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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have totally lost it at my toddler over a poo?

97 replies

sleepy11 · 23/04/2015 12:27

My DD is 2 1/2. She was potty trained over Christmas and did really well - she took to it quickly and is very good at wees and is pretty much dry overnight too.

Now, I realise she has achieved a lot for a young toddler but............

She is an absolute pain in the arse about having a poo - she knows she needs to go but refuses. She's not constipated or anything, it's more of a 'need for control' issue. When she does go she is really pleaseed with herself and we all make a big happy fuss

Last night however, I took her off to the potty as she was doing her 'poo wiggle' that she does when she is trying to keep it in, she sat for 5 mins and swore blind there was nothing coming. She did a big wee so I thought maybe I had misjudged the wiggle.

About 5 mins later she was playing a cried out "My need a poo!" and got upset - I picked her up and ran up to the bathroom but it was too late and it was EVERYWHERE. Not to mention down my front where I had unknowingly held her pooey back against my front. I totally lost my shit.

She was stripped and washed and bathed, all whilst I shouted and she cried. She was VERY sorry when we had all calmed down.

As I said, I realise she is very young but I asked her specifically only minutes before if she needed one and she can usually wait so for it to explode the way it did, she must have been feeling it coming for some time.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr.......................... why won't she just sit and have a bloody poo and let us all get on with our day?! I am sick of the traipsing to the loo for nothing, not to mention the state my washing machine must be in these days!!

OP posts:

littlehouseinthebigwoods · 23/04/2015 14:19

Yanbu for feeling so frustrated and its great that you've had a chat about it with your dd. My DS found poos a bit stressful. I took off his clothes, Fed him baked beans and waited. As soon as he started to look uncomfortable I popped him on the potty and held him there. Then made a massive fuss about how clever he was, took a photo and sent it to daddy etc etc...

Another good idea I read about is to pick up lots of cheap little toys/stickers at a pound shop and individually wrap them, and put them in a pretty basket in the bathroom. Tell her they are her 'poo presents' and she can unwrap one when she poos in the potty.

Sorry if that has already been mentioned, I only skimmed the thread! Fresh start tomorrow!

Topseyt · 23/04/2015 14:22

MaddieFan, you are being totally ridiculous. Do you even have children? If so, are you the perfect sainted parent who has never uttered a cross word to them?

Your posts are insulting. It isn't abuse. It is called being human.

TenerifeSea · 23/04/2015 14:23

Not one person has said Sleepy's reaction was acceptable. It wasn't and she knows it. The important thing here is to how to move forward from it to help her little girl. Berating her and calling her names will not help the child at all.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/04/2015 14:27

Here's how this one is going

OP: Am I BU?
MN: yes - you were totally OTT
OP: yeah, well, I wasn't

musicmaiden · 23/04/2015 14:29

You were being unreasonable and you know you were, but it's totally understandable. Toilet training is a messy, frustrating process. We all lose it at times - even MaddieFan, I would think, despite her judgeypants.

She is only 2.5. She will get it, and probably very soon. Don't beat yourself up about it and just move on positively

MagicMojito · 23/04/2015 14:29

ILive I reported maddies "bitch" post so we'll soon see!

Tbf MNHQ do seem to be pretty unbiased in regards to deletions for personal attacks IME

Flywheel · 23/04/2015 14:32

I strongly disagree with to posters saying that the child isn't ready for toilet training. Poo withholding is very common, and quite seperate to toilet readiness. It can go on for a long time, and start after successfully being clean and dry. 2 of my 3 have had issues with this, and I don't think throwing a nappy back on is the answer.
There have been some really unpleasant posts, suggesting the op is trying to impress with her 2.5 year old trained daughter. Ffs, that's not particularly young. I'm all for not rushing toilet training (ds was 3.2) but plenty of kids are ready at 2.
Op, if this becomes an on going issue (and I hope it doesn't) I would reccomend a stool softener, just to make sure there is no discomfort and also the poo goes to pooland book. Good luck.

Topseyt · 23/04/2015 14:34

I think MaddieFan's posts describing the OP as abusive should also be deleted.

If things like that are allowed to stand then people who really need support and a place to vent will be too scared to post.

ouryve · 23/04/2015 14:35

YWBVU. She's 2 1/2 and still learning, ffs.

Recognising poo sensations and acting on them is very difficult. Sometimes you can feel it there for hours before it's going to move. Other times the urge comes on very quickly and needs to be acted on. Sometimes you thought you just needed a fart, but it was more. Sometimes it is just a fart.... That's a lot of sensations to come to terms with as a toddler.

And none of it's made any easier when you become frightened of getting it wrong because someone is going to harangue you for it.

