Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think 'playdates' are 'playdates' however they come about?

72 replies

Land0r · 25/04/2015 21:39

I realised recently that my DC are never invited to play at anyone's house, yet we have other children here all the time. We live close to school so I'm first point of call for friends who are working late, have appointments, are unable to collect etc. That's fine and my DC enjoy having friends to play.

The other day a friend whose DC I have a lot due to her unpredictable work schedule was telling me which children they had had over to play during the Easter holidays, whose houses her DC had been to etc, so I commented that mine are never invited anywhere.

She said this actually came up in conversation with some of the mums over Easter (I assume they were talking about who they'd seen over the holidays), and apparently the reason is because we never invite anyone to play. Yes, we always have children here - they play, they have tea, very occasionally they sleep over if they can't be collected until very late, they do all the usual things that they'd do if they'd been invited to play - but it seems that because their parents are ASKING me to have them, rather than us INVITING them, it somehow doesn't count as a 'playdate'. So they don't reciprocate. (I'm not quite sure how this became 'the done thing' though!)

Obviously I don't mind having the other children here, but I feel sad for my lovely DC that they never get to go to any of their friends' houses. I don't really want to start inviting even more children here in the hope that my DC will get invited back, as we all enjoy the (increasingly rare) times when it's just us. Not sure what - if anything - to do.

OP posts:

edwinbear · 25/04/2015 22:15

"I'm so sorry, I can't have x that day, we have something else on" repeat ad infinitum. You'll soon get into the swing of it.

NightsOfGethsemane · 25/04/2015 22:15

Remember 'no is a complete sentence'.

chaletdays · 25/04/2015 22:15

They sound vile, and also a bit thick.

I would avoid them and certainly wouldn't be babysitting their kids anymore.

Pico2 · 25/04/2015 22:15

When asked to have other's DC, I'd start saying "That doesn't work for us. But little Johnny would be welcome to come for a PLAYDATE on Saturday morning".

MillionToOneChances · 25/04/2015 22:17

I would be inclined to invite different children round to play and refuse to tack on extra children if your child has a friend round or if your child is round at a friend's house. It sounds like you have a very regular arrangement with at least one of them and if she can't even be bothered to invite your child round and is meeting up with other friends without inviting you, she might be taking the mickey just a bit.

Either that or their children don't like your children enough to invite them back. Friendships are strengthened enormously through play dates and your children deserve to spend time with children eager to spend time with them.

Original poster

Land0r · 25/04/2015 22:18

I know I'm ever so slightly biased, but my girls are very well behaved and polite, so I know it's not due to their behaviour, manners etc that they're not invited.

OP posts:

Inertia · 25/04/2015 22:23

I'd be inclined to say that you want your children to be involved in reciprocal playdates where the visit one another, so won't be available as a free childcare option for everyone else.

flora717 · 25/04/2015 22:25

They're justifying their using nature by making out you're somehow at fault. Focus on the children yours want to spend time with as then at least they benefit from your virtual open door policy.

MillionToOneChances · 25/04/2015 22:29

I don't doubt for a moment that your children are lovely, but I doubt your friends would refuse to have your kids round if their kids asked, so if they're not being invited the friends' children may be closer to other children. It's no reflection on your children.

If the children in question are very young it is the adults who organise all play dates and I would go with inertia's suggestion about making your friends aware that you're uncomfortable with the realisation that your friends invite other children round but never yours and if this isn't a two-way friendship you would prefer more family time with your lovely children. Or something like that :)

DoJo · 25/04/2015 23:14

Parents asking for favours should be falling over themselves to organise a reciprocal visit when they collect, not dismissing the welcome you have extended to their children when they needed it most! How are you supposed to invite children over when you are constantly doing free childcare for people who don't even appreciate it.

finnbarrcar · 25/04/2015 23:20

You're being taken advantage of by a bunch of cunts who are actively excluding your dcs. Stop letting this happen.

Akire · 25/04/2015 23:49

I would be raging! Sounds really snobbish to say that New Carer you haven't invited them then you will not be invited back. It's like you are ok for a child minder service but not for proper friends.
Hope you feel brave enough next time they ask to say no sorry we are going on a play date/dentist/out!

Akire · 25/04/2015 23:50

Your children not new carer stupid phone

steppemum · 26/04/2015 00:02

well I think following that conversation, I would be changing what I said to parents, so instead of Oh yes that's fine, ds can come home with us, I would be saying
Oh of course I don't mind having ds for a playdate, then during the easter holiday you can have my ds back to yours in return.

