Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this baby shower is a cheek?

104 replies

notanotherbabyshower · 22/04/2015 18:33

I'll start by saying I'm a miserable git and I find all baby showers tasteless and grabby. I'd much rather visit the mum on my own and buy a gift I like when I want to.

I received an invitation demand to attend a baby shower for a friend, from another of her friends whom I don't know. It was very guilt inducing 'she'll be so pleased if you can attend' and then a gift suggestion list from the mum to bes husband Confused but this is not their first baby, it's their second. So they have everything they need surely?!

I have declined the invitation (said I'm working that day) but have been asked for a contribution to the mum to bes afternoon tea ticket. I've had two children, never had a baby shower by choice, the mum to be likely to be aware of it as her husband is helping organise it.

OP posts:
Rockinghorse123 · 22/04/2015 20:19

There's a group of 9 of us who are all friends from school. I was 1st to have a baby and the others put on a tea party at my mums house where everyone brought something for the buffet. They very kindly brought gifts and it was a lovely day playing games, having a giggle and taking my timing opening and looking at presents and thanking everyone at the time.

This started a tradition and we've done the same for everyone else who has had a baby.

I wouldnt have dreamed of issuing a gift list and I'm pregnant with number 2 now and have specifically said I think we should stick to first babies only.

Your friend sounds v grabby

PixieChops · 22/04/2015 21:37

The reason why I provided a list PP wasn't due to me being grabby but because people who wanted to buy gifts didn't know what to get as I was the first person out of all my friends to have a baby. It wasn't anything expensive just bits such as baby toiletries and nappies (provided the size) and like I said it was mentioned many times that gifts were not compulsory and I'd rather just have them around for a gathering.
It's the reason why I'm not having one this time because people will feel the need to bring presents and I don't want them to.

PixieChops · 22/04/2015 21:43

Jesus Christ FloggingMolly it's not like I was demanding expensive items within my "list" it was a few ideas if people wanted to bring a gift. And no I didn't expect people to bring anything. Would you like me to add you to the Facebook group so you can check my "list" and see for yourself that I also said GIFTS ARE NOT COMPULSORY.
I also didn't expect people to pay for an afternoon tea either and instead I put on a buffet along with some champagne which I paid for myself. If you still think I'm being unreasonable then please yourself

Andylion · 22/04/2015 21:52

OP, ignore. Or use Bogeyface's reply.

Pixie you threw yourself a shower? That is unusual.

Now, I don't mind baby showers. I usually pick up a few onesies in varying sizes, several receiving blankets, a few baby washcloths and one nice outfit. I never actually spend much money because I don't have much. Sad

PixieChops · 22/04/2015 21:54

It was at my mothers house and my friend organised for it to be there. I knew about it and provided the food and drinks.

Maki79 · 22/04/2015 22:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the posters request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/04/2015 22:15

I didn't have a baby shower, not because I consider them grabby, but because I considered them old-fashioned. I can remember my mother hosting them for my aunt (mum was the big sister) way back in the 1970s. No gift lists back then though, it was all hand-knitted matinee jackets, mittens and bootees. Less of a shower, more a knitting competition which mum always won with tea and cake.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 23/04/2015 11:28

Oh I hate baby showers! They are pretty boring (let's face it) and so grabby. I recall one I went to where I took along a Sophie the Giraffe as a gift (we all had to present our gifts in turn, in front of the others) and lo and behold, the swathes of expensive gifts with expensive fancy wrapping was just endless. I felt awkward and bored.

MythicalKings · 23/04/2015 11:30

Baby showers are awful.

lynniep · 23/04/2015 11:38

I was invited to one a couple of years ago being held for a friend by some other of her friends that I didn't know.
I went because my friend is lovely and it was a good opportunity to meet up. I found the whole occasion really cringey. Set party games like we were 10 years old. We had to watch her whilst she opened each present one by one and I could see she was feeling really embarrassed about it as well.
We were invited again by the same person for my friends second child next month. I declined. One is too many. Two is ridiculous.

Allwayslookingforanswers · 23/04/2015 11:42

I had a Baby Shower, I didn't organise it, wasn't even aware until closer to the time but was thrilled with it. I took the girls some Champagne to drink as a thank you (they got slightly merry and went out after).

They asked for a contribution from people just to cover food, however everyone chipped in enough that the organiser was able to go to Tesco and Sainsburys and buy loads of lovely baby stuff.

Thats how it should be done, not grabby, just fun and nice.

If you don't want to contribute then just say that you have bought her gift and can't afford anymore? it does sound a bit grabby but I wouldn't blame your friend too much, sounds like the organisers tbh.

Heels99 · 23/04/2015 11:45

You have explained you can't go, I probably wouldn't bother replying to the email asking you to pay for the afternoon tea. Agree it sounds like the organisers not the pregnant friend who may well be mortified about that. I would ignore the shower from here on in as you cannot attend.

Allwayslookingforanswers · 23/04/2015 11:47

if I get lucky with a second pregnancy I am going to stipulate no baby shower but would love a girls afternoon tea trip out, there is a new place open near by.

I wouldn't call it a baby shower to discourage people from feeling like they have to buy gifts. Just a girls outing.

