Regarding dd's friends mum

[lollylaughs]

Dd (12) has a friend (B), they are very close and have been best friends for years. B is a very bright girl and always does well in everything she does and has academic awards at school.

Not a stealth boast, (just don't want to drip feed) my dd also does very well academically at school. My dd has been very unwell this year and has lost a lot of school time so is having to catch up a lot of work, so didn't do as well as usual in the term just gone.

Now my dd has a lot of other friends, whereas B really only has my dd as a best friend. So when my dd was absent from school for nearly 5 weeks, B did not cope well, ended up going to her mothers class at break (her mother is a teacher at the school), no-one to hang about with etc. She also had a lot of time off school as would tell the teacher she had stomach ache, would be sent home, and then she would be kept at home for a few days. During the time that B was home ill, she would be messaging dd, and she really did seem fine, not ill with pain like her mum had made out. We did come to the conclusion that she was having stomach aches, headaches etc as a result of stress that dd wasn't there. B's mother did mention it to me that B wasn't coping well with no friends around her.

I had a very ill child to think about, hospital appointments (have another child too so times were very stressful) so admittedly my focus was on my child getting well. We arranged play dates for a quick visit to our house so that B and dd could see one another (dd was unable to walk during this time and tired really easily) as B's mother was very insistent that B needed to see dd, she was worried about her and needed to know that she was ok.

When next term started, B's mother told me that B didn't do very well in academics in term one and that she was furious. As a result she has been punished by not being allowed to do one of her favourite sports. She then said that she didn't have a good term as her friend was so ill, which had distracted her from work, and that her marks were so bad as she had to go home often as she was ill with stomach issues, hence missing out on work. As a result of not getting a certain percentage last term, B is not going to be in the running to the top academic award at the end of the year.

I was bloody furious. My child sustained such a serious injury earlier this year that she was unable to walk, also something else was picked up during the time of the tests which was a complete shock to us, and we had to deal with all of this. Why make my child feel guilty now for her friend not doing as well as she needed to. Its not dd's fault!

Now the girls need to do community service for school in order to obtain points to become a counsellor next year. I know for a fact that B will become counsellor without sufficient points, due to the fact that her mother is a teacher at the school. Since starting at the school B has always had lead role in play, first nominated for librarian, always a monitor in class etc. It is clear as day that from the 10 years that my children have been through this school, that teachers children are always favoured.

I have arranged a place for dd to start volunteering at a shelter next month. Dd must have said something at school today as I have just received a message from B's mother saying "I hear A (my dd) is going to xxxxx on xx June for volunteering. I thought our girls were going to go together, did you put B's name down too?"

I am livid now. Its taken me 4 days to find a place for dd to go as most places do not want to take children under 16 for volunteer work these days. Am i wrong to have not automatically put B's name down too? Why should I have to do all the groundwork and her child get all the glory for it. I haven't replied and I am bloody spitting mad sitting here. I think perhaps I am over-reacting a little with all the backstory of last term, so I am asking you all - AIBU about this?

could find details

I have been there, got the t-shirt - recognise the emotions.

There is a lot of over involvement going on, and you will just be sucked in. You have already had enough to put up with, and your DD needs time to catch up on her independence after her illness.

Do what choco says:

Just text back saying that you didn't put B's name down and offer to give her the contact details.

as this is factual and has no emotional loading.

The step back, right back. Detach. If your paths cross, stay pleasant polite, do not get involved, smile and nod and empathise, then find an excuse to move on or someone else that needs your urgent attention.

FWIW, my dd still sees the girl involved at 21 - they sorted their own relationship out.

text back and say that b is a lovely girl and a lovely friend to your dd but this is getting silly. That your dd being ill is not a reason for her dd dropping grades and youre not happy that this is even being suggested. You didn't organise her dds volunteer placement as why would you?

I think I will text back as Gold suggests.

Thanks all for the comments, the girls are still in primary, our schooling is a little different here. It does matter to B's mother that she obtain academic awards Forago, not to me though, the important thing to me is that dd is on the road to recovery now after a very stressful time. B's mother has always pushed B, I feel for her as she is a very pressurized girl. As the separation anxiety is now known about, if it were the other way round, I would be trying to deal with that instead.

I think you are over reacting. The other mother said why her dd didn't do too well, it doesn't sound as though she is blaming your daughter.

Presumably you only let the other girl visit because you though your dd would be OK? The other girl is hardly being unreasonable caring about her friend (though it sounds to me as though she was bunking off on the back of it).

If you keep blowing this out of proportion, your dd is going to feel guilty towards both her friend and to you.

Sounds like B's mother is ignoring some pretty big problems of B. Being stressed about A is one thing, to the point of missing school is another. B is dependent on both her mother's influence and A's hand holding to appear to do well. I think she wasn't missing A, she was missing that they probably work together a lot. A may have never noticed how much working together was really B agreeing that A's answer must be right, and copying it. B may not noticed either, she is just a child who fell into a habit, not a sneaky cheat! But it may be that her tummy aches were the stress of being unable to do her work without A at her side rather than simply missing having A at her side.

The situation that might have come to a head at secondary school, but It would have seemed like A was rejecting B in favor of new friends and interests. Kind of better that it has already been revealed as there might be a chance of resolving it without either girl blaming the other.

Can you talk to the head, (leaving out the teacher's kid favoritism, head is either blind to it or complicit) about your daughter feeling pressured by such a dependent friend and the friend needing the school's support to solve her own bad grades problem? Next years teachers should know to make a point of not letting them sit too near, or be on the same team for projects.

Can you talk to your GP about how to lead your daughter through this? Maybe some counseling is available for her as part of the overall care for her very hard year. Maybe some counseling for you because of all of it.

How down is the OP now suddenly responsible for organising volunteer work for B?

I think it might be a good idea to gently mention to B's mother that it might be better for B to do the placement elsewhere as she seems to be very dependent on your DD - not sure how that would go down, but allowing her to continue leaning on your DD won't do her any favours.

I remember a girl like this in school, and the dependence and hero-worship she felt for another girl was at the point that it was almost like a disability.

( BarbarianMum - it's "as opposed to", not "as a pose to". Sorry, I just can't help it. I'm a pedantic nerd. )

That level of dependancy is unhealthy for both girls. I'd be discussing that as a matter of urgency with B's Mum, never mind her placement nonsense.

WhitePhantom - is it really? Don't want to think how many times I've got that wrong, then. Thanks

If there was no talk of volunteering together then I don't think you should offer to ask or even give details to Bs mum. It would probably be more beneficial for B to go out and do things for herself without your daughter.

I'd text back, 'sorry but I can't remember talking about them volunteering together, I hope B gets sorted soon with hers.'

It's not your fault she thinks you're so organised.

Momagain I never thought of that, they work together a lot. The class is initially seated alphabetically and our surnames begin with same letter. There is shuffling of places by teacher during the year, but if the pair sitting together from the start pair up well, then they stay together pretty much all the time. As a matter of fact, A told me yesterday that B cried in class as she was moved away to sit on the other side away from where A sits. I think this teacher has seen a pattern of behaviour (the term has recently started again after Easter and dd has only just returned to school) Its not normal behaviour for a 12 year old to cry about that is it? Well I don't think it is....

Lolly it seems as though this other child is struggling academically, in as much as she has become very reliant on your DD for support to complete the work, or indeed to simply provide her with the answers.

The teacher must have spotted something and is in all likelihood attempting to do the right thing.

Its not normal behaviour for a 12 year old to cry about that is it?

It absolutely is not.

How does your DD feel about this relationship?

If she's currently happy and you're sure it isn't having a negative impact on her that's OK but the minute you feel she is under undue pressure to support this girl at her own expense or is finding it restricts her ability to form other friendships, you need to contact the school and ask them to intervene.

I've seen my DD1 move from a friendship like this last year to a much healthier membership of a wider friendship group this year and it has had an enormous positive impact on her. She is in sixth form and older than your DD but even the staff have commented that she has blossomed away from the pressure of her old friendship.

Crying because her friend is not beside her really is worrying at that age. She is very very dependent on your DD, far too much.

An a pp is quite likely right then that your DD's work is also keeping B's grades up - and B needs good grades to get her mother's approval. The poor child, on both fronts

[BM you're welcome. I never know whether to point out stuff like that or not. I usually don't because people get very offended, but I was feeling brave . I love being told if I get something like that wrong, but then I'm a big nerd )

The bit I got from your op was this:

B's mother told me that B didn't do very well in academics in term one and that she was furious. [my bold]

I'm not sure why your DD would even be involved in that?

It sounds like the girls are very close and look out for each other and neither has coped well with your dd being ill which is totally understandable for all the reasons you have given.

I think a bit of empathy and sympathy is needed and to remember that at 12 years old most children don't have the emotional maturity or resilience to appreciate that their friend might need a bit of space.

Hope your dd does well and it all works out ok

You and B's mother both sound massively over-involved. Frankly it's no wonder poor B is so neurotic already that she's developing physical stress symptoms.

It's not my dd's fault!!. Nobody appears to be suggesting it is

As regards the crying, well she's 12 (hormone soup) and has an unsupportive and pushy mother and her friend's been very ill.

I can understand why she might be tearful.

I can also understand that your primary concern is for your daughter.

I also think you're too all overly involved and at 12 they need to start to find their own feet a bit with some support and understanding where needed.

This all sounds very familiar...As they hit teenage years they will either sort it themselves or drift apart.
Similar happened to me and a friend at school but my friend had health issues and I was expected to look after her.. I was left out of the loop though on what the problems were until friend had an epileptic fit and I was left by teachers in the toilets with her because they thought she was attention seeking!
We were placed together all through middle school, I struggled to shake her off and we began falling out because I began to find it stifling until we went to senior school and were placed in different classes..she had a tantrum because we were separated. The school didn't give in..she found other friends..so did I.

Yes, poor B really needs help, let's hope the classroom teacher has time left to define the problem and set help in motion.

(a&B are still in primary: are you in Scotland?)

Oh and Op...I think I would have been tempted but chickened out to text 'well it isn't necessary for your DD, she will get councellor anyway as 'golden teachers child'

inner bitch comes out

Did you speak to the other mother about arranging for both girls to do placements together? If so it's a bit more awkward.

I would say that you found it difficult organising one placement for DD, so didn't want to risk asking for two. I would add that you feel it better if they did some things apart to lessen the risk of them becoming joined at the hip and b'sgrades suffering if they're separated again.

I've met Mothers like the one you describe, who seem hell bent on sticking their child to her "best friend". You need to be firm with this Mother and set some boundaries, regardless of her being a teacher at the school, do not roll over. I've found that intense friendship rarely run the course and tend to fizzle out, but until they do naturally end, there can be a lot of drama and agro, usually instigated by a parent. So if I were you, I'd also be encouraging my daughter to spend time with her other friendship groups.