To be a bit miffed at wedding gift to DSis...?

[Couchto5ktowine]

Ok, fully expecting to be told IBU but I need to air (if only to stop me doing so with DSis!)

So, I'm single, no DC, have a good career. While I'm not swimming in it, I am comfortable and own my own home. DSis and her fiancé rent, are less well off but aren't exactly on the breadline. (Sharing this as context)

Anyway, DSis is shortly getting married. They wanted to spend a week in a European city they both loved as honeymoon but couldn't afford it so I offered £350 as contribution, which would be my wedding gift. They accepted, I transferred money. I've now found out they've decided to do a week in a self-catered cottage in the UK. It's clear it will cost less than I've given them.

Now, I fully get I gave it as a gift and so I shouldn't stress about how it's spent. And if they'd fronted up with me and offered the difference back I would have refused. But but but... It just feels a bit uncomfortable...

AIBU?

I think it would have been polite for them to tell you they were going to change the arrangements. To be honest though, if you were happy to give them £350 towards their honeymoon I'm not sure why it matters.

hmmmm tough one I totally get why you're upset, you wanted to get them a memorable gift (the chance to go on a holiday they couldn't otherwise afford), now you've essentially just given them a cash sum. On the other hand wedding gifts tend to be impersonal; either money or just something off a list so in this case I'd definitely let it go. Hopefully they still appreciate the generosity of your gift and will be able to have a lovely honeymoon and buy something they really need.

Actually £350 for a cottage for a week, especially as the weather is improving, would be a good price.

I would expect to spend that much and I wonder if they have booked it because they realised that they couldnt afford to extra to go abroad, having the wedding to pay for.

You wouldnt want the money if there was any left over (which I very much doubt there is tbh) so whats the problem?

Maybe they have reassessed their finances and all the can afford if the week in UK, and the "excess" money is for expenses whilst they are away?

I would be surprised if a week in a holiday cottage, particularly at peak season Spring/Summer, cost less than £350. Then they will have tricks and meals out I'm guessing on top of that.

I think they could have mentioned the change in plans to you tbh, but it was a gift so on balance I think YABU.

Maybe they'll use the rest as eating out/spending/activities/ type things when they are on the honeymoon?

.* trips not tricks

I wouldnt be at all surprised that a week in a cottage would cost £350 [or more tbh]

I think YAB a bit U

I think it could easily cost that much as they might well want a nice honeymoon meal out with wine etc and things like that add up. A week in the UK for 350 all in (travel, meals, accommodation, sight seeing etc) doesn't sound too unreasonable

YABU. A gift is a gift. And a week in a self-catering cottage at this time of year is early £350.

And it could be that they thought

"Couch gave s £350, we cant afford to go to X but if we go to Y then it will cost £300 and we could use the other £50 for a nice meal out."

Again, dont see the problem.

You gave them 350 pounds towards their honeymoon. They are spending it om a honeymoon of their choosing, and being very economical with it. Any money left over from the cottage I'm sure they will use as spending money. What's the problem?

Yabu. Your present is £350 towards their honeymoon.

Well, that's what they are spending it on.

Thanks everyone. I did expect a dose of 'YABU' so it's helpful. My only slight defence (!) is the cottage is in remote Scotland so I am relatively sure it's not costing that much but I do accept that 'all in' costs will use up that amount.

It just seemed of a difference between what it was offered for and what it's been used for. deep breath move on

It would have been polite for them to mention that they had changed plans but perhaps the conversation about the money would have been uncomfortable. They've changed plans for a reason, maybe £350 wasn't enough to make the honeymoon as memorable as they wanted in that particular city so they decided to do something where it would.

I'd just let it go, you sound like a lovely sister :).

I don't think they'll get much change from £350. Particularly if it's a nice one. I think it's very ungracious of you to be stewing over the difference, bordering on miserly TBH. If that was me I would just be happy they'd be able to add perhaps having a meal out as well as the accommodation paying for. I certainly wouldn't consider falling out in a way which might pall the wedding.

I'm not sure why a European city break is more worthy than a remote cottage in Scotland - it sounds memorably romantic to me and I wish I could find nice cottages for £350

Once it's out of your hands I think you just have to let it go - it doesn't mean your gift will mean any less to them.

When DH & I married we were young and broke and my cousin gave us £40 worth of M&S vouchers so we could buy something nice for the house.

We spent it on food and had our first 'dinner party' in our flat together with our closest friends the day after we got home from honeymoon and that memory is so much more precious to me than a lamp would have been.

They may well have a good reason for doing what they're doing, so don't waste the value of your gift by bringing it up - it may well be quietly cherished and you could waste that by getting hung up on its original purpose.

You're a great sister - I'm going to retrospectively approach my siblings in the manner of a PPI claim and ask for their gifts to me to uprated accordingly, with interest!

www.cornishcottageholidays.co.uk/cornish-riviera-cottages/pentewan/may-cottage/

From £339 a week. And that's probably mid February. I don't think you have a leg to stand on OP.

www.scottish-cottages.co.uk/search-results.aspx?area=&partysize=1-4&week=2015-05-16&duration=7&dosearch=Go

There you go. A few under but most are at or over the £350 mark and thats for 16 May which isnt the school hols so cheaper than Whit Week half term.

Blink tbh I think you've hit the nail on the head - they realised it wouldn't be enough to do what they wanted so changed plans.

I'm being a bit precious in thinking it would have been nice if they'd mentioned it (largely because I think I would have) I wouldn't take it back.

Wouldn't occur to me to be put out by this. Your gift to them was money towards a honeymoon and that's what they're using it for.

I suspect that possibly even with your contribution they still couldn't afford the European break and they have gone for this because they can afford it with what they have. I don't think they should be resented for it at all.

You know what? If that was my sister I would be chuffed she had managed to wring so much out of the money!

I would far rather they got a whole week paid for with not having to put anything else in the pot and use their money when they are there, than pay for a more expensive trip to Europe and have to scrimp on food, drinks and trips while there were there. I know which will make for a happier honeymoon!