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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Comments on my daughter

95 replies

poppyseedhead · 24/04/2015 14:14

These are the comments I have had in the past month,

From my Mum, "She is too big now" "She right on the cusp of being overweight"

From my sister " She is alot bigger than when I last saw her" "she has back fat"

From fellow parent in the park "she's massive" "she's so tall"

I am literally shocked by these comments, I just bought her new jeans from new look, fits nicely into size 12 jeans.

She is 5ft 8 1/2.

I don't understand where the comments come from, I don't have anyone to ask if its normal to expect these comments.

I would love to hear from anyone who has received unreasonable comments, and good ideas how to answer.

OP posts:

EauPea · 24/04/2015 16:04

Whilst the comments about your daughter are hurtful, please don't let the size of her clothes reassure you.

Newlook have mastered the magic of stretch denim, I buy size 8/10 from there, anywhere "normal" I would be a 12/14.

apologies for a daily fail link

Mrsjayy · 24/04/2015 16:12

Rubbish my eldest dd gets jeans from loads of places never had to get a size up she is a 10 in new look a 10 in primark and a 10 in river island

TheRealMaryMillington · 24/04/2015 16:25

Regardless of whether she is overweight or underweight , has a gorgeous figure or not, where do these people get off thinking its ok to go round passing comment on on a young girl's body like that? In front of her, or behind her back.

It is precisely this kind of bollocks that allows young girls to think they have to change to fit with others expectations of how they are supposed to look.

Tell them, in the nicest possible way to Do One.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/04/2015 16:26

I think they are jealous, she sounds gorgeous . I hope that they don't say this in front of her, I would really pull them up on it, in case she does hear them.

kissedbyamoonbeammyarse · 24/04/2015 16:28

Sizes did change again recently. Out of curiosity I tried on my 1985 size 8 levi jeans the other day. I got them on but there was a gap of 7/8 inches between button and buttonhole. Not a hope of closing. These days I buy mainly a size 6 jean and the waist is loose. Before Christmas I was a size 8. I haven't lost weight.

Ohanarama · 24/04/2015 16:29

I'm 5ft 8 and a half and would think I'd died and arrived in heaven if I was size 12 that size and height are in great proportion.

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2015 16:35

Regarding the 'back fat' comment (which was out of order)

Is she wearing the correct size bra OP?

Even the slimmest of people can look like they have back fat if their bras are too tight.

leedy · 24/04/2015 16:35

"Sizes did change again recently"

I don't think it's at all a standard thing, though (like retailers all agreed at a certain time that a size 8 is now bigger). I fit anything from a 10 to a 14 in different brands and it doesn't seem to have anything to do with when the clothes were bought, for all the lamentations about vanity sizing allowing terrible fatties to shop in normal shops etc. Possibly there's been an overall trend since the mid last century of bigger sizing, but not so I've noticed in the last decade or two.

talkingtorch · 24/04/2015 16:45

How tricking rude.I was an overweight teen and felt it really affected my esteem.I was 5ft 8.5 and size 14\16.I had (have) a large frame and no bust so I looked like a bulky rugby player. Keep boosting her esteem and tell people to change the subject. I'm a 10 large bottoms and 12 top for large rib cage and I suit this at 9 stone 8. People tell me I look neat and tidy size. Size 12 sounds just fine.I would be been happyvat 15 in a 12. I sure she's lovely! Keep boosting her esteem. Again and again!

howabout · 24/04/2015 16:45

I am the same weight as I was when I was 15. I am 46 and a big half - sensitive about my age not my size ;). My 2 DDs both 5 foot 6 like me are 12 and 14 and we all weigh the same. We are all completely different shapes. I have had someone tell me DD2 must be at least 15 - pretty sure I know her age!
I think as a society we are all harmfully weight obsessed. I am socially ostracised for not being fat and unfit and ready for the latest marketing fad. Teenage girls seldom need any encouragement to self criticise.
I think these sort of comments from grown ups towards teenagers is jealousy! They feel threatened by a girl becoming a woman and comparing unfavourably. Although the more general comment that it seems to be acceptable to comment on weight even to acquaintances is maybe also part of the problem. I also think perhaps your mother may not be ready for your daughter to grow up and all the worry that brings.
I deal with this sort of stuff by projecting a very strong self image to my DDs and I also encourage it in them. If you are dealing with someone regularly doing this then perhaps it is worth pointing out that female bodies do not all store fat in the same places but to be healthy they do store it. Not sure about others but I was in my 20s before my flabby bits had properly rearranged to my chest and hips etc and I find it bizarre that a normal teenager would be described as having back fat - my DD does like the extra support of having her bra unreasonably tight though.
Quite a long winded way of saying try and keep a sense of perspective and whatever you do don't let these insecure people undermine your DD!

