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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday lunch

62 replies

hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 09:18

Hi all,

FIL is having a birthday lunch (it's a significant number) - all the family are invited. Date and venue agreed, but now one family member can no longer make the date and another date has been proposed. The new date falls on a weekend where I have booked something. It wasn't hugely expensive and I could in theory do one day and not the other, but I want to do both days. I cared enough to book it at the beginning of the year and I've also entered a raffle to do a once-in-a-lifetime thing as part of that event (unlikely to get it, but I won't know until much closer to the event). My husband says I'm being selfish and that the birthday lunch trumps my event. The thing is, I came under pressure to cancel this event last year to do a family thing and I just feel that if it was something 'big' like a festival or sporting event, no one would think anything of it, but because it's fairly small and low-key (but important to me), everything else seems to take precedent.

Background: Inlaws and that side of family very uninvolved in our lives; their work takes precedent over everything.

I'm not feeling hugely happy/loved at the moment so I don't want to be selfish/cause problems over something whilst my perspective might be 'off'.
Thanks so much. I've namechanged, btw. Longterm if sporadic poster.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 22/04/2015 14:26

I cant get past the not wanting to sort the kids.

Do they have a special island where these shitty fuckers are bred? His family. His dad. His kids. You cant go. He should take the kids. It shouldnt even warrant a discussion other than his saying "shame you cant make it but am sure X Event will be loads of fun".

nobodyknowswheremyjonnyhasgone · 22/04/2015 14:27

Sympathies op its hard if there are other issues between you as it becomes tit for tat and another thing thrown into the pot.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/04/2015 14:28

Amend to above. Replace rude with selfish. Or whatever words he used.

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 14:48

I genuinely think it's a mix of both things. Thanks for the support. I don't want this other thing to skew my perspective.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 22/04/2015 18:22

As it's a significant birthday, did you not suspect there might be a celebration around it before you booked your event?

That's how things work in my family.

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 18:31

I kept weekend either side of birthday free and booked my event at beginning of year. Original date was fine. They only started planning it a couple of weeks ago.

OP posts:
Eustasiavye · 22/04/2015 19:15

Go to your event.

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 20:21

Yup, so I'm selfish and he's embarrassed to have me as a wife. Nice.

OP posts:
Model5 · 22/04/2015 20:25

This isn't about the lunch at all is it?

Is your event something that takes a lot of time away from the family (you said you're out more than DH) or something he doesn't approve of?

expatinscotland · 22/04/2015 20:32

'Yup, so I'm selfish and he's embarrassed to have me as a wife. Nice.'

'I'm embarrassed I procreated with a person who won't look after his own kids. So hey ho, there you go. I'm going to my event. What you do about this lunch is your own to do.' And then don't engage with him.

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 20:41

I go out, on average, once a fortnight with friends. I tend to have quiet patches where I don't go out for a couple of months, then have bit of a flurry where I've arranged a few things in a run of weeks. I never do anything at weekends that I don't take children along to. He does, I absolutely do not begrudge this in any way. I actively encourage him to go out, but he just doesn't have that many friends and they're all fairly busy with kids. A lot of my friends are still single. I freelance so spend quite a lot of time on my own and need some form of social interaction beyond the odd child-related thing in the week.

My family help us out a lot, his family are uninvolved. He is very good about my family and is happy to spend time with them. As I am with his family, I've always actively encouraged us spending more time with them. I will say that I hit bit of a rocky patch about going to see one of his family members because she is so crap about giving me anything veggie-friendly to eat (posted about plain boiled pasta recently). That is a very recent thing though (I've always been very nice about it, that meal did make me cross though - I've been veggie for years and years and they never make any kind of token effort on that front). He feels he spends a lot of time with my family (we stay with them once/twice a year and they come up to help out/babysit about every three months).

He feels he spends more time with my family and that he is very good about doing so and that I'm being difficult/selfish about this event. I put the date in the diary as soon as I heard about it (had kept other dates free before I knew about it for certain). I had come up with a present idea and had made a mental note what to put the children in (clothes given by inlaws as birthday presents) that would please them.

