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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stand up for myself?

51 replies

ifyoujustsmile · 21/04/2015 07:52

I posted few weeks ago about my BIL and fiancé, who had asked me to be a bridesmaid for them and basically told me I was planning the hen do. She came up with a ridiculous list of things we had to do on the hen (£££+) and none of her friends were willing to pay for it, and pulled out. I was then blamed for this, and got a lot of abuse via text about my inability to make it happen. They refused to discuss it in person.
Further development mean that they came over to our home and acted like everything was normal, and when I went upstairs to get ds up from afternoon nap, they asked dh 'what is her problem'. Needless to say I heard them and confronted them. I calmly explained that I no longer wanted to be part of the hen do because I clearly wasn't meeting their expectations and we can't afford a £300 hen do on top of the 5 day stag do that dh is going on. They did not like this, and started shouting at me (dc's present), swearing and attacking me personally - 'you are trying to make this all about you, you are so selfish, don't you think I deserve a hen do, I work so hard. You should be back at work by now anyway, welcome to the real world' (dd is 4 months). I should add they want my children to be at the ceremony for pictures, then to be taken away for the meal etc.
Anyway, my ds started to cry 'no more shouting' so I told them it was best that they left
and I said that if they feel like that about me, I would step down as bridesmaid. I can be there to look after my
Dcs and drop them off with my mum after the ceremony. Hmm
Well it's been a few weeks and I received a text saying can we forget about what happened and all the stupid things we said to each other (I said nothing personal, just the reasons why I didn't want to be involved with the hen)
And she wants to build on our friendship (we don't speak or see one another unless our dps do). MIL thinks I should be bridesmaid, go on hen etc. Dm thinks I should ignore her. HELP!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/04/2015 13:58

They are selfish show pony twats then.
Sod them and their "apology".
Still go, to support your DH and not create too much of an issue; but no chance on the "friendship" (Ha!) and no way to being BM.

Your DH surely must see this is outrageous? Surely?

Anniegetyourgun · 21/04/2015 14:08
Vycount · 21/04/2015 14:16

Just say no. Grin

Dr0pThePirate · 21/04/2015 14:30

Fuck that!

I wouldn't be entertaining the idea of ever being in the same room as these people again never mind being part of their wedding. They're crazy, horrible weirdos!

Who gives a rats arse what anyone else thinks? Tell them to shove it or they'll be pulling shit like this on you for the rest of your life.

Only1scoop · 21/04/2015 14:50

Ugh 7 Bridesmugs and 8 groomsmen....

You are well out of that Op

"No business like show business" eh

Only1scoop · 21/04/2015 14:55

And yes you are right they'll "go on with the show"

Sorry Op

This beautiful weather brings out my favourite show tunes.Wink

I personally think your a diamond to go and take your dc for the 'ooo what a picture' photographic opportunity.

And if she dares to moan about you giving up the b maid position....then

You know what to do.

Good luck

Viviennemary · 21/04/2015 14:57

I've not read this whole thead. But on no accounts be a bridesmaid. Just agree to go to the wedding as a guest and not be involved in any of the preparations. Just say you don't want to be in any more arguments as it's too upsetting and stressful.

Original poster
ifyoujustsmile · 21/04/2015 17:09

I feel like if I say 'are you joking, you want me to bring my kids so they can be in your photos but you don't actually want them at your wedding?' I will be pissing them off too much. I don't want to be seen as bitter. Although I'd be well within my rights. Thanks for replies so far - I feel less like a bad person and more like they are the ones being unreasonable!

OP posts:
Original poster
ifyoujustsmile · 21/04/2015 17:10

Wouldn't want to rain on their parade eh 1scoop Wink

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 21/04/2015 17:17

Well quite Op Grin

Especially with this potential Shop of Horrors.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 21/04/2015 17:21

It would be dreadful if the DC had access to facepaints or hair bands or something that made them look bizarre before the photos.

Or you spent lots of time teaching them to stick out their tongues every time you take a picture, so by the wedding day it is a Pavlovian response Smile.

