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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have totally lost it at my toddler over a poo?

97 replies

sleepy11 · 23/04/2015 12:27

My DD is 2 1/2. She was potty trained over Christmas and did really well - she took to it quickly and is very good at wees and is pretty much dry overnight too.

Now, I realise she has achieved a lot for a young toddler but............

She is an absolute pain in the arse about having a poo - she knows she needs to go but refuses. She's not constipated or anything, it's more of a 'need for control' issue. When she does go she is really pleaseed with herself and we all make a big happy fuss Smile

Last night however, I took her off to the potty as she was doing her 'poo wiggle' that she does when she is trying to keep it in, she sat for 5 mins and swore blind there was nothing coming. She did a big wee so I thought maybe I had misjudged the wiggle.

About 5 mins later she was playing a cried out "My need a poo!" and got upset - I picked her up and ran up to the bathroom but it was too late and it was EVERYWHERE. Not to mention down my front where I had unknowingly held her pooey back against my front. I totally lost my shit.

She was stripped and washed and bathed, all whilst I shouted and she cried. She was VERY sorry when we had all calmed down.

As I said, I realise she is very young but I asked her specifically only minutes before if she needed one and she can usually wait so for it to explode the way it did, she must have been feeling it coming for some time.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr.......................... why won't she just sit and have a bloody poo and let us all get on with our day?! I am sick of the traipsing to the loo for nothing, not to mention the state my washing machine must be in these days!!

OP posts:
EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 23/04/2015 12:48

I came on to say pretty much the same as ConcreteElephant. I read somewhere, when mine were little, that some children do feel they are losing part of themselves, so often hold back if they need a poo, as they find it quite frightening and distressing.

Yes, you did wrong, OP, as your DD will now be even more reluctant to poo in the toilet/potty. But, it is easy to get cross, through frustration, just hope you do not repeat your actions in future. You'll have to work harder to let your DD gain her confidence again. Flowers

spiderlight · 23/04/2015 12:58

Read this to her: Poo goes home to Pooland. I don't know why it works but it's nigh-on miraculous! We had terrible problems with our DS and poos on the potty/in the toilet, but this fixed it in two reads.

MagicMojito · 23/04/2015 12:59

Yabvu. She's only 2.5 she's clearly not ready to be fully potty trained and there is nothing wrong with that.

You need to learn to control your temper otherwise you will cause your DD massive issues. It actually sounds like quite a humiliating experience for her tbhSad

bigkidsdidit · 23/04/2015 13:02

Yes, shouting is unreasonable, she must have been froghtened. My DS was the same so I used to put a nappy on him for half an hour after dinner so he could poo in peace! After a month or so he stopped wanting it.

TenerifeSea · 23/04/2015 13:04

I suspect you aren't really asking because you know you are. You made a mistake but she won't be harmed forever. I second the "Poo goes home to Pooland". It made me giggle (in private!) but my son really liked it.

Don't beat yourself up over it, just move on and learn from it.

RosesareSublime · 23/04/2015 13:04

your making it worse for yourself it doesnt sound like she is ready at all for potty training,.
back off and leave it and dont make a fuss.

i dont know why people push and stress at dc for potty training.

Maddiefan · 23/04/2015 13:05

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namechangeafternamechange · 23/04/2015 13:05

YABU and possibly creating issues surrounding poo from now on.

My DS potty trained just after his 2nd b'day (although he is by no means dry at night and I don't envisage he will be for quite some time) but point blank refused to poo on the potty or toilet. I ended up having to buy tesco value nappies just for him to poo in and he would ask for a 'poo nappy' so I knew he recognised the need to go. The one occasion I tried to 'force' him into pooing on the toilet by pretending I had run out of poo nappies he held onto it for 9 flipping hours then shat as soon as I put his bedtime pants on! After that I just let him get on with it as he was so distressed and at £1.41 for 20 nappies it was hardly breaking the bank

The turning point came at xmas when we went to my dsis's house and he poo'd his pants. He was mortified and he has poo'd on the toilet from the very next day (I kid you not it was that instant).

Your DD is still so little and she will do it in her own time, I don't think a prolonged bollocking was really that warranted tbh.

thewavesofthesea · 23/04/2015 13:06

I completely get how frustrating it is. Don't beat yourself up for losing it at her; compassion is needed for both of you.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 23/04/2015 13:10

I'm not going to say ybu. Whether I think IT though is another thing entirely but you've had enough people verbally attack you over something you already feel bad about. You dont need it pointing out further by me.
I've always said. I can understand a parent or anyone for that matter getting to the point when they lose it.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 23/04/2015 13:11

Have you thought op she may not be ready to ge potty trained. My dd wasn't done till she was 3.

bigkidsdidit · 23/04/2015 13:15

If she's dry day and night she's reDy surely. 2.5 is a completely standard age for training.

popalot · 23/04/2015 13:16

I'd go back to pull ups for now until she gets the poo thing sorted, then you won't have all the spillages. Poo goes back to pooland sounds like a good idea too!

