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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be perfectly happy doing stuff alone?

105 replies

onceuponavino · 23/04/2015 16:00

Hi all,

This really isn't a big deal, I'm just interested to get other people's input!

Since my late teens I've been perfectly happy doing things alone e.g. going to the cinema, going out for lunch, exercising. I'm just not someone who has ever really wanted a "gym buddy" which used to somewhat irritate a few friends at uni as they would take it personally.. but I just prefer exercising alone!

I am particularly like this with shopping. If I know I want a new dress for something I will take myself off into town, get the dress and it's done. I don't feel the need to ask a friend to go with me. I'm not a loner per-say, I have a close group of friends but at the same time I am comfortable being a party of one. Don't get me wrong I love having people around me but I don't feel I NEED people around me. I'd rather go to the cinema with a friend but if there is a film out that no one I know wants to see, I'll just take myself off and that's ok. When I have some spare time I may well want to spend it with friends but I may also just want to be by myself.

The thing is, people seem to take this personally. I was with a friend today and she asked if I was busy on saturday and I said no. She said "ok do you want to come into town with me I need some new shoes." So I said ok but straight away she responded with "you don't really want to do you?" I must have given that away in my tone although I really didn't mean to! I know you may be thinking, well your friend just wants to spend time with you, nothing wrong with that. But she lives 3 houses down from me, we both work from home so we see each other almost every single day. She's just that type who always needs people around her (she's said many times she gets agitated if she's alone for more than an hour or 2- when not working I mean) which is just something I can't comprehend no matter how hard I try. Of course I will go into town with her but I can't help but think "for goodness sake you're a grown woman who needs a new pair of shoes just go into town and get some!"

I suppose since my late teens I've always felt a little odd for being like this as I know so few people who are the same. I used to fib about doing more on the weekend than I actually did- which may well have been spent alone with a good book or whatever else I fancied doing. Again it's not that I didn't have people to do things with, I just sometimes would want a weekend to myself.

So is anyone else like this? Does anyone else sometimes feel pressured to be with people all of the time or made to feel "odd" if you don't want to be? I sometimes think no one really gets it at all!

OP posts:

Eigg · 23/04/2015 17:21

It's interesting because no one in the world would consider me an introvert but I relish time on my own. I work full time and have children and a husband, so alone time is quite hard to access. I regularly stay up until 2 or 3 am in order to get that time to myself.

Morelikeguidelines · 23/04/2015 17:22

I like.doing things alone. Especially shopping. I have one or two friends (plus my.mum) I can feasibly shop with but am more than happy to go alone. Most people I would rather not shop with.

I am happy to go to cinema or for a meal alone.

I've had some lovely days out alone in my time.

That said I am happy spend Iots of time with dh and kids which is my current lot in life

Original poster

onceuponavino · 23/04/2015 17:24

esmum07 I love museums and galleries alone! It means you can look at everything in your own time and spend more/less time in certain areas depending on what you're interested in! And yes I read a quote once something like "the best thing about being an introvert is you never feel lonely." It's SO true! I'm fine spending the day pottering and like you say eating when I want, watching what I want but I know people who would go mad at the thought of spending the entire day alone

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diddl · 23/04/2015 17:28

Clothes shopping with someone else-my worst nightmare!

Walking/cinema/museums all fine alone.

I do like lunch out with others though.

SpringBreaker · 23/04/2015 17:31

I am an only child from a very small family, so I grew up learning not to be bored by my own company. I enjoy being with friends, but I equally enjoy time on my own too to do my own thing. I have gone to concerts alone, trips abroad, restaurants, hotels... I love reading and walking.. I love photography.. I can happily do all of those on my own without getting lonely.

I prefer clothes shopping alone as I can flit back and forth between shops, stop for a lunch break when I feel like it, and not have to stand around waiting for the other person to try things on in shops I dont want to go in.

Momunnymoproblems · 23/04/2015 17:35

I'm currently on holiday on my own, pure bliss!

spanky2 · 23/04/2015 17:44

I recharge my batteries being on my own. I run, paint, read, sew alone. I like being with people, but generally if I am with them all day I feel exhausted. I actively run on my own. I have had to tell friends who wanted to go together that I like to be alone. Dh is the opposite. He recharges by being with people. There was a thread years ago about this and it comes down to whether you are an introvert or extrovert.

IhavenevermetAnthonyHead · 23/04/2015 17:47

once I could have written your post almost word for word even down to the company-obsessed neighbour-friend! I am EXACTLY the same. Nothing is more alien to me than the idea of taking someone with me for company or opinions while I choose clothes or shoes.

Archer26 · 23/04/2015 17:49

YYY to this. I have no issue doing things alone, in fact I look forward to times when I can.* My husband on the other hand is the complete opposite. He is very sociable and if he knows I am going out without him he often makes plans himself so as not to be alone.

I had a baby two days ago- I'm sure this freedom of doing things alone has gone now!

IhavenevermetAnthonyHead · 23/04/2015 17:49

Clothes shopping is hard enough as it is without having to keep up a running dialogue with someone else, showing them everything you try on and constantly worrying about whether they are bored or will mind if you go all the way back to the first shop…it's a total mystery to me why any women over the age of 15 actually do this.

