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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel really, really awkward at toddler groups?

59 replies

luxywoop13 · 21/04/2015 08:36

I live in an area that is basically really middle class, I'm not. That's fine everyone isn't posh or anything but pretty much most mum's are older mum's, also fine obviously but they don't seem to want to talk to me? I went to one for the first time in ages recently and I'd say they were mostly all 40ish and no one under 30 and pretty well off and I just felt like a massive chav (I'm not) got.a few judges looks probably just cause I was new but I had ds at 21 not 12! That's a pretty normal age in most places but whenever I go I feel really awkward and different. I'm super shy as it is likely, but I always end up feeling bad about myself, one woman.was trying to teach her baby how to draw triangles or something and.I was just trying to stop my 1 year old.from breaking everything. Everyone was speaking in really over the top voices.to their kids I didn't even know.people did that, it's literally like they are all sort of perfect parent material or something

OP posts:

Ihavealwaysbeenastorm · 21/04/2015 08:39

I would avoid that particular group they sound awful!
Maybe ask your hv if she knows of any other groups that you could try?

Original poster

luxywoop13 · 21/04/2015 08:43

Good idea my health visitor is lovely she might have some suggestions.
Yeah I'll definitely be avoiding that group again, everyone was talking to their children like cbeebies presenters it was just very strange to me!

OP posts:

MustBeLoopy390 · 21/04/2015 08:47

Yanbu, I avoid groups because here they are very cliquey, and it's either the middle class mums or the lower class mums and I'm often rejected by both groups. I don't see the point in sitting on my own with dc in a child centre, possibly for a charge when I can do it at home, for free. I hope you find a group you're comfortable with

PisforPeter · 21/04/2015 08:54

'Lower class mums'

ClumsyNinja · 21/04/2015 08:56

Most first time mums, regardless of age, feel anxious and judged when they go to play groups, nursery or school. You can have been a CEO of a major company but outside your comfort zone can be a very scary and intimidating place. You see other mums chatting away and assume they're super confident and sorted but they were probably like you the first time they took their DC there.

How many mums did you try to engage in conversation? The best way to make lots of friends is ALWAYS to make the effort first. Smile, say hello and ask about their child etc. don't feel put off but just keep going. If you really feel like it's not the place for you, try other playgroups. Small local ones can be great for getting to know people. If someone seems friendly, invite them to meet you for a coffee with their little one. As the weather is getting better, if you feel anxious about inviting people to your house, arrange to meet at the local park so the children can play together. Don't let your anxiety spoil the potential for lifelong friendships.

I used to help run a local village playgroup and I must admit it is very successful. We had teenage mums, mums in their forties, dads, grannies etc. We had a rota system for setting it up etc. but more importantly, whoever was on the rota for that session was responsible for introducing new members to everyone and helping them to settle in.

We even had a granny come along who was one of the original founders of the playgroup many years previously when she was a young mum. She was so pleased that it was still running strong.

Theoldcauliflower · 21/04/2015 08:56

Omg I could of written this myself , the same thing happened at school. In the end I didn't go to the mother/ toddler group coz I just didn't fit in. I was also a single parent and on benefits at the time, they all just looked down their noses at me. It was really uncomfortable! I ended up going to sure start, is there one in your area? They gave me loads of info about groups, some coffee mornings and craft sessions , there were loads more mums my age and it was great!

MustBeLoopy390 · 21/04/2015 08:58

P there was no other way to put it without being offensive.

PisforPeter · 21/04/2015 09:02

Fair enough Loopy. I just try not to stratify as upper, middle, lower. We are all Mums & ultimately face many of the same challenges.

Mrsjayy · 21/04/2015 09:05

I had my first child at 21 i didnt lke the baby group where i live i dont know if it was my insecurity or they were cliquey but i felt uncomfy and unwelcomed i used to take her to storytime and another group it was more child centred and i didnt feel out of place it was much better when dd went to playgroups the parents (and grans) were friendlier and i was more relaxed

Only1scoop · 21/04/2015 09:07

Makes me chuckle that there is suddenly a huge influx of 'middle class mums' In actual term I would wonder if any one of them was actually 'middle class' it gets bounded around these days ....

Op that group sounds nauseous I would avoid in future.

MustBeLoopy390 · 21/04/2015 09:10

P we do face the same kinds of challenges, but to me there is a stratification for me to sit in a room and be sneered at for being young by one group or sneered at for bf, cloth nappies and baby wearing by the other.

Original poster

luxywoop13 · 21/04/2015 09:11

I'm worried that people are going to be thinking "lower class mum" about me!! I also don't seem to have a very good filter so I can't do the whole pretending to be an amazing parent thing very well at all

OP posts:

Original poster

luxywoop13 · 21/04/2015 09:16

I don't sneer at anybody though! Why do people seem to care so much what others do? I don't care if someone wants to use cloth nappies I mean the fact that there are people who care what other people's babies poo in is insane isn't it? No one can win can they?

