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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH spending time with female neighbour

60 replies

jujo01 · 20/04/2015 14:30

Long story short. DH spending a lot of time with recently separated neighbour. All socialise together, but he stays on after I come home and once fell asleep on the sofa, came home 5am. Got fed up and said it's too much, must stop. He finally agreed. Then last week, when I was out, went over there and shared a bottle of wine. I came home and caught him coming out, after he had lied that he was home watching TV. Gave an ultimatum, which he accepted. When I asked what he had told DSS, said 'I've told him I'm not allowed to go there any more'. AIBU to expect more support than that, feel totally sick about the whole thing.

OP posts:
ImNameyChangey · 20/04/2015 14:33

Oh I'd be extremely suspicious. :( this is how my friend's marriage ended. Mutual friend...they all socialised...friend used to go up to bed...he was sleeping with neighbour whilst my friend was in bed.

I would also stop contact with the neighbour personally.

WizardofSnoz · 20/04/2015 14:35

Nope, YANBU. He's probably cheating. At the very least an emotional affair. I'd tell him it stops or he slings his hook and moves in with her.

ItsADinosaur · 20/04/2015 14:38

My first thought was he's having an affair.

Grewupinafield · 20/04/2015 14:50

Last summer my husband was out in the garden all the time with our then 18 month old son. Next door neighbour started to be also out there constantly. Dh would always have his top off (nothing unusual about this, he's a sun lover and always take his top off at a glimpse of the sun). She was a lot older than us.
I found out she started texting him, he didn't respond (I saw the messages) and she tried to kiss him in the garden when evening when I was inside.
I would be very wary. I'm lucky because my husband wasn't interested in the slightest, but she became obsessed with him. We're moving now because of this.
Be very wary, if you're uncomfortable about this, he needs to respect that and stop spending time with her. If he doesn't, something is happening.
His behaviour is not ok!!

Allbymyselfagain · 20/04/2015 15:56

It's the lying. Without that it could be innocent but lying makes it suspicious.

Sorry OP but I had this situation with an ex, he lied constantly about spending time with her until I had to leave him. I still don't know if they did anything but I couldn't live with him when I was phoning the house phone whilst at work to check he was were he said he was. Ultimatum time i think. Good luck

Viviennemary · 20/04/2015 15:58

If he's not having an affair with her now then he very soon will be. Put a stop to this at once. I'd stop all social contact with the neighbour apart from a polite greeting if you happen to meet.

ihatelego · 20/04/2015 16:02

oh dear Confused doesn't look good op! i wouldn't be happy with any more contact other than small talk personally and i;d be worried something has already happened.

Foxeym · 20/04/2015 18:38

Does not look good op, to be honest I went through the exact same thing with my now ExH, needless to say you can guess what I found out eventually, for ages I was told there was nothing to it, the DCs just liked to play etc, it turned out it wasn't only the DCs that were playing, sorry

Tootsiepops · 20/04/2015 18:51

Nope. Nope. Nope.

My husband would be out on his arse for that.

YANBU.

Original poster
jujo01 · 21/04/2015 11:15

Thanks everybody for contributions. All sounds depressingly predictable, even though DH SWEARS he doesn't fancy her, says he thinks of her more like a bloke (she is very tomboyish). But maybe that's just me being an ostrich.

OP posts:
ImNameyChangey · 21/04/2015 13:44

What is she like with him when you're around? Is she friendly? ? Or does she take the mick out of him?

FujimotosElixir · 21/04/2015 13:47

doesn't look good from here op, id be confronting her , then DH.

ItsADinosaur · 21/04/2015 13:54

What are you going to do OP? Is there any way of finding any proof? I really hope it's innocent but even so, the lying and rating out until 5am isn't acceptable.

ItsADinosaur · 21/04/2015 13:54

Rating? Staying!

SoonToBeMrsB · 21/04/2015 13:56

Sorry OP, it's the lying that does it for me. I'd keep both eyes firmly open here Sad

FujimotosElixir · 21/04/2015 13:57

the sharing a bottle of wine, in the ops absence is a bleddy red bunting as well. ...

Stopandlook · 21/04/2015 13:59

Emotional affair at best. YANBU

Allbymyselfagain · 21/04/2015 14:00

OP sorry that exactly what mine said, "I don't fancy her she's just like one of the lads." it really doesn't matter if they are shagging or not, he's lying to you which is a complete lack of respect. That's enough in my book.

Rivercam · 21/04/2015 14:03

It maybe innocent at the moment, but it could easily go,the wrong way.

what did he say when you said you wanted his visiting to stop? Has there been any other communications.

Maybe when you spoke to him, he was watching TV, and then got invited out for wine. It may be totally innocent.

As you have done, I would nip it in the bud, and make sure any visits to this neighbour is en masse.

goldylookingpane · 21/04/2015 14:04

DH SWEARS he doesn't fancy her,

Such a cliche'. They often say 'she's ugly' or 'nothing to look at' or 'I don't fancy her' or 'I see her more as a bloke'

All those lines are designed to throw you off the scent! Hmm

Ofcourse he fancies her, but he's hardly going to tell you the truth!

AwesomeAlmonds · 21/04/2015 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaForTara · 21/04/2015 14:06

It's unanimous, OP. No one is saying "it's nothing, he's just being friendly, don't be so touchy." Agree with a pp that it's the lying. As to what you do about it, that's trickier. But if you don't want to kick him out, make it clear to him that you were uncomfortable about it before, but once he lied about it, that was totally crossing the line and her house must now be a complete no go area.

WhoNickedMyName · 21/04/2015 14:10

I would not be going over to have a word with your neighbour but I'd be having serious words with your 'D' H.

he's having, at the very least, a heavy flirtation, blatantly, right in front of your face.

Sharing bottles of wine and 'falling asleep on her sofa' until 5am? yeah right Hmm

Number3cometome · 21/04/2015 14:12

I think I would be tempted to go round there myself with a bottle of wine and tell her how I caught an STD off my husband and I am sure he is having an affair......

Original poster
jujo01 · 21/04/2015 15:01

Again, thanks for inputs.

Rivercam, afraid it wasn't innocent. I rang him when he was at her house, he lied to me whilst she was sat there listening. Apparently she also asked where I was when he went over, so knew I was not around. Too damn much collusion, particularly when DSS also comes into the equation, see below.

ImNameyChangey - she takes the mick, but there's a lot of laughing and eye contact, which sets my radar off.
However - I am told, although don't know if this is true, that DSS was there with him 'most of the time', BUT since DSS also lied and told me he was down the pub...
Sigh! Why are men such dolts? I have pointed out how this looks from a casual observer's viewpoint. Also that even if it was a MALE friend, it is still TOO MUCH. Anyhow, he says he won't go over any more or have contact, I forced a choice and he came to this on his own. As to her, I have made a point of being around when she gets home from work etc to deliver the sort of death stare a lesser woman would shrivel at.

OP posts: