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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 'playdates' are 'playdates' however they come about?

72 replies

Land0r · 25/04/2015 21:39

I realised recently that my DC are never invited to play at anyone's house, yet we have other children here all the time. We live close to school so I'm first point of call for friends who are working late, have appointments, are unable to collect etc. That's fine and my DC enjoy having friends to play.

The other day a friend whose DC I have a lot due to her unpredictable work schedule was telling me which children they had had over to play during the Easter holidays, whose houses her DC had been to etc, so I commented that mine are never invited anywhere.

She said this actually came up in conversation with some of the mums over Easter (I assume they were talking about who they'd seen over the holidays), and apparently the reason is because we never invite anyone to play. Yes, we always have children here - they play, they have tea, very occasionally they sleep over if they can't be collected until very late, they do all the usual things that they'd do if they'd been invited to play - but it seems that because their parents are ASKING me to have them, rather than us INVITING them, it somehow doesn't count as a 'playdate'. So they don't reciprocate. (I'm not quite sure how this became 'the done thing' though!)

Obviously I don't mind having the other children here, but I feel sad for my lovely DC that they never get to go to any of their friends' houses. I don't really want to start inviting even more children here in the hope that my DC will get invited back, as we all enjoy the (increasingly rare) times when it's just us. Not sure what - if anything - to do.

OP posts:
edwinbear · 25/04/2015 21:43

I'd stop being so available to people who haven't reciprocated hosting personally.

abigamarone · 25/04/2015 21:44

I'd possibly find myself unable to help out at short notice if the miserable ungrateful gits took that attitude. But I'm a miserable git myself (wouldn't take advantage like that though)

abigamarone · 25/04/2015 21:45

And the fact they've discussed it and had the same mass response makes them a set of nobbers.

Griphook · 25/04/2015 21:45

I'd invite children rounds for a planned playdate. But would be unavailable for parents needing help if that's the attitude

OTheHugeManatee · 25/04/2015 21:46

What utterly ungrateful twats Shock

Original poster
Land0r · 25/04/2015 21:49

Thank you both for answering. People say I'm 'lucky' because I work from home (self employed with very flexible hours) and live so close to school - that's why I'm available. These were both deliberate decisions (no luck involved!) and I took a big drop in pay a few years ago to be able to work in this way while my children are young.

OP posts:
Eigg · 25/04/2015 21:50

Personally, I'd find out specifically who was involved in that conversation and suddenly become unavailable.

Anyone who did me a favour re childcare would be top of the invite list.

Comfortzone · 25/04/2015 21:50

Gosh the cheek of them! I'd be setting a boundary from now on re: their just dumping their kids with you & never reciprocating that is rude of them

So being 'terribly sorry I'm unavailable then as I'll have to be popping out to a couple of things at that time' etc etc
Then just set up proper playdates as others have suggested to keep the social thing for your kids on track again. Bit don't worry too much they probably got so caught up in their own world for a while and thought it was ok

Griphook · 25/04/2015 21:51

start missing their calls.

Actually I'd go back to the mum you spoke to and ask her the context of the group conversation about play dates and how the the convo started.

Floggingmolly · 25/04/2015 21:54

That's completely ridiculous. The neck of them "discussing" it among themselves and giving you the verdict! Hmm
Stop doing childcare favours for these ungracious idiots.

TwoOddSocks · 25/04/2015 21:55

That's weird, I'd be even more inclined to reciprocate if you'd done be a favour at my request rather than invited my DC yourself. It's pretty cheeky of them not to reciprocate (since they obviously invite other DC round) especially since it seems completely deliberate. Working from home does not equal free reliable childcare for every parent who wants it, they don't even seem to realise you're doing them a favour. I'd be less available.

Original poster
Land0r · 25/04/2015 21:55

Griphook, I'd like to think it wasn't them talking about me behind my back! Rather that they realised none of them had mentioned seeing my DC over the holidays, and it went on from there.

OP posts:
ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 25/04/2015 21:56

That sounds so bad, I can't believe they discussed it and all thought it was OK not to have your children over. Selfish twunts.

NightsOfGethsemane · 25/04/2015 21:59

In the nicest possible way, you sound like a bit of a mug. Why are you providing free childcare (not to mention food and sleepovers) to these people? I would think inviting you and your DCs round in the holidays was the very least they could do.

Just because you live close to school and have organised your work life to fit around your family life doesn't mean you have to be available to mind everyone else's kids for free.

longdiling · 25/04/2015 21:59

Are you kidding me?! The fact that they've asked you to have their kids means they owe you a return 'playdate' more than anyone else!! Definitely stop doing them favours, they're beyond rude.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 25/04/2015 22:00

I would offer to have your DC over to give you time for yourself.

A bit of give and take goes a long way.

Original poster
Land0r · 25/04/2015 22:02

I don't think for a minute that it was agreed collectively in advance! This has been going on for ages, but I only recently realised when my youngest brought home the class bear and diary, and just about every entry had photos of the bear on weekend playdates! I think I've just become the 'go to' parent for many, and they probably didn't realise that several others are doing exactly the same thing as them.

OP posts:
Eigg · 25/04/2015 22:05

Land you sound lovely but it's well past time to start saying no for a while.

MillionToOneChances · 25/04/2015 22:05

The cynic in me wonders whether they collectively don't invite your children as if they all reciprocated you might not have a friend of the appropriate age at home when they're the one needing to scrounge a favour yet again. That genuinely sucks.

I'm a childminder and happy to be first port of call for stuck friends to call on in times of need, but they always invite my child to theirs too.

Floggingmolly · 25/04/2015 22:07

They did discuss it behind your back Hmm. Possibly because they were at a meet up you weren't invited to... Why are you trying to excuse their behaviour?

NightsOfGethsemane · 25/04/2015 22:07

But why are you the go-to parent? Why can't they organise their own childcare? I would definitely help a fellow parent out in an emergency but I have a DD in year 2 and I have never had to call upon another parent to look after her at short notice. In fact, I think only me and my mum have ever collected her.

If you weren't so available, perhaps they'd try harder to schedule their appointments so they could collect their own DCs.

MillionToOneChances · 25/04/2015 22:08

My previous post was overly cynical. I definitely don't think they agreed it in advance.

It sounds as though they see it as you doing them a favour as a friend rather than the children choosing to spend time together and seeking one another out.

oneowlgirl · 25/04/2015 22:09

That's terrible Op. I totally agree with those saying not to be so available! If you were helping me out in the same way you describe, I'd be going out of my way to have your kids on play dates as much as possible.

In the words of an earlier poster, stop being such a mug (meant in the nicest possible way).

Original poster
Land0r · 25/04/2015 22:10

Thank you all for replying. Maybe I am too nice! I think I'm going to start saying no. (I'm not very good at that!)

OP posts:
AmateurSeamstress · 25/04/2015 22:13

That's bizarre! Why on earth are they not tripping over themselves to return your favours?

One option is to start calling in favours. Ask them to have your DC so you can be out somewhere.