Friend says she is addicted to shop-lifting... AIBU to trust her less in general?

[LilacWine7]

I've known her since we were at primary school.

Last time she came to stay, she said she wanted to talk to me about something 'really bad' that she can't tell anyone else. She told me she regularly shop-lifts (mainly clothes, make-up, costume-jewellery)! She then showed me a dress she'd stolen that morning while we were trying on clothes in a small local boutique! She didn't seem ashamed in any way, more pleased with herself. When I asked how how she managed it without me or anyone else noticing, she seemed really proud and went on to describe her techniques in detail. I was shocked, tried to reason with her (small local businesses suffering etc, the cost to herself if she gets a criminal record). She said she can't stop and doesn't want to, that she's been doing it for years and never been caught. She said its partly the thrill of doing it, partly that she always wants stuff she can't afford.

Now she wants to come and stay again. I want to see her but I'm really uncomfortable about the shop-lifting thing. And I can't help thinking will this addiction also make her want to steal my things too? Should I put my jewellery away, should I hide anything she might take a fancy to? Our guest room is also our storage room, so I keep a lot of my clothes, spare products etc in there. Or AIBU to trust her less?

I don't believe she would steal from you OP. She is a shoplifter, not a burglar. I think they are very different (in the minds of shoplifters anyway.)

Also, I think her confession to you is a cry for help, however much it seemed like she was bragging. She introduced it as "something really bad," remember?

I would still welcome her into your home and keep the dialogue about her 'habit' open. Ask her to talk about it, point out the moral difficulties (shops are run by people), and the dangers to herself. Make it clear that you find the behaviour very wrong and you think she has a problem, but that you are her friend and you still like her.

By the way, I used to have an occasional shoplifting habit. I would never have stolen anyone's personal belongings. I do realise both are theft, but psychologically they are not the same thing at all.

You'd be surprised how many people do this. I used to work in a shop and caught many a shoplifter from all walks of life. Pensioners, students, parents with small children, one devout Catholic who told me I would 'burn in hell' for calling the police, one was a midwife whose husband was a police officer!
Whether you feel you can trust her is your judgment but seriously, stop going shopping with her. When she does get caught, as inevitably it's highly likely that she will, there is a chance you would be detained along with her and you really don't want to be caught up her shit like that. I actually hope she does get caught, in the nicest possible way, as she needs something to snap her out of this, and the damage that can be done to small businesses is huge even from one theft.

I had a friend who did this - she thought it was normal as her mum had taught her. Other the this she was very honest and I trusted her and still do.
I made her agree not to do it while I was with her though as I couid have been implicated too.
I don't condone shoplifting I believe it is theft but I was 16 when this happened and it didn't occur to me to report it - I might now but she was my best friend so it was tricky

She is a shoplifter, not a burglar. I think they are very different (in the minds of shoplifters anyway.)

A thief is a thief no matter which way you dress it up. YANBU OP and that would be the end of the friendship for me.

It may be a cry for help, as she told op she had something bad to tell her,and obviously was ashamed as she could not talk to anyone else. I would not go shopping with her, and would urge her to get professional help, GP, and addiction helpline, that kind of thing. If she came round, I would hide my valuables in the loft.

Some immoral acts are illegal, others aren't. How would you feel if she told you she was cheating on her bf of gf, or liked one night stands, or that she took days off sick when she wasn't sick, or regularly speeds in her car if she thinks she can get away with it, or had a drugs habit?

How would you feel if she told you she was cheating on her bf of gf, or liked one night stands, or that she took days off sick when she wasn't sick, or regularly speeds in her car if she thinks she can get away with it, or had a drugs habit?

The thing is though, those acts don't necessarily involve the OP. If she is caught shoplifting whilst out with the OP she is going to be caught up in it and most likely searched and questioned. Her actions will have a direct effect on the OP. Her having an affair or throwing a sickie, not so much.

Why did she tell OP not only that she has a shoplifting habit but indulged it while she was out shopping with her? To impress? To assert her ability to do her 'own thing' ie not be dominated by her friend? To get guilt off her chest? IMO OP's reaction should depend on why her friend told her. Is her friend someone who regularly doesn't realise the possible consequences of her actions on her friends or does she know but not care?

Any of those things would be a deal breaker for me too. I want friends who think the same way, feel the same way, about things that matter.

It would be a non friendship on that basis alone.

it doesn't sound like she'll steal from you.
saying that, i wouldn't leave anything nice or valuable lying around that might tempt her.
i would think less of her for being a thief, though.
her shoplifting sounds like a compulsion.
she could get caught and she'll be mortified when she's arrested, her name is in the newspaper and she finds herself in court.
god love her - there's obviously something wrong with her.

I used to know two semi pro shoplifters - they were best friends, until eventually one stole from the other. Before that though, long before, I bumped into them at Lakeside and ended up shopping with them.

I didn't even notice that they were nicking until a huge burly security guard marched us out of M&S! When we got to the police station they blamed the entire thing on me and said I was some kind of criminal mastermind and had forced them to do it!

Fortunately the police believed me it probably helped that they already had several convictions each and let me go on my merry way after about 8 hours but my parents went spare (I was about 19) and I absolutely never forgave the lying cahs!

I fully believe that a thief is a thief, and wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her in your shoes op.

catthieK that's why op you should not go anywhere near a shop with her.

I personally wouldn't trust her. If you are out with her it will always be a worry that she is going to steal something and get caught, implicating you with her. What if she sneaks something into your bag as a way of getting it! You could find yourself barred from shops by association.

As regards stealing from you, she very likely wouldn't (but may) , but if after a visit you can't find something then you will automatically suspect her.