Seriously though I would be really uncomfortable letting them use your DC as photographic props. They are people, not window dressing, and if anyone needed a lesson in empathy it sounds like this selfish entitled couple. I'd say no and explain or might be rather hard in years to come to explain to the kids why they were in photos but not present at the wedding.

BuriedSardine · 22/04/2015 17:01

AnnieGet Grin

Original poster
ifyoujustsmile · 22/04/2015 17:38

DH wants us to all 'sit down and talk' but I do not. I'm going to wait and see if an invite turns up in the post Grin

OP posts:
pluCaChange · 22/04/2015 17:45

Don't get into any position which gives them any power over you, as they will misuse that power, and there will be no face-saving response: you will snap!

Attending the wedding, then pissing off, is actually the best they can hope for, though they sound too stubborn and dim to realise that. Well, perhaps not dim, but certainly used to having their bullshit indulged (that's clear from the demands about the hen do, which were too "rich" for the "lucky" invitees!).

wheresthelight · 22/04/2015 17:53

tell your dh that the only way you will contemplate said meeting if it is preceeded by a very public apology from them

MonstrousRatbag · 22/04/2015 18:05

No, don't be a bridesmaid. This wedding sounds like an absolute farrago of shit anyway, don't demean yourself.

I would ask your DH what compromises he wants from you and what compromises he wants from them. Because if it turns out he is asking nothing of them and a lot of you, then that is very unfair and he should be ready to explain why you have to make all the concessions.

LondonLady29 · 22/04/2015 19:15

Tell her you don't think you have the time or money to be a bridesmaid and go on the hen do, but say "don't take this personally, I'm happy to forgive the other week, I know it can be stressful, but under the circumstances it's better for all if I'm just a guest at the wedding. Hope you understand. Looking forward to it all."

You shouldn't have to go to all that effort for someone you don't like who treats you like a skivvy and slags you off behind your back. Be civil for the sake of a peaceful life but don't be pushed into anything more.

magoria · 22/04/2015 19:22

Stick to your guns and tell your DH to get his thumb out and support you as he was there and heard what was said and done.

Unless you are massively misrepresenting what happened he is being bloody unreasonable to expect you to just roll over and be bullied and shat on.

Oldraver · 22/04/2015 19:34

Hell would freeze over before I would entertain anyone who shouted at me in my own house in front of my children. You dont need people like this in your life

Original poster
ifyoujustsmile · 22/04/2015 19:48

Oldraver my thoughts entirely. However DH is acting wounded and keeps reminding me that we have to see these people at every family event forever more. I actually like everyone else, and don't want the bride and groomzillas to bullshit tell their side of the story

OP posts:
Original poster
ifyoujustsmile · 22/04/2015 19:50

Clearly the bullshit part was the bit that was supposed to be scored out

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 22/04/2015 19:53

Op it's you that should be feeling 'wounded' after the verbal assassination you received in your own home in front of your dc....

You have agreed to turn up which I personally think is very amicable of you. Tell him not to push it or you will boycott it altogether.

redexpat · 22/04/2015 20:13

Please go and train your children to pull faces in all the photos. Or dye their hair the night before. Or both. Grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/04/2015 22:19

Your DH needs a rethink.
Has he always been bullied by his brother? Is the the older or younger brother? Have his parents always supported his brother over him? In which case he REALLY needs to take stock of his whole family dynamic.
This shit isn't going to stop with just you - it's going to be visited on your children later on, when the Zillas have children - is he going to stand by and conciliate when his children are put second as well?

Original poster
ifyoujustsmile · 23/04/2015 08:49

Yes, (older) brother has always been 'the boss' - probably linked to Dhs father leaving when he was a teenager. BIL was an usher at our wedding, and decided, without being asked, to make a speech at our wedding! That's the sort of person he is, hence their ott wedding.
Aside from feeling that I have to indulge them and take the dcs to have photos, I can't help but feel that keeping them as far away from BIL and his bride would probably be best in future. Ds is at a very impressionable age and BIL treats him like a toy, trying to get him to copy rude words etc when they are together. DH gets very angry at this but is ignored.

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