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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To announce pregnancy in this situation?

105 replies

wispywoo1 · 22/04/2015 21:49

OK so a little background info. My sister was trying for a baby for a lengthy time and then got a serious illness/condition which has further effected her fertility. She is due to start IVF over the next few months. Sister does not come across as desperate for a baby or like she'd be affected by other having babies etc but I doubt this is how she feels deep down.

I'm currently 9+4 weeks pregnant and was going to tell parents at the weekend (10 weeks, previous mc). We planned it being this weekend weeks ago. Dsis has now arranged a family meal on Saturday to celebrate her recovery.

I don't want to upset her but I do think she will be happy. I just cannot grantee it. Would it be insensitive to announce it this weekend? We have no problem with waiting. Would be nice to do it with family around though. I'm so worried about her reaction which she probably would keep to herself bottled up.

OP posts:
shewept · 23/04/2015 07:19

Completely agree with trojan on that one. Telling the family is fine, just not on that particular day.

Mermaidhair · 23/04/2015 07:48

Trojan
Nobody has died!!!!!!!Its happy news!!!!!!

shewept · 23/04/2015 07:54

Mermaid it was you who likened it to someone dying. Trojan was using your comparison.

The sister has organised an lunch to celebrate her recovery. She can not conceive naturally. Which is very emotionally draining and distressing. The sister with everything she has going off might take it quite badly. Not because she is horrible but because this a lunch organised for her and her recovery. Before she has to start the long and draining road of ivf

She may take it very well. But to find that out the OP will have to tell her. And if she doesn't take it well, it will be too late to put the cat back in the box and the day will be ruined.

Waiting a few days isn't going to change anything for the OP.

kungfupannda · 23/04/2015 07:57

Definitely wait. It would be extremely insensitive to announce it at a meal to celebrate her recovery from an illness directly linked to her current inability to conceive.

It could go very, very wrong.

Justusemyname · 23/04/2015 07:58

Glad you've decided to wait. Would have been cruel to announce it at that meal with no warning for her. I hope she is able to have the family she wants.

HootyMcTooty · 23/04/2015 08:00

Wispy, I think that's a good decision. Fwiw I've been on both sides of this situation, I know it's sad that you need to keep something so exciting to yourself, when you probably want to shout it from the rooftops. Your sister will be happy for you once she's absorbed the information, but she'll feel sad for herself, kindness and understanding is key. You sound very considerate.

Focusfocus · 23/04/2015 08:08

Some of these responses have bordered on caustic for no reason.

The OP has posted ONCE asking for opinions on whether she should stick to her announcement plans or, given the situation her sister is in, if she should ideally wait. She has not complained about this, she has not gloated, she has not indicated in any way whatsoever that she has chosen this particular family occasion to share her good news. She has said that she had planned to tell her folks this weekend, she has said that now said weekend has a meal together planned, she has said she understands her sister's state of mind, so what would be the best thing to do. A perfectly sensible, sensitive, rationale question.

Selfish, self centred, etc etc do not apply.

Congratulations OP. I agree with others, perhaps choose a different moment, but don't feel compelled to wait till a socially designated moment of the magical 12 weeks. You should share when you wish to (with caveats for situations such as these) and you should share with those people who you know will support you. If you feel comfortable telling mum at 5 weeks, brother at. 7 weeks and best friend at 10 weeks, that's just fine. For you. All best.

CactusAnnie · 23/04/2015 08:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fudgeface123 · 23/04/2015 08:17

Congratulations.

The night is about your sister, not your pregnancy. Don't announce it at the meal, don't speak to her beforehand, push the announcement back. What difference will a couple of weeks make?

proceeding · 23/04/2015 08:22

Well done Wispy, right decision Flowers

I struggled to have my first daughter (four goes at IVF before we had her, 2 mcs along the way) and was always publicly delighted when hearing of others pregnancies - only twice did I have a fit behind closed doors. I'm sure your sister would have been very gracious at the weekend but it is about her and it's good of you to remember that.

