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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about having small house for DC?

80 replies

Turquoiseflamingos · 23/04/2015 07:22

Probably a daft thing to worry about but does anybody else sometimes worry that their home is small and the children may be teased as they encounter wealthier classmates?

Obviously I'd love to think that by the time they reach secondary school we'd be in position to move somewhere bigger but for now the house is tiny.

Aibu?

OP posts:

catabouttown · 23/04/2015 07:27

I was in the same position, we live in quite a wealthy area and the only place we could afford to get in the local school is tiny. So far it hasn't been a problem and we are so much more comfortable financially than when we were renting a lovely big house that we have a much better quality of life for the children. i think we have fairly warped ideas these days about how much space you need in a house and particularly the idea of children sharing rooms and things like that, where as ultimately you always fill the space you have whether it's a tiny flat or a large 4 bed house and there are more important things in life!

UncertainTea · 23/04/2015 07:28

No. Because we don't have a house. But I do because we have a small flat. 3 bedrooms and one combined living/kitchen/hallway. No garden. Everyone else he's at school with seems to have a house and garden. But we realistically can't afford any more. And there'll be other things I imagine he'll be picked on for first (foreign, asd etc)

BlackeyedSusan · 23/04/2015 07:28

a little bit yes. at least you have a sodding house

Original poster

Turquoiseflamingos · 23/04/2015 07:29

Yes, this is also quite a well to do area! It's difficult - I don't exactly think they'd be targeted but I would hate them to feel 'poor'.

OP posts:

PannaDoll · 23/04/2015 07:47

Yes YABU. I live on a Narrowboat with DC quite happily and comfortably. Just don't buy into the 'they need lots of stuff' myth.

Iggly · 23/04/2015 07:49

The DCs don't really think about it unless their parents put those idea into their heads... So don't ever mention it in front of them!

My ds (5) doesn't comment on our flat - he's been to friends with huge houses and others who live in small flats. He's more interested in their toys.

PannaDoll · 23/04/2015 07:49

Ignore my post. I see you aren't worried about space restrictions but about being thought of as poor. I have nothing constructive to add to this conversation sorry should have read the post properly.

usualsuspect333 · 23/04/2015 07:50

YABU.

Original poster

Turquoiseflamingos · 23/04/2015 07:52

I suppose they wouldn't at 5, but I'm more worried about when they get to secondary school.

OP posts:

ragged · 23/04/2015 07:54

People who look down for that aren't the type of friends they want, anyway.

Skeppers · 23/04/2015 07:58

I've been having this paranoia too. We don't even own the house, it's rented; we've been there a while (11 years) and the landlord hasn't decorated/replaced threadbare carpets once since we've been there. It's got to the point where we've contacted the letting agent on several occasions to ask if we can get on and decorate it ourselves, but no response to any of our requests. So the place looks run down and shabby. Plus, with a baby on the way we don't really want to shell out almost £1500 on a deposit for a new place, let alone the hassle of moving and settling before he arrives!

Again, we are reasonably well off (both work FT and earn above national average salary) but- like thousands of other decently earning, professional couples- we'll never be able to afford our own house as prices in the area are inflated beyond all reason.

I'm already dreading having other children over for 'play dates' as I'm literally ashamed of our house and the state it's in. As it is I'm not 100% happy with the prospect of a new baby rolling/crawling around on grotty old threadbare carpets but, what can we do? It's not how I'd choose to live if I had my own place, but them's the breaks!

I suppose as long as your child has a loving family and a safe place to sleep at night, that's the bare minimum anyone can expect. There's more to life than 'keeping up with the Joneses'. Maybe I should take my own advice!?

And, as someone else pointed out, if kids are going to pick on someone, they'll find some reason- if it's not one thing it'll be another!

IhavenevermetAnthonyHead · 23/04/2015 07:59

When mine were little I had lots of children who lived in very small houses come into mine and go 'Wow - this house is so big!' (it was pretty big, to be fair, and adults would often say the same thing which always made me a bit uncomfortable as well.) It always worried me that my children would have a similar reaction to the sheer contrast to their own environment and I would drum it into my children to make sure they never said the same thing in reverse!

I don't think children would necessarily tease others over it though - just comment on it in the way that kids tend to just say what they see. It might be 'wow, it's so tidy/untidy in here' or 'wow, your mum is really young/old.'

Original poster

Turquoiseflamingos · 23/04/2015 07:59

Well, no, I'm not articulating this very well (early! ) but I don't think they would be deliberately bullied or similar.

I worry they would think of themselves as 'different' and resent me for this in adolescence in particular. My own dad moved from a beautiful 4 bed detached house after my mothers death in my teens to a 2 bed terrace as he said we 'didn't need the space' and I went to an independent sixth form where most of the girls I made friends with lived in houses similar to my old one. I felt very different and embarrassed about inviting people home.

Also since I can't guarantee having two children of the same sex it looks like we'd have to stay at one child.

Self indulgent whimper, I know! :)

OP posts:

Lagoonablue · 23/04/2015 08:03

YABU. It really doesn't matter. Kids can be picked on for tons of reasons. I bet most won't notice your house and if they do they are not the type of friends you would want. Kids can be cruel but they don't really understand this stuff too well.

