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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my H to stop smoking Cannabis?

116 replies

cattygirl1 · 23/04/2015 21:56

I have asked him to stop or at least cut way back smoking cannabis as he smokes about 8 - 10 joints per day.

What im finding is I barely know him straight, in fact he is not a nice person at times straight, he is moody, sulky and so short tempered.

I pi**ed off skirting around his moods!

So am I to straight myself?

OP posts:
OurGlass · 25/04/2015 13:44

What a loser

comingintomyown · 25/04/2015 13:57

Op I work with a woman whose husband has been a heavy weed smoker his whole life , their DS is now early twenties and loves to spend his time smoking weed with his Dad. She hates it and hates that her DS has ended up on it too but always says well he was doing it when she met him and hoped he'd give up when they had a child...

In all honesty I would make the break as soon as you feel strong enough , good luck

MsPerfect · 25/04/2015 14:34

Seriously? I've never said this before but LTB.

Aim higher. You deserve it. You will find someone better. Someone who is engaged in your relationship and family, someone who can't wait to fly abroad with you for the next adventure, someone who doesn't spend £££ on weed but instead works hard and saves money for his family.

If you aim higher you teach your dc to aim higher. Be a good example and leave him. He won't change.

People should change in a relationship. Live is about change. As you get more responsibilities you have to change to adapt to having children or a full time job etc. if you don't change you end up like your DH.

Don't feel guilty, don't feel like a bitch, he has brought this on himself.

You sound strong. You can do this Flowers

cattygirl1 · 25/04/2015 15:22

MsPerfect~ Thank you for your kind words.

When I met him I was fine with it but we were not living together nor had a child.

I have grown up and moved upwards during these 10 years, he has not, I have never tried drugs so im not even sure what he gets from it, but asking him to stop was the only time i've realised he really cant stop and thinking on it he would be unbearable if he did.

Both his 2 older children also now smoke cannabis and also I suspect other drugs, I really don't want that for our child.

OP posts:
cattygirl1 · 01/06/2015 21:03

Thought I would update this, unfortunately im no further on.

We spoke again and he feels I need to make more effort with us as well as him.

He is still smoking and I believe he is sneaking to buy more than I first thought.

I get to the point of seeing sense and thinking this is ridiculous then he has the ability to make me feel sorry for him.

Not sure where to go from here really.

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 01/06/2015 21:18

He doesn't want to change. He is 'happy' as he is- as a stoner. You've accepted it along with all the shit that goes with it up until now, so it's time FOR YOU to make a tough decision.

He won't like it, but it won't be enough for him to change. I've walked in your shoes for a long time and they don't get any more comfortable. Nothing else he does makes it worth putting up with this.

cattygirl1 · 01/06/2015 21:26

That is the problem, I have changed and I can no longer sweep the mood swings under the carpet, each new mood grinds me further, but there is a huge part of me that feels a sadness to him, for us and our family.

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 01/06/2015 21:38

And that's what he hopes will keep you there, putting up with crap, ignoring your own needs and those of your child.

How would you feel if your DD grew up and began smoking weed too?

Would you encourage her to settle down with a man like him?

Of course not. But every day you stay you increase the likelihood of that happening.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 01/06/2015 21:39

Of course you feel sad, OP. You are starting to mourn for the realisation that this won't be the relationship you and your daughter need. It's not a reason to stay.

cattygirl1 · 02/06/2015 12:25

Thank you both, you both speak so much sense, hopefully I will find the strength to get my head out of the sand.

OP posts:
ApignamedJasper · 02/06/2015 12:50

Op, I was in a very very similar situation to you at one point in time and eventually I did have to ltb. Again, I have never said this to anyone before on MN but I think unfortunately this is what you should do.

I was one of the most painful things I've ever done but it needed to be done, I think even he would agree with me in the end that we were all better off after. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk further xx

skittycat · 02/06/2015 12:54

Leave him. He's made it pretty clear he wants to continue wasting his life to a drug so let him. Don't waste yours waiting around for a change that might never happen.

VacantExpression · 02/06/2015 13:05

Please leave him. He doesn't deserve you or his child and you and your child certainly don't deserve him. Get yourself safe and well away from him and his drug use.

GloGirl · 02/06/2015 13:06

You're an idiot.

