To think 8 is too young to supporting sports' teams and that ex is being UR over this?

[thinkingmakesitso]

We separated a year ago and over the last 18 months or so ds1 has been getting more and more enthusiastic about 2 sports that ex also loves. As a result ex has been taking him to local matches quite a bit - they were at the cricket all day today and they have been to the football every few weeks. I am not thrilled for several reasons:

1. Ds gets very upset when things don't go well for the team - I have had to deal with tears several times over it, and I don't like the constant checking of the score. I think he's too young and it's bloody tedious. One day ex had told ds a match was on the radio one Saturday and we had to listen in - on my day with ds . Yes, I could have said no, but then I would have been the bad guy.

1. The bad language ds hears at the football (though, tbf, I have never been great at not swearing around the dc - not at them, around them) and the horrible attitudes/ tribalism it engenders. Ex is not like that but the attitude seems to be pervasive. For instance, we were out for the day at a neighbouring county and ds commented it would be full of 'X (local rivals) fans'. I really don't like this and hate all the talk of 'thrashing' people, people being 'rubbish' etc.

1. He does nothing comparable with ds2 (5) who is not at all sporty. I think, as time goes by the amount of money spent will be noticed and resented, and now the time is. Ds2 saw ex for 5 minutes today .

I think ex has just not realised that now we are split this is going to be hard to manage. His dad bought ds1 membership of the local cricket team for this b/d so I imagine they are going to go a lot - where will that leave ds2? If ex tries to see him at another time, it will eat into my time with the two of them, and if not, it's just not bloody fair. I don't think he will try to make it up, as seems to be returning to his hometown each Sat (seeing OW?) so there will be no time. In addition, I catch up with school work on a Sunday, so will not work for me having ds2 around.

I am getting more and more worked up as I type and know that if I raise it I will be cast as the UR one. To make it worse, he came in this morning expecting me to have prepared a packed lunch for ds, and when I hadn't he made one for himself as well .

WIBU to tell him he needs to cut back on it all a bit?

I don't understand your arrangements? Surely most split parents, who have agreed days, take both children and if they were doing so something with 1 child would leave the other with friends or relative, but not the ex?

Do you need more distance, making himself lunch is really crossing a line, perhaps stick to doorstep handovers and suggest he buys them a pie if they have no lunch?

He should devote equal attention to both children but other than that I think you're B thoroughly U.

Point 3 is a major issue.

And also the cheek of expecting you to pack a lunch, and then using your groceries to make himself one. That's not on. he isnt an uncle or grandad having a rare day with them, he is their dad and responsible for the whole damn thing.

but I'm not sure what is so great about supporting teams

Ask any one of the thousands upon thousands at Wembley today.

Ask any one of the thousands upon thousands at Wembley today

Exactly - or yesterday.

I agree with defineme

He should be taking both children for whatever time he is supposed to have them, not be at your home.

It looks like you need boundaries, although it might be difficult if he is at the home with the children pre and after school. Could you find alternative arrangements?

Neither DH or myself are into sports.

Ds is a footy fan, he loves watching and playing football. So much I now got sky sports for him.

He is almost 9.

I would be more fucked off with point 3.

What are the arrangements, have you spoken to him about DS2 at all?

I would text/call and say it's great you and DS1 have this shared interest, but it shouldn't come at the cost of DS2.... he either needs to come too (although not sporty he might enjoy it, given the chance), or have alternate time with his Dad.

And as for the lunch, tell him to cater for the children as you do when they are in your care. If he asks you to provide DS1 with a packed lunch, just say he can make it before he comes, or buy something on the way.

I know friends who have recently separated find the inability to have one on one time with the children a big negative from the split. It's either all or nothing, as they share custody, and the parents never get one on one time, and the children never get a break from each other either.

YABU
A shared interest is wonderful. Your son has lost his dad's presence in his home and in much of his life. It is so very important that he has this.

DS2 is still perhaps a bit young. He will develop his own relationship with his dad but that will take time and flexibility on the part of both parents

The kids are not yours alone. They are just as much your exDH's

The more you do to encourage this and to enable your ex to enjoy both his boys in ways that work for them, (not you), the better.

"your" weekend with the boys does not mean they cannot do things they love - like listen to the radio - just because it is an interest you don't share.

This is hard for you but also for your exDH and far, far more so for your boys

Agree with others that the only valid issue is if one child isn't getting equal time etc with their parent. I don't see a problem with following and supporting a team. It's hard to be interested or passionate about a sport without naturally ending up supporting someone. It's a great way to bond too. My dad and I share a huge love of football, he took me to the old wembley, spent loads of time looking through his programmes from the 70's and I have many lovely memories of times spent together at matches. We don't get to as many now but we watch a lot of football together on TV and I love that time together, it's our thing, in the same way I have other things I share with my mum.

Yabu apart from the encroaching on ds2 time with dad. The fact that your ex also enjoys going to the sport is neither here not there. If parents find something they enjoy doing and their children enjoy it to, it's win win.

