Birthday lunch

[hedgehog01]

Hi all,

FIL is having a birthday lunch (it's a significant number) - all the family are invited. Date and venue agreed, but now one family member can no longer make the date and another date has been proposed. The new date falls on a weekend where I have booked something. It wasn't hugely expensive and I could in theory do one day and not the other, but I want to do both days. I cared enough to book it at the beginning of the year and I've also entered a raffle to do a once-in-a-lifetime thing as part of that event (unlikely to get it, but I won't know until much closer to the event). My husband says I'm being selfish and that the birthday lunch trumps my event. The thing is, I came under pressure to cancel this event last year to do a family thing and I just feel that if it was something 'big' like a festival or sporting event, no one would think anything of it, but because it's fairly small and low-key (but important to me), everything else seems to take precedent.

Background: Inlaws and that side of family very uninvolved in our lives; their work takes precedent over everything.

I'm not feeling hugely happy/loved at the moment so I don't want to be selfish/cause problems over something whilst my perspective might be 'off'.
Thanks so much. I've namechanged, btw. Longterm if sporadic poster.

I'm starting to see it like TheRealMary too.

Difficult, as we don't know the details and absolutely, you are "right" in that you were booked first etc. However, if it's something that you could leave for an hour or two out of a whole weekend, or you could go for a day and a half rather than the full 2 days, then that's what I would do, to support my DH in a family situation that was upsetting him

But my DH deserves that support....

My parents would think it very off if I turned up to such an event with Dc but without DH, so I do understand where DH is coming from.

It's a pretty boring thing for most people, TheRealMaryMillington, just going to look at something I'm interested. For me it's a pretty special thing though.

It's not fragile, he doesn't want to take children on his own and, yes, they won't understand. I'm almost tempted to say 'I'm working'. That's good enough for them and their family. If it's because you're working, that's OK.

I could only go for a day. Travelling time, the logistics of getting to this other place with the kids etc.

I really don't understand why you are downplaying your event. It's important to you, that's good enough. Most hobbies aren't enjoyed by everyone.

I think this comes back to the other thing we have between us. It's very painful at the moment. I feel he's being selfish with regard to the other thing and it's hurting me.

With regard to this event, I also feel that everyone else in the family is putting themselves first, using work as an excuse. His PIL don't need to work all the other dates, it suits them to say so. It's easier than saying 'we want to do this date'. His sister has chosen to work, I understand why. I don't understand why it has to come down to me giving something up.

I'm usually very supportive, very giving, very easy-going and this is not like me. It would look a bit odd him turning up without me. There would be questions asked and repercussions. Normally he would say, 'This is a bit crap. They're being crap about organising it at short notice when everyone is busy. They're lying about not being able to do any other date, but it's their day. It's crap they've changed the date. You do your thing on the Saturday, I'll come along so it's a family day and I'll give you a lift so you can see more of it.' I'd say, 'I hate the way they're lying about dates, that they've asked us about availability last, I hate the way you don't seem able to take your children on your own.' And we'd come to an agreement.

I'm just so sad and so angry about the other thing I can't bring myself to do it. I hate the fact they've now lied about having to work the other dates and I feel they've put me in such a crap position. I hate what my husband called me tonight. I'm a good and loving wife, I work very very hard. I put him and our children first all the time. I do try to hold onto the few things that are important to me, because without them I'm not me.

Balls to that. You were willing and able to make the original date, they rearranged and now you can't go. Tough. DH can go on his own and stop making you feel guilty for your once a year treat for yourself. It doesn't matter whether he thinks it's a worthwhile things to do, it's important to you and you wanted to be able to enjoy it in full, not be under pressure to get there for a certain time or leave after a couple of hours.

If they hadn't changed the date to accommodate this other relative there wouldn't be an issue, so make that point if anyone gets arsey. The other person didn't rearrange their plans to fit in with the original date, so why should you?

You are working, you're working on your happiness and relaxation.
Xx

I get almost no downtime. The nature of my work, trying to be a good mum/wife, blah blah,

There does come a time when putting everyone else before you has to stop, and this may be your time. Other people have got used to you fitting in with them and it can come as a shock to them but maybe they need that shock to stop taking your compliance for granted.

YANBU.

I think for your happiness and peace of mind, you do need to have a full and frank conversation with your DH, setting out how you feel. Or maybe write it in a letter if things are getting heated between you.

Something like...

"I am hurt and confused by (the other thing between you).

I feel like it is getting in the way of us talking sensibly about birthday lunch.

So I am going to try to talk sensibly about birthday lunch.

I am tired and down and need to recharge. Immersing myself in the weekend long event will do that. And just now I really need to do that. The clash of dates is something I wish could be avoided, and I have tried very hard to avoid a clash, but, as is unfortunately often the case, I am the only one trying to do that, and I can't do it on my own.

It is unfortunate that this will lead to repurcussions from ILs and I am sad that that will be a consequence. I wish it could be otherwise, but that behaviour isn't caused by me.

You are very good about how often we see my family, and I really appreciate you doing that. I hope that you see that the amount of time we spend with them is part down to your good attitude and in part down to their good and flexible attitudes. I wish I could build as good a situation as that with your family, but it is difficult to do that when I am the only one trying.

So please understand why I have to go to my event. It is partly because I need to recharge and it is partly because I cannot build a good situation with your family when I am the only one trying.

I do thing we do also need to address the other thing and I think to be in the right place to do that, I need to be able to take some time for me at this event. I don't do this very often, so I hope that you can understand that I only do it when I really need to."

Thanks, Moustache. I think we do.

I remember a very similar thread about a year or so ago...if it is the same op (and even if it's not) definitely go. Why should you lose out on something important to you which has been booked months in advance.