OP posts:

Leviticus · 21/04/2015 09:16

TBH it sounds like you walked in there, made a quick judgement about the entire room without actually talking to anyone and now you're arguing to us that the fault was with them rather than you.

Just because someone is a little older than you and speaks differently does not mean they are looking down on you. You feeling like they must think you're a chav is your own issue - honestly.

YABU. And a bit paranoid.

Mrsjayy · 21/04/2015 09:17

Just concentrate on your baby i know you feel awkward but find somewhere else to take him so you dont feel pressure .

FoulsomeAndMaggotwise · 21/04/2015 09:20

I used to live in highgate where the mums were just like this, but once you got to know them they were all really lovely. There was one woman there who was very different, much younger, lower income, not married, but she was pretty much the centre of the group and very well liked by all the older, richer mums.

I'd say, try not to judge them (like you're imagining they're judging you), and just see how you go. If you continue to hate it then find another group.

Original poster

luxywoop13 · 21/04/2015 09:23

I didn't make a quick judgment, i didnt say they were all horrible and I did try talking to people, it felt to me like a very judgemental atmosphere (not specifically towards me) and because I was basically poorer and younger than most I felt really awkward, which yeah is probably my issue but it is hard and takes more confidence than I clearly have to feel equal when everyone in the room seems (of course I don't know) to be doing a much better job of life/parenting than you

OP posts:

NutellaOnCrumpets · 21/04/2015 09:24

All I can say is I wish you had been at my toddler groups! I always felt so awkward at them, and the breastfeeding support groups and tumbletots. I was 18 when I had my ds so even younger than you. I made no friends, when toddler group was over most of the mums used to go off in pairs or threes to each others houses and I'd wander back home in tears, feeling awful brings out violin

These days it seems much better now people have Facebook where you can organise meet-ups and see other groups etc in your area, have a look on there. Also there's an app/website called mummy social which looks quite handy, where you can meet up with other mums in your area.

I found it much easier going into town with ds and attending storytime type things at the city library where there seemed to be much more diverse range of mums. I'm 28 now and if I ever have anither dc I will be keeping an eye out for the younger mums

windchime · 21/04/2015 09:27

OP, you are young, they are old. They are jealous and 'performance parenting'. Find somewhere else to go. YANBU.

Original poster

luxywoop13 · 21/04/2015 09:28

At a different group in the same town a woman just asked me if I knew the dad well and are we still together (yes, no. Because he was abusive and pulled a knife on me not because of anything that I did!) obviously most people aren't rude to just say that but Ive never been more embarrassed in my life. I used to be smart now I'm a single mum, no money or job prospects and it's embarrassing when much more successful people ask you about.your life and there's not much to say!

OP posts:

pictish · 21/04/2015 09:30

everyone was talking to their children like cbeebies presenters it was just very strange to me!

Ha ha I know the phenomenon of which you speak. Isn't it bloody irritating?

Sounds like the group isn't the best one for you but there will be others. I always went to tots groups but I went to a few locally before I settled on one where I felt more comfortable.

Nellagain · 21/04/2015 09:31

Yanbu, some of them are just hideous. Ds1 went to one with my dm and my mum loved it. I took him to the same one and hated every minute. I grew up in that area so who kjows what the problem was.

I found the sure start ine much better. It was just friendlier and parenting seemed more normal too. I didn't notice any performance parenting unlike the playgroup crowd.

Then there was another local one in a church hall that sang sounds -no accompanying music that wasnt my taste either.

I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. It's just one more thing to feel pressured by.

Nellagain · 21/04/2015 09:31

Songs not sounds. That would have been interesting.

cailindana · 21/04/2015 09:33

The reason a situation like that is awkward is because everyone feels just as nervous as you. You were judging them just as much as they were judging you. There is nothing special about them that makes them any more confident or able to manage toddler groups than you. Try to have a more open mind and be less quick to judge them based on how they talk to their children. They might be a bit different to you but that doesn't make them nasty.

I run a toddler group and every single person who comes in, young, old, whatever is nervous. I make it my job to ensure they get talking to someone. Unfortunately if you don't have someone to do that then what happens is everyone sits around feeling awkward and on display. What you need to find is a toddler group with a leader who puts in that effort. At our sessions everyone talks to everyone else - it is open and friendly and people have often commented on it. It's only like that because I and my fellow volunteers have made it that way.

cailindana · 21/04/2015 09:37

Wow luxywoop, I just read your last post. You say they were judging you, but you're your harshest judge aren't you? There is no need to be embarrassed, you are clearly a strong and clever person who is doing well in very difficult circumstances. Please don't be so hard on yourself, no one who is worth knowing will think badly of you just because your ex was such a horrible person.

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