To NEVER cry in front of DC?

[Happyyellowcar]

Prompted by another thread on here today about DC driving us to tears. I firmly believe we as parents shouldn't crumble and cry in front of them - DH thinks it shows we are human too! AIBU or is he?

I never cry in front of my kids, although I certainly did when I was a new mother and hormonal/barely coping. I would allow myself if there was a family crisis, but not otherwise.

The thing is though, that your DC WILL grow up and experience distress and want to cry. If you aren't modelling that that's perfectly normal, OK behaviour when you are upset and it doesn't mean that the world is ending, how will they deal with it? Crying becomes something that is a huge deal. And it really isn't.

I don't cry in front of my children because my Mother spent several years dealing with depression when I was growing up and seeing her cry and fall apart had a very negative effect on me. She cried daily for months and months and I honestly believed she'd kill herself and leave us orphaned.

meechimoo that must have been awful for you. When i was depressed i couldnt cry i was just numb.

I'm someone who cries a lot (think Oscar Pistorius), my ex "can't cry". I am ashamed to say in the three years I was struggling with my children an an unhappy relationship and interupted sleep for 6 years. I cried a lot in front of my children. This used to happen after hours and hours of demands and difficult behaviour from my eldest DD ( she can push my buttons and keep going for hours) and was struggling to parent her.

My eldest DD used to get very angry when I cried, my youngest used to try to comfort me. I do feel guilty about it but in the end it forced me to change something as I didn't want them growing up with an unhappy. mother who didn't enjoy parenting.

I got out of the relationship and things are so much better. We co-parent much better now I can't remember the last time I cried in front of them.

I think you can't lump all crying together - imo crying in front of young children is OK if you have just broken your leg or just found out you have been bereaved or just saved them from the path of a truck that mounted the pavement etc etc (and you probably wouldn't be able to stop the physical reaction to those things anyway).
Crying to manipulate them on the other hand, is wrong, and they shouldn't be taught (by copying) to do it to other people either. For example, Mummy is so disappointed, don't do that it will make Mummy cry, we need to change our plans to accommodate Mummy or she will be so upset.

My mum and dad never cried in front of us and it's taken years for me to show my vulnerability to others.

We, as humans, connect through our vulnerabilities. I cry in front of DD and DH, I am no longer afraid to show this vulnerability because I no longer believe it a weakness. The fact my parents withheld their vulnerability made us all a little less compassionate and communicative.

Over that now and will open up and explain to DD why I'm crying

I would much rather DD saw me as a normal person, just like her, who cries and laughs and feels sad and feels happy, rather than an 'unshakeable rock' she can't associate herself with because I don't show my emotions like she does.

Emotions are healthy, and showing your emotions is healthy. Repressing them, and teaching your children to repress them, is not.

YABU! Please cry in front of your children. I'm not talking full on son but please do show them that crying is normal, not to be ashamed of and we all do it.

Not crying in front of your children teaches them it's shameful, should be hidden and when they get older they'll suppress it. Suppression of emotions isn't dealing with them, it's unhealthy.

We need to teach our children our to manage their emotions and if they can't then as parents we'll be there to help them.

Reading through the whole thread its clear that there is a middle way between repressing emotion and not letting children see that we all have feelings and not regulating your emotions-crying and yelling whenever you feel like it-which could be very frightening for them.

I'm not a crier. I cried when I was very unwell once, but dd didn't really notice!

I couldn't help crying yesterday. I really try hard to stay calm when my DD13 is pushing the boundaries. But today after royally misbehaving, scratching her brother, and then when I told her to go to her room and I confiscated her phone, throwing not one but two glasses of water at me I lost it. She was pushing me, she wanted to get to me, and in the end I surrendered.

I don't like to do it as I try really hard to stay calm and collected if they are pushing me. But it was too much. I do feel like I didn't handle it well though.

'As parents we have to be the ones to make everything OK for them - how can we do that if we're falling apart?'

We can't, I agree. But what if we succeeded 100%, always managed to hide our sadness? Wouldn't that set a really tough example for our kids to live up to? Of course, as they grow they compare us with others, so eventually they'll realise we're buttoning up these emotions.

Better, surely, to be honest about it when you feel really strong emotions and, afterwards, THEN you carry on to make everything OK for them.

Also agree with poster who said more worried about displays of anger and violence. As a bloke, that's the one I've had to keep a close eye on - particularly between about 4-12 - because they absolutely do push your buttons, it's no accident, they're testing you, asking direct from their subconscious, how far can I go, how much can I rely on you, dad? And again, sometimes anger - or at least annoyance - has to happen; we're not superhuman. But then you go on to make everything OK. Not so much the rock, more the glue.