Original poster

onceuponavino · 23/04/2015 17:59

haha Ihave ! Yes she's so lovely and means well I just don't understand her constant need to be around people.

archer26 this sounds exactly like my older brother.. he lived at home until he was 24 and if my parents and I were both out of the house he would find someone to do something with as well because he hated being alone. He LOVED uni and living with 7/8 people but I hated it. In my 2nd year I lived with 5 others, all still good friends but I just can't live with that many people. In my 3rd and 4th year I lived with just one friend who spent her time 50/50 between our flat and her boyfriend's and it was perfect. But with my brother he loved being around so many people all the time.

And yes Ihave I don't get it either. Even to the point where when I lived with my friend I would shop online and as soon as a package arrived she'd insist on me opening it in front of her so she could tell me what she thought..ummm Ive already bought it and decided I like it so what is the point lol!

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Original poster

onceuponavino · 23/04/2015 18:16

oh and archr26 congratulations!! your little'un and I just missed on sharing the same birthday (20th for me)

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IhavenevermetAnthonyHead · 23/04/2015 18:17

My middle child is like this - he can't be in his own company for more than an afternoon at a time without climbing the walls and getting depressed with loneliness. I just don't understand it at all - I would HATE to have to be with other people day in day out. Other than DH and my kids obviously, but even they are a bit much sometimes….

Original poster

onceuponavino · 23/04/2015 18:20

sounds JUST like my brother Ihave..no DCs yet (first due in November) so I know this "love being alone" thing cannot last much longer ??

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Original poster

onceuponavino · 23/04/2015 18:21

oops that symbol on the end was a laughing/crying smiley face lol posting from my phone!

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SASASI · 23/04/2015 18:30

I'm like this & am def an introvert but I do Worry I am going to be very lonely in my Old age ...

WyrdByrd · 23/04/2015 18:36

I'm the same.

DD & DH went out for the whole day and evening last Saturday (9am - 11.40pm) and I debated organising something with a friend but decided against it. Spent the whole time pottering at home - cooking, drawing, reading - 'twas lovely but I know plenty of people who would think I was bonkers.

Original poster

onceuponavino · 23/04/2015 18:47

watching Susan Cain's TED talk as I type! She is absolutely on point. Someone in the comment section wrote

"People don't get that I'm an introvert because most of the time I'm not shy at all. They always think introverts are suppose to be shy and never talk to anyone... but it's little things like reading a good book on a friday night while all my friends go out and feeling amazing about it and long days talking and talking having to cancel plans later on because I have to recharge. I just wish they would stop finding me weird about it. At least I'm finding more and more people like me."

Only 6 mins in so far but she's so spot on.

OP posts:

pasturesgreen · 23/04/2015 18:51

I'm exactly the same.
I don't mind accompanying friends clothes shopping, but if I'm buying for myself I need to be alone. I can't shop otherwise.
I've also been known to go to the cinema by myself, and even on the odd ministrations.
People usually find it difficult to get their heads round it, though!

karatekimmi · 23/04/2015 19:10

Don't have kids!! I can't even shower in peace as my 3 year old has to keep checking on me!!!

I had an awesome 3 weeks in Thailand on my own years ago and although I occasionally missed having someone to share things with, it was fantastic to be so selfish - I did what I wanted, when I wanted and it was brilliant. Now I have to answer to a mini dictator constantly "what you doing mummy?" And can't ever slip away. I wouldn't have it any other way really but I miss being alone.

Dieu · 23/04/2015 19:24

I LOVE being on my own, when sans enfants. With the kids, I'd rather be with others. Spread the monotony (joke)!

Deux · 23/04/2015 19:24

I'm like this too and some friends think it odd. My idea of bliss would be for DH to take the DCs away for a week. I'll happily potter at home, do some sewing, watch Saturday Night Fever ....

DH always take DS camping for a couple of weekends and he's decreed that DD is now old enough to go too. I'm rubbing my hands.

I wonder if it's an eldest child thing. I'm the eldest. My eldest likes his space and some solitude whereas DD wants to be around people all the time. DH likes to be around people the whole time too and he's a middle child.

I don't ever get bored. If I'm at home alone I'm never in a situation where I can't find something to occupy myself.

Carlywurly · 23/04/2015 19:25

My favourite thing ever to do us be alone in a foreign city. It's the most liberating thing ever. Dp and I travel a lot and I always make sure I get even an hour here and there wandering about alone.

I feel extra fab if I can manage the language alone, was super proud when I tried on and bought a coat in Berlin once

I love being around people but need a few minutes every so often to recharge, even if it's from taking a shower or nipping to a shop for something. My job involves being with people all day and I love to sit in silence in the evening. The tv often doesn't go on.

AmysTiara · 23/04/2015 19:26

I much prefer going shopping alone but I don't think I'd enjoy the cinema or a meal by myself. Not sure why tbh

Ragwort · 23/04/2015 19:32

I am the same too (also an oldest child Deux) - I love spending time alone and my happiest days are pottering around at home on my own, I hate going shopping with anyone else, they never seem to want to go in the same shops and I have one friend in particular who can spend ages in handbag shops (yawn) when all I like are charity shops.

But I have friends who cannot bear to be alone, one of whom cannot even spend an evening alone if her children are out - to me that is bliss.

Guess it's lucky we are all different.

I also hate sharing a bed - fortunately my DH is happy to have separate rooms .

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