Regarding dd's friends mum

[lollylaughs]

Dd (12) has a friend (B), they are very close and have been best friends for years. B is a very bright girl and always does well in everything she does and has academic awards at school.

Not a stealth boast, (just don't want to drip feed) my dd also does very well academically at school. My dd has been very unwell this year and has lost a lot of school time so is having to catch up a lot of work, so didn't do as well as usual in the term just gone.

Now my dd has a lot of other friends, whereas B really only has my dd as a best friend. So when my dd was absent from school for nearly 5 weeks, B did not cope well, ended up going to her mothers class at break (her mother is a teacher at the school), no-one to hang about with etc. She also had a lot of time off school as would tell the teacher she had stomach ache, would be sent home, and then she would be kept at home for a few days. During the time that B was home ill, she would be messaging dd, and she really did seem fine, not ill with pain like her mum had made out. We did come to the conclusion that she was having stomach aches, headaches etc as a result of stress that dd wasn't there. B's mother did mention it to me that B wasn't coping well with no friends around her.

I had a very ill child to think about, hospital appointments (have another child too so times were very stressful) so admittedly my focus was on my child getting well. We arranged play dates for a quick visit to our house so that B and dd could see one another (dd was unable to walk during this time and tired really easily) as B's mother was very insistent that B needed to see dd, she was worried about her and needed to know that she was ok.

When next term started, B's mother told me that B didn't do very well in academics in term one and that she was furious. As a result she has been punished by not being allowed to do one of her favourite sports. She then said that she didn't have a good term as her friend was so ill, which had distracted her from work, and that her marks were so bad as she had to go home often as she was ill with stomach issues, hence missing out on work. As a result of not getting a certain percentage last term, B is not going to be in the running to the top academic award at the end of the year.

I was bloody furious. My child sustained such a serious injury earlier this year that she was unable to walk, also something else was picked up during the time of the tests which was a complete shock to us, and we had to deal with all of this. Why make my child feel guilty now for her friend not doing as well as she needed to. Its not dd's fault!

Now the girls need to do community service for school in order to obtain points to become a counsellor next year. I know for a fact that B will become counsellor without sufficient points, due to the fact that her mother is a teacher at the school. Since starting at the school B has always had lead role in play, first nominated for librarian, always a monitor in class etc. It is clear as day that from the 10 years that my children have been through this school, that teachers children are always favoured.

I have arranged a place for dd to start volunteering at a shelter next month. Dd must have said something at school today as I have just received a message from B's mother saying "I hear A (my dd) is going to xxxxx on xx June for volunteering. I thought our girls were going to go together, did you put B's name down too?"

I am livid now. Its taken me 4 days to find a place for dd to go as most places do not want to take children under 16 for volunteer work these days. Am i wrong to have not automatically put B's name down too? Why should I have to do all the groundwork and her child get all the glory for it. I haven't replied and I am bloody spitting mad sitting here. I think perhaps I am over-reacting a little with all the backstory of last term, so I am asking you all - AIBU about this?

Gosh. You are cross arent't you? But I really don't see what the friend's mum has done wrong- she's worried about her dd not doing well academically and has shared that with you (are you friends?). And yes, if you agreed that they would volunteer together then you should have put the friend's name down too- why wouldn't you do that?

YANBU. It's not up to you to assume responsibility and volunteer someone else's child. It's important (I'd say) for this child to have the chance to strike out on their own more. Their lack of independence is having a negative impact on their school experience. Few people spend time together after school. She's being set up for a fall if she's not being encouraged to do rather than being punished for a dependency.

Wow sounds like your DD has had a tough time, hope she's doing ok/ better now.
I don't think YABU with this, if she wants her DD to do some volunteering, she should sort it out herself, not automatically assume you've done it for her.

i think you are over involved

My top tip for tricky texts (and emails) is to ignore them altogether or to reply avoiding the key question. Just say 'yes she's looking forward to it. Hope you can sort something for b. x' and leave if at that.

I know exactly where you are coming from and recognised those emotions immediately. We have been in a very similar situation and I have had to bite my lip very hard at times.

My reply after I'd gone through all the things I really wanted to say would be

"No I haven't put x's name down. It took me days to find someone that would take DD and didn't want to jeopardise it by asking for a second place for someone else's child. Feel free to contact them and ask though."

Hak, yes I am angry because her mother has said that the reason for B not doing well at school, is because my dd wasn't at school. My dd is feeling guilty now that B wont be in the running for award end of year.

There was never any discussion about them volunteering together.

Maybe i am over-reacting, but it feels like the wellbeing of her child is being placed on my shoulders because B depends on my dd so much.

Just text back saying that you didn't put B's name down and offer to give her the contact details.

Sorry your DD has had such a rough time.

YANBU, it's not your responsibility to sort her DDs placement, nor is it your DDs fault regarding her friends grades etc.

While its a shame your DDs friend doesn't have other friends, she has to accept they can't do everything together.

Your DD has done nothing wrong and her mother needs to be confronted on why she's projecting what are clearly other issues, onto the fact that your DD wasn't there and as such is somehow responsible for the poor performance of the other child. If this was me, I'd be having a frank and honest conversation about this.

One with your daughter so she doesn't feel guilty and antoehr with the mum to warn her to pack it in.

Why did she think your girls were going together?

as B's mother was very insistent that B needed to see dd, she was worried about her and needed to know that she was ok

Why did you even allow this if your DD was so poorly.

Your word that she is ok, is enough surely.

I think you've been unsupported by this other parent during the time of your DD's serious illness, and she's then tried to load responsibility for her own dd's academic performance on your shoulders as well. Not cool and I don't wonder you're raging, although of course on the face of it this is just a small thing. The straw that broke the donkey's back springs to mind.

Take a deep breath.

I'd reply saying 'no, I didn't. If you want to contact them the number is xxxx' and leave it at that. Don't be drawn into anything else. Her DD is probably really freaking out at having to volunteer on her own, but that is not your circus and not your monkey.

That said, I do feel sorry for the other dd, she's obviously having a tough time and her value to her mother seems to be very bound up in her academic achievements . Could you maybe arrange something nice for the two of them one weekend? It's not her fault.

i would absolutely not take any responsibility for her dd. i'd just nod sympathetically, but nothing more than that. are you sure she was actually trying to blame your dd and not just having a moan?

as for the volunteering, i would reply saying:

yes, it was really hard work getting that placement. if you contact them now they may still have space for your dd.

i absolutely would not take on responsibility or accept that you have any responsibility for her dd. completely ignore her trying to force it on you.

finally, her dd needs to work out that she needs more friends and has to work on that herself. it's a tough lesson and only she can learn it. her mum can't smooth the way for her all the time.

yanbu and i'd feel pretty pissed off too, especially after that awful year.

Why did she think your girls were going together?

I am not sure. I wonder if the girls discussed going somewhere together, which dd didn't mention to me. I am sure she would have told me though. I am also thinking that it may just be assumed from B's mother, she has often teased me about being super organized etc. Ok, I like to be organized, but that's not to say that I am automatically going to organize everyone else too.........

I think you resent feeling pressured into always having to consider B and B's mum, esp as it sounds like B is a bit over-dependent on your DD and B's mum is very keen to maintain the situation as is.

I think that you are getting angry with them because you feel like your DD is being leaned on to excess and that it's not fair on her, esp as she has been ill - I imagine you are feeling protective of your DD and that's turning into anger towards B and B's mum.

YANBU to feel like that, at all, but I think you'd do better to keep a tight rein on the anger and how/if you express it. B's academic achievements or lack thereof are not your responsibility or concern, so don't let that bother you. You weren't under any obligation to put B's name down for counselling - you had a reasonable expectation that B would find a place and frankly she wasn't top of your priorities list. Apologise to B's mum for forgetting and try to move on from it.

