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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I couldn't respect my partner if he was a SAHD"

52 replies

Sansarya · 20/04/2015 12:45

I have recently returned to work after 14 months off with DS and was having a conversation with a friend the other day. I said that DS is in nursery but if I earned enough then I'd happily work and DP would be happy to be a SAHD for a few years.

She was shocked and said she would never be able to respect her partner if he stayed at home as men are supposed to provide for their families! She also said she'd never be with someone who earned less than her.

Now I know she's entitled to her opinion etc etc but AIBU to think she's BU??

OP posts:
Pyjamaschocolateandwine · 20/04/2015 12:46

She's a daft cow!

PtolemysNeedle · 20/04/2015 12:48

YABU, because she was talking about what she wants out of her own life partner. It's not unreasonable for her to want certain things in life, and a working partner isn't much to ask. Her saying that she would never want to be in your position is a bit rude, but it's a perfectly valid viewpoint.

flora717 · 20/04/2015 12:49

She's got barely a toe in the real world, has she?!

Sickoffrozen · 20/04/2015 12:49

Wouldn't suit me either to be honest!

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 20/04/2015 12:51

Sadly this attitude is not uncommon in my experience, for some reason stay at home dads are seen by some as failures in life. well, he is only a stay at home because he lost his job/lazy/etc as opposed to a rational best outcome decision made by the parents

HazleNutt · 20/04/2015 12:52

Well she has a right to her opinions, even though I personally would not agree with her either.

BakewellSlice · 20/04/2015 12:52

She sounds very stuck in old gender roles. Just leave her to it!

Nolim · 20/04/2015 12:54

She barely has a toe in this century for that mater.

She is obviously entitled to her opinion but luckly i havent met anyone irl who says that.

enderwoman · 20/04/2015 13:01

Does she have kids? I think most parents feel great pride and happiness when they see their child's other parent doing a great job with their child.

Mum trying to think why she thinks this... Possible scenarios

  1. She's never known a man who would be good at sahd. (Can cook, clean and care for a child without a female chaperone)
  2. She's desperate to meet a high earner sis he doesn't have to work once she's a mum.
  3. She has no concept of "the sums" of having a young child and why the lower earner might stay at home.
  4. she has extended family who do the childcare for free so doesn't even realise that others may not be so lucky.
  5. She doesn't understand that the mum might enjoy working and the Dad might enjoy sahd.
  6. She's on minimum wage so it's not possible to earn less than her.

All of these basically point to her being ignorant of real life.

tilbatilba · 20/04/2015 13:03

How short sighted and narrow - best years of my DH's life and I adored him for it !

m0therofdragons · 20/04/2015 13:05

I wouldn't want dh to be a sahd bit not for her daft reason. I would worry about dh's confidence getting back into work at a later point And his general happiness. That's more about his personality than his gender. Sahm isn't right for me either.

Greysanderson · 20/04/2015 13:06

Like someone said before this view isn't uncommon at all.
I remember a thread maybe a year or 2 ago where a man was asking for advice as his wife had started treated him like crap since he became a SAHD, wonder if i can find that thread.

curlyweasel · 20/04/2015 13:10

She needs a dry slap.

MTBMummy · 20/04/2015 13:13

I faced this a lot when DP started being a SAHD, it's really sad that people view it this way.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 20/04/2015 13:14

lol

Is a dry slap more punishing then a wet slap?

Original poster
Sansarya · 20/04/2015 13:16

Haha, curlyweasel I’m just imagining slapping someone with a wet fish now!

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 20/04/2015 13:17

OP she is ignorant, and envious. Id ignore. This is why at work I don't like to talk too personally..too many people feel it immediately gives them room to judge, and be offensive about your partner and/or family life. I can't be bothered with this type of person

Lunastarfish · 20/04/2015 13:21

Sadly Her attitude seems to be common of what is spouted on here in posts by working mums complaining about their SAHD partners

Drowsybutawake · 20/04/2015 13:23

YANBU, as pp said she is entitled to her own sexist attitudes, but by expressing them to you she is helping to make them more acceptable and adding to prejudice.

I think comments like this are disgusting and sadly all too common. You wouldn't tolerate a man saying he wouldn't respect his wife if she worked! It's terribly limiting for dads who want a fuller relationship with their kids.

morethanpotatoprints · 20/04/2015 13:23

I would remind her we're not in the 1950's anymore, even though admittedly we have the traditional set up of working dh and sahm.
This shouldn't be expected these days, it's a matter of choice how you want to live your life.
I'd be reminding her that lots of men are sahds now and their spouse respect them because they love them.
maybe, she doesn't love her dh enough Grin

netty7070 · 20/04/2015 13:25

My DH did it for 5 years and values that time more than anything else he's ever done.

She sounds like a daft bint.

viva100 · 20/04/2015 13:27

I think it's because some women think that men who are SAHDs don't do anything all day and only play with the kids & do their hobbies as opposed to doing laundry and cooking etc. It's ridiculous, there's an expectation that men are crap at those things so being a SAHD=lazy arse. People are just closed minded. It drives me nuts when people tell me how lucky I am because DP cooks and cleans i.e. he's a normal, reasonable man who cares about his partner enough to do his share of the housework - this is the minimum I expect from someone I'm sharing my life with.

That being said there are people who don't really understand why anyone would want to be a stay at home parent generally. I know men who wouldn't want their wives to become SAHMs and for the entire financial burden to suddenly fall on them. They also feel they wouldn't have as much in common with their partners anymore. Fortunately their partners seem to be on board. People are entitled to their own opinions/ expectations in regards to their own relationships. What works for some, doesn't work for others.

Reluctantlandlord · 20/04/2015 13:29

It depends why she said it. If she believes that both partners should work f/t and contribute then she's not being unreasonable although a little rigid. If she thinks it's ok for women to sah but not for men then that's a ridiculous POV.

Fluffycloudland77 · 20/04/2015 13:33

Was she a different generation to you?. I find them stricter on gender roles.

I've been told "Dh ought to pay the bills because he's a man".

AmberLav · 20/04/2015 13:45

I think DH would be an equally good/bad sahp as I would be - He'd probably cook more practical things than me, and he might clean better, but he would get as impatient as I get - don't think either of us would be great sahps really!

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