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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

i know IBU, and it's none of my business but...

62 replies

onemiddlefinger · 23/04/2015 12:12

My colleague's wife has given birth to their first baby. Baby was born Monday night and he was in the office Tuesday, so we all congratulated him, but were also asking what are you still doing here, in a light hearted way.
So he said he was going to be off from the next day. Then the next day, yesterday, he was still in the office as he said the wife and baby are still at the hospital (everything fine just waiting to go home after lunchtime) anyway he said he will leave after lunch. He didn't and he is also in today.

Yes, I know it's none of my business AT ALL. But i'm pregnant atm with my second child and even when I'm at the hospital with the baby I will expect DH to be there for pretty much the whole time (during visiting hours) as he did the first time (although I did have a c section so moving around in the beginning was quite hard and I really needed the help).
I just don't understand a situation when DH would not be there unless there was an emergency at work or my mother was there instead for example...
This is not the case with the colleague (wife's mother is coming over this weekend).
AIBU and is this common to be on your own with the baby the first few days and for DH to go to work as normal?
I know IBU for sticking my nose in other people's life, it has just made me wonder if I have been quite precious to expect my DH to be there fully (although he never had any other ideas and wanted to be there himself).

OP posts:

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 23/04/2015 12:36

With DC1 DH was there during the day except when he went home to get me things. He was there the first night because things went a bit wrong and I was taken back into the operating theatre - he had DC1 by himself for 5 hours. After that he slept at home but came in all day (I was in 4 days)

With DCs 2 and 3 though nothing went wrong and DH only came in for shortish visits with the older DC - it was much more important to me that he be there for the older DC (just turned 2 when DC2 was born, then 3 and 5 when DC3 was born) so they didn't feel excluded or pushed out - I think this was absolutely right for us as we didn't get any jealousy of the new baby/s. I had sections for 2 and 3 as well and was in 5 days each but staff were good (quiet hospital) and I coped just fine and didn't really need DH or any visitors.

DH didn't go to work though - needed him once I was home but not in hospital.

With DC2

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 23/04/2015 12:38

It's between him and his wife surely

Viviennemary · 23/04/2015 12:42

I don't see a problem with this either. Some people don't want a man under their feet all the time. I think it's nice just to have some time alone with a newborn baby.

PerfectlyPosed · 23/04/2015 12:42

I ended up in hospital for four days in all, two in labour and two postnatal. I wish my DP had worked during some or all of those days (baby was born in the middle of the night so he wouldn't have missed the birth) as he ended up only really having a week off work to spend with us. I would imagine that is what you're colleague is doing so as not to waste the little time he is allowed off.

FenellaFellorick · 23/04/2015 12:43

makes sense to me. She's still in the hospital. If he only gets a certain number of days leave, why waste any of them hanging around the hospital? She'll need him more once she's out.

crazykat · 23/04/2015 12:46

I don't see a problem with it. If I'd have been in hospital for a few days after having our first then I'd have preferred dh to go to work and save the two weeks paternity leave for when we were at home. But I did have relatively easy labours and was able to get up when I wanted, if I'd have had a difficult labour or cs I might feel different.

RedSoloCup · 23/04/2015 12:49

YANBU for wondering but I guess different things work for different people.

I went in with DD1 to be induced and sent DH to work as I just wanted to sit and read my book in peace and knew it would be hours and hours, he could get back in under 20mins if needed.

He went home had some dinner and came back in. She was born at 1.13am the next morning and he didn't miss anything.

I then came out of hosp that day and he took a weeks annual leave (paternity pay isn't enough to live on sadly) but if I'd stayed in I would have preferred him to be at work until I was actually home.

I really like spending time on my own though I know not everyone is like me. I never struggled with any of mine as newborns and used to love the time just me and them feeding and bonding.

dixiechick1975 · 23/04/2015 12:51

My waters broke Sunday evening, had dd Thursday morning - in hosp 9 nights. released the following Thursday evening. If paternity leave had started as soon as my waters went dh would have had 1 day at home with us. Normal uneventful pregnancy so I had assumed I'd be in hospital a day or two if that.

WizardofSnoz · 23/04/2015 13:03

He might have an urgent piece of work he needs to do or be under pressure to get something done.

People's job's aren't secure today and they can often have their arms twisted. I know people at my work who would do that if their boss pressured them because they know it's the kind of thing that would come up next round of redundancies. 'Lack of commitment', 'Unreliability'.

Some hospitals don't have very flexible visiting hours and if it's for the sake of an hour at lunchtime he might think it's not worth risking it.

RabidFairy · 23/04/2015 13:17

I needed DH for support with DC1, so he came and visited every day I was in the hospital (DD born on Friday lunchtime, I left the hospital Monday morning).

With DC2 I was home within hours of giving birth to him so it didn't come up.

