To be upset that I always end up on the outside of things?

[WhyDoIBotherBothering]

I always feel like I'm on the outside of friendship groups and am never really included or thought highly of. I think people see me as just someone that is there.

It happened at school, it happens in friendship groups, and now it's happened to me with my work colleagues.

I've been in the job for 6 months and am not the newest staff member now. I enjoy the job and like my colleagues and thought I got on with them all. However they've recently done a couple of things and excluded me; most recent thing is on Friday I went to the loo and when I came back all of my colleagues had gone off to the pub for lunch and just left me there! I didn't know where they'd gone until they came back and they made jokes about forgetting all about me!

And thinking about it they are all over each others Facebook statuses and photos yet none of them ever like or comment on anything of mine. I try to join in on theirs but I just get the impression that there are in-jokes that I'm not party to.

I am part time and most of them are full time, and also the office queen bee does not seem to like me very much so maybe this is it.

How can I make myself included in things? Why am I always left on the outside of stuff?

I think they're being very mean and cliquey, the pub thing sounds deliberate.

Sometimes it helps to be less nice. You don't have to accept this treatment. If one of others had been left behind in loo, how would they have reacted? How would the queen bee have reacted if she was left behind? They would probably have been openly annoyed, or upset, and not let others forget it. A few sarcastic comments about people's poor memories (to show you're not happy being forgotten) would be more effective than being so kind and understanding.

If you want to break into a group, one of the best ways is to act very confident and refuse to be beaten down or pushed away. A good technique is to single out one of the bitchiest women and tease her openly in front of everyone, making sly jokes at her expense, so others laugh at her. Others probably dislike her to and will enjoy seeing her publicly taken down a peg. Show you are not afraid of what people think of you, and stand up for weaker members of the group or others on the edge who are sometimes excluded. If the queen bee is nasty to you, try to publicly humiliate her in front of the group (always in a lighthearted humerous way) so the others see you are not afraid of her and not in awe of her. At end of day everyone wants to be included and if you show you are not put off by the ringleaders, and are kinder than they are, people will warm to you. Bitchy cliquey people tend to rule by making others afraid of exclusion, but are often secretly disliked by many.

This technique is very successful in my experience. I used it a lot when working as a locum (entering new departments you are always the outsider to begin with but can quickly become popular and respected by standing up to the queen bees or the most feared women). Just remember to always keep it jokey, analyse their weak spots before striking, and never lose your cool.

Mind you, part-timers are generally treated like second-class citizens in my profession and I have suffered from this myself.

Im always on the outside of everything too. I am never thought of ever. I often get no likes or comments on my FB status's. I hardly make any now, what's the point? I just want to feel wanted, but apart from DH and DC's I very very rarely do.

Im too nice and think my confidence could do with a bit of a boost. Although I do appear confident on first impressions. I think I may come across as boring TBH, but once people get to know me Im ace. All it takes is to see me drunk and everyone says how funny I am, but its just getting that invitation in the first place.

Feeling sorry for myself now even though I had decided to be content with my current life. It could be so much worse.

I agree that it sounds deliberate, it's very convenient that they all disappeared so quickly, and they would have been checking with each other in the time leading up to it to make sure everyone was ready. If you didn't hear it,it was probably by email.

It's not about confidence but it is all about self-esteem. OP your work colleagues acted in a shitty manner to you. Whether you put up with it or not is up to you. Try to boost your self-esteem as high as it will go, and remember that it doesn't matter what they think ( Bitches ). Get a pizza delivered to work for only you to eat. Ignore FB, it is not the real world. Can you find a new hobby so you get a break from FB and meet new people. Wishing you the best

I have the same problems. I've always been on the edge of the group. I notice that others get a better reaction than me in group situations. People are nice to me but I get the feeling I'm an extra - they wouldn't mind if I didn't show up.

I wonder what it is exactly about me. Lack of confidence maybe. I am conscious of how I act - friendly - be interested in others etc. I'm doing something wrong though

At this stage in my life the cycle has happened so many times I'm becoming resigned -life might be easier if I just get used to my own company

Thank you so much everyone for the great replies and advice

everyusernameisinuse I get that feeling too; people are nice to me but I don't think anyone is ever bothered about whether I go to something or not, and if someone is chatting to me they are easily distracted if someone better to chat to comes along.

