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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend says she is addicted to shop-lifting... AIBU to trust her less in general?

66 replies

LilacWine7 · 22/04/2015 10:54

I've known her since we were at primary school.

Last time she came to stay, she said she wanted to talk to me about something 'really bad' that she can't tell anyone else. She told me she regularly shop-lifts (mainly clothes, make-up, costume-jewellery)! She then showed me a dress she'd stolen that morning while we were trying on clothes in a small local boutique! She didn't seem ashamed in any way, more pleased with herself. When I asked how how she managed it without me or anyone else noticing, she seemed really proud and went on to describe her techniques in detail. I was shocked, tried to reason with her (small local businesses suffering etc, the cost to herself if she gets a criminal record). She said she can't stop and doesn't want to, that she's been doing it for years and never been caught. She said its partly the thrill of doing it, partly that she always wants stuff she can't afford.

Now she wants to come and stay again. I want to see her but I'm really uncomfortable about the shop-lifting thing. And I can't help thinking will this addiction also make her want to steal my things too? Should I put my jewellery away, should I hide anything she might take a fancy to? Our guest room is also our storage room, so I keep a lot of my clothes, spare products etc in there. Or AIBU to trust her less?

OP posts:

FishCanFly · 22/04/2015 10:58

I have a friend who is a serial shoplifter. I don't go shopping with her, but i trust her enough -- she wouldn't steal from people. Only supermarkets.

Miggsie · 22/04/2015 11:00

I'd be concerned about her lack of moral compass - who knows what other criminality she doesn't have a problem with?
She also sounds selfish which is another worry if trying to be friends.

maybeIwillmaybeIwont · 22/04/2015 11:00

Never mind your things, although they are important, what will you do if the day she does get caught, and she will one day, you are with her and also get detained as an accomplice?

That's what would really worry me. I think you already know the answer, watch your own things and don't go to the shops with her!

And really, she does need help.

enderwoman · 22/04/2015 11:00

Yanbu!!
I wouldn't go into a shop with her because I'd be nervous about her shoplifting and Id never accept a gift from her just in case she didn't pay for it.

LittleMissRayofHope · 22/04/2015 11:01

YANBU.
I would trust her less.
I might still let her stay but it would definitely change my view and opinion of her.
And I'd be uncomfortable shopping with her now as well

WorraLiberty · 22/04/2015 11:01

I wouldn't trust her in my house at all OP

I would also gently tell her the reason why. Hopefully it might jog her into getting some help.

suzannecanthecan · 22/04/2015 11:02

apart from anything else isnt she a bit daft to tell anyone?

MiddleAgedandConfused · 22/04/2015 11:02

YANBU. Get rid!

derxa · 22/04/2015 11:02

As Worra said

justbatteringon · 22/04/2015 11:02

Probably be ok with your stuff. I had a mild shoplifting problem as a teenager, never stole from small businesses or friends.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2015 11:03

Op I woukdent go shopping with her at all, I wouldent trust her.

MagicMojito · 22/04/2015 11:05

I don't know. If she came to you feeling guilty and wanted help to stop then I'd day yabu however, this doesn't seem to be the case here. It could be a veiled cry for help of course but it sounds more like she's bragging about it.

Yanbu to not trust her. I know I couldn't.

Skiptonlass · 22/04/2015 11:06

You are not being at all unreasonable.

I'd be rethinking my friendship with her to be honest. And I wouldn't have her to stay, lest her kleptomaniac tendencies weren't limited to your local retailers....

kali110 · 22/04/2015 11:07

I don't think she'd steal from you.
Why tell you about this?
Also think she maybe does want help which is why shes confided in you and only you, thinking you're the only one she can trust and wouldn't judge.

WorraLiberty · 22/04/2015 11:08

I don't know if she's bragging about it, or trying to justify an addiction.

Either way, I think she needs help and I wouldn't trust her in my home until she seeks it.

Grapejuicerocks · 22/04/2015 11:08

i don't think I could ever view her in the same light again and I'm sure it would affect our friendship. As magic said, maybe if she found it to be a problem then maybe i could sort of understand, but it seems as if there is no remorse at all.

Dieu · 22/04/2015 11:10

It is wrong, yes, but I'd guess that she keeps her habit separate (in her head at least) from the rest of her world, or the people in it. Are you certain she didn't feel bad? To tell you in such a dramatic fashion sounds like a cry for help to me. By my own admission, I can be pretty judgemental, but I don't think this in itself makes her a bad person. I wouldn't necessarily cut someone off because they had an addiction (to nicked clothes or otherwise).

Icimoi · 22/04/2015 11:38

This is someone who thinks that her right to a thrill outweighs other people's right to earn a living. These days some businesses are operating on the edge and shoplifting can make the difference between surviving and closing down. Do you really feel able to continue to associate with someone who causes that?

Dieu · 22/04/2015 11:42

The other thing is OP is that the best predictor of future behaviour, is past behaviour, so if she's never stolen from you before than she is unlikely to suddenly start.

NeedABumChange · 22/04/2015 11:50

I wouldn't trust her at all. She clearly has no morals.

Also people who "can't help it", kleptomaniacs, steal lots if random things not just the clothes/make up/jewellery that they really want to wear that weekend. She is just a plain old thief and I certainly wouldn't have her in my home nor associate with her.

NeedABumChange · 22/04/2015 11:52

You can't say that dieu most criminals escalate their crimes. They need to do more to get the same buzz. If you start off on penny sweets your probably going to end up stealing family size chocolate bars.

Dieu · 22/04/2015 11:55

They've known each other since primary school though, so it is unlikely that she'd start stealing from an old friend now, if she has no prior form for this. Just my opinion, guess we can't know for sure what goes on in someone's head.

Psipsina · 22/04/2015 12:05

I'm afraid I'd be considering ways to alert the police. I would not be able to trust her again or have her in my house again, and I would not want to be her friend.

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/04/2015 12:43

I would say you're right not to trust her, that urge to steal stuff does not magically stop in the shop doorway. Of course she would steal from you if she saw the opportunity, in fact now you know it might be an even bigger buzz for her. I wouldn't take the risk.

DoraGora · 22/04/2015 12:49

Tell her to join the Territorial Army, if it's an adrenaline rush she's after.

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