That way you still get kids to play, (only because you seem to be ok with it, I quite like having a house full of kids) but the reciprocation is spelt out.

I agree with pp that when someone does me a favour, I make MORE of a point of having them back!

SavoyCabbage · 26/04/2015 00:05

You need to stop. I was in a situation like this once and I stopped answering my mobile after 3pm as I knew it would be a mother from school asking me to take her dc.

DarthVadersTailor · 26/04/2015 01:14

As a new parent, reading threads like these make me really dread all the politics and bullshit that seem to go along with the whole "playdate" concept

DelphiniumBlue · 26/04/2015 01:42

Yes of course I'll have little johnny for you on Tuesday. Can you have my Sam on Wednesday? no? When would work best for you?

mugglingalong · 26/04/2015 02:03

They sound bizarre. I work a lot from home and it is an invisible job. People think that because I am there at every drop off and pick up that I am not working in between. I don't use holiday clubs because I can work from home, but my dc would probably be happier at a friend's house than waiting for me to do an hour or two marking.

I would maybe ask your dc/ ta for youngest if not sure for a list of 3 or 4 friends who they play with at school and ask them one at a time if they would like to come over and formally ask them. It might not be the same children you are inviting over. Any other favours would have to find other childcare. I sometimes do favours for other working parents - eg would have their child in holiday on day when they are working, but only because my dc wanted them to play in the first place.

Are these dc friends with your dc as well as being the children of your 'friends'?

houseofstark · 26/04/2015 02:53

Maybe you need to ask them to have your children over. I appreciate this may be out of your comfort zone as it may seem rude. So 'invent' an appointment and ask a friend if your child/ren can go to their house.

Their response may be very telling. It may be that they're very happy to reciprocate and have just been waiting for you to ask (it's still odd that they haven't offered). If they aren't happy to help then you know what to say next time they ask you for a favour.

Otterwa · 26/04/2015 03:18

That does sound very unfair on your daughters although I don't think it has been done deliberately. It seems like they see you as childcare rather than your daughters having someone round to play.

I would ask your daughters who they would like to invite round, maybe you'll get some different names rather than the children you get asked to have.

You do need to start saying no to last minute childcare requests though, really they should be the playdates reciprocated first as not only have you had someone over but you have helped the parent out as well. If you really struggle to say no then maybe you need to start 'forgetting' your phone when you leave for the school run.

feelrejected · 26/04/2015 04:01

This reminds me of the text I got a couple of weeks ago from the mother of one of my dd's classmates. It read "can you please collect "her daughter's name" as I am running late. No worries if not okay" type of thing. I said fine (and my dd likes having this girl over). The next text I got from this mother a while later was "I will be there to pick "her daughter" up at 6 pm".

Since when does "running late" mean that you arrive at 6.00 pm when pick up time is 3.15 pm? .

I wouldn't have minded if she had been straight and just asked me to have her daughter over for the afternoon. She does very occasionally invite my dd to hers but her dd is at mine a lot more. I think it suits some people to find everything "too difficult" but they are more than ready to jump on the bandwagon of your availability - laid backness.

I too would not be answering calls OP.

BuyMeAPony · 26/04/2015 04:32

I used to be the "go to" parent in reception. At one point I had 3 other kids here every Monday and Tuesday before school. I am a SAHM and I sort of felt a social obligation. I also found it wasn't really reciprocated in terms of play dates, but one of the mums let me join her exercise group for free, one used to get me a staff discount at the shop she worked at and one is still a good friend and we now ask each other for help whenever we need it (two years later).

I did stop the arrangement when the DC went into year one. My DD only stayed good friends with the DD of my good friend and it seemed a waste of my play date energy to carry on. One of the girls was a bit of a nightmare and I just thought enough was enough.

Sorry for the ramble, but I would either cease the arrangement or make sure you are getting something in return. I'm your situation, I'd be asking for your DC to have days at their houses in the hols so that you can work from home.

BuyMeAPony · 26/04/2015 04:32

in your situation

humlebee7 · 26/04/2015 04:38

Or you could ask them directly (as they are asking you?) to have your child for a play?

DoraGora · 26/04/2015 06:47

I have friends who live close to a school. I think it's some sort of carpark mentality. They're there, so people use them.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread