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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To announce pregnancy in this situation?

105 replies

wispywoo1 · 22/04/2015 21:49

OK so a little background info. My sister was trying for a baby for a lengthy time and then got a serious illness/condition which has further effected her fertility. She is due to start IVF over the next few months. Sister does not come across as desperate for a baby or like she'd be affected by other having babies etc but I doubt this is how she feels deep down.

I'm currently 9+4 weeks pregnant and was going to tell parents at the weekend (10 weeks, previous mc). We planned it being this weekend weeks ago. Dsis has now arranged a family meal on Saturday to celebrate her recovery.

I don't want to upset her but I do think she will be happy. I just cannot grantee it. Would it be insensitive to announce it this weekend? We have no problem with waiting. Would be nice to do it with family around though. I'm so worried about her reaction which she probably would keep to herself bottled up.

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 22/04/2015 22:02

Also agree about the day being about her. Sorry but it's not about you and your pregnancy. Harsh but true. You'll have enough time to be in the lime light. The meal is for people to be making a fuss of your dsis.
Also no women would go through IVF if they were not desperate for a baby.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 22/04/2015 22:02

Lots and lots of posts while I was typing and we all say the same thing OP.
Hope the advice helps.

RandomMess · 22/04/2015 22:03

Absolutely not at the celebration meal. I too think your sister may want private time to deal with her emotions.

Blarblarblar · 22/04/2015 22:03

Agree with others above. dont announce at her meal because then it won't be about her. I know your excited and it's wonderful news but it could wait a week or two. Having been a person struggling to conceive and also the person who got pregnant when my friends IVF had just failed I understand from both sides. Could you tell her first maybe over the phone so she can react anyway she wants without being watched, I'm sure she will be very happy for you but might struggle with some mixed emotions.

Brummiegirl15 · 22/04/2015 22:03

As someone who has suffered 3 x mc's my advise would be to wait.

I mean this nicely but that dinner is about your sisters recovery and is "her time" - please don't derail it by announcing your pregnancy because it will take everything away from her. You know she is struggling. The pregnancy will be announced and everyone will quite rightly be really happy and want to talk about it. Suddenly the dinner is about you and your OH and your sister will have to keep a calm face when inside she will be crying.

Of course she will be absolutely thrilled for you, but it will also be like a knife twisting inside of her.

I've been that person and you are at a level of such sadness, pain and bitterness that you didn't know was even possible that you don't think straight and all you can think is "when is it my turn?"

I could be wrong of course, and if it was a normal weekend then I'd say of course announce. But as it's a dinner for her recovery,...

But that is just my view and I do completely appreciate I am biased and have been on the receiving end more than once sadly.

Congratulations though and I hope you have a safe, healthy uneventful pregnancy

Evabeaversprotege · 22/04/2015 22:04

Don't do it this weekend.

AuntyMag10 · 22/04/2015 22:05

I wouldn't even tell her before the meal, why leave her feeling deflated just before her weekend. Tell her when it's over. You will have plenty of time after.

VikingVolva · 22/04/2015 22:06

Not at an occasion she's hosting. Just no.

toobreathless · 22/04/2015 22:07

Personally I would wait until 12 weeks plus.

Partly because I am very traditional in that respect, partly because I really wouldn't want to put my sister through the ups and downs emotionally if it turns out to be another MMC and she has got excited about being an auntie.

Especially if she is about to start IVF. She doesn't need the stress.

I have just announced my third pregnancy, at 14 weeks plus. We had a family wedding last weekend and I waited until after as I didn't want to be congratulated at it and take any attention away from the bride.

Personally I would tell her quietly, by text and without the scan pic after. 12 weeks and let her take the lead.

soupmaker · 22/04/2015 22:07

Please, please don't do a big announcement at your sisters house. She will most likely be utterly devastated that her day has been hijacked by your happy news. I've had 2 MC and hearing about other people being pregnant sent me into a tailspin for many months afterwards. I could normally hold it together in front of others but even when I was genuinely happy for my pregnant friend I'd go home and weep for my losses. It's such an emotional time. You've been there OP, think how you'd feel in your sisters shoes. I agree you should tell her before others on her own and be prepared for her not being overjoyed at your news.

Massive congratulations to you on your pregnancy.

patienceisvirtuous · 22/04/2015 22:08

Yeah, definitely don't tell her before the meal...

SummerHouse · 22/04/2015 22:09

I would wait till 12 weeks. Congrats BTW.

Invizicat · 22/04/2015 22:11

Yup. Insensitive. Don't.

browneyedgirl86 · 22/04/2015 22:17

I would wait.

I am the same as your sister, I struggle with my fertility. I don't go on about it to my family. It's a horrible, vile pain that at eats at me every day.

My sister announced her pregnancy recently and while I congratulated her and gave her a cuddle part of me still felt really sad. (Wouldn't dare tell her that)

So tread carefully. This weekend is about your sisters recovery. Let her have her moment.

adora1985 · 22/04/2015 22:42

I echo everyone else, please don't announce it at the meal, if you can I'd wait until 12 weeks. Once you announce everything will be about you and the pregnancy (meant in the nicest way possible), and you sister will be forgotten about to an extent. Let her have her moment of celebration. I'm in your sisters position, and couldn't think of a worse way for a pregnancy to be announced to me-doing it in person calls for an immediate reaction, and probably not the one she'd give once she'd got her head around the info. She might feel hurt and sad, it might bring up some very raw emotions for her that she'd rather not have revealed to other people.
If she's going to be having IVF then being pregnant and having her own baby means an awful lot to her, no matter what face she manages to put on for other people. I know personally that I manage to keep it together very well around pregnant friends and join in with the well wishes whenever another friend makes their announcement, but each one cuts deep, and I wouldn't want to be forced to reveal that level of vulnerability in front of anyone but my husband.

Sixweekstowait · 22/04/2015 22:54

I can't believe you are even asking this question. Don't even think of mentioning it to her before the meal either . How incredibly selfish and self centred - a meal to celebrate her recovery and she's having problems conceiving? I'm glad you're not my sister

LilQueenie · 23/04/2015 02:44

regardless of the situation you dont hijack anyones day to announce your news.

Turquoiseblue · 23/04/2015 05:42

I m in similar situation to you. Fell pregnant after trying for a few months, d sis has been trying for over a year.
I told her privately at about 9 weeks. One to one. Gave her time to take it on board before announcing it to everyone else.
Over the last few weeks she has struggled. Overtly she s happy and outgoing and shrugs stuff off. Privately she has avoided contact with me, asked how I m doing but struggled with the reply, broken down about how conflicted she is feeling (sad frustrated jelous happy worried).

My message to you is don't expect you can predict her reaction. She might go through a range of emotions. It s lovely you are pregnant and she will want to share that but be mindful to let her set the pace and try not go on about your pregnancy - and don't assume she s ok with being you being pregnant. It s likely she s gotten used or developed coping strategies to hearing pregnancy announcements and the subtle hints or comments from people that don't know any better. However it doesn't mean she won't feel it, as I discovered in my d sis case- magnified, overwhelmingly, conflictingly. Let her some time space and a bit of gentleness to get her head around it.
Keep in regular touch with her too, I found d sis struggled with things like is making plans for summer - I couldn't do an activity we planned and it seemed to really knock her sideways, afterwards she explained it was because it reminded her I was pregnant and she wasn't and she felt it should be her being pregnant.

With that in mind I wouldn't announce it at her occasion to celebrate her recovery. I would suggest telling her first then giving her some time before you announce to everyone else. So she can be prepared for watching everyone congratulate you and the 'your turn next' comments. Also if you announce at your event she can have the option to 'step outside for a breather' when she needs, if she s a host she will be the main focus of the day. Congrats on your pregnancy.

shewept · 23/04/2015 05:43

bourdic that's a but harsh.

Op yabu. I know you planned on telling everyone this weekend, but is it s huge deal if you wait another week or so.

When I arrived at mums to tell her I was expecting our second. My brother was there and announcing he was engaged. So I shut my trap. I told dbro a few days later as we were all booking a holiday together that would have been flying around my due date. But told him to keep quiet for a couple of weeks so sil to be didn't think I was stealing her thunder. Told mum and dad 2 weeks later.

Since your sisters problems have been so much more emotional and this is lunch is about her getting better ywbvu to announce your pg to her.

Mermaidhair · 23/04/2015 06:05

I am going to answer differently. If you would like to tell your family while you are all together you are pregnant do it. Bad things happen all the time to people, and people just deal with it. Why would she be upset? You aren't telling her bad news, it's good news. It's not insensitive, at all. It's like me saying, because my dh passed away you aren't allowed to talk about your dh incase it upsets me. It's not life. Things happen. Incase everyone is wondering I am a very kind and caring person, and would never be mean to anyone. I have more perspective now. Congratulations on you baby

Stinkylinky · 23/04/2015 06:32

I told my SIL who was about to start IVF on our own and before I told anyone else because I felt that this was the right thing to do. It backfired and blew up in my face because she just could not deal with the news at all, it sent her into a total tailspin and she has been extremely awful towards me ever since and insists I told her in the wrong way. In hindsight, I think however I told her would've been wrong because she was finding her whole situation so difficult. I did think about holding off telling her a lot later but thought that she might have felt that I was hiding it from her.

Sometimes in situations like this there is no right way to tell someone or right the time. I would really think about the best way to tell your sister as only you know your relationship with her. Good luck OP and congratulations on your pregnancy

TrojanWhore · 23/04/2015 06:50

"It's like me saying, because my dh passed away you aren't allowed to talk about your dh incase it upsets me"

No, it's not remotely like that.

It's like announcing you'd set the date for your wedding at a memorial dinner for the deceased.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/04/2015 06:58

Wait and don't tell her publicly.

Original poster

wispywoo1 · 23/04/2015 07:04

Well I think that's pretty unanimous thanks for the replies. I'll definitely wait, we might as well just wait til 12 weeks now so we've (hopefully) got a picture to show as well.

Bourdic it's not like I've just gone and announced it. I've been thinking about it for days. I've genuinely been torn between whether to announce it when everyone is together and not knowing the best thing to do for my sister. Pick an argument somewhere else please.

OP posts:

Original poster

wispywoo1 · 23/04/2015 07:06

Also I'll definitely take everyone's advice and tell her privately before parents so she can take in the news. My mum will ptobably be so excited that it's all she will talk about for the next 6 months

OP posts:

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