Regarding dd's friends mum

[lollylaughs]

Dd (12) has a friend (B), they are very close and have been best friends for years. B is a very bright girl and always does well in everything she does and has academic awards at school.

Not a stealth boast, (just don't want to drip feed) my dd also does very well academically at school. My dd has been very unwell this year and has lost a lot of school time so is having to catch up a lot of work, so didn't do as well as usual in the term just gone.

Now my dd has a lot of other friends, whereas B really only has my dd as a best friend. So when my dd was absent from school for nearly 5 weeks, B did not cope well, ended up going to her mothers class at break (her mother is a teacher at the school), no-one to hang about with etc. She also had a lot of time off school as would tell the teacher she had stomach ache, would be sent home, and then she would be kept at home for a few days. During the time that B was home ill, she would be messaging dd, and she really did seem fine, not ill with pain like her mum had made out. We did come to the conclusion that she was having stomach aches, headaches etc as a result of stress that dd wasn't there. B's mother did mention it to me that B wasn't coping well with no friends around her.

I had a very ill child to think about, hospital appointments (have another child too so times were very stressful) so admittedly my focus was on my child getting well. We arranged play dates for a quick visit to our house so that B and dd could see one another (dd was unable to walk during this time and tired really easily) as B's mother was very insistent that B needed to see dd, she was worried about her and needed to know that she was ok.

When next term started, B's mother told me that B didn't do very well in academics in term one and that she was furious. As a result she has been punished by not being allowed to do one of her favourite sports. She then said that she didn't have a good term as her friend was so ill, which had distracted her from work, and that her marks were so bad as she had to go home often as she was ill with stomach issues, hence missing out on work. As a result of not getting a certain percentage last term, B is not going to be in the running to the top academic award at the end of the year.

I was bloody furious. My child sustained such a serious injury earlier this year that she was unable to walk, also something else was picked up during the time of the tests which was a complete shock to us, and we had to deal with all of this. Why make my child feel guilty now for her friend not doing as well as she needed to. Its not dd's fault!

Now the girls need to do community service for school in order to obtain points to become a counsellor next year. I know for a fact that B will become counsellor without sufficient points, due to the fact that her mother is a teacher at the school. Since starting at the school B has always had lead role in play, first nominated for librarian, always a monitor in class etc. It is clear as day that from the 10 years that my children have been through this school, that teachers children are always favoured.

I have arranged a place for dd to start volunteering at a shelter next month. Dd must have said something at school today as I have just received a message from B's mother saying "I hear A (my dd) is going to xxxxx on xx June for volunteering. I thought our girls were going to go together, did you put B's name down too?"

I am livid now. Its taken me 4 days to find a place for dd to go as most places do not want to take children under 16 for volunteer work these days. Am i wrong to have not automatically put B's name down too? Why should I have to do all the groundwork and her child get all the glory for it. I haven't replied and I am bloody spitting mad sitting here. I think perhaps I am over-reacting a little with all the backstory of last term, so I am asking you all - AIBU about this?

The girl's mum sounds like she is emotionally damaging her daughter, poor kid. Try not to feed into it, this is all very unhealthy imho

Momagain No we aren't in the UK. Our schooling is quite different, primary until age 13 then high school. Our year starts in January to November, so next year will be their final year at primary.

Thank you for everyone who has posted. A lot of food for thought.

Sounds as though the mother does the whip cracking to ensure achievement, and your DD is expected to do all the nurturing of this girl. Which is sad and dysfunctional, plus your daughter has her own life to live. Do beware of your daughter feeling trapped and presasurised into giving a level of emotional support to her best friend that she is really too young to cope with.

It makes me wonder if child B is copying off your DD, as she does so badly when DD is absent. I might be reading too much into it though.

Will B's mother be teaching your DD at any point in the future? Or can you afford to burn that particular leech bridge?

That's another issue Plain. Yes she will be teaching my dd next year. She will most likely be in her form class as they are streamed and she teaches top stream, plus she will teach her two other subjects.....

Bother! That is quite a can of worms to look forward to.

Since the current class teacher seems to be getting the picture, could you have a word with her about how things are going in general?

Hopefully, the issues will resolve before next school year, with a bit of encouragement.

YANBU at all, it is sounding like the mum and her dd are relying heavily upon you and your dd which is not fair. I personally would distance myself from them. No op did not mention they were volunteering together, she was looking for her dd to volunteer on her own, why should she think about B. Her child comes first. They sound like bloody hard work.

