To NEVER cry in front of DC?

[Happyyellowcar]

Prompted by another thread on here today about DC driving us to tears. I firmly believe we as parents shouldn't crumble and cry in front of them - DH thinks it shows we are human too! AIBU or is he?

I wouldn't want my children to think that their behaviour had driven me to tears (it's been a close thing sometimes) as I think they would find that degree of 'power' frightening. But crying at sad things, esp death, yes of course. They are boys, so I particularly want to convey to them that you can cry and still be strong.

It's interesting that you associate crying with falling apart. I don't neccesarily.

I think it depends on why you're crying, how frequently and how old the children are tbh. Children need to know that emotions and expressing them is ok, but equally they need to be able to trust that yes- their parents are a rock for them too.

Like most things there's a balance and I don't think an all or nothing approach is the way to go on this one.

You made me think of this lovely blogpost

eglantinescake.blogspot.co.uk/2011/09/why-dont-grown-ups-cry.html

Crying at something sad is not 'falling apart'

Why the ridiculous association with crying as a massive weakness - a failure to control?

Crying is not wailing and thrashing around on the floor. It's just crying.

I have two adult sons and a 12 year old. I cried in front of them when something made me really sad. I wasn't constantly bursting into tears but controlling my sadness in front of my two year old when my dad died would have been impossible and, for me, deeply weird.
My children are all open, happy people who discuss their emotions, when it's appropriate, with openness and intelligence.

Making happy, sunny, positive the only 'good' emotions and sadness the one that needs to be controlled and hidden does not sound terribly healthy to me.

If one is not naturally a crier that's fine, but to hide, as if shameful, something which is neither traumatic nor bad, is unfathomable to me.

This isn't something I intend to do since only Serrano things make me cry but I only realised that I don't cry in front of my children when I did start cryin and my DD was shocked that I even could.

Mum has to be strong, but it doesn't mean she is not allowed to be weak once in a while. YABU.

it is extremely distressingand frightening 4children witness their parents crying

I always cry at TV / films in front of them,mh have cried when we had a bereavement and once when one of the kids did something very scary. Can't post details as it will out me but DS has additional needs and isn't always aware of danger. Cried with relief when I knew he was OK, one son has rolls his eyes at me when I cry at films, the other gets me a tissue and hugs me- it's a standing joke.
As long as you don't spend hours weeping hysterically for no reason I agree with your DH.

I totally disagree OP.

Crying is one of the things that makes us human.
What is wrong with that? Crying is not "falling apart"- its a mechanism we have of displayig emotions.

Not true laughingcow. Perhaps in a household where emotions are withheld, not discussed or extreme that might be the case. But if kids know that mum always cries at Nativity because the little kids are so cute and remind me her of when the kids were little, or in Up at the scene where the wife dies, or in Avengers - spoilers... It won't be remotely upsetting or frightening, nor will it be when someone dies because it's ok to cry and say to kids 'I'm crying because I'm sad about..., let's have a cuddle. Love you'

'As parents we have to be the ones to make everything ok for them - how can we if we're falling apart?'

How wil they learn to deal with sadness and trauma if you haven't shown them that grief or being distressed over something significant is normal and that there are things you can try and do to stop it paralysing you? That it's OK to cry?
To learn to develop an understanding of why you cry and what can be done to help and support? When it's a big deal and when it's a small thing that doesn't need tears.
Most children learn how to prioritise their distress through the adults around them, which is why dropping an icecream can be a full-on disaster for a toddler and a 'meh' for a teenager. But not crying as an adult?
I'm more bothered by the eruptions of anger and aggression I see towards children behaving badly TBH.

Actually, might be worth telling that psychiatrist that one thing which is considered to contribute to personality disorder is an upbringing which doesn't enable a child to recognise and learn to deal with a range of emotions. Modelling is one way of doing this, it is entirely appropriate to demonstrate and talk about all emotion as long as it doesn't become ALL about mum, that the child gets to experience this and have those feelings validated too.

Agreed, Starlord and Hag. We can't protect our children indefinitely from sadness and grief. What we can do is model ways of dealing with sadness which don't involve either denying emotions or letting them overwhelm us. That is a better way of being a parental rock than suppressing any sign of grief. I say that as someone who grew up with parents who were completely unable to deal with the world - the lesson I learned by the age of eight or ten was not to tell them about anything because they weren't able to cope.

