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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this baby shower is a cheek?

104 replies

notanotherbabyshower · 22/04/2015 18:33

I'll start by saying I'm a miserable git and I find all baby showers tasteless and grabby. I'd much rather visit the mum on my own and buy a gift I like when I want to.

I received an invitation demand to attend a baby shower for a friend, from another of her friends whom I don't know. It was very guilt inducing 'she'll be so pleased if you can attend' and then a gift suggestion list from the mum to bes husband but this is not their first baby, it's their second. So they have everything they need surely?!

I have declined the invitation (said I'm working that day) but have been asked for a contribution to the mum to bes afternoon tea ticket. I've had two children, never had a baby shower by choice, the mum to be likely to be aware of it as her husband is helping organise it.

OP posts:

PixieChops · 22/04/2015 19:10

I did have a baby shower for my first,, I put a list together of things we would like- nothing more than £5 and I also said that bringing a gift was in no way compulsory and that really it was for all of us to get together and have a laugh over some tea and cake for the afternoon.i liked mine but everyone bought a gift. I was very grateful for the gifts but was overwhelmed as I had said I was more bothered about them turning up rather than them forking out buying anything. Anyway I have not bothered having one this time. If when baby is here people would like to buy him a gift it will be gratefully accepted but I never ever expect gifts from anyone. I do agree that they can be tasteless and some people do use them to try and squeeze as much money out of people as possible. To say that you are expected to contribute even though you're not going is downright fucking rude and Id be telling her to shove it!

Original poster

notanotherbabyshower · 22/04/2015 19:11

Thanks, I'm glad I'm not the only one who hates baby showers. I may whip together a gift list for my dcs, like new school shoes, toys and I'll throw in a free afternoon tea for me

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 22/04/2015 19:11

I have never been to a baby shower and really don't want to judging by the sound of them.

Reading the Op I would be seriously considering how much of a friend I wanted to be after that. Who wants that sort of people in their life?

raffle · 22/04/2015 19:16

pixie why did you give out a list? You could have just invited everyone for a lovely gathering?

TallGiraffes · 22/04/2015 19:19

They're horrible and grabby. I went to my first ever one recently under duress. There was probably a thousand pounds worth of clothes there for their second child. Bizarre.

Marmiteandjamislush · 22/04/2015 19:20

YADNBU. I'm another one who doesn't get baby showers. Although we don't give or publicize a child's name before they are born and the big items, cot and nursery furniture are not assembled and the room not designated until the DC is developed enough to use them. The Moses basket is brought and bought by the first visitor after birth, usually the DGM and every subsequent visitor brings items of clothing, nappies ect. So I guess we wouldn't ever have one.

Rainbunny · 22/04/2015 19:23

Baby showers are all the rage in the US unfortunately and registering for gifts is the norm too :( But even here it's bad taste to have a shower for subsequent babies if you had a shower for your first baby. I've never heard of people being asked to help pay for the cost of the shower either - that's just rude!! Since the guests are already bringing gifts, the shower is hosted for the guests.

Psipsina · 22/04/2015 19:27

I hate the whole idea of the baby shower. I've never asked for anything from friends and would never expect anything either.

In fact with my third I didn't even tell anyone I was having him partly as I hated the idea that people might feel obliged to get us anything, or think I expected them to.

A few people did buy us an outfit or something small for him which was very kind but tbh we had more than we needed anyway, from having saved things from the first two, as well as my compulsive spending

I think baby showers are awful. Also in the US they seem to have a sort of ritual approach as in, if it's the first baby, the mother to be has to sniff a used nappy and stuff like that, well at least this is what I gather from footage of them I've seen..

Bogeyface · 22/04/2015 19:29

I would message back "I think this has been sent to me in error, as I am unable to attend".

Makes the point that you do not expect to contribute to an event that you are not attending. If you ignore it then they could keep sending it.

BossWitch · 22/04/2015 19:34

Urgh. Hate showers. I want to wait til baby is born to give a gift, for starters. Don't get me started on the stupid sodding "fun" and games. It feels like it's turning into a mini hen do type effort, where will it end?

I had two friends offer to organise a baby shower for me when I was with dd. Told them no way was I going to order all my friends (a fair few of whom having difficulty ttc) to buy my baby presents. One of those same friends later had her own baby, and shower, complete with gift list. Her friends (who organised) seemed to completely miss the point that people like to buy cute baby stuff, so were asking for everyone to chip in to buy some of the bigger, more expensive things that the parents to be had requested suggested. Ruddy cheek of it!

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 22/04/2015 19:39

A gift list for a baby shower

Grabby. Grabby. Grabby.

Poor show.

Bogeyface · 22/04/2015 19:43

Reminds me of the post on here a while back about the parents who organised a super expensive champagne party for their PFBs first birthday and charged £12 per head (I think....could have been more) for people to attend!

editthis · 22/04/2015 19:45

Yes, yes, baby showers are gross, and the contribution request is unreal.

BUT! It's not a demand that you attend, and to say she'd be pleased if you could come is not guilt-inducing, it's normal use of language when issuing an email invitation, I would say. So I think you're overreacting a bit. You've said you can't go, surely that's all there is to it?

As an aside, I think in this country, among a group of close friends, "baby shower" can just be a name for a get-together before the baby arrives, and an opportunity to spoil old preggo. This may not be the case here (a gift list is quite extraordinary) but that may be why they have asked for a contribution to her day. Not that this excuses it, but the thought is a kind one on the friend's part – she's not the one demanding gifts.

shewept · 22/04/2015 19:51

I don't like baby showers at all. Sil had 4 for 2 children. All 'surprises'. I didn't go to any as I was invited last minute (prob out of politeness) and had plans. I was not popular. Anyway during her mid strop she said 'but you haven't even bought the baby anything' I pointed out several things I had bought while she was PG and already given them and that I had a present for when the baby was born.

Personally the only people I know who have them are 'grabby' people (Yes I know not all are grabby I am talking about the people I know) or have made it clear no presents are needed.

timelyreminder · 22/04/2015 19:52

Agree with saying you've already made your own plans.

Sparklingbrook · 22/04/2015 19:54

Is it too late for me to have one now? DS1 is 16 soon. I could do a list and everything.

Bogeyface · 22/04/2015 19:56

I am clearly owed 6 showers (or 12 if we are allowed 2 each), I could refurnish the house for that!

Or maybe people wouldnt mind contributing to my savings for new windows?!

YawnyMcYawn · 22/04/2015 19:56

No.
Just no.

OnlyLovers · 22/04/2015 19:56

It's really pushy to reply to a 'sorry, can't come' with a request for a contribution.

YANBU.

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 22/04/2015 19:59

Sparkling I think a sweet sixteen party with a massive party and a gift list is becoming a thing, so you could do

Mouthfulofquiz · 22/04/2015 19:59

Baby showers = vom

YawnyMcYawn · 22/04/2015 20:10

YY Sparkling. Send a list out but say no one's obliged to bring a present.

You could stand in the corner givin the evilz to anyone with the cheek to come empty handed, mind. For the full effect

Or get a cash fountain and a reminder poem for those tight arses too.

Sparklingbrook · 22/04/2015 20:12

I might do one of those wishing wells

Floggingmolly · 22/04/2015 20:13

The irony, PixieChops. I never ever expect gifts from anyone. But you made and distributed a list...

Sparklingbrook · 22/04/2015 20:13

Abbey I saw a programme about those once.

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