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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday lunch

62 replies

hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 09:18

Hi all,

FIL is having a birthday lunch (it's a significant number) - all the family are invited. Date and venue agreed, but now one family member can no longer make the date and another date has been proposed. The new date falls on a weekend where I have booked something. It wasn't hugely expensive and I could in theory do one day and not the other, but I want to do both days. I cared enough to book it at the beginning of the year and I've also entered a raffle to do a once-in-a-lifetime thing as part of that event (unlikely to get it, but I won't know until much closer to the event). My husband says I'm being selfish and that the birthday lunch trumps my event. The thing is, I came under pressure to cancel this event last year to do a family thing and I just feel that if it was something 'big' like a festival or sporting event, no one would think anything of it, but because it's fairly small and low-key (but important to me), everything else seems to take precedent.

Background: Inlaws and that side of family very uninvolved in our lives; their work takes precedent over everything.

I'm not feeling hugely happy/loved at the moment so I don't want to be selfish/cause problems over something whilst my perspective might be 'off'.
Thanks so much. I've namechanged, btw. Longterm if sporadic poster.

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 22/04/2015 09:26

Do your event. If the lunch had been on the original date, one person couldn't make it, now its on another date, and you can't. Thats life.

'So sorry, I have a previous engagement, hope you all have a lovely time and I look forward to hearing all about it' should be enough explanation.
Does your dh always expect you to change your plans to suit his wishes?

OhNoNotMyBaby · 22/04/2015 09:29

Ditto. Go to your event. Do not other people determine what you do and when. Like you said OP, you cared enough to book this at the beginning of the year.

Be firm, don't waffle on or excuse yourself, just a brief no as Dibbler ^ says.

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 09:37

Thank you. It's usually first to put date in diary, I often swap with him because I tend to do/ go out a bit more.

OP posts:
Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 09:40

Thanks for posting. It helps.

OP posts:
BoyScout · 22/04/2015 09:43

YANBU at all. Go to your event.

Did the other person book his thing when he already knew the date of the birthday lunch?

Morelikeguidelines · 22/04/2015 09:44

Do your event. They are trying to move the family date to a date you cannot do. Tell them that you want to go to the family meal and can do the date originally planned but unfortunately not the date they wish to move it to.

DH and ILs very unreasonable here.

No way would my DH move an event in the circs you have described and I wouldn't expect him to either. I don't expect I would cancel something of mine in this situation.

I can't see what's wrong with one partner going to a family dinner with children anyway.

nobodyknowswheremyjonnyhasgone · 22/04/2015 09:45

Absolutely go to your event. Its not selfish at all.

Model5 · 22/04/2015 10:01

What did the other person who cancelled have on? I don't understand why it was OK for them to say they couldn't make it but not for you?

Unless your event is something that could easily be moved (rather than cancelled) then you should stick to your original plans and wish FIL a Happy Birthday.

MrsHathaway · 22/04/2015 10:27

If the person who got the move is closer to FIL than you are (eg his sister or daughter) then fair enough.

I think you politely decline and send DH with the DC.

No date will suit everyone.

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 10:56

Other person is closer and it is for a work reason. Happy for partner to take children and go on his own. Am worried it will look bad though, it is a low-key thing but only on once a year.

OP posts:
keepsmiling2015 · 22/04/2015 12:12

Nope it's not your fault the date was changed. You should stick to your arrangement.

PtolemysNeedle · 22/04/2015 12:25

You are not being at all selfish, and your DH is very unreasonable to say that you are. He's just plain wrong.

No offence, but your lack of presence at your fils birthday lunch isn't likely to make that much difference to your fils enjoyment of the day. Whereas you missing out in your event will make a big difference to you, especially if you've already missed out because of family stuff in the past.

Tell your DH you're going to your event, and it's not up for discussion.

I'm wondering if part of his problem might be that he doesn't want to go alone and do all the child sorting stuff on his own?

KERALA1 · 22/04/2015 12:28

Do your event. Say clearly how you were fine with the original date but this one doesn't work for you. Why should your stuff always get trumped by other people's interests?

KERALA1 · 22/04/2015 12:30

Also I speak as someone who sometimes organises stuff for lots of people getting a date is a real headache and sometimes you just have to press on despite some people not being able to come.

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 13:10

Absolutely agree re arranging it being a nightmare. I think it will be taken as a slight. He absolutely won't want to go on his own and do the child sorting stuff!

OP posts:
Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 13:11

It's very useful to hear everyone's thoughts. Thank you. I shall stand my ground.

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 22/04/2015 13:25

He absolutely won't want to go on his own and do the child sorting stuff!

Ha! Thought so. That's the real reason he has the hump isn't it?

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 13:27

Definitely part of it. He does think it will be seen as being rude too.

OP posts:
Totality22 · 22/04/2015 13:28

Out of interest who couldn't make the original date? Someone very significant I imagine?

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 13:35

Absolutely. One of the daughters.

OP posts:
tulipbulbs · 22/04/2015 13:43

was the date presented to you as a done deal or was it a suggested date? Was the discussion on who is available on what date confined to blood relatives? If so, they expect some in-laws to not make it.
It's funny the way the world will come to a halt for example the world cup final, but, I've no interest in soccer and few others bother with a literary event, but it would be very important to me. You have a right to block off time to attend to your main interest.
Can I say if you are feeling unloved, is your husband contributing to it by disregarding your interests on this matter?

TheRealMaryMillington · 22/04/2015 13:47

do your thing
let dh take the kids
send apologies in advance and a card/flowers just from you
do the family as a whole get together often enough that this is not the only chance all year?

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 13:50

A suggested date. Very much expected that everyone attend though. There are other dates around that time we can do, but not close enough to the actual birthday I suspect.

Agree re the kind of event it is. Enough that I had to ask here whether I was BU, whereas if it had been a sporting event I had paid ££ for or a festival which was planned over a weekend, that would have been totally understood.

Not this so much. We've got another issue going on in the background between us.

OP posts:
Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 14:18

This will be the first time I've met a couple of family members. PIL are work obsessed and family fairly spread out, so it's a definite first.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 22/04/2015 14:26

Yanbu. Go to your event.
I imagine him not wanting to look after his dc at the lunch is a big thing, and he's using the 'it's rude' thing as an excuse.
Definitely call him on that.
'Its not rude because I already had other plans. You're just saying that because you do to want the hassle if looking after your own dc at the lunch. Now, that's rude.'