It seems that B is very reliant on OP's DD, but I haven't read anything to suggest that this bothers OP's DD or that she wants to extricate herself from the friendship. If she's happy with it - or was until she started picking up on her mum's negative vibes - why is everyone hell bent on separating them?

TBH all this mother has done wrong is put her DD's poor academic performance this term down to her best friend being out of school, and assume that they'd be volunteering together (possibly because the girls had discussed this).

It sounds like B struggles to make friends and values this particular friend very much. I'm not saying that's particularly healthy for her, but understandable surely and we are talking about a little girl of 12.

I disagree nequidnimis, I think the Mothers first mistake was allowing her daughter to be off school simply because her friend was.No way would I allow this, yes it can be isolating when you do not have your friend by your side, but life's a bitch and the sooner you learn to only rely on yourself, the better. The next incident, is the visiting when the girl was very ill, I'm unclear regarding whether they were invited or imposed on the family, but anyway the poster does not sound happy about it.Another overstepping the mark was the academic reference and the volunteering was the final straw that broke the camels back.Also bear in mind this is a popular child, who has other friend options, I can't imagine it is easy for her to mix with her other friends without upsetting this girl. I agree they are both young,but it needs sorting out, especially considering they will be moving onto Secondary soon. I think the teacher Mother should be trying to raise her daughters confidence and self esteem and be encouraging her to be involved in lots of activities, instead of clinging to this one child.

You are definitely NBU about the volunteering. I would also cool off this friendship. She sounds very needy and demanding of your dd.

Aww I just can't help feeling sorry for B and imagining her mum posting here for advice.

I expect she'd say that her DD has a lovely friend who she's missed terribly this term, loyally visited and planned to do some volunteer work with.

I'm going to reserve sympathy for her rather than the popular girl who's trying to shake her off I think (well her mother is, the DD appears to be perfectly happy with the close friendship as far as we're aware).

it's worth exploring other options. as you say, they are children, and OPs child is not in a position to understand the harm to herself that can come from being depended on too heavily by a child who doesn't seem to be encouraged to support herself. OP says her daughter is feeling the pressure of this girls neediness, now she is recovering and struggling to catch up herself. If the other girl was so missing her friend, her family should have been seeking to help her deal with that in better ways than letting her bunk off school and drop her own grades due to missing classes and not catching up her work.

My own mother would have responded to initiial dismay at friends illness with the advice that I had to work hard in order to help my friend catch up when she returned. If I had continued with vague tummy aches she would have involved the full force of the GP's office. and when blood, urine and other tests basically revealed I was stressed at best and malingering at worst, she would have dealt with that. this mother seems to have just kept her daughter home and encouraged her to refine a role of depression and dependent piteousness. She seems to have helped her child be weaker and more dependent, rather than the opposite.

and yet, now she demands good grades from her now that her friend is available again. why wasnt she dealing with that before?

I would expect a 12yr old to be finding her own volunteer placement and a parent to just confirm everything with placement after but your Dd should have done all the research and contacting places.

B's mum seems to want a lot of control over you and your daughter. I think at that age she should be stepping back and letting them get on with negotiating their own friendship. I hope your daughter doesn't feel any pressure to either keep up the friendship or exclude other friends to concentrate on B.

I think how I dealt with it would depend on whether B was shy or socially awkward in some way that meant she didn't make friends easily or whether I thought she was trying to keep my daughter to herself in a possessive manner. When your daughter goes to high school there is no guaranteeing they will be in the same form or remain friends.

I would expect a 12yr old to be finding her own volunteer placement and a parent to just confirm everything with placement after but your Dd should have done all the research and contacting places.

and no doubt by the age of thirteen they should be doing all their own cooking, washing and ironing and walking five miles to the shops and back every day to buy their own food.

How is any of this relevant to the OP's question?

I don't think its a healthy relationship and for me I'd maybe try to encourage the A&B pair to widen out into a bigger group.

Is there another school pal who could be included for a sleep over / trip to the movies to try and help B make at least one more friend?
If it works this might take the pressure off your dd a bit and dilute the effect. If there is no progress by trying this with 3rd /4th child you have your answer - B is selfish and posessive of A.

My sister had a mate like this - sis is good looking, clever and funny, made friends easily and achieved her goals but a heart of gold and bit too easy going. In a very passive aggressive way her mate practically ruled her life until at 18 my sis escaped to college. Drove my mother mad. Sadly having been used to being dictated to for so long my sis went on to a disaster of a marriage where guess what she was manipulated and ruled be another PA person. It's only now in her 30's my sis is really standing up for herself and making her own decisions in life.

