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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my H to stop smoking Cannabis?

116 replies

cattygirl1 · 23/04/2015 21:56

I have asked him to stop or at least cut way back smoking cannabis as he smokes about 8 - 10 joints per day.

What im finding is I barely know him straight, in fact he is not a nice person at times straight, he is moody, sulky and so short tempered.

I pi**ed off skirting around his moods!

So am I to straight myself?

OP posts:

morethanpotatoprints · 24/04/2015 19:34

orangeFluff

totally agree, we are lucky as a friend has a small plant, lives in the country and shares it with us, so it doesn't grow too big
but back in the day £20 wouldn't go very far, even for a light weight and I'm going back a fair bit.

OP if as others suggest you have other issues with him, its time to talk about your future together, the care of your dd more importantly and if he is going to be a suitable parent and partner in the future.

I don't want to judge you because we do it too and that would be so hypocritical but you have to stop this situation now.
If ss were to become involved then they would see you as guilty as him for failing to keep your dd safe.
He isn't using drugs, he has got to the stage where the drugs govern his life and as I said before and you readily admit that he can manage on this level and it feels normal, he will be stepping it up soon, then what? £50 a week, £100? This is your family money and he has only just started working, who has been funding this then?

worksallhours · 24/04/2015 19:51

It is also true that most addict parents are emotionally absent.

I would go further than MrsTP here. If he is smoking 8 to 10 joints a day, he isn't just emotionally absent, he is totally absent. Full stop.

It is highly likely that he cannot really remember what happens from one day to the next. He probably can't recall what happened yesterday; it will be foggy. The thing about smoking this much weed and starting first thing in a morning to boot is that you never have a clear head so you do not lay down memories of anything.

One way to tell how bad this might be is whether or not he forgets things a lot, or "gaslights" you: in particular, if he has a habit of saying that something didn't happen or that you never told him something.

He spends perhaps £30 - £40 per week on his habit.

Eight to ten joints a day? Is he buying filter papers and tobacco as well? If so, I would probably double that figure, maybe triple it.

fearandloathinginambridge · 24/04/2015 20:13

You can ask him to stop smoking but, like an alcoholic, asking isn't going to make him stop. He has to want to stop. It can't come from you unfortunately.

I have seen your other threads and this is a real problem, way beyond the casual smoking of a bit of rocky now and then which many people can function on, the same way that many people can function on a couple of beers a night. This is a dependency and it needs to be viewed the same as an alcohol dependency.

Have a look at this site famanon.org.uk/about. It's an organisation that provides support for families of people who are dependent on mind altering substances.

The truth is you can't make him stop but you can and should find support for yourself. You are holding the whole show together whilst he has effectively checked out. That's no way for you to live, it's just existing isn't it. Take a look at the website and look for other groups or resources for people living with an addict. Don't just sit tight and hope he'll see the light, he won't and you deserve better than this.

fearandloathinginambridge · 24/04/2015 20:16

And also, just in case you were getting in a panic, SS won't come and take your kids away over this. I've known a few addicts in my time and SS never came anywhere near their families, not where there was one parent holding their shit together and taking care of the kids properly.

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 24/04/2015 21:18

I don't touch Cannabis or any other drugs, each to their own but its just not for me. I don't even like the feeling of being drunk!

The thing is to the outside they would probably never guess, I think if he was smoking 1 or 2 occasionally I could accept it, but smoking joints is like his everyday routine, smoking them like cigarettes.

Then its the moods when he is coming down as such!!

I have read the links about driving etc and im shocked, im also shocked as another poster said her partner will not even drive the next day.

My head has been well and truly in the clouds.

OP posts:

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 24/04/2015 21:43

I also hope the day never comes where my child smokes cannabis, im hoping she never realises her dad has been at it her whole life !

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 24/04/2015 21:48

Op ....report him to the Police before he kills someone.

He should not be driving.

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 24/04/2015 21:51

I have been tempted to report him to hopefully make him see sense!