She will get caught eventually and I wouldn't have any sympathy for her when she does.

YANBU, but could it be compulsive behaviour do you think? I have OCD diagnosed, re hygiene and it got really debilitating after DC1, could stress be triggering her? Just seems weird, she had to confess to you, but says she is getting a thrill from it IYSWIM. Denial is really common, I convinced myself that I was normal and everyone else was just playing fast and loose with their kids health.

I would hesitate to go near any shops with her ever again (unless she seeks help), and would definitely steer clear of High Streets or shopping centres.

There is every chance that she will eventually be caught on CCTV. Even our small local newsagent has it. Big stores in major shopping areas I believe have special teams monitoring customer movements in a control room. If you are in the store anywhere with her, even if not with her at the precise time, and are seen leaving with her later then you too could be implicated as others have said.

It is also perfectly possible that some stores do suspect her, but are needing to gather evidence. Wasn't that what happened to Anthony Worrall Thompson at his local Tesco? He wasn't stopped straight away, but they did observe him for a few weeks to see that it was habitual behaviour rather than a one-off mistake or aberration.

I'd be dropping her like a hot brick. She's just a thief.

3 possible reasons she confessed.

1 - you would have noticed the dress because you had a fair idea what she had come to you with.

2 - she wants to stop - doesn't seem likely.

3 - she wants someone to 'share' her thrills with. That doesn't mean she wants you to shop lift, but she wants to be able to talk about the things she acquired - bragging rights, as it were.

I would guess its no 3, that she wants to be able to 'share' her thrill, and to link you to her far more closely. If it was no 2 she wouldn't have moved from 'guilt' to 'thrill' so fast. The guilt was part of the game to judge your reaction. You didn't freak out and kick her out, so she dropped the guilt and moved onto the thrill. That is moving it up a notch from before.

I'd be ending that friendship. She clearly has no remorse for her actions and no regard for you either stealing from a small shop while staying with you and you were with her. what if she'd been caught there if it's a small shop local to where you live you can bet you'd be tarred with the same brush as her.

I agree with pp she's introduced it as 'something bad' to test the water with you. From your description she sounds proud of herself

I certainly wouldn't want to be friends with someone who had no sense of right or wrong no morals and no shame

What Topseyt said.
High street shops are often all connected to a CCTV control room, and most shops in city centres are now connected to the control room at least via a radio. Information about suspects, offenders, and suspicious behaviour is widely shared. Professionals can often spot a shoplifter a mile off, even if you don't see them actually take anything, you do pick up a sixth sense when you deal with it a lot. It takes one security guard or shopkeeper to spot this, and the next time they see her they'll be on their guard immediately.

It is entirely possible that the net is closing in on her. To be caught and stopped, she needs to be caught in the act and actually leave the shop with goods, but believe me it is a matter of time before this happens.
If the police were called, for a first offence she would likely get a caution and possibly a fine, or a possible arrest, depending on how much she has stolen and how the shop would want to deal with it. For a second offence, she would likely be arrested and charged and then she's looking at court and a criminal record. An offender is then usually barred from the area, for example the town centre, and then whenever they are spotted again in that area, the police will be called and they may be arrested again, just for being there. IME anyway, that's usually how it plays out.

As other pps have suggested, OP I would recommend that you advise she seeks help because at the minute she is playing a game of Russian roulette and it will probably end badly. Even the pros usually get caught eventually.

Nope, sorry. She would not be staying with me, nor unsupervised in my home.

She may not steal from you, but if she stays over and something goes missing (even if you've mislaid it, or sucked it up the hoover without noticing, or whatever) then you will automatically, subconsciously think it was her.

The friendship is over anyway. Ditch.

I'd be rethinking the friendship; not because she's likely to steal from you, but because of the low down scuzziness of what she's doing.

it seems like such a wayward teenager sort of thing to do, and the fact that she seems proud suggests someone who is very naive and lacking in insight.
Doesnt she realise that she has put you in an awkward position, or is it that in the circles she mixes in this is just normal and no big deal.

However you look at it I'd not want to be the sort of person who fits into her circle of friends

It's ok to steal from shops, but not from friends?

No matter how you describe it she's a fucking thief. I would drop her in trouble without a second thought. once a thief, always a thief.
No morals, decency or any other honest bits.
No way would/could I ever be friends with a 'tea-leaf'

I wonder why she wanted to tell you this?

I completely agree with MakeItACider

"3 possible reasons she confessed.

1 - you would have noticed the dress because you had a fair idea what she had come to you with.

2 - she wants to stop - doesn't seem likely.

3 - she wants someone to 'share' her thrills with. That doesn't mean she wants you to shop lift, but she wants to be able to talk about the things she acquired - bragging rights, as it were.

I would guess its no 3, that she wants to be able to 'share' her thrill, and to link you to her far more closely. If it was no 2 she wouldn't have moved from 'guilt' to 'thrill' so fast. The guilt was part of the game to judge your reaction. You didn't freak out and kick her out, so she dropped the guilt and moved onto the thrill. That is moving it up a notch from before.

Why is she asking to come and to stay with you? Presumably you are in different towns, is she getting too well-known in her own town? I guess I'm thinking she wants to visit not to see you, but for shoplifting pastures new. Or to put it another way - she values her shoplifting more than she values you. She is using you. And not just for a fresh hunting ground - I'd hazard a guess that you knowing is giving her a bit of a thrill. Increases the danger - your discomfort (should you go shopping with her) will add to it all.

Don't let her come to stay, and definitely don't be in a shop with her. I would cool the friendship too. Just because you've known her since primary school, it's not compulsory to be her friend.