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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

i know IBU, and it's none of my business but...

62 replies

onemiddlefinger · 23/04/2015 12:12

My colleague's wife has given birth to their first baby. Baby was born Monday night and he was in the office Tuesday, so we all congratulated him, but were also asking what are you still doing here, in a light hearted way.
So he said he was going to be off from the next day. Then the next day, yesterday, he was still in the office as he said the wife and baby are still at the hospital (everything fine just waiting to go home after lunchtime) anyway he said he will leave after lunch. He didn't and he is also in today.

Yes, I know it's none of my business AT ALL. But i'm pregnant atm with my second child and even when I'm at the hospital with the baby I will expect DH to be there for pretty much the whole time (during visiting hours) as he did the first time (although I did have a c section so moving around in the beginning was quite hard and I really needed the help).
I just don't understand a situation when DH would not be there unless there was an emergency at work or my mother was there instead for example...
This is not the case with the colleague (wife's mother is coming over this weekend).
AIBU and is this common to be on your own with the baby the first few days and for DH to go to work as normal?
I know IBU for sticking my nose in other people's life, it has just made me wonder if I have been quite precious to expect my DH to be there fully (although he never had any other ideas and wanted to be there himself).

OP posts:

AGirlCalledBoB · 23/04/2015 12:15

My oh stayed with me the whole time I was in hospital including the nights because PND hit me hard and I could not cope.

He then had 4 weeks off, until the antidepressants started to take effect and I was coping more.

All the women in the hospital had their partners there during visiting hours. Maybe he is just not hands on, traditional maybe?

VacantExpression · 23/04/2015 12:18

Does he seem happy? It might just be what works for them? Unless there is anything else that might raise alarm bells about how he feels about baby I wouldn't be too worried. It might be that they have family around for the first few days and he is trying to escape his MIL

By the time DC3 came around I was more than happy for DH to head almost straight back to work after the birth although slightly shorter hours than usual for a week or two (3xCS here and needed a bit of help with the older DC).

I don't think YABU for sticking your nose in because we are all human and its normal to be nosey isn't it? but I think you might be being a bit U to worry too much. See what happens next week/when wife is home.

chipsandpeas · 23/04/2015 12:19

if shes still in hospital then id be assuming he doesnt want to waste paternity leave and waiting til she comes home

Idontseeanydragons · 23/04/2015 12:20

With put first DH was self employed so could be fairly flexible with his time and came to the hospital as much as he could while we were in.
With DD1 he would do the school run, come and see us, go to work, pick DD up from school again then come and see us after tea.
I HB'd third time and he had paternity leave. I told him he could go back to work after 3 days because he was bugging the shit out of me and he did. He'll admit he went back gladly
It's all about what works for them as a family. We were lucky, I had no real problems or after effects from the birth.

namechangeafternamechange · 23/04/2015 12:20

I've got to be honest, I don't see the problem with this. He is obviously hanging on to start paternity until wife and baby are out of hospital, when he will be most needed.

The day I had ds I had to shoehorn my OH out of the hospital as he wouldn't leave. It's not that I didn't want him there but I felt like it was my first and only born and I needed to sort my emotions out without feeling like I was being watched. He was also monopolising ds, he wouldn't put him down, and I needed a few hours just me and him to find my feet.

You don't know the full situation but it could be the case with your colleague and his wife. He is much more needed at home rather than the hospital where there are MW and MCA's to hand.

Sirzy · 23/04/2015 12:21

If she is in hospital she has support from the staff. Assuming no major problems it makes much more sense for him to save his paternity leave for when they are home and the support is needed more.

IDid11 · 23/04/2015 12:21

It's what happened when I had my DC. My husband may have just become a father but the bills still needed to be paid. He had three days leave when I had DC1 and came out of hospital the same evening and four days off when I had DC2 (I had an elective ceasar and he looked after our firstborn while I was in hospital for the 4 days).

I didn't need him there 24/7 after that and I sure didn't expect him to 'be there fully' so back to work he went. I suppose it depends on personal preferences and family finances.

MaebyF · 23/04/2015 12:22

I can see how this might work better for paternity leave. If there is someone else visiting his wife in hospital, maybe, and he doesn't start his paternity leave until she gets home, then he gets more time with her?

CarolPeletier · 23/04/2015 12:23

If it were me, I would want my husband to wait until I was home from hospital to start his paternity leave. His wife is probably at the hospital with the support of midwives and family and visitors etc - its when she gets hone she will want him around all the time.