I don't think anyone is ever bothered about whether I go to something or not, and if someone is chatting to me they are easily distracted if someone better to chat to comes along

I know this feeling only too well the question being is how do you become that someone better? I often find it difficult to be acknowledged when I say something during a group conversation. I get interrupted or at best ignored.

Perhaps if a similar thing happens again, pull them up on it. Would something like 'It was really rude of you to leave without me' have any effect? Don't laugh it off, though. They're behaving like bullying bitches.

I feel exactly the same and it's happened my entire life, too. School, uni, work, hobbies - all places where I've often been overlooked, and still am. Several years ago I actually had friends discuss a night in at one of their houses right in front of me but not invite me. If I try to arrange a night out with friends I'm met with a barrage of pathetic excuses, so I've stopped bothering. At work I'm on the periphery because I'm a bit older than the majority of my colleagues and not cool enough, plus I hate office politics and refuse to brown nose I can't wait to leave.

The older I get, the more disappointed I am in people.

They aren't friends they're colleagues and acquaintances. Just don't "try" do your job etc. and leave them to it. I have a very small circle of people I call friends and I personally like it that way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

It's really hard but can you try reframing the way that you view yourself and situations? Challenge some of your beliefs about yourself, and reframe the way you see things.
For example: Work colleagues have gone to the pub without me, that means that they don't like me, why am I always being left out-
Try reframing this thought in a different light, such as: they didn't deliberately mean to exclude me, they just didn't think to include me because I'm new and not quite well known yet, but people still like me and they il ask me next time
On Facebook- no one comments on my statutes therefore no one is interested in me-
Reframe this thought: maybe my statutes don't appear in people's news feeds, perhaps they meant to comment on my status but forgot, people get caught up in their own lives and forget about me but that doesn't mean that they don't like me etc

This really does work.
Also, try doing some things for yourself to increase your own confidence, can you take up a hobby or join an exercise group for example that will help you to view yourself ina more positive e way?
Your really need to stop the negative thought cycle you are trapped in or it will become self fulfilling. Good luck!

Don't bother with these people they sound horrible and will knock your self esteem even lower.

Don't defined them on fb, just have them restricted and don't comment on theirs. Do your own thing at lunch. Life is too short to have people treating you badly in it.

I wouldn't want to break into that group of work colleagues. Neither would I want to break into a group that have queen bees in it who i need to humiliate to be accepted.

But back to the general issue of being left out - I get invited to loads of things and I know it's because I'm one of those go-to social lubricant people who can be dumped in a room and get to know everyone, be friendly and chatty, make people feel good about themselves, have a laugh etc etc.

Actually, sometimes it's quite draining having to do all the work at social situations and constantly feeling like you have to create a rapport and get the party going.

That doesn't solve your problem, I know, but I just wanted to offer an alternative viewpoint.

I agree about confidence as others have mentioned. Your colleagues were exceptionally rude, there is no place for that sort of nonsense in a professional environment. I have the opposite problem, I don't want to join in but feel most of them timeline I'm beating people of with a stick. This isn't a stealth boast, I really do hate it, but it's happened to me so much over the years. My very very homespun pinch of salt theory is that if you are confident and aren't bothered what your colleagues are doing, then you are setting yourself up as the group alpha, ie the alpha doesn't need or want the approval of others. This automatically makes the rest of the "herd" start clamouring for your friendship and approval. That is the only logical thing I can think of, as the more disinterested I am, the worse the attention gets!
Hope you're OK OP.

It sounds like those colleagues are just not very nice.

I find that in general, the harder you try to please someone, the less they "value" you.

People don't like people who always agree with them, are always friendly and appear interested, and "like" all their facebook posts...

Perversely being a bit "harder to get", aloof/grumpy/ unpredictable can make people try a bit harder.

Trying too hard doesn't work. You lose a bit of self esteem in the process too. Essentially you cannot make people like you. But the less you try, the easier it gets. (Only then you have the problem: do I actually like them?!)

Are these actually nice people, or are they a bit crap but you just prefer being included?

Crosspost with stars

I worry so much about offending or upsetting people but I agree I need to be a bit more aloof and detached.

Aloof works for me

Remember: "those who matter don'tmind, and those who mind don't matter" or something like that

Just be yourself.

Another one: " never aplogise, never explain"

Don't start sentences with "sorry, but..." For example.

I could have written your post except I've been in my current workplace a lot longer.

Tbh I'm sick to death of the office politics & 'if the face fits' attitude & have decided to step back & make a bit more effort with my friendships outside of work.

