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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this baby shower is a cheek?

104 replies

notanotherbabyshower · 22/04/2015 18:33

I'll start by saying I'm a miserable git and I find all baby showers tasteless and grabby. I'd much rather visit the mum on my own and buy a gift I like when I want to.

I received an invitation demand to attend a baby shower for a friend, from another of her friends whom I don't know. It was very guilt inducing 'she'll be so pleased if you can attend' and then a gift suggestion list from the mum to bes husband but this is not their first baby, it's their second. So they have everything they need surely?!

I have declined the invitation (said I'm working that day) but have been asked for a contribution to the mum to bes afternoon tea ticket. I've had two children, never had a baby shower by choice, the mum to be likely to be aware of it as her husband is helping organise it.

OP posts:

Uhplistrailer · 23/04/2015 13:04

I've stopped going to baby showers. Really really hate them.

All I can think is 'what if something went wrong with the birth.' I know it makes me sound hugely pessimistic!

I would much rather buy a gift to give BOTH parents once the baby has arrived.

TerryTheGreenHorse · 23/04/2015 13:08

I can't think of a single reason to send out a gift list for a baby shower, it's awfully grabby.

Ive been to one or two but never taken a gift nor has anyone else nor have I been given a list.

I believe in giving presents when a baby is here safe and well to be honest, I think it's totally bonkers to start buying a load of gifts at that stage.

I don't mind it as a day out for a friend before they get busy with a newborn but gift lists, NO WAY.

tinkerbellvspredator · 23/04/2015 13:30

For my first baby (only) I had a leaving do / baby shower after work in a pub, no gift list or contributions and not too annoying for invitees I hope. It was all my and DH's friends. Iirc we bought drinks and nibbles for everyone and a friend organised a few baby related games. It was amusing that a friend (confirmed bachelor, not an euphemism) bought a bottle of champagne at the pub to wish us well which I couldn't drink and DH is teetotal (which he knew)... that was slightly gutting but I smiled and thanked him

ebwy · 23/04/2015 13:37

when I was growing up I heard two older women talking about a third "..and she gave her the present for the baby BEFORE IT WAS BORN! Fancy tempting fate like that!"

you didn't (and I don't) give presents for a new baby before it was born in case things went wrong.

expatinscotland · 23/04/2015 13:46

'In the US they seem really huge, not the few nibbles at home kind of thing, but on par with a posh wedding reception, complete with theme. Probably costs as much too.'

No, not among ordinary people. Maybe for very rich people or people who post on Pinterest.

They are for a first baby only, hosted by someone other than the parents and guests don't pay to attend.

They have been co-opted in the UK to be organised and hosted by the mum-to-be (not done in the US), one for every child, and all this other nonsense.

expatinscotland · 23/04/2015 13:54

You don't organise them yourself as a mum to be and don't ask for money to pay for it. I've been to some that were potluck/bring and share where you bring in a dish to share.

Custardcream14 · 23/04/2015 13:57

They're so awful.

Not the afternoon itself but the fact you must bring a gift.

Unbelievable.

Mrsleighdelamare · 23/04/2015 14:04

YANBU

I have been to a few baby showers, maybe three, and they have always been people I'm really good friends with or my sisters. I still tend to say that I'll buy something when the baby arrives and I haven't been asked to contribute to a shower I'm not attending. I've never been to a really high-faluting type one with a gift list though....I think I've made a lucky escape.

If the friend is a good friend, they would understand why you would rather buy something yourself. And would probably prefer you did so.

mammamic · 23/04/2015 14:05

YABU

Baby showers are lovely. You get to see all your friends together before the big day - we all know that isn't a regular occurrence once the newbie arrives!

Also, the gift list is a great idea. You can give them what they need and would like rather than lots if random/duplicate items.

Exactly the same discussions used to be had about wedding lists and now they're totally normal.

And no one is forcing you. You don't have to go. You don't have to contribute.

ThIs says more about you than the shower itself, IMO

QueenofallIsee · 23/04/2015 14:09

I am throwing a baby shower for my SIL - she has asked her friends and relatives to join us, as I am the host I pay and will be baking cake, providing fizz and pink lemonade and generally making a fuss of the Mum to be!

I think its nice, as long as it is about celebrating the imminent birth rather than an excuse to get stuff!

LoobysMummy14 · 23/04/2015 14:35

That is insanely rude.
I had a baby shower before my little girl was born but it was more like a random gathering of friends and family who i wouldnt see as much of and all of the people who i wanted in my babies life. I would never have asked for gifts but i am greatful for all the people who did buy us a gift and it only consisted of baby toiletries ect..

Tell them to do one!

FrozenAteMyDaughter · 23/04/2015 14:48

Well, mammamic, that's not strictly true. The OP has said she is not going but is still being asked to contribute to the afternoon tea. I would say that is pretty rude and grabby.

