To think 8 is too young to supporting sports' teams and that ex is being UR over this?

[thinkingmakesitso]

We separated a year ago and over the last 18 months or so ds1 has been getting more and more enthusiastic about 2 sports that ex also loves. As a result ex has been taking him to local matches quite a bit - they were at the cricket all day today and they have been to the football every few weeks. I am not thrilled for several reasons:

1. Ds gets very upset when things don't go well for the team - I have had to deal with tears several times over it, and I don't like the constant checking of the score. I think he's too young and it's bloody tedious. One day ex had told ds a match was on the radio one Saturday and we had to listen in - on my day with ds . Yes, I could have said no, but then I would have been the bad guy.

1. The bad language ds hears at the football (though, tbf, I have never been great at not swearing around the dc - not at them, around them) and the horrible attitudes/ tribalism it engenders. Ex is not like that but the attitude seems to be pervasive. For instance, we were out for the day at a neighbouring county and ds commented it would be full of 'X (local rivals) fans'. I really don't like this and hate all the talk of 'thrashing' people, people being 'rubbish' etc.

1. He does nothing comparable with ds2 (5) who is not at all sporty. I think, as time goes by the amount of money spent will be noticed and resented, and now the time is. Ds2 saw ex for 5 minutes today .

I think ex has just not realised that now we are split this is going to be hard to manage. His dad bought ds1 membership of the local cricket team for this b/d so I imagine they are going to go a lot - where will that leave ds2? If ex tries to see him at another time, it will eat into my time with the two of them, and if not, it's just not bloody fair. I don't think he will try to make it up, as seems to be returning to his hometown each Sat (seeing OW?) so there will be no time. In addition, I catch up with school work on a Sunday, so will not work for me having ds2 around.

I am getting more and more worked up as I type and know that if I raise it I will be cast as the UR one. To make it worse, he came in this morning expecting me to have prepared a packed lunch for ds, and when I hadn't he made one for himself as well .

WIBU to tell him he needs to cut back on it all a bit?

all good fun, but remember that standing watching others play is NOT sport. This is no more (or less) good than watching telly.

hope the kid gets some actual exercise at some point.

I also don't like the tribalism and fanaticism that can be involved.

The best bet is to try and encourage your other DS to get into these sports too. It would be the easiest thing.

My DS used to be into Formula 1. I found it incredibly tedious, however I went along with it, even getting him up at stupid o'clock so he could watch the Australian GP live. Although I understand your frustrations, if your older DS is into sport, he's into it. That will spill over into his time with you. You'll just have to pretend you'r enthralled and try not to yawn too often, like the rest of us! Sport is a much healthier interest than sitting in front of a games console, and it's also something he can use to bond with other boys at school, especially as he gets older. If I were you I'd bite my lip and encourage it - and work on getting the other interested too, then at least he has to fork out for more tickets!

Only 3.

Supporting a team is one of the greatest things in life.

He's 8, lots of people take babies and little tots to matches!

Supporting a team is one of the greatest things in life.

Really?

In my life, it is.

If you're not a sports fan then you're unlikely to understand.

Judging from my ds' , this is exactly the age children begin to care about both playing and following sports. My ds is disinterested, and his social life has shrunk.

Seeing as X sees the ds every morning and afternoon as your childcare, taking just DS1 to the game is hardly any different than a live-in parent taking 1 child to an activity. It's not like Sunday is his only chance to see his dad, and he is therefore never seeing him. You could require X to take ds2, and make care arrangements rather than just leaving him home with you.

But due to your work schedule, you seem to be the one shortchanged on actual time with your children. Maybe you should make use of the bonus ds2 time while it lasts, and only insist that he alternates Sundays with the boys. Which then gives you alone time with ds1, while it lasts.

As said above, actual 1 to 1 contact is very rare for kids after divorce. As an adult, my dd2 complained of decisions being taken that considered dd1's schedule of school and activities when dd1 began secondary school and dd2 just had to go along with it, because she didnt have such a schedule and activities. you have over a decade more of this, so discuss how to flex the current set up to suit the children rather than worrying how 'fair' it is hours wise for yourselves.

I am indeed a sports fan, I spend most weekends at my kids' various football/rugby/cricket matches.

I agree with pp that item 3 is the only one to be concerned about. Supporting a team isn't your thing but it is your ds'. I'd find a way to embrace it or endure it. Maybe your ex will enjoy bonding with his older child so much, he'll find a way to make it work with the younger one.
Being a sports fan gives people a chance to talk to each other even if it is about "nothing ".
There are plenty of ex partners that don't bother.
keep an eye on item 3. learn to roll with the rest.

I think your problem is you need to sort out your contact and maintenance arrangements.

Once that is sorted your dcs have their time with you and their time with him (contact time is the dcs right not yours/ his).

My DD had a season ticket for our local rugby team from birth she's now 6 months old and we went to the rugby yesterday. Our whole family watch (8 of us in total) and we all enjoy it. It's a community and we are part of it.

I got my first season ticket at 11 and my DH came to his first match when he was my 'new boyfriend' he's now a season ticket holder too.

However, we don't have that same culture of abuse for referees etc... at rugby and female fans and children make up a large proportion of the fanbase.

I do think however it's very unreasonable that your ex is excluding one DS.

Can you not compensate for problem number 3? If the two of them like sports, I'd leave them to it. As for the bad language and tribalism, maybe there are some wise words published by mothers who've already dealt with that issue. It's been around a while.