HairyPottyMouth · 24/04/2015 16:52

I'm 5' 8. Size 12 looks awful on me, I look best at a 14. People are being disgustingly judge mantel to make those type of comments about anyone, never mind a 15 yo girl! You might want to get her fitted for a new bra. That can make your back look less 'lumpy'. Tell them all to feck off!

squizita · 24/04/2015 16:54

Sizes are completely non regulated and arbitrary. There are some useful charts (eg on retro chick blog) showing how wildly they vary.
A NL 12, as it's a cheaper young shop, is cut relatively slim.

Still it's not relevant as her bmi is fine, so no one should be pressuring her for any reason (imo even if someone is overweight but healthy no pressure should be placed on them).

Corneliusmurphy · 24/04/2015 17:07

At 15 I was 5'10 and a 12, but as many/all of my friends were far more petite than me i always felt massive, my coping mechanism was to binge eat until at 18 I was 7 stone overweight... I wish wish wish I had been told I was perfect and had been defended from anyone who said otherwise - I have battled with my weight ever since, I still use food as a crutch and although I am now at almost 33 back in the size 12s I still don't really feel very in control.
My sister went the other way and ended up anorexic - tell them if you wanted their opinions you'd ask! Your daughter needs to be healthy and active everything else is just numbers x

Kissesgingers · 24/04/2015 17:10

Sorry to say this again but another vote for checking bra fitting, my wrong size bras gave me terrible back fat, the right size let it all sit where it was meant to!

ThenThereWereEight · 24/04/2015 17:38

How bizarre - I thought you were talking about a baby or toddler, not teenager. Do they not have enough to think about in their lives?

Original poster

poppyseedhead · 24/04/2015 17:44

I really can't thank everyone enough for the sensible advice, it is really nice to hear your point of view.

OP posts:

pointythings · 24/04/2015 17:53

I second and third getting a proper bra fitting, I've just mad DD1 measured and she is a 34D! Suddenly there are no bulges in her Camis any more.

Making those sort of comments about a teenager is just crass.

hackmum · 24/04/2015 17:56

How much does she weigh, OP?

laughingcow13 · 24/04/2015 19:10

if three people have commented I think you need to listen.
what does she weigh and what size tops does she wear? it might be she carries her fat higher up.

TheWordFactory · 24/04/2015 19:18

First, I would be very angry if any relative made comments to my DD about weight.

It's rude and potentially very damaging.
But some women are so obsessed they really can't see the damage they do! They justify it by health etc, but really they have a poor relationship with food and poor manners to boot.

All that being said, as a parent, you need to keep a (silent) eye out for problems with weight (in both directions).

How much does your DD weigh? What build is she?

Pagwatch · 24/04/2015 19:24

How are your mother and sister normally?

Would it be an ordinary thing for them to comment negatively about your DD? Are they usually rude? Are they caring towards your DD normally?

The thing is they absolutely shouldn't talk about your DD the way they did.
But if they are normally sensible, caring relatives then maybe you should try and view what they said objectively.

If they are usually rude then ignore them of course.

Dazedconfused · 24/04/2015 19:30

I was size 12 and 5ft 10 at 15 god how I wish I still was but my lovely baby has put paid to that. I hated my size back then even though I was healthy etc because my friends were all tiny and waif like where as I was curvy and felt huge. looking back I would kill to have the figure I had at 15. I hope she does not hear these comments I was so paranoid I was overweight back then because I was heavier than my 5ft 2 friends

spudholes · 24/04/2015 19:33

What the fuck is back fat?!

TheAwfulDaughter · 24/04/2015 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MissMogwi · 24/04/2015 19:43

I'd go fucking mad if anyone thought to tell my lovely daughters they were "massive" or "too thin" or whatever. I suppose all of these opinionated people are stunning visions of perfection? Thought not.

I'm not saying that actual weight problems shouldn't be addressed. But this just sounds like miserable, nasty comments, so what if they are surprised at how grown up she is now? I'm sure there are lots of things they could talk about, not just concentrate on her appearance, as if its the be all and end all.

Your daughter sounds like she has a great figure, and I hope she doesn't take the comments to heart.

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