Lnfb85 · 23/04/2015 11:48

I had my baby shower after my baby was born. That way everyone could come round and actually meet my son. Also I requested that IF they felt the need to get a gift that they bring a book. I asked that they either donate an old book of theirs, or try to buy their favourite book as a child. I also asked that they put a personalised message in the book. So it wasn't really about gifts of stuff but building a library of other people's precious memories and everyone getting to see the baby.

I did however recently help throw a surprise baby shower for a friend. I just couldn't resist. It was her first baby and I am not sure how she'd feel after having the baby if she had a surprise party so thought it best before baby came.

Each to their own as regards to opinions on baby showers but no gifts or cash should be mandatory.

TitsUpTime · 23/04/2015 11:50

Babyshowers for a first baby are nice. I know theyre American, cheesy yadda yadda...but I love them. Theyre a nice way for women to gather together and make a bit of a fuss of a friend when she is about to go through a massive life transition.

I dont like gift lists, though. Theyre grabby.

And a shower for second and subsequent babies? Taking the piss.

ChatEnOeuf · 23/04/2015 11:58

I was thrown a baby shower for my first. It was a lovely afternoon; friends, chatter, food and drinks - my sister's idea. I provided food and drinks, she did cakes. I was asked several times if there was a gift list - again, I was the first of my friends to have a baby. There wasn't one, but if people asked directly I'd saw 'you can never have enough nappies/muslins/etc.' Not having one this time around, I have lots of stuff left over, and my pram wheels are still in great shape Hmm.

YANBU to feel that paying for someone else's ticket for afternoon tea when you're not going yourself is a bit much though. A simple reply saying you'd rather get her a personal gift once the baby arrives is perfectly sufficient.

Only1scoop · 23/04/2015 12:01

Bogeys 'sent in error' idea great

Grabsville beyond grabaree if I were the mother to be Id be mortified.

SunnyBaudelaire · 23/04/2015 12:03

contribution to an afternoon tea that you will not be at?
sod that.

LegsOfSteel · 23/04/2015 12:12

I'm surprised baby showers are American. I imagined they would be quite universal. Womenfolk getting together to give advice (and useful gifts) to the young soon-to-be mum.
I just assumed the Americans have kept the tradition going. But it is just less relevant in today's world - we can get advice on the internet etc, women aren't stuck in domestic drudgery so don't need a twee get-together, most things are pretty cheap so we don't need the gifts and maybe women having babies aren't so young and naïve anymore.
I don't have a problem with people having them but don't like going to them myself.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/04/2015 12:33

I don't think they are just American, LegsOfSteel. In Scotland in the 1960's/70's, when I was small enough to be dragged taken along to them by my mum, they seemed to be the norm.

Although the format then was slightly different, I suppose. The ones I remember weren't called a baby shower, though I can't actually remember what they were called TBH. They happened after the baby was born rather than before; whether to ensure those knitted matinee jackets Grin were the right colour (blue/pink), or to not 'tempt fate' Sad I don't know. It wasn't the pamper session it seems to have become, just female relatives and friends with their preschoolers meeting the baby, gifting something for the baby to wear, and sitting around gossiping with tea and cake. Held in the house of the new mother's sister/mother/best friend. All very low key and comforting.

LegsOfSteel · 23/04/2015 12:34

Thinking about the only one I've been to - it was for a New Zealander and I've heard of others for Sth Africans. Maybe baby showers are a 'colony' thing.
Which would make sense - people leaving their support networks in the UK so groups of female friends getting together to impart wisdom.
I think the idea is nice but everything these days can be made 'grabby'

LegsOfSteel · 23/04/2015 12:40

whereyouleftit Yes the one I went to was low key too. But nowadays we generally have more disposable income so going around to someone's house maybe doesn't cut it for some.
So the 'event' has to be an event - cue the champagne, spas, lunch out, more expensive presents etc.
I still think the general idea is nice.

PannaDoll · 23/04/2015 12:55

Was the request for a donation sent to all on an invite list (even though you had declined) as that would be more reasonable than it having been a response to your declining the invitation.

There is a difference between. 'We are all going to chip in for preggo friend's tea as well as our own' to 'I'm sorry you can't make it but would you consider donating to the price of preggo friend's tea?' if you see what I mean.

I arranged a shower for a friend who had a baby in the UK (had no idea it was such a tasteless thing to do on these shores). Her sister (who had had two children) gave me a list of suggested things we could buy her and that she would make good use of which we were grateful for as none of us had a clue at that point about what you needed for babies. Some of us now with children still have no clue ;-)

I think you are over egging the whole 'horror' of the whole thing a bit OP but yeah, it's a bit odd to have a shower for number two.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2015 12:56

In the US they seem really huge, not the few nibbles at home kind of thing, but on par with a posh wedding reception, complete with theme. Probably costs as much too.

PannaDoll · 23/04/2015 13:00

I'm surprised baby showers are American. I imagined they would be quite universal. Womenfolk getting together to give advice (and useful gifts) to the young soon-to-be mum.

They were/are a thing in Australia too and yes, you're right that's more along the lines of what they grew out of. Hand knitted booties and essentials are usually given at the shower then a more showy gift at the birth like a toy or nice outfit.

The 'shower' is more of a get together from my memory growing up.

Swipe left for the next trending thread