie · 27/04/2015 10:00

That is an awful situation for DF.

There is little she can do given that he is refusing to listen. She could try talking to him again and express concern that the OW is causing emotional damage to their 4 yo. DF could approach mediation regarding access/contact and explain that she is concerned for her daughters emotional well being given what OW is saying.

Sorry your DF is going through this.

tiggytape · 27/04/2015 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rockybalboa · 27/04/2015 10:03

17?!? Wow. I would say a combination of oblivious and cruel but with an added pinch of significant immaturity and thinking like a child, not an adult. Your poor DF. Has she had legal advice? The current situation doesn't sound at all ideal for the children and they need to be the focus.

Dieu · 27/04/2015 10:04

This kind of thing fucks me off. Due to this girl's age, amongst other things, the whole thing probably won't last. So why confuse the little ones by introducing them to her so bloody early on? Stupid, stupid man. Your friend must be distraught.

londonrach · 27/04/2015 10:07

Poor kids the 2, 4 and 17 year old. Father got alot to answer for. Up to father to explain. 17 year old ow or girl is just being 17 in how she saying it. Whole situation is not ideal for everyone.

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 27/04/2015 10:09

I feel so angry for her too, the fact that he could just throw away their whole 7yr relationship and family with 2 children all for some girl he's known for 6 months. They only got married in May last year :(

That was my feeling too Baron, apparently she is unbearably smug with df everytime she sees her (she's always there when they drop the girls off after contact) in a kind of 'haha, I stole your husband' kind of way and I think this is just an extension of that. I just honestly cannot conceive of a reason why she would be so cruel and the fact that there is very little df can do about it just makes it worse.

Regina, how would she go about that? I very much suspect that he will not listen to anything df has to say if she tries to have a reasonable discussion with him, she has already been accused of 'stirring' and 'trying to cause trouble' when she has brought up previous concerns with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 27/04/2015 10:13

Oh, and just to make it worse, the OW actually attended their wedding, as she worked with Df's ex at the time.

Dieu, she is increadably distraught. It all happened very suddenly. I think, if he so chose, she would still take him back though even after everything.

OP posts:

roslyndee · 27/04/2015 10:15

christ alive, she's 17?! how old is your friend's ex-H?

Yes it is cruel and she should know better, but as PP have said at 17 she is barely more than a child herself, when I think back to the kind of things I said and did at 17 I cringe now.

Dieu · 27/04/2015 10:16

Poor thing. Feel genuinely bad for her. She can have these for now and this when their relationship goes tits up and he's begging to have her back

kissmethere · 27/04/2015 10:17

Ow is disgusting! Yes she is being cruel, I'd have in mind that what goes around comes around!
Gosh I'd think df has to talk to him and tell him the damage she is causing. Make it clear she doesn't want him back but this cruelty has to stop.
Wow I hope your df gets this sorted.

Dieu · 27/04/2015 10:18

Yes, I wouldn't have had a clue how to handle that situation at 17, and would have no doubt mucked it up. Not through malice, but ignorance and immaturity.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 27/04/2015 10:22

He CANNOT do whatever he fancies in these sessions.... It MUST be in the kids' best interests... This clearly is not!

If this is an informal arrangement - not court ordered, your friend could just insist that is the kids' and dad's time alone... without the 17 year old. Or, insist the contact takes place at the family home, again without the 17 yr old... As it is causing her children psychological damage, due to the 17 yr old's behaviour...

She can just stop the contact... They are too little to protect themselves from this poison.

He'll either see sense or have to go to court.

ICanTotallyDance · 27/04/2015 10:25

Seventeen! That's as shocking as the rest of it combined. Your friend's husband has a lot to answer for (how old is he, by the way?)

In regards to your main question, it's not clear. There is a chance that she is being malicious but there is also a chance that she really believes that "Daddy used to live with Mummy because he loved her and now Daddy lives with me because he loves me" is a child-friendly and appropriate explanation.

There's also a chance that she is both naive and cruel.

Your later posts has me leaning towards cruel but then again she's seventeen! She's little more than a child! Some people would still consider her a child!

Sorry I just can't get past her age.

I can't imagine that the new relationship will last and that's jus awful. Imagine hurting so many people for a short fling.

loveareadingthanks · 27/04/2015 10:31

Well...ok she wasn't very tactful, but Daddy doesn't love mummy any more and isn't going to be coming home. she's being truthful with the children, really - are your friend and Daddy fobbing the children off instead?

I think it's an age appropriate way to tell them, but it's the wrong person having to tell them. The parents should be clearer with the children themselves.

LittleIda · 27/04/2015 10:32

It sounds like the girlfriend is immature enough to see the little girl as a naughty child who needs to be put in her place, rather than the hurt, confused child who needs to be handled kindly and sensitively that she really is.

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 27/04/2015 10:37

Exactly, Ican. I very strongly suspect that what drew him to her in the first place is that she is 17, has no kids or responsibilities, doesn't work so has all her time and energy free to lavish attention on him. Age old story I'm afraid. Now that he & df have spilt, he's quit his job of 8yrs, got a whole new group of 18yr old friends he can go out and have fun with and now he's living at hers rent free he has loads of spare money to spend on stuff he wants, like new cars. He is a dickhead.

He is 26, so not old himself but nearly 10yrs older than her and had a wife and a family.

OP posts:

roslyndee · 27/04/2015 10:39

I think a 26 yr old married father going off with a 17 yr old is gross tbh. He has way more to answer for here than she does. Your DF's exH should be speaking to OW about it.

DoJo · 27/04/2015 10:40

I don't think that there is much mileage in analysing the teen's input into that situation - for all we know she has had a desperately unhappy home-life until now and is clinging on to the perceived 'success' of 'stealing' someone from his wife. (Not saying that excuses it, but the set-up is so odd that I would be astonished if there weren't some backstory to the fact this 17 year old is in this position!)
What really matters is that the father is so wrapped up in his own life that he is giving no thought to the impact that this situation is having on the children and that is the only thing that can really be addressed.
I agree with the PP who suggested that your friend stops contact, giving clear reasons why and takes steps to make the arrangements official in order to have an outside agency involved, which might just demonstrate to the father just how inappropriate it is to expose his children to this kind of dynamic.

Original poster

ApignamedJasper · 27/04/2015 10:42

Love, I do think there were at least a dozen better and more sensitive ways to explain it, I don't think that was very appropriate at all. There was other stuff said to 4yr old too that I can't remember word for word but in the vein of 'daddy left because he loves me now and not mummy' which just leads to a sobbing 4yr old asking her mum how she can make her dad love her again so he'll come back. Heartbreaking.

OP posts:

roslyndee · 27/04/2015 10:43

APig I agree with you but I don't think the OW is who the rage should be focussed on tbh. It's your friend's exH who should be dealing with this situation.

balletnotlacrosse · 27/04/2015 10:45

I think your friend needs to talk to her ex and make it very clear that his new partner saying this kind of thing in front of the children is unacceptable. The GF is really only a kid herself, most girls her age are still in school and being told to tidy their bedroom by their mums and to be home by midnight. You can't really expect her to deal with a very sensitive situation like this with appropriate tact and maturity. It's the dad's responsibility to step in when she starts coming out with stuff like that.
Mind you, I would wonder how mature he is. To get married and then run off with a 17 year old a few months later doesn't make him sound very grown up.

scallopsrgreat · 27/04/2015 10:48

Agree with others. Wrong person to focus on. The XH is the one handling the situation incredibly badly and cruelly (to both your DF and their children). Has he always been an arse?

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