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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think 'playdates' are 'playdates' however they come about?

72 replies

Land0r · 25/04/2015 21:39

I realised recently that my DC are never invited to play at anyone's house, yet we have other children here all the time. We live close to school so I'm first point of call for friends who are working late, have appointments, are unable to collect etc. That's fine and my DC enjoy having friends to play.

The other day a friend whose DC I have a lot due to her unpredictable work schedule was telling me which children they had had over to play during the Easter holidays, whose houses her DC had been to etc, so I commented that mine are never invited anywhere.

She said this actually came up in conversation with some of the mums over Easter (I assume they were talking about who they'd seen over the holidays), and apparently the reason is because we never invite anyone to play. Yes, we always have children here - they play, they have tea, very occasionally they sleep over if they can't be collected until very late, they do all the usual things that they'd do if they'd been invited to play - but it seems that because their parents are ASKING me to have them, rather than us INVITING them, it somehow doesn't count as a 'playdate'. So they don't reciprocate. (I'm not quite sure how this became 'the done thing' though!)

Obviously I don't mind having the other children here, but I feel sad for my lovely DC that they never get to go to any of their friends' houses. I don't really want to start inviting even more children here in the hope that my DC will get invited back, as we all enjoy the (increasingly rare) times when it's just us. Not sure what - if anything - to do.

OP posts:

Droflove · 26/04/2015 08:26

I think next time someone asks you to have their kid just say 'no problem, I'd love to. But can I ask you a favour? It would be great for my kids if you could invite them to yours sometime on a play date, they never seem to get asked'. If she never invites them. Tell her no next time she needs a favour from you.

carabos · 26/04/2015 08:36

Struggling to catch my breath at the sheer small-minded, mean-spiritedness of these women. Standing round the school gates keeping score as to who does what. Just horrible. Kick the lot of them to the kerb and adjust your kids social circle (as the kids that you have round aren't really their friends anyway). And on that point, if those kids do ask their mothers if yours can come to tea, what fantastic excuse do the mums come back with? Do they really explain these awful "rules" to their children, thus embedding horribleness in the next generation?

DoraGora · 26/04/2015 08:41

I don't know, carabos. There's generosity, and then there's taking the piss. Nobody likes to be a doormat.

Only1scoop · 26/04/2015 08:43

Awful

They take you for granted in a really bad way.

Stop being available

liveloveluggage · 26/04/2015 08:45

If people are going to be so petty and ungrateful I think you will have to cut back on the helping people out so you can invite kids over, for the sake of your kids. Make sure you tell people you can't have their DC to help out because you have invited a friend to play.

bakingtins · 26/04/2015 08:48

Bare faced cheek. Surely providing childcare to help them out trumps a 'play date' at your convenience? They are users, not friends. Say no next time.

Original poster

Land0r · 26/04/2015 08:50

Thank you all. The school is tiny - DD2 is in a class of 7 for example - so I know all her friends. She is the only one who is a younger sibling, there is one only child in her class and the rest have younger siblings, so those mums are probably busy with their little ones. DD1 is in a bigger class, but still less than 15. I help out a lot at school (again, I don't say no, so the school office often call me!) so I know all the children and parents. I don't actually NEED my girls to go and play at their houses, I just think they're possibly missing out by not going. They get invited to all the birthday parties though.

OP posts:

Jennifersrabbit · 26/04/2015 08:52

Bonkers. There is a lovely mum in Y1 (my DDs class) who has had my DD for tea once when we had an important meeting at school last year, and is picking her up once this term to help me out.

I am especially anxious to invite her DD to play! Not relevant to your DDs but if my DD didn't get on with the other child then I wouldn't ask the mum a favour.

AlternativeTentacles · 26/04/2015 08:55

You're being taken advantage of by a bunch of cunts who are actively excluding your dcs

^ This.

I'd wait until asked again and then point out that you were aware that you had been discussed and as a group they had all decided to take advantage of my good nature whilst actively excluding my children so that would be a 'no' from me.

HSMMaCM · 26/04/2015 08:58

You're right. They're rude.

ragged · 26/04/2015 08:59

If tiny school then small town or village & you need to handle this carefully (very tactfully), because you will run into these people constantly until one of you moves away.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 26/04/2015 09:01

These women sound at best, odd.

My tactic would require a lot of brass neck. I would send a group text / Facebook message saying

"hi everyone, the girls have been asking if they can meet up with their friends at the weekend to play. Could you let me know if you are planning anything as they would love to come along"

Original poster

Land0r · 26/04/2015 09:13

It's a small private school - we are in the minority by living close, many of them travel a long way to get to school. So for all of them, having children over to play needs to be properly arranged, it's not like a small school in a village where a group might all walk home together or go to the park together or something. Living 30 or 40 minutes away (in various directions) by car is the norm, and a few are even further than that. And many parents travel to work all over the place too. Sorry, I didn't think to say that in my original post.

OP posts:

NightsOfGethsemane · 26/04/2015 09:36

Even more reason for them to be organised in picking up their own DCs if they live far away isn't it? My DD goes to a small school 5 miles away. I would never dream of making one of the closer mums my 'go to' person for childcare. I chose to send her there so I pick her up. Every day. Or if I really can't (which has happened once when my car died and once when I was at A&E with DS), I book her into after school club or ask my mum to collect.

However much you try to justify it, these mothers are taking advantage of your generosity and it really cannot continue.

AlternativeTentacles · 26/04/2015 09:41

and it really cannot continue

It can continue! It can continue quite easily. The OP just needs to keep doing what they have been doing.

If the OP wants to change things, then they will have to do something different.

NightsOfGethsemane · 26/04/2015 09:42

True Alternative

gamerchick · 26/04/2015 09:45

The thing is about starting to say no to people when you've been the one to always say yes. It's hard the first time and people don't like it and get stroppy. But the more you say it the easier it gets I swear and people do start to have more respect for you.

Give it a try, I promise you won't look back.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/04/2015 10:15

I would be very very unavailable for favours, but invite children round to play at your own convenience and arrange the next play date in their house when they collect their dc afterwards.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/04/2015 10:18

Start saying no! Even more awful I'd your dd has such a small class, they are being very cliquy, sometimes you have to be forward to. Oh my when your son was round my house my daughter wanted to go to your son house, when are you available for a play date, let's get our diaries out. That is just the thing I would do .

AmateurSeamstress · 26/04/2015 12:36

OP presumably you do drive and wouldn't have any problems picking them up from these far-away play dates?

I appreciate you don't need return favours as such but you do want them, if not for your own sake, for your DCs'. Honestly, gamechick is right that it would be hard to start with but they will end up having more respect for you. I like Droflove's idea of saying yes and asking for a return favour there and then.

You could even just be honest about it: yes I'm happy to collect Mildred and give her tea etc. Could you do me a favour in return though? DD1 is getting a bit upset at never getting invited over when we have other children over every week. Any chance DD1 could come round to play with Mildred soon?

eddielizzard · 26/04/2015 13:15

'sorry i can't anymore. i am exhausted by looking after everyone else's children and never getting a break myself.'

i think sometimes people start to take you for granted if you seem to find it easy to have kids over. they begin to justify it to themselves as to why they don't have to reciprocate.

i would make a rule that for a month i won't help anyone, and then see which ones twig and start to reciprocate.

Andylion · 26/04/2015 15:07

OP, when you had this discussion with your friend, did she seems aware at all of how unfair it is? I mean, putting it into words, right in front of you, did she have a clue?

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