Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To be upset that I always end up on the outside of things?

59 replies

WhyDoIBotherBothering · 26/04/2015 19:23

I always feel like I'm on the outside of friendship groups and am never really included or thought highly of. I think people see me as just someone that is there.

It happened at school, it happens in friendship groups, and now it's happened to me with my work colleagues.

I've been in the job for 6 months and am not the newest staff member now. I enjoy the job and like my colleagues and thought I got on with them all. However they've recently done a couple of things and excluded me; most recent thing is on Friday I went to the loo and when I came back all of my colleagues had gone off to the pub for lunch and just left me there! I didn't know where they'd gone until they came back and they made jokes about forgetting all about me!

And thinking about it they are all over each others Facebook statuses and photos yet none of them ever like or comment on anything of mine. I try to join in on theirs but I just get the impression that there are in-jokes that I'm not party to.

I am part time and most of them are full time, and also the office queen bee does not seem to like me very much so maybe this is it.

How can I make myself included in things? Why am I always left on the outside of stuff?

OP posts:

TinyTearsFirstLove · 26/04/2015 19:27

It's funny because I was thinking about this the other day and feel exactly the same. I'd love to know what the 'secret' is to being included in things and how to make friends.
Sometimes I sit there and try to think what I do wrong. I ask people about themselves to make conversation etc but I just can't seem to become a member of a group. I feel your pain!

AuntyMag10 · 26/04/2015 19:28

The secret is confidence.

Original poster

WhyDoIBotherBothering · 26/04/2015 19:28

I feel like I make friends fairly well and have friends on an individual basis but in groups I'm just rubbish, even when I think I'm included it turns out I am not really :(

OP posts:

TinyTearsFirstLove · 26/04/2015 19:29

More importantly, I am terrified that this will then pass on to my children. I have had lots of children to play, made sure my kids are in clubs, encourage the to say hello to school friends but they don't seem to make friends easily either!

Original poster

WhyDoIBotherBothering · 26/04/2015 19:29

I am confident though AuntyMag, or at least I wouldn't consider myself unconfident if that makes sense.

I really thought I was 'in the group' with my work colleagues and that I'd gelled with them well but turns out I was wrong and this is always what happens.

OP posts:

TinyTearsFirstLove · 26/04/2015 19:30

AuntyMag I think you've hit the nail on the head!

DinkyDye · 26/04/2015 19:33

Please don't take this the wrong way, but are you trying too hard? Sometimes people can see that as a'backup friend' as they may think you're desperate to be their friend. So if they don't include you now, you'll be there down the line if they need you?

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 26/04/2015 19:37

I don't think it is necessarily confidence, although it can be. I know some very confident people who aren't well liked. I was confident myself till I started Secondary school. I suspect the bullies saw it as a challenge.

BabyTuckoo · 26/04/2015 19:37

Honestly, OP, it sounds as if it's become something if a self-fulfilling prophecy - you think of yourself as the type to be excluded from groups, you perceive these groups everywhere, and people act on your belief that you're not memorable or desirable enough to be in the 'inner circle'. For instance, what did you say or do when your colleagues came back from lunch?

Original poster

WhyDoIBotherBothering · 26/04/2015 19:39

When they came back from lunch I said "Where did you all get to?" and they said "To the pub" and I said jokingly "Oh cheers for my invite", and then they kept all joking about how they'd forgotten me.

To be fair, they probably did forget me, but it's because I am just always overlooked. I can't imagine any of the other colleagues would simply be forgotten about.

OP posts:

PeppermintCrayon · 26/04/2015 19:40

If you expect to be left out it does become a vicious circle sadly. As woo as it sounds, the answer comes from within - you need to try to work on your own confidence.

Frikadellen · 26/04/2015 19:43

Am I the only one who thinks it is pretty appalling they bullyingor lunch at the pib without op and then makes jokes about it?

I would find that very hurtful behaviournamd borderliner bullyim

Shouldof · 26/04/2015 19:43

Sounds like you need to indicate more group activities yourself. Take some control...

Original poster

WhyDoIBotherBothering · 26/04/2015 19:44

I've tried, Shouldof, but when I have tried to organise things no one is up for it.