I think you're inclined to gently try and reduce the intensity of the friendship (from B's side anyway) and I'd agree that that sounds like a good thing to do.

I sympathise as a friend of mine has a DS who is good friends with my DS and, while I love her, she is very very VERY keen on always calling them best friends and really over-emphasising (IMO) their special friendship. Other friends have mentioned to me that they feel a bit excluded and find it hurtful, in fact I'm trying to manage it by making sure DS sees lots of other kids (they're preschoolers) but I do feel a bit guilty as she is my friend and she just wants her DS to be happy.

As an aside, my inner line would have been drawn here: B's mother was very insistent that B needed to see dd, she was worried about her and needed to know that she was ok. Well B's mum can fuck off - your daughter's health is your priority, not her daughter's!!

You both sound a little over-invested in playground 'glory' to be honest. It also sounds like B doesn't have as many social resources to be able to cope, poor kid!

If I were you, I'd just gently disengage from B's mum. They don't need to do everything together, sounds like it's not really in B's best interests to be so dependent on your DD, and that your DD can cope either way. Might now be a good time to tactfully suggest they do this separately, so they don't get too used to being so dependent on each other? I agree your DD shouldn't be made to feel guilty. That's ridiculous.

YANBU, but you do sound a bit ranty!

It is not your fault or your DD's fault that B became unwell/stressed. If that genuinely was the case, it is up to her mother and the school to deal with. It should not be on your head or your DD's to feel guilty about her response to your DD's absence.

As for the volunteer thing, unless you had agreed beforehand that whoever managed to find a placement would put both girls' names down, its not your place. She needs to deal with her own DD and stop blaming/ putting pressure on your family to fix their problems.

If just reply 'I didn't realise I was supposed to be sorting out placement for them both, details are xxx if you want to contact them'.
And the next time she starts bleating on making you and your daughter feel guilty for something that was out of your control just reply with 'it wasn't the easiest of times for us either'.
She sounds selfish and self absorbed

I would text back what goldmantra said and breath !

It's not your dds fault about anything so I would talk to your dd about her feeling any guilt when it's so miss placed.

B probably did do badly because she was worried about your dd and because she was missing her friend. That's normal, isn't it? No need for your dd to feel bad - are you sure B's mum is blaming her ~~(as a pose to stating a fact).

You have done nothing wrong either but I don't understand why you are so angry. Maybe the girls want to go together, or have talked about going together? Maybe Bassumed or hoped that's what would happen and told her mum?

You sound like you have had a tough time (and your dd obviously) but isn't it good that your dd had a friend who was worried about her, and didn't just forget her the moment she ducked out of sight? Not B's fault that her mum is a bit of a cow.

I also think you both sound a little over invested in playground glory for 12 year olds. They're in secondary school, not doing GCSEs yet, does it really matter if someone else gets the chance to have the top academic awards this year? With regards to the placement I don't think yabu at all, your prime responsibility it to your child, not hers.

Text back what you have said here: Sorry X there never was any discussion about them volunteering together. Community service is something they do on their own.*

*if that is the case in your school like work exp.placements. If they always go off in pairs then it is not unreasonable for her to ask, it is unreasonable to presume. If she is a teacher she should know the importance of regular attendance btwwonder if she got a below 85 letter from school, thought not

I think you and the other mum are in competition and both need to back off and let the girls handle their friendship. You both sound pushy tbh.

Why is everybody telling the OP to provide the details of the volunteer placement to Bs mum?

I wouldn't OP.

This is just another way for her to rely on you and for this relationship to be cemented, albeit not necessarily in the best interests of either child. I would just text and say 'yes I go A a placement, took a lot of effort but we managed it' and leave it at that. Surely your daughter will tell B where the placement is anyway and so the mum could details that way if she wanted. Don't hand them to her, because it looks like you're facilitating their doing this together, which arguably isn't the best for either child.