I'm sorry, it keeps reading like you are trying to show him a better way. Trying to get him to change.

You speak like you think you can shield your daughter from his drugs.

You can't. You can't change him. You can't change that your DD knows .

His life is fucked, and I don't care - you shouldn't either. You can't fix him.

19lottie82 · 02/06/2015 13:12

He spends perhaps £30 - £40 per week on his habit

8-10 spliffs a day (63 a week?) doesn't cost anywhere like £30 - £40 OP!

If he smokes that much and says that's how much it costs, then he is TOTALLY bullshitting you! TOTALLY!

I used to be a stoner and have a couple of close friends who still are, and if he is smoking as much as you say, you're prob looking at £150-£200 a week. Easily.

I have a friend in a situation similar to yours. Her husband has smoked since he was 14 (he's 35 now) and smokes from when he gets up until he goes to bed. he has a PT min wage job, while she earns a good wage. Well on paper anyway, but after his habit, the car payments and the mortgage, they're pretty much skint. They have 2 kids, ages 1 and 4. Luckily her parents provide childcare. If they didn't, she would be totally fucked!

The kids don't cost much now but I don't have a clue what they are going to do when they get a bit older and start needing and asking for more stuff.

Like your DH, he gets edgy and angry when he doesn't have it. I think she just thinks it's not worth the hassle of forcing him to stop, but it's a real shame for her and the kids. I guess she justifies it to herself because he's "always been like that".

The only solution here for your husband is cold turkey. It won't be pleasant and he will need to find other things to keep his mind off it, exercise is always a good one.

19lottie82 · 02/06/2015 13:19

Your GP should be able to help him to take steps to kicking his habit, IF he wants to that is.

I'd give him a time frame in which he must give up completely, and if he doesn't..........

DamsonInDistress · 02/06/2015 13:42

Is your child at school yet? Because whilst SS may well not come knocking at your door solely because of a few joints, the school will have an obligation to note on your child's file if they turn up to school smelling of drugs on a regular basis, or if your partner tries to collect her whilst appearing to be under the influence. That record will follow them from nursery to school to high school, it may get passed to doctors/A&E if your child has an (unrelated) accident at school etc. Is that really a risk you fancy taking?

ApeMan · 02/06/2015 14:50

Smoking dope with a family to support and protect?

Tell him to grow up and stop being such a little tosser!

Preciousbane · 02/06/2015 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistressDeeCee · 02/06/2015 15:00

Oh God no - lose this loser please. I was with an ex like this for a good while. The utter boredom of listening to him philosophising about the benefits of weed. How it made him feel calm and happy...oh so brilliant for the appetite too as it gave him the munchies...after a time him almost climbing the walls or being moody & silent if he couldn't get his spliff. Nope, can't say I miss a thing about him. I did love him in a way but the need to get away from him and his girlfriend Miss Weed transcended that. Furthermore too much money was going up in smoke - literally - and that hardly makes financial sense does it

If you stay with him there is no way for you all but downhill, sorry. Some good suggestions on here about him kicking the habit but in my experience weed smokers don't want to stop. Its not cocaine or heroin is it so "its not bad".

cattygirl1 · 02/06/2015 21:12

I realise he will probably never change, he has been like this for 20+ years. Our D doesn't realise yet he takes drugs, she just thinks he is moody and she gets scared of him on things like wakening him up or doing something wrong, not terrified of him just knows im a softer touch.

The day will come she will realise what he is doing though and I dread that as how can we preach about drugs and not smoking when her dads does it!!

OP posts:
woowoo22 · 02/06/2015 21:23

What's stopping you putting her first and leaving him?

cattygirl1 · 02/06/2015 21:29

Im scared to break up the family, she will miss him greatly, I know she will.

Im scared that I will regret the decision and then things will never be the same again.

I cant really explain why really, I used to be a very strong, independent person and now most of the time im to scared to even speak about this to him.

OP posts:
FlabulousChix · 02/06/2015 21:38

Ask yourself what you want for your child. Do you want her to have a better start than you and options? Then it's your job to make sure you put your child first and you second. Do the best you can for your child to ensure she has a start different to yours.

FlabulousChix · 02/06/2015 21:39

In your shoes I'd move 100 miles away and distance the father from you.