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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To announce pregnancy in this situation?

105 replies

wispywoo1 · 22/04/2015 21:49

OK so a little background info. My sister was trying for a baby for a lengthy time and then got a serious illness/condition which has further effected her fertility. She is due to start IVF over the next few months. Sister does not come across as desperate for a baby or like she'd be affected by other having babies etc but I doubt this is how she feels deep down.

I'm currently 9+4 weeks pregnant and was going to tell parents at the weekend (10 weeks, previous mc). We planned it being this weekend weeks ago. Dsis has now arranged a family meal on Saturday to celebrate her recovery.

I don't want to upset her but I do think she will be happy. I just cannot grantee it. Would it be insensitive to announce it this weekend? We have no problem with waiting. Would be nice to do it with family around though. I'm so worried about her reaction which she probably would keep to herself bottled up.

OP posts:
londonrach · 23/04/2015 16:45

Yes wispy they do. Aibu is a bear pit sometimes but gives good advice also. Ive learnt that when someone mentioned something (thomas toys sold on guntree) i mentioned about x many years ago and wanted to know how that was linked. (It wasnt). I believe some people keep spreadsheets so ive heard. Not for me to judge what people do in their spare time. Anyway good decision and congratulations. Fingers crossed your sister will have some good news soon and the cousins can grow up together! X

WizardofSnoz · 23/04/2015 16:55

No way, not at the meal. Absolutely no way. It would be rude to announce a pregnancy at somebody else's occasion anyway, no matter what that was, because it makes it all about you rather than about them and overshadows their celebration.

But given what your sister is going through you would be unbelievably insensitive and crass to use a meal celebrating her recovery to announce your pregnancy.

Arrange to go and see your parents next weekend. I told mine on the phone. I think you might be perhaps thinking this is slightly more important than it is. You're going to be pregnant for 9 months, there's plenty of time to tell them. And telling someone you're pregnant doesn't need to be a big 'announcement' or planned in advance or scheduled in, especially if you have someone who is in a sensitive situation close to you.

You don't have to tell them this weekend when it will upset your sister. I can't believe you're even considering it TBH.

Original poster
wispywoo1 · 23/04/2015 16:56

London in love the idea of people keeping spreadsheets Grin

OP posts:
MummyLuce · 23/04/2015 20:02

No way tell her another time. This has been a planned meal about her recovery, you can announce your pregnancy whenever

CookPassBabtrigde · 23/04/2015 20:24

It is so much more considerate and good that the OP is thinking about her sister, asking this question on here and giving good thought about how best to announce her news in a sensitive way, rather than steaming in and going 'look at me!' the way some posters on here are insinuating she wants to. She obviously doesn't! I think she just wanted to tell the family in person and the meal seems to be a possibly rare time when all the family will be together at once.

OP the vote is pretty unanimous. I think your sister will appreciate you telling her one to one later on after the meal, and I'm sure she will be happy for you and excited that she will be an auntie. I also hope it will happen for her soon, too.
Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

mrswishywashy · 23/04/2015 20:35

I think you've come to the right decision. Let your sister have her celebration and then announce to her privately first before telling others so she can begin to process it.

My sister announced her pregnancy the day after my wedding I was upset about it even though she later miscarried to me it took away some of the gloss of the wedding. I knew I needed fertility treatment before my wedding and since then had five failed cycles and am now eleven weeks pregant from an IVF cycle. I've not told any of my family yet as am worried about miscarriage so am waiting until after the 12 week scan. Even then I'm very conscious of telling others especially who I know have struggled to have a child as I know how heartbreaking it's been for me over the past years hearing about each pregnancy.

JessieMcJessie · 24/04/2015 08:31

I'm really surprised that nobody has mentioned that a wrongly-timed announcement would not just be upsetting for OP's sister but also for the sister's DP- he has also gone through a long time TTC without success and is facing possible difficulties conceiving due to the sister's condition.