I lived on a council estate and my friends lived on a private estate. The only issue came from one of the parents who was a real snob. I didn't care and nor did my parents.

Don't worry about it.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 23/04/2015 08:03

I grew up in a flat, and only at secondary school did it become evident (to me) that I was one of only a tiny group of kids who did. However any concerns I had didnt last long. All my friends loved coming to mine - I was always welcome to bring a friend home for tea even without my mums prior permission, and could have someone sleep over every weekend if I fancied. It was a very welcoming and fun home, and thats what my friends picked up on, not the fact it was up a flight of stairs, had no outside space etc.

Skeppers · 23/04/2015 08:04

I distinctly remember one kid at school who people used to bully and call 'pauper' because he lived in a small, run-down house and sometimes had holes in his school uniform.

We, as rational adults, know that it's not fair or reasonable to judge people on how they look/where they live. But kids (especially teenagers) can be absolutely fucking hideously cruel to each other. Anyone who thinks this doesn't happen is, frankly, naive. Whether it was encouraged by the parents, I don't know, but I find it unlikely. The poor kid ended up dropping out of school because of the endless bullying. I can't blame the OP for being a little bit worried; to be honest, I am because of my own personal experience of seeing this poor kid being picked on at school.

HellKitty · 23/04/2015 08:07

My DCs had extremely wealthy friends and pretty poor ones when they grew up. Not once did they ever comment on the size of the flat/house in either way. The only comment I heard was when I picked up DS2 once from a friends, he turned to the mother and said 'your house is very dirty'...they were in the middle of redecorating though. I think

Skeppers · 23/04/2015 08:08

(Although, having said that, I grew up in a council flat...and I didn't get bullied for that, I was bullied because I had short hair and looked like a 'lesbian' ...kids, eh!?)

Original poster

Turquoiseflamingos · 23/04/2015 08:09

Gosh, I hope you told your DS off for that HellKitty

I'm not worried about bullying in the usual sense of the word. Just - 'difference'. :)

OP posts:

butterflyballs · 23/04/2015 08:14

If you bring your child up to appreciate that having a roof over their heads and clothes on their backs and food to eat is enough and that having parents who are there for them is worth more than a huge house then your dc shouldn't feel poor.

Our cottage is tiny. So tiny that dp and I sleep in the living room and visiting teens and smaller kids are used to seeing us sprawled on our bed watching tv in the evening when they come here. My kids moved from a massive flat to this tiny place and while it's worth more we have hardly any space. In this area, where 5/6 bed houses are everywhere and the average house is 500k plus, we are definitely in the poorer bracket. However we have an open door policy on friends, are welcoming to all of them and one of teens friends prefers here than either of her parents houses due to the pressure she's under at home.

I'd also teach your dc to like people for who they are not what they have. My youngest has friends who live in both council houses and 6 bed houses.

Kvetch15 · 23/04/2015 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yougotafastcar · 23/04/2015 08:15

I grew up in a tiny one bed flat with my mum, it was basically 3 rooms. I was funny about bringing people home, and would only bring close friends round. None of them minded or even commented really, they just asked where my mum slept. I know my mum felt bad that I didn't want to bring friends round.

I never resented my mum. She did her best and I had a great childhood. It really isn't the size of your house that matters, you are probably worrying more then your DC ever will

Original poster

Turquoiseflamingos · 23/04/2015 08:16

That may be true nationally, but in a well to do area like this one it isn't the case unfortunately (for me.)

Of course, we aren't poor and I very much hope that by the time DC is old enough to be at secondary school things will have changed but it isn't massively likely and I am conscious that as a family we will stand out. I just want everything to be as smooth as possible for her because I'd hate her to blame me in any way for being the odd one out

OP posts:

88blueshoes · 23/04/2015 08:17

I think this it's normal to worry about these things so no, I don't think YANBU.

Back when I was at school, I remember it was actually the "rich" kids who were teased/talked about (although looking back it was a fairly average school in a fairly average area so nobody was really that "rich" or "poor"). I even remember playing down things like holidays/hobbies because I didn't want to stand out as being "posh"!

I don't know if that was just a weird quirk of my school though!

BeaufortBelle · 23/04/2015 08:17

No, I dont' think you are being ureasonable to worry about it but I don't think you have anything to worry about. We have a very nice nice in a very affluent area and our children went to "one of those primaries". There was a mix in both their classes and absolutely no correlation between the niceness of other families and the size of their houses. They then went to private schools. One in surrey and one in London. The Surrey one did gawp a bit at some of the Surrey lot, and I'm talking acres here but it wasn't a big deal.

What sticks most in my mind is winding back to primary where there was a lad whose parents had been repossessed and they were in temporary accommodation. They were the nicest family ever and eventually were rehoused in a London block. My DS is at uni now and still in touch with that lad on facebook and often says he's one of the nicest, most grounded boys from primary and how much time he has for him.

I suppose I'm trying to say it's about the people not the properties and the ones who care aren't worth bothering with and yes we did have a few of those but they were never my friends however hard they tried

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