Also, and I really hope this doesn't sound massively patronising although I fear it may, remember this is the smallest bit of news you're going to have in the next six months Grin. There doesn't need to be a huge announcement :)

And yes, it is ALL your mother is going to talk about!! And tell everyone. She will probably have a draft text in her phone where she can the gender, weight and name before you've hung up the phone telling her about the little one's arrival!!! would quite liked to have told my aunts, uncles and cousins myself thanks Mum

Enjoy the next few months - and best wishes to your sister. This train she's about to jump on has a bumpy track underneath it Flowers

ScathingContempt · 23/04/2015 08:57

As someone who had ivf and miscarriages, I'd say wait. She's going to have to find out eventually but this will marr her celebratory meal.

A little while after the meal, perhaps sometime next week, tell her quietly herself without an audience.

Buttermilly · 23/04/2015 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CactusAnnie · 23/04/2015 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntieStella · 23/04/2015 10:36

OP wasn't being mean. She asked a question about something she wanted views on, read the replies and decided that it wouldn't be the right thing to do.

That's not mean, that's considerate.

GraysAnalogy · 23/04/2015 10:42

I don't understand why you would even need to question this. It's supposed to be her recovery meal, not your announce I',m pregnant meal.

Viviennemary · 23/04/2015 10:47

I think it would be better to wait till after the meal. And no need to 'announce' your pregnant. Just tell people individually.

drudgetrudy · 23/04/2015 10:54

I would wait till after the meal- say leave it a week. Tell your sister in private first and then tell everyone else at the 12 week scan.
I definitely wouldn't tell your sister in front of anyone else.

Mermaidhair · 23/04/2015 12:40

Shepwet, you are right. It's hard to come across the right way and I can see how my post sounds. I feel a memorial, funeral or when news about someone dying are the exceptions to mentioning ant sort of happy need. At a celebration for the end of treatment is a happy occasion. I'm probably just seeing is wrong though.

bachsingingmum · 23/04/2015 13:19

Something similar happened to me, struggling for years with secondary fertility while my younger sister popped them out. At a Christmas meal my DH noticed she was drinking water (rather than wine) and piped up with the question - idiot! Sis was being quiet, fully aware of the situation. Thankfully I conceived DD2 that very week, so all was well. I'd just say, if you would be behaving differently to normal, tell her beforehand.

Naty1 · 23/04/2015 15:16

I would wait till after 12w anyway, after seeing a couple of people on the antenatal thread im on have mmc discovered only at the 12w scan.

UptheChimney · 23/04/2015 15:39

I've genuinely been torn between whether to announce it when everyone is together and not knowing the best thing to do for my sister

I will never fathom some people. "Genuinely torn" about interrupting an occasion which is expressly for celebrating one's sister's escape from a serious illness? Which, incidentally, even though she's well again, will stop her from conceiving except with a whole lot more medical intervention?

I really cannot for the life of me see what there is to be "torn" about, unless one were completely self-involved.

Don't tell anyone until well after the celebration -- by that I mean in terms of weeks, rather than hours. And be pleased you still have your sister, alive & well.

Original poster
wispywoo1 · 23/04/2015 16:34

Do some people genuinely trowl through mn to find posts to argue on? cactus when did I say I want a huge announcement with all attention on me? The meal will be me and dh, sis and her bf and our parents. I'd hardly say that's a grand announcement.

OP posts:
UptheChimney · 23/04/2015 16:37

With just the 6 of you, all the more reason to forget about your news, and focus on your sister's celebration of her return to health from serious illness, IMO. It's really not about you.

Variousrandomthings · 23/04/2015 16:41

Well the meal is to celebrate her recovery, so best not to hijack it with your news.

Can you ring your sister to give her a few days to adjust just incase she needs it? I suffered from infertility and although I was pleased for my friends/sisters pregnancies, I would initially feel very sad for myself but then pull myself together.

Hurr1cane · 23/04/2015 16:44

See, when I had a miscarriage my friend didn't announce it on the particular admin group we were in BECAUSE I had told them about my miscarriage.

It really upset me because I felt like I'd pissed on her chips and of course I was over the moon that she was pregnant because she's my friend and I love her.

Only you know your sister well enough to know how she will feel