You say your son struggles when things don't go his way, this will help he deal with that.

If you are doing something that means ds can't listen to a football match, then tough he can't listen to it. Ask you ex not to tell him when matches are on, when he is with you or to back you up when you say he can't listen to it. Of you have no plans there is no problem with him listening to it Imo.

In regards to his comments that you believe its related to the sports. You and your ex need to pull him up if he is speaking inappropriately. He is a child and is probably just getting carried away.

Your ds2 missing out is the problem and that's not ok. But as for the rest of your post I do think yabu.

I don't have an ex to divide time with, he's out of the country.

I purposely take my ds to the football (and rugby sometimes) precisely to give him some kind of understanding of the game. It'll help him relate to other males in future.

Your son is 8, perfect age to watch sports. Your 5 yo, perhaps not so much. Maybe in a couple of years he too will want to go with his dad and brother.

Your ex does need to be mindful of the inequality between the 2 dc here, if you are able to raise this calmly, do so.

If not, just use the time you have with ds2 to ensure he gets quality alone time with you. That is just as important tbh.

Hate to say it, but I thoroughly agree with all pp. In particular, that ex should be making arrangements for ds2 on his time, so either taking him along with a dsi/iPad, or taking him to gps? But as for the supporting a team thing, I was brought up as a staunch supporter of one of the teams with the biggest and nastiest sectarian divide out there. I witnessed violence, heard atrocious bigoted and sectarian slurs from a young age. I haven't grown up to be a bigot, I abhor violence, and in fact joined the police force. I'm a responsible member of society. Because I was taught values. But guess what? I still love my team! So you can support a team and not be influenced negatively.

You should let ds enjoy his sport, and time with his father. Just possibly speak to ex re ds2, and try to make him see that the current set up is unfair, and he has to rectify that.

So is it once a week he takes DS1 to the sports events? And he sees DS2 every day before and after school? Yabu. Massively.

And just because you dont see the point of supporting a sports team means nothing. DS is not you

Yanbu, to me.

I had a season ticket for Rangers FC from the age of 5, I loved going to the games with my Dad every week and following them around the country too.

I attended my first old firm game when I was 8, my Mum was livid but I still remember how amazing the atmosphere was!

If DS enjoys it then leave them to it, I loved having that time with my Dad and I really did love the sport/team element too. Infact I only gave up my ticket when DP and I moved away and had DC's when I was 19!

YABU.

I think you need to ask him what he plans to do to give DS2 equal time and attention. It's not an unusual problem and ought to be possible to sort out. When my children were little, DH and DS1 and 2 shared a common interest in a couple of fairly stereotypical male pursuits and he would quite often take them to places and events for that purpose; sometimes DD and I would go with them, at other times she would stay with me and I enjoyed the opportunity to do mum and daughter things with her. But at other times DH specifically made the effort to take her out to somewhere that interested her, and it really helped the bond between them; or we would, together or separately, both aim to do something that interested all three. That sort of balance is what your ex should be aiming at.

You chose to have a child with a sports fan. This is the result.

I dislike sport and hate football. The men in my life have zero interest in sport.

YABVU.

Your ex does need to include his younger ds, and if that ends up being hard work for him because your ds2 isn't enjoying it then he will find another arrangement himself, but it would be incredibly unfair of you to try and stop the father son football arrangements. You have no right to do that.

Massive YABU I'm afraid.

Point 3 might prove to be valid, but you can't even judge that for another 12-18 months as 5 is probably still a little early to call if he's sporty or not.

In terms of being "bored" by the football on the radio, that's on you and you've got to deal with it, not even as if you'd need to listen intently, it's pretty obvious when there is a goal etc so you'd be able to give the impression you were listening. Radio listening is good for vocabulary as well, much more so than watching on TV

Stunned that people would think 8 is too early to be following a team closely, these are the best years of being a sports fan. Yes you need to make sure he realises it's only a game, but I'd much rather have children who were too passionate about an interest than apathetic to everything

YABU
Unless it involves hooliganism, its perfectly fine and really old enough.

I can't understand slavish devotion to a team with which you have absolutely no affiliation, and it would drive me crazy if my husband were passing this onto my kids.

Particularly point 3, which seems to be pretty common among the more fanatical football fans.

I live near the Chelsea stadium. It's grim.

As the others have said YABU about some of it. It does sound like there are some major issues with your ex favouring one child over the other though which need addressing. Has he tried taking the youngest with him? We have been taking DS to watch local football matches since he was tiny. When he was too young to really follow the match he would take a book, or colouring stuff, or little toys with him to keep him occupied. Is that not an option for your ex?

I do also agree with you about the behaviour of fans at football. I love football, but hate the culture where it seems to be acceptable to shout abuse at opposition fans/players/referee. I think DC are more likely to be influenced by the behaviour of the adults in their lives though, rather than what they see for a couple of hours a week at a football match.