"I couldn't respect my partner if he was a SAHD"

[Sansarya]

I have recently returned to work after 14 months off with DS and was having a conversation with a friend the other day. I said that DS is in nursery but if I earned enough then I'd happily work and DP would be happy to be a SAHD for a few years.

She was shocked and said she would never be able to respect her partner if he stayed at home as men are supposed to provide for their families! She also said she'd never be with someone who earned less than her.

Now I know she's entitled to her opinion etc etc but AIBU to think she's BU??

Fluffy, no she's the same age as me - late thirties. She is from a fairly wealthy family though and I get the feeling it's been drilled into her that she must find a wealthy partner (she is always talking about how much money people have and saying that so-and-so should "find a rich boyfriend") who earns enough for her to be a SAHM.

She sounds like a genius. Far better to set up a business which fails (but at least go to work) embezzle, which takes care of the limited salary problem or just work crazy hours, which means that you'll never see your kids. I'm all for private schools which aren't worth the money and houses with three reception rooms.

In truth, society sill works around the assumption that men go out to work and women look after children. In times of financial recession that assumption becomes an imperative.

This is why it is still accepted women should be paid less and get made redundant first. Government knows men are dangerous when unemployed.

Large numbers of women do very well in life by being SAHM and marrying a man who gets better paid than he would otherwise have done if more women were working and competing for his job.

I have been shared SAHP with DW for a long time and have occasions been treated with suspicion by mothers and female teachers at DSs Prep school. We live in a very traditional part of the UK where middle class women in the main do not work and their menfolk have traditional professional jobs.

How truely odd. Does she not respect SAHMs either? Or does she still think a mans role is to provide whilst women stay at home barefoot and pregnant?

DH earns significantly less than me and is a SAHD one day a week (and was a FT SAHD when DH was a baby).

I couldn't respect a woman who didn't think she could potentially earn more than her partner. Is she a lot older?

Personally I think that either person stopping work entirely for an extended period of time is risky for their pension/future career development. I wouldn't want to be a SAHM, and I wouldn't feel comfortable for either of us to not be working at all and to rely solely on one salary.

Its a very odd pov. But there are all sorts of people out there. I have met people who think its disgraceful that I worked ft when I had kids even though dh was at home all day. Then I was at home all night while he worked. I have met people who thinks sahps should get off their arses and do a 'proper job'.

I don't agree with any of them.

morebeta, not everybody is middle class. If people can afford not to work then they can afford not to work. There was once a time when doing work of any kind was frowned upon, admittedly, you would have been Greek and had slaves. There was also a time, in Britain, when it was obligatory for women to have delicate white skin, in order to show that they had not been working in the fields. All that shows is that social attitudes can be a bit silly. But, then again, we can all choose our friends. And, if we think they're talking nonsense, we can stop talking to them.

Blimey my respect for DP would skyrocket if he would do 1 year as a SAHP while I had his life - working in an office 9-6, going on extended travels for work and dealing with the kids and domestic chaos only for select small bursts of time. It's a bit late now for this to happen (youngest DC is now school age) and he's had a lucky escape IMO. I have maintained my career, but I'm freelance and have to work part-time, work evenings and take time off in school holidays, in order for him to devote himself to his high-flying job. Because he earns more and doesn't have the option to go part-time, I've done that – it's worked best for us financially as a family. But for me personally, it's been bloody exhausting. I know for sure, and I think he knows but doesn't want to admit it, that I've had the tougher job for the past 10 years.

so being in her late 30s, she has hopefully already found that partner that will never earn less than her?

I believe dry slap is a Frank Butcher-ism as in "You need a dry slap, sunshine!"

She sounds like a ignoramus.

I would just point and laugh.

Very tempting! She has a younger sister still at university and said she’s told her that now is the time she should be trying to find a husband as that’s far more important than education. She's the gift that keeps on giving!

She's the gift that keeps on giving! Lol!

Incredibly sad that a young woman actually thinks these things.
My Mum (who would be well into her 80s now if she were still alive) would be at your colleague's attitude.

Incredible.

Ignorant and stupid point of view.

DP has decided that on our next child and with my wage increasing he'd quite like to be a SAHD. I hope we can do it, I'd love it too.

she’s told her that now is the time she should be trying to find a husband as that’s far more important than education

Don't kirstie allsop say something similar? So depressing.

Yes, she's entitled to her opinion. Let's just hope her partner doesn't feel the same about sahms.

She obviously has very fixed ideas about gender roles and stereotypes, circa 1950's. I hear this a lot too, you sometimes wonder how far we've really come. Depressing.

She has a younger sister still at university and said she’s told her that now is the time she should be trying to find a husband as that’s far more important than education.

Omg this would be very funny on a sitcom. That it happens itl is just depressing.

I have always taken a rather dim view of women (or men, but I've seen it less) who treat a marriage as a business proposition. I think your friend falls into this category.

My partner is a SAHD and I have SO much respect for him. It has meant I get to have the career whilst he deals with the kids and housework (only in the week mind).
Everyone at work always enviously asks me where I found him!

I have so much respect for my SAHD DH who does a much better job of it than I ever would and allows me to pursue my career. I pisses me off no end when people ask him what work he does at home or, if he mentions possibly doing some freelance work in the future, focus on that rather than his full-time job of looking after DD. He had a successful career where, even once travel costs were taken into account, he earned more than me, but unlike my job, he had started to hate what he was doing and he would be home after DD went to bed. He doesn't regret it at all.

Definitely agree with OP - very strange attitude. I know men who have been SAH's and have been amazing and shit in equal measure - the same as women.

DH was at home for a while when the kids were really small (he was made redundant) and I am sure the reason they adore him as much as they do is because of this. In saying all this I would not swap where we are now. I am a SAH and he works. If he were a SAH I am not sure I would hear then end of it with regards to how hard his day was and how much harder it would be for him than for me (which to be fair it might be, given that the world is still set up for mothers to be SAH's and fathers to be working).