OP posts:

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 26/04/2015 19:47

I completely empathise OP, similar here. I agree, it isn't about confidence (I'm hardly a shrinking violet!), it's something else. Hoping others might have useful insights

Eustasiavye · 26/04/2015 19:48

Next time they mention a trip to the pub or whatever say oh I'd like to come too if that’s ok. Then keep your ear out for when they next intend going. Unless someone specifically says they don't want you there then assume you are going!

It may be hard because you are part time but you could always facebook one of the others and ask when are we all off to the pub again?

Frikadellen · 26/04/2015 19:48

I wouldn't find joking about it funny either and would have expected colleagues to be really embarrassed and have apologised for forgetting one of the team.

I am surprised that op gets told it is her manner when this aort of behaviour if happening.

Original poster

WhyDoIBotherBothering · 26/04/2015 19:50

That's the thing though; no one mentioned it, it was a case of me going to the loo and being gone for 5 minutes and coming back and they'd all vanished.

OP posts:

Stillyummy · 26/04/2015 19:50

When I feel like that I always ask myself:
Do I like these people or are they just better than being on my own?

The answer is always yes as I am picky about my proper friends. I then feel better.

The80sweregreat · 26/04/2015 19:51

i feel for you. I have often been left out of things before and its horrible. I cant give any advice, but keep,your chin up and try not to let it all get to you.

Original poster

WhyDoIBotherBothering · 26/04/2015 19:53

I find it so hurtful too that they just never comment on my Facebook or even like anything of mine yet they all like and comment on everything of each others'. I have always commented on things of theirs but will stop doing that for now as they clearly don't like me.

OP posts:

AuntyMag10 · 26/04/2015 19:53

Do you think this pub arrangement was made on a day when you weren't there and wasn't discussed up until it was time to leave? So maybe a case of arrangement made when 5 people were there, when it was time to leave the 5 people were there so they didn't 'notice ' you?

NutcrackerFairy · 26/04/2015 19:56

I know exactly what you mean.

I am also reasonably confident and happy enough in my own skin.

People generally seem to like me... but I always feel like an afterthought in social groups and gatherings.

And I always seem to be overshadowed and overlooked. So for example, I made a good friend recently who is the Mum of friends of my DC. We seemed to be getting on well and meeting for coffee, socialising over a glass of wine, etc. However then another Mum started to join in... and completely took over. She instigated meet ups and was bubbly and helpful and friendly. A very nice person but it did feel as if she was trying hard to position herself as indispensable and essential to Mum 1 and suddenly I find that I am being pushed out. I hear about Mum 1 and 2's meet ups via facebook and realise that yet again I have not been invited. Should be no biggie really, I am big and ugly enough to handle it, but what gets me is this happens again and again in life, starting from high school days up to present day [I am now 40].

I think confidence may be key as I tend to be more passive in relationships and would hate to be seen as pushy, controlling or demanding. So I tend to go the opposite way and I think people perhaps then see me as happy with my own company or busy with other things as I sit somewhere on the periphery. And the women who are more socially confident and instigate get togethers and actively offer to do things like baking [because they are good at it] or advising on home decor then overshadow my quieter attempts to be a good, supportive friend.

I do feel that people take me for granted somewhat. I am often the first person that they offload their worries or gripes on to but the last person they think of to invite out to drinks or a weekend away.

It makes me feel quite sad when I think about it tbh.

Sorry, that was long, didn't mean to hijack your thread OP. I don't go on like this in RL I promise!

MummaV · 26/04/2015 20:04

I can sympathise completely. I have a group of friends who I am close to on an individual basis but in a group I am always on the outside, they have conversations that I have no idea about because they've all been talking or meeting up without including me. Recently I found they all went to visit one of the group (who lives about an hour away) and had a day at the beach without even mentioning it to me. I only found out as they posted a status on Facebook.

I send them messages, call them frequently, meet up with them regularly on an individual and group basis but I always feel on the outside and left out of plans and group gossip such as new partners etc.

It may be worth trying to make good friends with the ring leader, I found in my work environment making friends on an individual basis with the person who organised events at least got me an invite which then allowed me to make friends with other members of the group.

for you.

49again · 26/04/2015 20:14

I think it can be what you offer to the group dynamic. Some people will never be left out because they are needed to organise/take charge or be funny or be interesting or gossipy or whatever.

We have been trying to organise a works night out. It always gets cancelled if certain key people can't be there. It doesn't sound very nice but you are guaranteed a good time with some characters but a quieter evening with the more non-descript.

Flip

1 2 3