Do we know for sure that B was kept off school due simply to missing OP's dd then?

Because if OP's dd was off school for five weeks this surely must be guesswork, gossip or rumour?

I can't imagine a teacher, particularly one with high expectations, allowing her dd to do that, and she may therefore be of the opinion that her dd was genuinely ill, and that may actually be true.

In a very passive aggressive way her mate practically ruled her life until at 18 my sis escaped to college.

I had the shocking experience of taking my DD and the girl who was doing this to her to a university open day last year. I couldn't believe how the other girl behaved and how anxious my DD was to appease her, despite being treated with very little respect and no consideration whatsoever.

The crunch came for me when, on the way home and stuck in a traffic jam, this 17YO sat in the car moaning about being bored which resulted in my DD jumping through hoops, almost literally, to find ways to entertain her and cheer her up.

When we got home I sat DD down and asked her how healthy she felt her friendship was. This was the beginning of her walking away from the friendship which resulted in tears and tantrums like you wouldn't believe. Luckily the school staff supported DD and, after a couple of wobbles, she soon found her new group of lovely friends who have been the making of her.

OP, maybe you should consider having a similar, age appropriate, conversation with your DD in the hope that things can have changed and settled down a bit before this girl's mother is in too much of a position of power over her.

It's not hard to see why B has no other friends, sadly. In an ideal world her mother would have encouraged her to take the opportunity to make other friends while your DD was off. It's not healthy, or fair on your DD, to be that reliant on here.

I have sort of been B, in that I had very few friends during GCSEs and would end up alone and stressed if they were off. But that was still to do with me, not their 'fault'.

Needabum Not that finding the placement is really the issue here, but where we are, it is not as simple as phoning up a charity shop for a retirement home and asking to do volunteer work there. Not many places are willing to take on the responsibility of a younger child whilst they are doing their hours there. The place that A has, was difficult to come by and I only got the place for her via another friend who has a contact there. It isn't an avenue I have researched before in all honesty, but I was quite surprized how difficult it is to get somewhere where they are able to go. I will be honest and say that B doesn't need to do the placement. She will become counsellor whether she does it or not. Yes its unfair, but that is how it is.

Nequid I do feel very sorry for B. She is a lovely child, and I am not wanting A & B to break off their friendship. I would not describe her as social awkward, she is a bubbly child. I think that possibly the limited friendships in school is due to the fact that her mother teaches there. She is very stern and the schoolkids are scared of her. But she teaches the seniors of the school, so has to be that way I suppose or the kids will take advantage in class. I just don't like pressure that has been put on A, and it seems to be for their benefit, and not for A's.

The visit whilst ill was their idea. Yes B was missing A and vice versa. I declined the visit 3 times. A was not doing well and in a lot of pain (she was in an accident and damaged her spine and hips. Its been a long road since the accident, mentally as well as physically). She kept contacting me and eventually i agreed to them coming over for an hour just to let her lay off a bit. The visit then turned into 3 hours which included B then having to come to the physio with us, as her mother did not collect her in time............ I am also under the impression that B's mother wanted to see A for herself, I honestly got the impression that she thought I was exaggerated how unwell A was.

The crunch is going to come the year after next, when she starts high school where her mother will not be there, and cannot oversee every little thing that happens during the school day. B often forgets her books, stationery etc. She goes to her mother and at break her mother goes home to fetch it. No-one else in the class can do this, they aren't allowed to call parents to bring forgotten items (except medication), so A is always anal about packing her bag making sure she has everything. B isn't as she knows she doesn't have to be, as her mother will be sure to sort it out. Same with lunch forgotten, her mother will give her money at break in this instance to buy lunch. I don't feel I should be the one to be telling B's mother she shouldn't as it isn't helping B in the long run.

I have thought about this situation with all the posts and comments made, and I think I will take a back seat. The get togethers, sleep overs, movies are always at our house - and as much as dd needs her friend, I do feel we are being used. Their house is much busier than ours, dd doesn't like to go there as much as they have 4 dogs that sit all over you when you go there (A has allergy) and B is given a lot of responsibility for caring for her younger brother - so she likes to come here as we have a far more peaceful house, as B puts it.

Sorry this turned out long. I couldn't put every bit of info in the original post so wasn't intending on dripfeeding.

Nequid: we know that B never seems to have received any sort of diagnosis or treatment of her stomach pains. She was kept home and spent the time texting A.

And teachers can be as blind as any other parent. Blinder, even.

B's mum is completely ignoring the real issue here, that her Dd needs support and help

I'm glad your dd is on the mend OP.