I love your handle btw, Happyyellowcar

I once went to collect my DS1 from nursery (this was years ago) and the keyworker asked to have a word. She said another child had said "My mummy shut the car boot on her hand and she cried" and my DS said "Don't be silly, grown-ups don't cry". The adults had all tried to persuade him that grown ups do cry when something hurts a lot, either physically or emotionally, but he insisted thy didn't. It really made me think. I am not generally a crier anyway - it's not just a case of hiding it from the children, but I have only ever cried in front of two very trusted friends. But I do think this all stems from my upbringing - my parents never cried in front of me. The only time I saw my mum cry was when she received a call early one morning to say her mum had died in the night of breast cancer. I was 5. My mum cried then, but when the childminder arrived she put on her coat and went to work. That's how it was in my house. I don't think this is healthy, so although by nature I now don't cry very often, if I do I don't generally try to hide it from the DC unless the reason for it is something inappropriate for them to know/worry about.

I always cry at the bit in The Railway Children when Jenny Agutter is on the platform and sees her father through all the steam & smoke. "Daddy! My daddy!" The first time it happened, the DCs were gobsmacked (all boys). "What are you crying for, dad, it's HAPPY, her dad's come back!"

I think as long as you explain why you are crying, arguing, sad, cross etc then its OK.
My DCs have kind if witnessed one or two arguments between DH and I, and we have sat them down after and explained that everyone gets annoyed sometimes but it doesn't mean they don't love each other. Same with crying.

I think in a weird way it does help DCs. I find my DD particularly relates to it, so will say something along the lines of '[DS] makes me cross too, and I shout at him, and then I feel bad too' and it allows her to realise these feelings are normal, and to discuss ways of dealing with it. Same with crying. On the rare occasion DCs have seen me crying, we've discussed that sometimes you do feel sad, or tired, or fed up, and you just need to have a good cry.

I woukd equate being a 'rock', with supporting them regardless, being there for them and loving them, fighting their corner, working through their worries etc. Don't think it has anything to do with not showing emotions!

Just catching up on this mornings contributions: have a couple of points to add:
TheEmpressOfBlandings I never witnessed my parents crying when I was growing up - only when I was a teenager did we have a sob at weepy movies (who will love my children? - horrific!). Despite this I can certainly cope with my own emotions and am not afraid of crying etc, just not in front of the DC, so I don't agree that DC will not learn to deal with their emotions / crying unless we as parents model it for them! When I cried my parents were there to comfort me as I am with my DC - surely this helps them to deal with their feelings!
Rinkydinkypink you seem to think that my absence of crying in front of DC somehow implies it is shameful etc but I have never given them this impression. When they cry I give them cuddles and am sympathetic to them. I say things like "I understand you're sad because x happened.." etc. Rather unfair to suggest my lack of crying in front of them might be damaging them in some way when I do make a great effort to acknowledge their feelings and help them deal with them!

I almost never cry. It is a really rare thing for me. I am finding it hard to think of the last time I cried, other than at the funeral of a young person a month or so ago.

If my children saw me crying they would know something very bad or very serious was happening, so I would try to shield them from that, unless they really had to know about it. They would just worry.

I think the last time I cried was over a decade ago. I've been through family funerals, weddings, traumatic accidents, severe disabilities, miscarriage but crying is just not part of the way I react to things. I don't hold it back, there is just no urge to do it. My dcs are 14 and 16 and they've never seen me cry. Neither of them have cried as far as I know since they were small children, but I've never made them feel ashamed for it. We're all quite a mild-mannered family - we also don't argue or shout at all. We've been in some quite stressful/emergency-type situations before and we're all the type to stay pretty calm and functional (I later read a rather misogynistic professional report accusing me of being maladjusted because I wasn't hysterical enough ). I've never seen DH cry and we've been married 18 years.

Growing up I decided it was weak to cry, I have no idea why I decided this, I was very young and can't remember now. But it led to me struggling with negative emotions and as a teenager there were incidents of self harm and painkiller overdoses as a result. So I am going to do everything I can to show DD how to deal with negative emotions, including crying in front of her. Children learn a lot more from our actions than they do our words.

I do agree that I won't ever let her see me fall apart or break down. Or cry because of her behaviour.

Just want to clarify, I often cry now, it's a way I deal with things. I don't think people should hide their emotions from their children but equally if crying isn't something you do then it would be ridiculous to force yourself to in front of them.

Hiding your emotions is a problem imo. Dealing with them a different way is not.

I wept and was bordering on out of control when my mum and little brother both died within 6 weeks of each other. DD saw the whole thing. I don't see anything wrong in that despite her being only just 10 at the time.

She sees me cry at utterly stupid things too. Her face, when I cry at films is a picture

I think it's a lot healthier to cry and let your children know that you are upset and need to cry and let them give you a hug than to walk around with a big angry shouty cloud over your head trying hard not to cry and pretending not to feel anything.

And if you let yourself cry at films and when you hurt yourself without being embarrassed then it's going to be a lot less shocking for your children if something happens and you can't help yourself.

It's not really a question of letting yourself cry or not for me, if I'm going to then it happens, it's more a question of whether you deal with it by letting it out or remove yourself from the children's presence etc. However it virtually never does happen for me, I don't think I was brought up to stifle emotions, I'm just not much of a crier.

I got totally the wrong end of a stick on a thread about children's books making people cry the other week, I assumed it was because the books were sad, but turned out they were happy, I had no idea this was a thing.