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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask how on earth to handle this? Friends, and termination.

67 replies

Saltybutterandjam · 25/04/2015 11:51

Two of my friends. We all met through an activity through our children. One friend (E) has similar health condition to me and I feel a great affinity for her. She's very kind and warm, but not v politically correct. Other friend (T) is lovely, funny warm and intelligent. I love them both to bits.
T revealed she has had a termination years ago, due to the baby being very disabled and not expected to survive birth. It was very much a wanted baby and she was clearly devastated. E was supportive at the time but since then has largely cut her. If T is going to be at an event, E cancels. If E organises something, T isn't invited and if it's suggested that she's been forgotten, E cancels. It's sad, horrible and awkward. I don't want to be caught in the middle, I don't want to take sides, and I yhink E is wrong but not sure how to proceed. E has also been quite vocal in T's presence about how she thinks termination is awful and she would never have had one. I wasn't there but T was understandably horrified.
What to do?

OP posts:

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 25/04/2015 16:52

I'd be calling E out on her horrific treatment of T.

T had to make a decision in which either choice would lead to heartache and E is trying to punish her for it.

I couldnt be friends with someone that cold hearted towards a friend like that.

BlackTrivet · 25/04/2015 17:06

If you want to continue to be friends with both of them then I guess it will have to be separately.

I don't think I could trust E, in any respect, after witnessing how she has treated T though and that would be the end of at least the close friendship for me. I would have almost certainly called her out on it.

Coyoacan · 25/04/2015 17:13

E is neither kind nor good. She is free to disagree with abortion, but not to be so nasty to a friend over such a thing. I personally don't agree with the transgender treatment and would, if asked, try to talk someone out of taking it, but I would not make their life hell if they didn't agree with me.

maliaki · 25/04/2015 17:14

I'd call e on her behavior and see if she says the same as t- which if she did would be cause for me to drop her. People are entitled to their own views and opinions but when they force them on others by judging and being outright nasty, for me people like that are out of my life. I wouldn't inflict them on myself or loved ones.

Ask e what's happened. She may be being an unpleasant person or she may have a totally different reason that you don't know.

DoJo · 25/04/2015 17:39

I find it amazing that people think that in order to be friends you have to have the same opinion on absolutely every issue.
E is entitled to her opinion that abortion is abhorrent the same as you and T are entitled to your opinion , that in some circumstances it is justified (which I believe too).

But it is E that is refusing to be friends with T because of their differing beliefs - or is that what you meant?

nemo81 · 25/04/2015 17:43

I'm not sure if i could be friends with E.

BolshierAyraStark · 25/04/2015 17:48

E sounds like a horrible person & I would be dropping her & telling her exactly why.

minkGrundy · 25/04/2015 17:51

I used to be anti-abortion. But I would not and have not judged any of my friends who have had abortions. And for my friends who had to in difficult circumstances, I wept not for their unborn but for them. The horror of it.

E is entitled to her opinion but she might want to consider what matters more to her her theoretical beliefs (they are theory unless she has been in that situation) or real actual friends.

RedToothBrush · 25/04/2015 17:59

Why is this a dilemma?

E needs a kick up the arse and T deserves a mate to stick up for her

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 25/04/2015 18:05

"She's very kind and warm"

"E has also been quite vocal in T's presence about how she thinks termination is awful and she would never have had one"

You see the inconsistency?

drudgetrudy · 25/04/2015 18:06

I would ask E what are her reasons for her coldness and avoidance of T.
If the reply you get confirms that she is being cruel I would tell her that you are disappointed in her and distance yourself.

I would ask her about it first though just to be absolutely sure that there are no crossed wires.

E is entitled to her view on abortion but not to try to make T feel worse after an already very upsetting experience.

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 25/04/2015 18:10

"I find it amazing that people think that in order to be friends you have to have the same opinion on absolutely every issue."

You don't. But in order to be friends with someone you normally need to not see them treating someone else (particularly someone you love) in a really shitty manner. I know several people who are anti-abortion even for medical reasons; none of them would behave this way towards a friend who had had one in the past. E is not behaing like a nice person, which is a pretty minimal hurdle to expect someone to pass in order to be friends.

TwoOddSocks · 25/04/2015 18:21

Even if E feels very strongly that termination is wrong in all circumstances she should have the tact and sensitivity to accept that other people have different opinions and T's situation was incredibly difficult and upsetting for her. Having strong convictions doesn't give you free reign to ignore other people's feelings.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 25/04/2015 18:31

My sister has views like E. She was born with a disability, my parents had no idea she would be disabled. I know from what they have said that my mother would not have continued with the pregnancy, if she had know that she would be born disabled.

My sister disapproves hugely of aborting children with disabilities, she believes that they should be allowed to be born and have a chance to live, for no matter how long. I think she feels like this because she looks at her life and her own children, and knowing that she might never have been must be traumatising.

She would never, ever say this to anyone who had had an abortion, for any reason, and she doesn't discuss that she feels like this to anyone but her closest friends.

So I do have some sympathy for E's views, but to consistently judge T for the decision she made is not kind or nice behaviour, and I would be telling E that if she didn't change I would not be able to be friends with her any more.

I feel it is ok to be anti-abortion on your own behalf, but I wouldn't dream of judging another woman's choices because I have no right to. What is right for me isn't necessarily right for everyone.

laughingcow13 · 25/04/2015 18:32

Op says E supported T through the termination and (so I assume) on another occasion,when the topic of abortion came up, E expressed her feelings on the matter. That is what I understood from the OP.
Not very sensitive, true.But it doesn't sound deliberately aimed at E, just an opinion on abortion generally.

schokolade · 25/04/2015 18:48

Sounds like a lot of maybes. You have no idea what's really gone on. Bet there's more to it. Your side, my side and the truth, and all that...

sanfairyanne · 25/04/2015 19:03

so did the conversation about Es views on termination happen earlier on, as she has not really spoken to her since finding out she had a termination?

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