Almostapril · 23/04/2015 12:23

He is wisely keeping his paternity leave. Sensible man. With my first my OH didn't sit around with us all day but ran errands etc With second he was out doing nursery run etc

The80sweregreat · 23/04/2015 12:23

My dh went back to work asap after both of mine! I actually coped better without him around, not that i am uber organised or anything, but it just seemed easier without him around all the time. Maybe he just is nt hands on or his partner would rather he was at work? Maybe he would rather his Mil and her got on with things and he is planning leave at a later date or something. Everyone is different, i also think leave for fathers has changed a lot in the 20 odd years since i had mine too!

AuntyMag10 · 23/04/2015 12:23

He and his wife may have worked it all out and have their reasons. Yes it is none of your business, imagine being judged over this!

TheJiminyConjecture · 23/04/2015 12:23

Maybe she has a friend / sibling during the visiting hours and he's saving his paternity leave for when she needs him?

loveareadingthanks · 23/04/2015 12:26

Seems normal to me.

My husband went back to work while I was in hospital (back in the days when you had to stay in for 5 days whether you wanted to or not!) and then took paternity leave from the day I came home. It's a waste of the paternity leave otherwise, really, you only get one or two weeks paid so it seems silly to use it when other people are around to help. It's when you get home it's good to have you both there. They do visit in the evenings!

crapfatbanana · 23/04/2015 12:26

You're right, it isn't any of your business. For all you know there could have been complications and they could've been kept in hospital for longer. When I had my twins we were in hospital for two weeks and my husband went into work during that time and began his leave when we got home.

wigglesrock · 23/04/2015 12:26

My husband went to work the days I was in hospital with dd1 and dd2, I was home after 5 hours with dd3 so he didn't.

Visiting hours were strict in the maternity ward I had my kids in, after the actual birth partners were only allowed during normal visiting hours so him being off work was a bit silly.

KittyVonCatsington · 23/04/2015 12:26

As others have said, in hospital, there is support available from Staff. Would his leave not be better spent when Mum and Baby are home alone ??

It is obviously what has been agreed with him and his wife. I do feel, even though you say you are not, that you are being very unnecessarily judgmental.

MrsDeVere · 23/04/2015 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

herethereandeverywhere · 23/04/2015 12:28

Paternity is supposed to be taken in one whole chunk so he could be saving it until she's home with absolutely no-one else to help and assist (as opposed to midwives and nurses/HCAs etc). I think I/we would have chosen to do something similar if I'd had such a long hospital stay.

CapnMurica · 23/04/2015 12:28

We did this. I didn't need or want someone there when I was trying to establish breastfeeding or sleeping while I was in hospital.

YABU. It is none of your business and they probably have their reasons.

RupertsGirlGroom · 23/04/2015 12:29

I needed more help in hospital than I did at home, but that was due to bullying bitch nurses, filthy showers and staff who woke me up looking for lost cups or trays!

ReallyBadParty · 23/04/2015 12:30

Seems fine to me too.

DH was brilliant when ds was born, but is self employed and has a work to do and money to earn regardless.

He was there when I needed him, but was in the office pretty much every day at some point.

I did not have anyone at home with me but very much enjoyed my time just with me and ds.

So each to their own, I reckon

loveareadingthanks · 23/04/2015 12:30

My local hospital has open visiting hours for the Dads, so no problem going after work. Normal visitors are allowed up to 9pm anyway. So it's not like he isn't seeing her and the baby - he just sensibly goes after work for now, (and maybe he goes before work too, you don't know), so he can spend 2 weeks off with them when they get home.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 23/04/2015 12:32

my hubby didn't take paternity leave until week 2, i had my mum week one, it didn't take 3 people to care for 1 baby.

LiegeAndLief · 23/04/2015 12:33

My dh went back to work pretty much straight away after both our dc were born, despite being entitled to paternity leave.

First dc was in NICU/SCBU for 2 months, so we saved the leave for when he came home. I had a cs but wasn't looking after ds as he was in NICU so I didn't need him practically (emotionally would have been nice!) - he was definitely back at work whilst I was still in hospital.

Second dc we were both in hospital for 4 days and my mum was here looking after ds. I didn't need help as had had a VBAC, so able to move around, and I knew what I was doing. He waited until we were home and my mum had gone to take paternity leave.

Both times this was what worked best for us - I was very glad to have dh around at home and if he had taken leave when I was in hospital he would have had to go back to work.

It's also worth noting that 2 weeks of SPP is a bit of a pittance, especially if the mother is on SMP - we were lucky to be able to afford it but some people will cut their paternity leave to a minimum for financial reasons.

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