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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how on earth to handle this? Friends, and termination.

67 replies

Saltybutterandjam · 25/04/2015 11:51

Two of my friends. We all met through an activity through our children. One friend (E) has similar health condition to me and I feel a great affinity for her. She's very kind and warm, but not v politically correct. Other friend (T) is lovely, funny warm and intelligent. I love them both to bits.
T revealed she has had a termination years ago, due to the baby being very disabled and not expected to survive birth. It was very much a wanted baby and she was clearly devastated. E was supportive at the time but since then has largely cut her. If T is going to be at an event, E cancels. If E organises something, T isn't invited and if it's suggested that she's been forgotten, E cancels. It's sad, horrible and awkward. I don't want to be caught in the middle, I don't want to take sides, and I yhink E is wrong but not sure how to proceed. E has also been quite vocal in T's presence about how she thinks termination is awful and she would never have had one. I wasn't there but T was understandably horrified.Sad
What to do?

OP posts:
spanky2 · 25/04/2015 11:59

E's behaviour wouldn't make me trust her or really want to be her friend. Poor T had to make an awful decision and it isn't up to E to judge. It would make me question her loyalty to me if I did something she didn't approve of. Would she drop me too?

passmethewineplease · 25/04/2015 12:01

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who sounds as nasty as E really.

flora717 · 25/04/2015 12:04

I'd be very wary of E. Yes, you have a similar health condition and some rapport as a result. But it's clear from her behaviour, when push comes to shove she would not offer support and will actively exclude people who don't fit her world view. I could not be close to someone who could not respect my right to autonomous decisions. Yes, my friends have occasionally made decisions I would not. But I am not them. I don't have to live with their decisions. I support them as I can, because I respect them as individuals.

pictish · 25/04/2015 12:05

Nothing...it's between them. I don't think they like each other do they? I don't see what you can do about that.

MissBattleaxe · 25/04/2015 12:06

I hope E never has to walk in T's shoes. It's a horrible situation to be in and whatever decision you end up making, you will never feel good about it. I have had to make the same decision and if I had a friend like E, I would drop her like a hot stone for lacking in humanity.

Thurlow · 25/04/2015 12:07

I would tell E that while it is her right to not agree with terminations, it is not her right to judge people to their face and upset them so much. And if she was someone who will judge someone so much - to the point of trying to not be in the same place as them - then you're not sure she is someone you want to be friends with. As a pp says, what if you do something E doesn't agree with?

Also, if I was T I think I'd find it reassuring to hear from you that you have noticed E's behaviour and don't agree. It is very easy in T's situation to feel as if everyone is judging you.

WelcomeToMNMadness · 25/04/2015 12:08

I'd dump E and I'd tell her why.

I believe in a woman's right to choose for herself, not for anyone else and I couldn't be friends with someone who had such unpleasant misogynistic views or someone who treated another friend so badly.

KittyandTeal · 25/04/2015 12:10

Bloody hell, she sounds like an awful person! I'm not sure I could be friends with someone like that but then I've been in your other friends position and I know how utterly heartbreaking it is.

I think my response to your friend is to tell her she's very lucky to have never been in that position and that people make the right choices for them, it's not our place to judge. Repeat until she gives up or gets bored.

What a terrible reason to exclude someone.

ThingummyJigg · 25/04/2015 12:12

E does not sound in the least bit kind or warm and I would ditch her pronto.

Give T a hug.

pictish · 25/04/2015 12:12

And there is all that as well...of course, E's views are patently crap.
But I do understand, I have a friend who isn't very politically correct at times and while she occasionally makes me wince, in all other respects she is a great friend to me and I like her very much.

NightsOfGethsemane · 25/04/2015 12:12

I couldn't be friends with E. She is not 'kind and warm'. She has treated T appallingly. Whatever her personal beliefs or challenging personal circumstances, there is no excuse for that.

PureMorning · 25/04/2015 12:13

E is a bit of a cunt.
Drop her like hot shit

DoJo · 25/04/2015 12:14

Of all the reasons to have a termination, T's are surely those which should inspire sympathy and understanding rather than judgement and spite. It must have been a hugely difficult decision and I cannot fathom why E thinks that it is in any way appropriate to bring up her personal beliefs on termination with E or even in her presence.

Personally, I don't think I could be friends with someone who expressed their views in such a damaging and unkind manner - E clearly really trusted you both to share this with you and it must be devastating to her to realise that she has been judged so harshly by someone who she believed was a friend. I cannot imagine continuing a relationship with someone under those circumstances, so if I were in your shoes, I would explain that to T.

pootlebug · 25/04/2015 12:15

E is not 'kind'. Her behaviour towards T is not kind, nor is her judgy-ness, and her empathy is seriously lacking. None of these things has anything to do with political correctness.

ragged · 25/04/2015 12:17

Have to be firm with E. about not complaining in your presence about T., and otherwise let them get on with it. They are adults who can choose their own friends. You can't fix whatever dispute E. perceives.

reallybadidea · 25/04/2015 12:19

Can't be very nice for T to know that you choose to be E's friend despite how badly she has treated her.

derxa · 25/04/2015 12:20

Lets's just say I knew an E once and had to get rid of her. There's no need for nastiness and unkindness. Unfortunately it is very unwise to reveal an abortion because some people use this as an opportunity to demonstrate their 'moral superiority' over you. I think you have to support T openly.

BreacaBoudica · 25/04/2015 12:24

If I were T I would find it very hard to stay friends with someone (you) who stayed friends with someone so horrible to me. If you insist on staying friends with E, I would suggest you put a LOT of effort and time into your separate friendship with T.

Original poster
Saltybutterandjam · 25/04/2015 12:28

Yep I feel terrible and that's why I'm posting. Sad

OP posts:
IrenetheQuaint · 25/04/2015 12:32

E sounds really horrid and judgemental, with zero emotional intelligence or empathy. What does your heart tell you to do? You'd be quite justified in quietly distancing yourself from E if you wanted to.

Original poster
Saltybutterandjam · 25/04/2015 12:32

I think it's only this week that it's become SO obvious. I didn't really believe E would cut T out the way she has until I saw it.

OP posts:
teawamutu · 25/04/2015 12:34

OP, apart from the affinity created by your shared health condition - take a step back and see if you can really consider someone so spiteful, cold and judgemental as a friend.

And then ditch the bitch.

DixieNormas · 25/04/2015 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Saltybutterandjam · 25/04/2015 12:40

That's the thing - E is very very over emotional. So whilst I find her views aren't the same as mine, she isn't spiteful and I honestly don't think she's thought how hurtful she is being. She's rather hysterical about a few things and this is just another example actually, on reflection.

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 25/04/2015 12:42

Honestly I would distance myself from E, forget about being a friend she's awful as a person. How dare she gives her opinion on termination in front of someone who has had one under painful circumstances. I would support T and taking a step back from this E.