OP posts:

OrangeFluff · 24/04/2015 21:58

How is he paying for this? From what you've said, I think he could easily be getting through £20 of weed a day, plus tobacco. Are you sure it is only £30-£40 a week? It doesn't add up. I think he's lying about that.

ilovesooty · 24/04/2015 22:04

If you've been the breadwinner for some time have you seriously been funding this addiction?

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 24/04/2015 22:12

I have been the breadwinner, so in a way I guess I have een funding it by not taking money from him and allowing money to go on hash instead.

He smokes resin, I believe it is cheaper than weed, that's only what I read on the internet though.

Yes he also has the tobacco etc to pay for, he doesn't look like someone out of their tree all the time, but I guess he must be really!

OP posts:

ElizabethHoover · 24/04/2015 22:15

what the fuck does he contribute to your relationship/

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 24/04/2015 22:25

Sometimes I wonder! He is good with our child.

I think as it has been pointed out on here, I have a very low bar of what is acceptable. He is not violent, does not cheat and is in a way reliable but the flip side, he is addicted to this drug and our lives revolves around it, so much so he will not come abroad as he can not leave the country with his drugs!

He wont admit that, he says he is scared of flying, but I know that is not true.

OP posts:

ElizabethHoover · 24/04/2015 22:26

he sounds brilliant

A nanny would also be good with your kid

ilovesooty · 24/04/2015 22:33

For heaven's sake. Why haven't you kicked him out? What a waste of space.

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 24/04/2015 22:36

I know, I know, im very weak, but im getting there now, I want him out, just have to get the guts to say the words.

After speaking about it previously he was shocked that I felt this way as he says out of the blue as I have always known him to be this way. But i have now grown up!

OP posts:

msgrinch · 24/04/2015 22:42

You're not weak! It's hard. I really feel for you. Please take care of yourself. You do deserve so much be terr then this.

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 24/04/2015 22:57

That's the hardest thing, I feel like such a bitch, which means I can not even see my own worth, which makes me feel sad, I struggle to see I can do better, which of course I can, as I'd be better alone with my child.

OP posts:

myusernameisusername · 24/04/2015 23:03

EWW why marry someone like that in the first place. LTB and have better taste in men next time

Original poster

cattygirl1 · 24/04/2015 23:11

Because I was young and stupid and thought this was the best I would get.

OP posts:

msgrinch · 24/04/2015 23:17

You'll get there. I promise. You're not a bitch, you're doing the right thing for you and your child. He is an adult. I'm 3 months down the line now and it was tough but it was worth it. I feel happy now, there's no waking up wondering what mood he'd be in, no walking on eggshells. You must think of you now. You can do this. Honestly. You can and 3 months down the line you'll be glad you did. Pm me anytime. It's going to be better than ok.

Only1scoop · 24/04/2015 23:20

Oh Catty it sounds like you are getting ready to move on. It will be a bloody good move aswell. Life for you and dc should be better than this. Don't stick around for dc to start thinking this is how it is.

myusernameisusername · 24/04/2015 23:35

um im 22 and i have a perfectly wonderful slightly bonkers loving DH i had an awful upbringing and i still managed to make the right choice in a husband that's no excuse for being with and reproducing with a total cocklodging dosser

seaoflove · 24/04/2015 23:35

Oh wait, you posted a thread recently about not being able to go on holiday, because he'd have to smuggle weed with him?

The response was pretty unanimous, right?

I really hope you manage to see sense - he will never change. And it's all well and good complaining about him on MN, but you owe it to yourself and your daughter to have a happy NORMAL life away from this addict.

missroma · 25/04/2015 13:29

Hi lovely. Your husband needs to be honest with himself as to why he smokes cannabis. They will all tell you it's because they enjoy it but honestly there is a reason. People who take drugs are not happy people and with a little soul searching maybe you could get to the bottom of his issues. I am a drugs councillor and you can not make people stop using drugs. They have to want to do it for themselves. Good luck, stay strong x

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