I do think YABU, DP still talks extremely fondly of his dad taking him to football when he was little - decades on and it's one of his best childhood memories.

He went on to carve out a successful career working in football too. So I guess it did fuel his passion.

Being a soccer/rugby/cricket mum is NOT the same as being a 'sports fan' tbh.

I find taking my ds to see professional games of both football and rugby really help him see what the sport HE is trying to learn is all about.

My DS will be 10 later his year, he is only now really 'getting' it and actively absorbed and watching the games I take him to, the FA Cup Semis this weekend though i believe have ignited a real love of the game, and is an experience he will never forget. he won't be a professional football player, but he will be able to converse with his peers, about this and about rubgy. As a single parent household, with no interaction from his dad, i felt this 'male' part was an important rite of passage.

thinking Your 5yo may get into football etc or not, there is no way my DS would have been interested at that age, and actually his Dad was still about, but hates all sports and would never have taken him, or done ANYTHING with him for that matter, certainly NOT wraparound child care.

Choose your battles.

WRT language, your child will learn swearwords wherever, he will think they are cool. My approach to this is to accept that he will think this, but to state that I never want to hear him swear, or to learn that he has sworn in the earshot of an adult.

I'm with you op, although clearly in the minority. My dad and db are sports fanatics and it absolutely dominated family life. Tv's and radios on in multiple rooms all weekend as the results came in. It's so dull and tedious.
My Dh is very sporty and played to a much higher level than anyone in my family, but he can take or leave the spectator side of things. He'll watch an occasional big game on tv (as will I) but it never encroaches on family life.
While I actively encourage dc to play sport, I hope to foster a healthier relationship with the spectator side of things. As others have said, I also can't stand the tribalism and fanaticism.

I agree too that you need to resolve maintenance. is there a reason why he is not contributing to their costs?

Or is this wraparound childcare his contribution - My childcare costs £300 a month for one child - that'd double if I had 2 DC....

In a typical stadium there are only a handful of the kinds of supporters being described as fanatical and tribal. they generally tend to be based in specific parts of the ground. Many clubs have family areas.

Being a soccer/rugby/cricket mum is NOT the same as being a 'sports fan' tbh.

Why?

Agree with the rest, apart from the fact he does not spend much time with your other son, I don't see an issue.

Many fathers bond with their sons via football teams, sports teams.
One of the first outfits my oh bought our son was a football team shirt. Don't really see an issue with him taking him to matches, following the sport.

Now he just has to find something to do with ds2

I can see it from OP's POV. As a kid my dad used to take my brother to watch rugby, to rugby training, to rugby matches. 2/3 times a week. I got a few hours on a Sunday. As long as there wasn't rugby on. It was crap and as a result we have next to no relationship. It's all well and good to have a shared interest but he also needs one with his other child.

Hissy it's not 'childcare' when he's their father!

Personally, I think it's good that dad is involved but being involved shouldn't just be about Dads passions.

I would prefer to see your son play a sport, maybe with dad as coach. Learn about being a fair sport through experience. Or go to golf together? Listening to hours of radio sport is not as fun healthy or interesting as learning a sport himself.

I would also have a word about finding a hobby with ds2. What does he like to do?

I don't at all agree that you're being ridiculous about recognising that there is an unhealthy side to supporting sports. It definitely makes me extremely uncomfortable too, for the reasons you give op, and I'd also be upset if I had a child who started saying that this county will be full of x supporters etc. I think that the best you can do is have a serious conversation about why he is saying these things when he does. If you treat him as an intelligent being and talk through the emotions that supporting the team engenders and try to put them in some kind of context, then maybe he'll start being able to enjoy the sport for its own sake and rise above the attendant tribalism. I wouldn't raise this aspect with your ex h, who presumably won't be at all sympathetic, but I think that you can definitely talk to him about equal time and money being spent with your younger son, and remind him that the younger one is not at all sporty - maybe that will encourage the ex to do non team related stuff with both boys, so it might have the effect of giving the older one a bit more of a balance.

Definietly agree with others.

I have 3dc. Dh is not interested in any sports, except a passing interest in how England's doing at Cricket. My df liked watching, but didn't go to live things and never supported a particular team. Dfil's only interest in sports is the statistics

Then along came ds. He's my youngest, aged 7yo, and is truly into Sport. He supports his football team and when he's with his friends you hear them congratulating each other on their teams' wins, ribbing each other about losses and discussing what they will do when they're manager.
I'm not interested really, but I pretend to have an interest when he tells me about the brilliant save, or the fantastic penalty etc.
And he has recently started playing a sport that I play, and it's lovely to go out together and play, and discuss it. It's wonderful bonding time.

Just because ds2 isn't interested at present, doesn't mean that he won't be, and I'd say you need to watch that he either feels he can't be interested or he isn't wanted because he wasn't initially interested.

And even if he's not interested he may be pleased to go along because it's time spent with his dad and brother.

My df used to play golf. he used to go first thing on Saturday morning really early. I loved going with him because it was time just us two. He told me all about golf, and we talked about all sorts of other things too. My df was a very busy person and he didn't just sit around and talk generally, so it was a real treat. I have, nor never had, any interest in playing golf, or watching it, but it was very special those times out early on the course.

Hissy it's not 'childcare' when he's their father!

Oh I know this, but if for whatever reason he is unable to support financially, having them before and after school IS extremely valuable to the OP. If he didn't have them OR contribute the OP would be forking out a good few hundred quid.

That's why I phrased my post the way i did.