OracleofDelphi · 23/04/2015 14:39

YABVU sleepy..... im sorry but your post has made me feel quite sad. Fair enough we all reach the end of our tether and shout when we should have been calmer but your post reads like you are remorseful at all.

I think you seriously need to stop and think about what she has already achieved and manage your own expectations of her far far better .

I used to sit my two on the potty when they were 2 and a half and just put cartoons on (peppa pig) and it would come of its own accord. But going forward seriously, please dont shout at a tiny child because they had one accident that they told you they were about to have...

Goldenbear · 23/04/2015 14:41

The thing is, of course no one is perfect but boundaries have to exist that you do not cross. It is a matter of self respect, I.e 'I will not shout at my dc non stop whilst stripping them, washing them as that's not the kind of parent I want to be'. Of course we reach our limits, these things are frustrating but a muttering of 'for goodness sake', if you are not being 'perfect', covers those feelings. You cannot justify everything away with, 'well none of us are perfect' as how far do you take that?

ThoughtsPlease · 23/04/2015 14:49

My 3rd child, DS spent months pooing in his pants, unfortunately sometimes I ended up shouting, I remember when like you OP I had just recognised he needed to go, we were at the swimming pool, he was dressed my daughters has just finished a training session. He said he didn't need to go, and then just pooed in his pants minutes later. He knew he needed to go.

Then one day, certainly by the end of last year, I can't quite remember when now, it just stopped. He now tells me in good time even when out when he needs to go.

He is still 2, we started last summer, and there have been no long term issues due to me getting cross sometimes.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2015 14:49

Yabvu she is only little, I wish ds 3.3 years was at the stage your dd is at. We have been potty trying for a month, the penny is dropping very slowly. He gets to the toilet but not in time, bui am happy he is at least trying to get to the toilet. Poos can take longer, yes you gave to be relaxed about it, if so has an accident so what. My dd took a whole 6 months after being dry to master poos, I know other parents have experienced the same thing. I have shouted myself, it getsnowhere, and can make the child more anxious.

ouryve · 23/04/2015 14:53

Agreeing, goldenbear.

I've scraped up my fair share of shit. It is horrible. I'm not singing a happy song while doing it. Chances are, I will have a grumble about what a horrible job it is. If I reacted like the OP, I wouldn't need to ask if I was BU and wouldn't continue to try to justify myself, after the event.

sparkysparkysparky · 23/04/2015 14:56

Haven't seen op continuing to justify losing it. Have seen a lot of posters suggesting they would never express their frustration out loud. Or lose it.

mariposa10 · 23/04/2015 15:04

Your poor, poor child. It isn't okay to scream at a two year old for having an accident, no. There's no excuse. You need to have a long think about how you react to things like this or she is going to grow up with issues.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 23/04/2015 15:35

Grow up with issues. Behave yourself Mari.
My mum was a shouter she's mellowing now with age but God she was bad tempered in her younger day. Mind you me for a daughter who could blame her. .
I've not grown up to have ishoooos. I'm the most laid back person ever.

DixieNormas · 23/04/2015 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2015 16:44

Ilive I might be like your mum, I am a shouter

Goldenbear · 23/04/2015 17:21

Sparkysparkysparky, expressing your frustration out loud happens in a way that I remarked upon but shouting at 2.5 year old who is already likely to be very upset about her accident, then continuing to shout at her whilst stripping her down and then shouting at her some more whilst washing her, sounds like a very upsetting, punitive approach to something that is not her fault!

As someone pointed out, the OP didn't sound very remorseful in her initial post and that coupled with calling her, 'a pain in the arse', to be frank is 'unreasonable' IMO.

Shouting at a toddler happens but it's not something I'd be gloating about as a discipline method. My DH's mother was/is shouty and a formidable lady, mine is not, guess who my DC like visiting the most?

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2015 17:43

Ds as I said is as I prefer to call it, toilet learning, and even though it is frustrating cleaning up endless wee and poo, now less so as he is gaining more control, but I do refrain from shouting. I was very shouty with dd 8 who now has ASD, did not realise at the time. The third attempt, I was much calmer, and not shouting, and she got there a lot quicker, I am ashamed at myself, and desperate not to repeat it with ds.

sparkysparkysparky · 23/04/2015 18:56

Golden, nobody including the op has said this was the right thing to do. Obviously it adds unnecessary upset and op knows it.
I read op's initial post as being from some one fed up and frustrated with a tricky situation. AIBU is probably the last place on mn that she would find advice. Op hopefully has seen all the pp that show her that this is not an uncommon problem and that patience and humour is the best way to deal with it (even if you have run out of both).

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