OP posts:
Pedestriana · 22/04/2015 20:43

YANBU

You knew when the birthday was and kept appropriate time around it free, and were going to be able to attend on the original date. The date has now changed to another, on which you have a commitment. Either the sister misses out or you do, so it really doesn't make much difference in terms of numbers attending.

My MIL had problems similar to this last year. She was trying to organise an event for her (fairly large, and fairly widespread) family. She'd had a bereavement which also impacted other family members, but was determined that the event would take place, as it was something that the person who'd died would be happy to celebrate, IYSWIM. Three people declined the original date, so it was rescheduled to date B. Four people couldn't make date B, so it was then rescheduled to date C. Two people couldn't make date C. In the end, she stuck with date C, but four others then didn't come because a family event was 'too upsetting', following the aforementioned bereavement. MIL being who she is remained calm throughout, but was, as I remember, rather annoyed at having to try to find a date that suited all.

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 20:47

I've suggested another date - in fact we're largely free for most of the month before and after but apparently PIL working every other available date.

OP posts:
Littleturkish · 22/04/2015 20:51

Is looking for another date an option?

I think you are being totally reasonable. It must be very upsetting to be made to feel like your interests aren't important.

PuntasticUsername · 22/04/2015 20:59

YANBU - it was their choice to move it to a date when you have a prior engagement. Clearly you are seen as less important than the daughter for whom the date was changed. So tough. And I'm not much of a fan of the way your DH is coming across here, either.

If you're worried about appearing rude, maybe send a card along saying "sorry I had a clash that has stopped me celebrating with you, but I've told DH and DC to give you some big hugs from me. Have a lovely time" or similar.

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 21:01

They can't do any other date because of work. I think they're being less than truthful, but that doesn't matter. It's their do, their date. There's no reason DH can't go on his own apart from that they will take it a slight and he feels like it's not a 'good enough' reason for me to not go. He doesn't want to go on his own because it will 'look weird' (we do usually do stuff like this as a family) and he doesn't want to tell them why I can't go - that I'd already booked tickets to this low-key event.

OP posts:
Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 21:03

Thank you for all the support. We're not in a great place at the moment (down to one key issue) and I can't really talk about it to anyone else.

OP posts:
DramaQueenofHighCs · 22/04/2015 21:04

Go to your event! It sounds like you'be made every reasonable effort on your part to find a compromise. Your event was 'booked/put in the diary' before the meal was changed/booked and is not (as I understand it) on either weekend closest to the actual birthday.
YANBU your DH (and possibly Inlaws if they do end up complaining) are being unreasonable!! Its not like you're stopping your DH or kids going!! (If he doesn't want to go because he'll be on his own with the kids that's his problem not yours! Plus it's not like he won't have other people there to help with them.)

DramaQueenofHighCs · 22/04/2015 21:08

Who says your inlaws will take it as a slight if you don't go? Do you know this or is DH just telling you they will? When I missed an event with my inlaws (because I had a concert I had booked for) they didn't mind at all because they understood that prior commitments are commitments no matter what they are.

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 21:11

They will. MIL has a good line in bitchy comments as well. Still, I won't see them for a Iong time. DH thinks I will cave in.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/04/2015 21:13

I think YANBU
unless your event is sitting at home playing GtA online as a pre arranged session maybe.

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 21:17

It's something that runs once a year over the weekend. You could do one day or two days, half an hour or spend a full day both days doing it.i wanted to spend whole weekend doing it and had booked it in diary as such.

OP posts:
PuntasticUsername · 22/04/2015 21:22

At the risk of being a score on someone's mn bingo card - it sounds as if you don't have an in law problem, so much as a DH problem.

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 22/04/2015 21:34

You might be right re the DH.

OP posts:
TheRealMaryMillington · 22/04/2015 22:07

I'm so nosy I just want to know what it is.

I get that you want to have the rare opportunity to immerse yourself in something, and you had planned and booked ahead to be able to do that. You are already committed.

But I think, especially if it is a drop in drop out kind of thing then other people are not likely to see it that way, unfortunately.

Is DH's relationship with his parents a bit fragile, does this cause him hurt? Is that a reason why he might want you there as a united front? I'm not saying you should have to change your plans btw