I feel really, lucky. Neither of my kids behaviour has ever reduced me to tears. They have pissed me off. But never to the point of crying. Dr is coping really well with being a teen. But now I am shutting myself that I still have this to come [shocked]

Actually I think it's good for children to see their 'rock' cry. Full on drama and hysterics, no.

My kids have seen me cry, and seen me wipe my eyes pick myself up and carrying on. They know being sad and crying isn't the end of the world. They know bad things happen and it's ok to be sad. But they also know it's not a permanent state. My dad is my rock and I have seen him cry twice. I am actually glad. I see him more as a person than my rock. We have a great relationship. He is my friend and my dad. He is a whole person not just my parent, not just my dad. He cried when his best friend died. It didn't scare me, shake my faith in him or make me afraid.

Being sad isn't a weakness.

Shewept

My children have never made me cry.
The discussion has moved on into crying in front of your children in general.

And shot, I cried at guardians of the galaxy and the new avengers film this weekend. We had marvel movie weekend. [Grin in]

Neither child was horrified.

If at all possible, i don't think you should cry in front of your children because of their behaviour. That seems to me to be putting too much responsibility on them- they shouldn't have to be responsible for an adult's feeings.

But otherwise, if you explain why, and it's not scary wild sobbing, then I can't see a problem. It's a parent being out of control that might be an issue- for whatever reason. I am a crier at books and films and my children both just sigh and bring me tissues.

I have cried at ds1 (2.8) behaviour. There have been times when i couldn't physically hold it in. When he smashed up the sure start xmas party and beat up all the children. When we have been asked to leave various toddler groups. I usually cry at the bus stop or when i'm pushing the buggy home. The last time i cried in front of him was about a month ago and it was out of deep sadness when the paediatrician told me he had ASD and SPD. He sat on my lap and wiped my tears away and we hugged and i kissed him all over his face.

I only saw my mum cry once (after a particularly vicious row with my dad). It really upset me as she had set herself up as unshakeable. If she had cried more and showed more emotion throughout my life it wouldn't have upset me nearly as much. I think this stiff upper lip attitude is very overrated.

My dad on the other hand is pretty emotionally incontinent and maudlin and i found that quite hard to deal with growing up. Now i just find it ridiculous and laughable.

I hope to find a happy medium.

On a slightly separate note. When i was a TA some of the boys in the school upset/embarrassed me and i told them outright. The others always tried to shrug it off and pretend what they said didn't affect them (altho it did). They were really shocked and very apologetic and they were totally respectful to me after that. Sometimes adults set themselves up as being rock hard and able to take anything, so much so that children forget the affect their actions have on them. I think it's important for them to know the affect of their behaviour on others.

pag I am aware of that. I was just shocked that this seems a normal thing from the pov from the OP. Made me worried I have it all to come

My children have seen me cry a few times, both at films and the like and for more serious real-life reasons. Because it's not unusual they don't find it traumatic at all! I think this is one of those things that people will justify their own approach to based on their own experiences. I've cried maybe twice for more serious real-life reasons. I don't think it's a big deal for the same reason that I don't think it's a big deal for children to see conflict between parents from time to time - it helps them to learn that hard things can be resolved.

I saw my mum cry maybe twice and I found it awful, like the world was ending, simply because it never happened otherwise.

I've cried in front of my dc. Dh and I also squabble and disagree in front of them too. It's important that they see these parts of humanity and relationships so that they also learn that there is a healthy way through them.

If dh and I disagree in front of them we are open about it. We make it v clear that we still love each other but we have very different views about the subject in question. It doesn't have to be shouty, just as crying doesn't have to be hysterical. (I think that loss of control is scary for children).

Modelling how to cope with sadness is ok. Seeing how, with love and kindness, sadness and grief can be even a little bit alleviated is healthy for their emotional development imo.

Sure - but I was just pointing out that I think it happens but I don't think it's normal enough to be inevitable so I wouldn't bother being shocked, nor worry that you have it all to come.
You may well not.

pag oh, thank you. Panic did set in a little. Thought I had been lucky so far

I agree that you shouldn't hide your emotions, but neither DH or I are criers. I don't think I've ever seen DH cry and it's rare for me, so the DCs have probably never seen either of us cry. I virtually never cry out of happiness, very rarely at TV and film and we have been fortunate not to have any bereavements of close relatives etc since the DCs were born. In the first couple of years of their lives I was a bit of a weeper due to hormones, but it stopped before they would have remembered.