I'm sorry that's probably not that helpful, but imo life is too short to spend fretting about people that don't give a hoot about you/me.

I sort of think don't worry about it. Sometimes in groups I may not say a word (bit annoying sometimes) but I know I am a good friend to people and I am much better one-on-one with friends.

If you like someone, meet with just them for lunch. If you hear about a group lunch and want to go just ask out right but don't worry if they say something to try and put you off.

I can't explain what I really mean but it is along the lines of accept yourself and just accept them for who ever they are. (Because your colleagues may be a bit odd? Who knows). Don't worry about Facebook. People use it differently. You may have changed your settings. They may have changed theirs without realising.

I would also think about what you really want from your friendships and aim for that. Is it some close like minded friends. Or more social butterfly type friendships. But perhaps that is what you mean by wanting to be included in the group socialising. Good luck figuring it out. My gut feeling is not to worry just work on what you really want.

I always felt like this at work - in my first job I only made one really close friend - and always felt I was on the outside of the clique. (And had always felt like that at school too). My second proper job started out the same, it was a really awkward atmosphere and no-one seemed to be really close friends. I really didn't feel like I fitted in.

Then a few people quit and new people came in, I made a couple of friends, and gradually we built a team around us. We went from being the department of outsiders and oddballs in the company to being the tightest team there, the ones who were all genuine friends, the gang everyone wanted to be in. it was amazing to suddenly know how it felt to be in a proper work gang with real friends.

Of course it didn't last as people quit and moved on, but I am still FB friends with most of these people and real lifelong friends with a few of them. It isn't a quick fix solution, but things can get better slowly, people leave and peoples' allegiances shift.

It may only have been a brief period when that particular group of friends was together - maybe a year - but getting up to go to work knowing I had real friends there was great, and massively helped my confidence at work.. .it may not have lasted but the memories are worth their weight in gold. Good luck. It may take a while, but I hope you get there too.

Sorry you've been left out. I've spent many years on the periphery of an old group of friends and now that they are all having kids and I'm not at that point yet I get left out of everything. Eg, weddings that the rest of the group will be invited to but I won't be or just for the evening. Just sort of excluded in some way.

The last 'girls night out' the venue changed and instead of being somewhere I could get home easily alone it turned into somewhere I would have had to drive by myself (and not drink) whereas the rest of them could go home in a group and drink. I just decided I can't be arsed with it all any more; nobody mentioned that I didn't turn up or responded to my post on the group invite thread saying sorry I hadn't made it.

So I will see 1 or 2 of them on a one to one basis but the rest; I just won't bother giving them the time of day any more! And spend my time/money doing something I enjoy or spending time cultivating better relationships with newer friends I haven't got to know so much yet that I've met through other friends/DP!

Life is too short to always be the one who is left out and battling against the tide. I appreciate it's harder when you work with people but I think it's harder to make people include you if they clearly don't want to than it is to brush it off and say screw them and find something else to do. Maybe spend the money saved on the pub lunch on a spot of Internet shopping on your break instead?! And accept that maybe large groups aren't for you if you struggle to be heard and maybe seeing one or two closer friends on a less 'busy' basis is more your thing? Hope you feel better soon

I'm the same. I try not to let it get MD down but it does. What's worse is I can see the same thing happening to my DD at school and I'm wondering if it's my fault. Is she modelling her behaviour on me which is sending out a certain vibe? I am not confident at all except in 1:1 situations and she is the same.

Is there one of the group of colleagues you could speak to in private and explain how hurt you were to be left out, and ask him/her why nobody thought to include you? It's risky in that if you choose the wrong person he/she could bitch about you behind your back, but maybe there is something specific you are doing that is discouraging them from including you? Are you maybe close to a senior person in your office, so they'd feel less able to gossip and bitch about the bosses? Or are you senior to any of them?

Though to be honest they are probably just bitches. I know where you are coming from and am sorry to hear you are in this position. I was never great in groups but on the other hand I have had, and continue to have, some fantastically close one-on- one friendships; I seem to be better at those and find them more fulfilling anyway.

I think if you are keen to break into this group then CaspianSea's advice is spot on. Mind you they sound like a bunch of bitches, maybe think about whether you really do want to be their friend.
One word about FB though: I am never, never, never FB friends with work colleagues. IMO that mixes business and pleasure and is a recipe for disaster. I only ever become FB friends with people from work after I have left, and even then only very occasionally.