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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stand up for myself?

51 replies

ifyoujustsmile · 21/04/2015 07:52

I posted few weeks ago about my BIL and fiancé, who had asked me to be a bridesmaid for them and basically told me I was planning the hen do. She came up with a ridiculous list of things we had to do on the hen (£££+) and none of her friends were willing to pay for it, and pulled out. I was then blamed for this, and got a lot of abuse via text about my inability to make it happen. They refused to discuss it in person.
Further development mean that they came over to our home and acted like everything was normal, and when I went upstairs to get ds up from afternoon nap, they asked dh 'what is her problem'. Needless to say I heard them and confronted them. I calmly explained that I no longer wanted to be part of the hen do because I clearly wasn't meeting their expectations and we can't afford a £300 hen do on top of the 5 day stag do that dh is going on. They did not like this, and started shouting at me (dc's present), swearing and attacking me personally - 'you are trying to make this all about you, you are so selfish, don't you think I deserve a hen do, I work so hard. You should be back at work by now anyway, welcome to the real world' (dd is 4 months). I should add they want my children to be at the ceremony for pictures, then to be taken away for the meal etc.
Anyway, my ds started to cry 'no more shouting' so I told them it was best that they left
and I said that if they feel like that about me, I would step down as bridesmaid. I can be there to look after my
Dcs and drop them off with my mum after the ceremony. Hmm
Well it's been a few weeks and I received a text saying can we forget about what happened and all the stupid things we said to each other (I said nothing personal, just the reasons why I didn't want to be involved with the hen)
And she wants to build on our friendship (we don't speak or see one another unless our dps do). MIL thinks I should be bridesmaid, go on hen etc. Dm thinks I should ignore her. HELP!

OP posts:
DevaDiva · 21/04/2015 07:56

Bloody hell, families! I would expect a bit more than a text message after that behaviour. Your DH needs to have a word with his brother

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/04/2015 07:59

It really doesn't matter what your MIL or your mother think - what do YOU think you should do?

I think you should stay off her BM team but still go to the wedding. Make it clear that you can not possibly live up to her expectations and you are not prepared, and do not have the time, to put yourself under that level of obligation or stress.

Accept her "apology" as it is though, for the sake of family harmony - it is an olive branch of sorts - but stick to your decision.

honeysucklejasmine · 21/04/2015 07:59

I think neither you nor your children should go!

But long term I suppose a token olive branch is sensible, if you think it's worth having a relationship with them.

elbowsdontsing2 · 21/04/2015 08:03

if i was you id tell them ill forget about the arguement but your just be a guest at the wedding like everyone els. i couldnt be doing with all that drama, she not even a blood relative youve got the misfortune of knowing her because your married to brothers.

Catdogwormfrog · 21/04/2015 08:04

My first instinct was have nothing to do with them . Don't go to wedding etc etc.
However the above poster is right I think about olive branch . So give them one more chance.
I'd be tempted to meet up and talk about it somewhere public so that mind of thing can't happen again.
I'd also be tempted to bring children with you do they can see you resolve the conflict and maybe get involved in the planning as well, but that would depend on the kids and you know them best

Good luck

Grit your teeth

Only1scoop · 21/04/2015 08:05

There is no way on earth Id take part in any part of their ghastly 'show'

To be honest if you agree to be bridesmaid after all this charade and pay and organise the hen do. You are either very thick skinned....a bit stupid ....or really want to go.

I commented on your previous thread and can't believe this couple with their ugly traits are still demanding all this attention.

Don't enable them to have another second of yours.

Collaborate · 21/04/2015 08:30

Don't refuse to attend, but the cause of this was you agreeing to be BM and then them assuming you'd organise the hen do. You should have nothing more to do with that. Whichever poor sod ends up doing it will only get it in the neck when it doesn't live up to her expectations.

Since when did it become a thing that someone else had to organise a stag or hen do anyway?

Original poster
ifyoujustsmile · 21/04/2015 08:32

I'm definitely not going to be having any part of the hen do, and I'm not going to stand up for her as a bridesmaid, because she isn't a blood relative, or a friend and I can't think of any excuses for the things they said to me. I really feel that they both need to say sorry to me before the olive branch. There has been no apology. Am I being precious?

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/04/2015 08:39

Not precious, but I doubt you'll get a proper apology, so either accept this text for what it is (as near to an apology as you'll get) or you'll never get "closure" on this.