With DC3 (still pending arrival!) if I have to stay in hospital I don't expect him to stick around as we have DD and DS who need looking after and I'd rather he was with them. If I have a c-section it might be different.

I think in their case as long as both parents are happy, it's wise to delay starting paternity leave until mum and baby are home. It's such a short time men get after all.

kinkyfuckery · 23/04/2015 13:21

"I know I am being unreasonable, but am I being unreasonable?"

Um, yes, you are. None of your business. But then you also know that. Hmm., not sure what you are after??

lemonyone · 23/04/2015 13:25

YABU - my DH decided to go to work while I was in hospital recovering from C-section so that he had more paternity time with us when the baby came home. Seemed not much point in him being with us in hospital with my mum there, visitors, nurses, mate from NCT in the next door bed etc.

memememum · 23/04/2015 13:33

Won't your dh need to be looking after your dc1 whilst you're in?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/04/2015 13:36

As I remember it (not too clearly, I have to admit!) DH also went to work the first couple of days after DS1 was born, because I was in hospital. I think he had to have the first day off because he'd been up pretty much all night; but went in the following 2 until I came out, and then started his 2 weeks paternity leave. He managed to get in for visiting hours in the evening but I was pretty much on my own the rest of the time, I think. But it was ok - I was in my own room (small perk for being staff, plus there were no other takers at the time) and I just got on with bonding and trying to feed DS1, who had a TT and trouble latching.

I don't think it's a big issue, tbh - but if he continues to come into work when his wife and baby have left hospital, that might be more cause for concern.

However, you are right in that it really isn't any of your business - but since you were asking if this was "normal" then I think you can see that for some, it is normal not to start paternity leave until you are actually home and in need of help.

Kittymum03 · 23/04/2015 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoandMax · 23/04/2015 13:46

DH went back to work after DS2 while I was still in hospital then started paternity leave when we came home.

My mum was staying to look after DS1, I had loads of visitors in hospital planned and I felt really well and happy to not have him there the whole time. We felt it would be much better he kept his leave for when I got home and my mum left. He still came in first thing and spent the evenings after work with me so I didn't feel unsupported.

ShadowSteam · 23/04/2015 13:47

It makes sense for him to be at work while his DW is still in hospital, because that way he can keep his paternity leave intact for when she and the baby are discharged.

Unless she's got problems following a difficult birth, his wife is much more likely to need his support once she's home with a newborn than when she's in the hospital with midwives around.

Original poster

onemiddlefinger · 23/04/2015 13:53

I am not exactly worried, it just made me wonder if this is quite common and it seems that it is.
To me I could not have imagined DH going to work after DS was born, physically after the c section I needed help and emotionally I needed him there too (it was am EMCS after a difficult labour).
This time it will be a planned c section and I do expect DH to be there again (my mother is coming to look after DS1 and if it's a weekday he will go to nursery as usual to keep his routine).

I realise that not everyone is the same I was just beginning to think if I am/was being too needy?

OP posts:

Totality22 · 23/04/2015 14:03

Slightly different but my OH left us about 4am and didn't come back until 5pm!

After a 51h labour he went home and passed out.

Most of his family (and mine) had met the baby before he came back! And then he only stayed an hour.

He was amazingly hands on from the moment we got home this was 2.5 years ago but he just hated the hospital part of it. I didn't care really, it gave me a chance to get to know my new baby.

Second time he stayed with us the whole time, but labour was 80 minutes and we were discharged after 6 hours.

lemonyone · 23/04/2015 14:04

You weren't too needy, you just had different priorities.
I wanted DH at home with me. It seemed a waste to use up a few days of precious paternity leave to have him in hospital with me when I was pretty happy there hanging out with the baby and extended family by day, and seeing him at night.
Different strokes and all that.

CMOTDibbler · 23/04/2015 14:04

Ds was born at 35 weeks, so dh hadn't finished up his work at all (and neither had I). He went to work while we were in hospital so he could clear things to be off on paternity leave for 3 weeks.
There was no one to visit me/ds, but there wasn't at home either, so it was much better to have him with me then.

Kittymum03 · 23/04/2015 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NellysKnickers · 23/04/2015 14:06

Dh didn't get any paternity leave at all as he's self employed and couldn't afford not to work. Really don't see the problem especially as she's still in hospital. YABU.

Polyethyl · 23/04/2015 14:11

My husband visited me morning and afternoon when I was in hospital after giving birth. He worked from home in between. What would he have done staying by my bedside constantly? Watched me and baby sleep? Watched me and baby breastfeeding? Watch the midwives taking our Obs?

OllyBJolly · 23/04/2015 14:15

I'd be pretty Peed off if the DH used up precious leave while I was in hospital drinking beer, watching sport, enjoying the peaceful empty house

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