Personally, baby showers seem to me to be tempting fate, and there is no way I would have one or go to someone else's.

Each to their own of course.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 23/04/2015 14:49

I have been to a baby shower for a second baby where the woman had been left by her partner after she found she was pg. He left her for someone else. So in her circs I felt it was a nice thing to do she needed more support. It was strange attending though as I was also pg and we had the same due date, so we were all sort of ignoring my bump and celebrating hers

There was no demands made and gifts were up to the guests. We had some baby themed games and it was a nice afternoon.

gabsdot45 · 23/04/2015 14:57

Baby showers are quite popular among my group of friends and it does get a bit out of hand but I've been to some really special ones and they threw showers for me before we adopted both our children.
However a gift list is a step too far. I would just bring whatever present I wanted to bring.

AlansLeftMoob · 23/04/2015 15:01

Her "afternoon tea ticket" - what the fuck's that when it's at home?!

I hate being asked to contribute to things I can't go to. If I want to go, I'll contribute. If not, I'll buy my own drink. It's like being told a load of your mates are going on the piss and being asked to chip in for rounds while you're sat at home.

No, no, no. Baby showers are bollocks. Buy a gift when she has the baby.

AlansLeftMoob · 23/04/2015 15:02

That should be "I'll buy my own gift", not "I'll buy my own drink"

honeysucklejasmine · 23/04/2015 15:17

you didn't (and I don't) give presents for a new baby before it was born in case things went wrong.

This. I like the idea and have been to many, but I would not have one before a child is born.

ByeByeButterfly · 23/04/2015 15:41

I never had a baby shower and thank goodness too - it was just my parents who bought Any gifts for the baby. I would cringe if a friend or family member organised anything unless a close friend wanted to go for newborn clothes shopping.

This is from someone who enjoys weddings so I'm not a miserable cow.

Number3cometome · 23/04/2015 15:46

Currently expecting DC3, never had a babyshower with DC1+2.

Different partner, live in a different area and my friends are insisting on it!

I will be mortified if anyone arranges it and have instructed OH to inform anyone who tries to organise one that I do not wish to have one and if they do wish to be so kind as to buy baby a gift then to do it after baby is born.

I just don't like anything like that myself, but I did attend a babyshower for my good friend a couple of weeks ago (her first baby) and we did totally spoil her, she had a great time.

Andylion · 23/04/2015 17:37

Maybe baby showers are a 'colony' thing.

Maybe they are, They are common in Canada. I've never been to a posh one, though. Just one were most gifts were items such as I mentioned above. Grandmotheres/aunts-to-be might buy a bigger gift, though.

Northernlurker · 23/04/2015 20:12

I know somebody who had one organised for her for her third baby. This was because she had a difficult obstetric history, she couldn't bring herself to really get going on buying anything for the baby and her friends thought a shower would sort that out because she could be given the stuff instead. She was fine with that but didn't turn up - because she went in to labour and delivered a healthy baby that night. So I don't think it's fair to say showers for subsequent babies are grabby. Sometimes there IS a good reason.

ollieplimsoles · 23/04/2015 21:22

My Sister is organising a baby shower for me later this year, she loves organising things like this and i was happy for her to do it.

However

I think they do have the capacity to get out of hand, especially when mums to be are making wedding- style 'lists' on john lewis or whatever, or the organiser is outright asking for large cash donations..

I would be horrified if I found out this was going on at my expense.

LaLaLaaaa · 24/04/2015 07:07

The couple I've been to were lovely - first one was for a young girl at the pub we worked at. It was an excuse to get the girls together and she had no idea about it. 2nd was my best mate and the first of us to have a baby. It was fun. But loads of my mates have had babies now and no more baby showers happened.

I am not having one - but my sil is due before me and is having one. She emailed me her baby registry list telling me 'there's our list so you can buy something for the baby'. Wtf!? I was just going to go out and buy something nice for my new nephew or niece at some point, but now I've got this list with things like a wipe warmer on it. I didn't reply for a few weeks and she then asked did I get the list and was I going to buy something?

She also sent the list to our family members, most of whom don't have a pot to piss in.

IMO baby gifts are a kind gesture from well wishers before or after baby comes and I'll be very grateful for anything I receive, but would never expect it.

I do however love afternoon tea and will happily go to any event where it is served!!

noddingninja · 24/04/2015 07:26

Totally agree with Uhplistrailer and others who've said you should celebrate the baby once it has arrived and is safe. I'm acutely aware of all the things that can go wrong (via my work) and so there's no way I would have had a baby shower with my daughter.

On an unrelated note if you find out the sex, give the baby a name and announce it to all and sundry before the birth, what is there to announce on the day? Just the weight, which no one is really interested in. A bit like opening your presents before Christmas.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 24/04/2015 07:38

Is this what happens when bridezillas become parents?

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