I agree that they should apologise, but I doubt you'll get them to, nor get MIL to help that happen. What does your DH think?

elbowsdontsing2 · 21/04/2015 08:42

no your not being precious but as i said up thread unfortunatly she is family so nod in the right places and be civil just keep her at arms lengh. she sounds vile but your going to be seeing alot of her if its a close family you really dont want the stress of a bad atmostphere every time you meet.

Gatehouse77 · 21/04/2015 08:44

I don't think you're being precious at all.
I would stick to your guns re-not going on the hen do/being a bridesmaid and say you're happy to accept the invitation as a guest and look forward to a lovely day.
Keep it brief and succinct with little wiggle room for misinterpretation.

Gotta love a family wedding Wink

Original poster
ifyoujustsmile · 21/04/2015 08:47

Dh wants me to be bridesmaid for appearances sake, but he thinks they need to apologise. He thinks BILs fiancé made a big step texting though Hmm
I should add that we don't see this couple aside from family occasions for this very reason. Used to be close but I'm sick of being asked to forgive and forget.

OP posts:
BuriedSardine · 21/04/2015 08:48

It seems to be a question of 'do you want to be right or happy?'

If your ego is robust otherwise, just go and meet and put it behind you for the sake of your wider family.

If there's more to it, or you thrive on drama, ramp it up and refuse the olive branch as pp suggested.

What is your ideal outcome? Peace? Winning the argument?

MsJudgementalPants · 21/04/2015 08:49

What on earth did your DH make of the shouting in front of dc? I'd go as a guest for the sake of the family but definitely keep my distance. I'd be tempted to miss the reception too (would use the excuse that no-one was available to look after dc).

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/04/2015 08:50

Tell your DH that you cannot and will not be a BM but you will be at the wedding for appearance's sake, and if he doesn't stop badgering you then that might not even happen!

They're not going to apologise, not properly - so why indeed should you be the one who always forgives and forgets? That's how bad behaviour is perpetuated - because they don't suffer any consequences for it.

Only1scoop · 21/04/2015 08:56

If you must still attend then don't be a BridesmugShock your Dh should surely understand why if this happened as it reads.

She text you because she felt she had to in order for you to snap back into the wedding party and be present for photos. Not because she thinks she is in the wrong.

To be fair You shouldn't have agreed to organise hen do....but if I remember you gave plenty of notice that you couldn't fulfil her pricey do and neither could others....subsequently dropping out.

ItsADinosaur · 21/04/2015 08:56

Ignore, they sound awful. What a bridezilla.

wheresthelight · 21/04/2015 09:28

bollocks to olive branches unless they come from bil and his fiancée quite frankly.

I would attend the questing as a guest and refuse to have anything further to do with their drama.

I would also point out that you refuse to have your kids paraded about for pictures when they aren't considered worthy enough to actually be invited.

but I a complete cow and refused point blank to attend my ex sil's wedding and banned her from mine to stbxh along with several other family members after their behaviour to me

Collaborate · 21/04/2015 09:30

It seems to be a question of 'do you want to be right or happy?'

Perhaps not making a stand when she's spoken to like that would make OP unhappy? You've got to draw a line somewhere.

Original poster
ifyoujustsmile · 21/04/2015 13:07

I agree only1scoop, she doesn't actually give a flying banana whether we are friends, she just wants me to fall back into line. They are getting married in a hotel near us and groom has 8 groomsmen and a best man and she has 7 bridesmaids (not including me). She might not even notice I'm not there....

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/04/2015 13:21

I suspect she's more worried about "what people might say" if you're not a BM.

Is your DH going to be a groomsman?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/04/2015 13:21

Or best man, even?

Original poster
ifyoujustsmile · 21/04/2015 13:37

That's one of the reasons they called me selfish/vindictive etc. I said that I would tell anyone that asked (no one will) that I needed to look after my Dcs during the ceremony and photos and couldn't do that whilst attending the bride. Dh is a groomsman, he's still doing it, it is his brother after all, even if he is a bully.

OP posts:
HeyheyheyGoodbye · 21/04/2015 13:43

I remember your other thread. They sound like lunatics.

Don't refuse to go to the wedding, but stick to your guns about not being a bridesmaid! You don't need this shit.

God, what is it about weddings that turns everyone awful?

maninawomansworld · 21/04/2015 13:47

I think you were very reasonable and restrained. As *wheresthelight' says, bollocks to olive branches!
If it were me then I don't think I'd even be attending the wedding after that tirade, let alone being a bridesmaid / going on hen do.

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