OP you are a good sister to stop and think hard about making any announcement and
FWIW, I think that the right decision is (a) wait till 12 weeks and then (b) tell her first and in private.

But when you do come to tell her, please also spare a thought for her DP and how he will feel.

patienceisvirtuous · 24/04/2015 08:54

Jessie you're completely right. It really saddens me to see DP feeling down re pg announcements. I wish it didn't affect him and I could shoulder all the sadness instead.

We often forget that infertility can be soul-destroying for men too.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 24/04/2015 09:01

I think you've made the right decision to wait a little while & then tell your sister first.

I would also wait until after my 12 week scan TBH.

Congratulations!

Marynary · 24/04/2015 09:02

Congratulations. I'm sure that your sister will be happy for you as long as you tell her privately a week or two after the meal and before you tell anyone else. She will appreciate knowing that you have thought of her regarding this...

meglet · 24/04/2015 09:14

leave it for another week or so. don't announce it at the meal.

CactusAnnie · 24/04/2015 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GraysAnalogy · 24/04/2015 10:55

I'm shocked that the OP is getting praise for seeking advice on the issue - something like this shouldn't even cross your bloody mind. One celebration for the sister who has been ill partly due to infertility and the OP has a dilemma of whether announcing the pregnancy is okay or not? How can the answer not be obvious?

JessieMcJessie · 24/04/2015 10:55

It is the infertility of the OP's sister AND her DP. The sister has not been TTC on her own. And he is also part of the family and presumably was very worried about her during her illness. There was no suggestion that the OP should focus on the DP, just a reminder not to forget him.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 24/04/2015 10:59

(sorry if the conversation has moved on)
my SIL announced her pregnancy at our house warming. it stopped being our housewarming and became her pregnancy announcement.

MissDuke · 24/04/2015 11:09

Op, I am glad you have decided not to announce your pregnancy at your sister's celebration meal. I know it was not your intention - but if you had done so, it absolutely would have turned the attention from her to you, which would be unfair. Let the dust settle, then tell her separately so that she can digest it without having to put on a front for the wider family. Perhaps it won't be a shock, since you have been pregnant before. I totally understand why it seemed like a good opportunity though, and if it wasn't for her fertility issues then it would be perfect timing, as it will give everyone something to look forward to.

Alanna1 · 24/04/2015 11:26

Wait! Definitely wait! You aren't even 12 weeks yet!

timelyreminder · 24/04/2015 11:55

wispywoo I think you've made the right decision and admire your thoughtfulness in asking for opinions.

Mamus · 24/04/2015 11:59

Some of you need to come down off that high horse. There is no mention of the OP wishing to 'hijack' the meal, just that she had, before her sister arranged the meal, planned to tell her parents this weekend. JFC.

patienceisvirtuous · 24/04/2015 12:39

Cactus, what an ignorant comment. Noone suggested she should be focussing on her sisters's partner. It was just a gentle reminder from Jessie that his feelings count too. He is their family, and has been through the mill too.

DimpleHands · 24/04/2015 13:17

I'm not usually a harsh poster but OP it is staggering that you even considered doing this.

I don't know what is wrong with people these days. Where is your compassion?

CactusAnnie · 24/04/2015 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heels99 · 24/04/2015 13:32

Definitely not. The meal is about your sister. Do not mention the pg and also wait till you are past 12 weeks.

JessieMcJessie · 24/04/2015 13:50

CactusAnnie what gives you the right to decide what issues are pointless and which are "subsidiary" or pointless?

My post was perfectly clear that it was simply and additional consideration, I did not criticise the OP and you need to stop being so rude- we are all entitled to contribute to the discussion as we wish.

geekymommy · 24/04/2015 14:12

Some of you need to come down off that high horse. There is no mention of the OP wishing to 'hijack' the meal, just that she had, before her sister arranged the meal, planned to tell her parents this weekend.

There's a difference between announcing your pregnancy that weekend, and announcing your pregnancy at your sister's celebration of something else.