We all get cross, but if you totally lose your rag like that you need to apologise and adjust what you are doing so the situation doesn't arise again - hense pull ups. Little children find that sort of meltdown frightening, so you need to explain you were wrong and then move on quickly.

snickers251 · 23/04/2015 13:17

Yabu and reacted badly

Ds had a year of poo witholding, not due to constipation or battle of wills but due to fear. He was on movicol and his diet decreased dramatically

He was 2.8 when it started and although we managed to potty train he still has the occasional moment where he won't go now at 4.5, it's frustrating but hey that's kids!

Dancergirl · 23/04/2015 13:21

YABVVVU

And if I were you, I'd be feeling very guilty.

She is two and a half years old. A baby really.

You know, I just don't understand this obsession with getting your child potty trained so early. And then to give them praise for being 'good' or 'clever'. Learning to control bladder and bowel is just a normal stage of development like learning to walk or talk, and if you study the biology and mechanics of it happening, it happens a lot later than you might think.

I think some people just can't be bothered with changing nappies any more so push their child into it.

Your dd shouldn't be sorry for it happening and you should tell her so. Lots of children have accidents, for a variety of reasons, and some of them a lot older than yours.

If pooing is the issue, maybe she would feel more comfortable pooing in a nappy for a while. Just don't make an issue of it.

I think you owe your dd a huge apology.

KellyElly · 23/04/2015 13:24

Everyone on MN is perfect and completely understanding with their child over every bodily function. Back in real life, most people have snapped over this kind of stuff. It's stressful if it has become 'a thing'. Give her a cuddle, say sorry and try to be more patient next time. You are only human.

CarolPeletier · 23/04/2015 13:27

Yabu. Poor kid, she is still learning about her body and to be screamed at to the point of making her cry is awful. You obviously feel bad, learn from it and treat your daughter with a little more gentleness.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 23/04/2015 13:28

I think if you're sick of traipsing to the loo then it's maybe time to take the pressure off regarding potty training. It doesn't have to be this stressful.

Also, as PPs have DCs don't view poo the same way as adults do. As adults, we can carry a lot of baggage about poo being dirty/smelly/carrying diseases/add any other negative issues about poo. DCs don't have that. So the experience wouldn't have been as upsetting for your DD as it was for you, well, until you shouted and made it upsetting for her.

sparkysparkysparky · 23/04/2015 13:28

You know you handled it badly.
We had similar struggles with ours. Hard to believe that a daily struggle is all in the past. It can really get you down but you know that losing it is the wrong thing to do.
We tried everything. For some reason having a "poo party" in the loo worked. Blowing bubbles either real or imaginary while on the loo makes all the necessary muscles do what they need to do

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 23/04/2015 13:31

YY Kelly.
Very easy for people to say unknown and online...oh I've never lost with my child.
Mean while back in RL things are very different. I think a lot of people have been very rude and kicked op when she's down. I think what she was looking for was for people to say Don't worry we've all snapped about something. Give her a cuddle. But no in typical MN we're so perfect mums style. They wade in with their yabus.

MagicMojito · 23/04/2015 13:43

This is aibu Confused

lots of posters have answered the OP and told her she was being unreasonable.
I dont think anybody has told OP that she's a crappy mum overall, just that in this instance she happens to be unreasonable.

Topseyt · 23/04/2015 13:44

Maddiefan, I think you are going too far there. No need for that at all. I hope you are the perfect parent and have never lost your rag.

OP, you are not a bitch, nor cruel to your child. You are a stressed and frustrated mum of a potty training toddler. It is hard work at that age.

You are human. You lost your rag under pressure. I have yet to meet any parent who never did.

She is 2 and a half. I had a daughter who was well ready for toilet training at that age. She would wee in the potty or toilet. Initially she would also poo there too.She then went through a phase where she would sit on the potty/toilet for a while before insisting that she would only do it in a nappy. I didn't give her one. It only took three or four accidents before she got over that one anyway, and I said little apart from a firm "next time get it into the potty or toilet".

I must say that our problem seemed to coincide with an incident when my eldest daughter (then barely 5 herself) thought it would be funny to tell her little sister that she could be flushed down the toilet!! Yes, said 5 year old did get a dressing down for that, but because it had been said it was too late to take it back.

Maddiefan · 23/04/2015 13:47

Really? Screaming at a toddler over a perfectly natural body function isn't cruel? I beg to differ. What kind of mother does that, for fuck's sake?

Dancergirl · 23/04/2015 13:47

She then went through a phase where she would sit on the potty/toilet for a while before insisting that she would only do it in a nappy

Sorry topsey but in that case she WASN'T ready for potty training. Often OUR idea of readiness is very different from the child's point of view.

MagicMojito · 23/04/2015 13:48

OK. I Missed a pretty big personal attack there didn't I?!

Whilst I do think op is being unreasonable re the poo incident, I don't think it warrants being called a bitch by a stranger online.