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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wanting to enjoy my retirement without being made to feel guilty

70 replies

retiredteacher · 19/04/2015 18:33

Hello good evening all. I do hope I am allowed to post here, my daughter is 32 so I'm worried I maybe too old but when I googled if I was being unreasonable this showed up. Am I allowed to post here if my child is an adult?

I'm just becoming increasingly upset with my daughter, I worked for over 20 years in a very demanding and stressful job (teaching in a secondary) and took early retirement to enjoy however long I have left.

My daughter can't seem to just be happy for me, I can't share my holiday experiences or samples for the new kitchen as she just turns green eyed. I really do have sympathy that she can't afford to get on the ladder or have as many abroad holidays but I did work hard for all this and quite frankly I deserve to enjoy my retirement with out being guilted.

Does anyone else have issues with their grown child on this? Any tips to help resolve would be nice. Thanks, Rose

OP posts:

Satsumafairy · 19/04/2015 18:35

I feel for you! That's so unfair. You deserve to enjoy your retirement!

formerbabe · 19/04/2015 18:37

she can't afford to get on the ladder or have as many abroad holidays but I did work hard for all this

Getting on the housing ladder nowadays is really not as simple as 'working hard' for it.

Vycount · 19/04/2015 18:40

Whether or not your daughter can afford to get on the ladder is neither here nor there. A loving daughter should be happy for you. I wish my Mum had been able to retire early and enjoy herself when she was younger and more healthy!
I think you probably need to sit her down and calmly explain that this constant pissing on your chips is starting to really depress you so please could she stop and start to be happy for you.

maroonedwithfour · 19/04/2015 18:40

The thing is its so different for this generation. Working hard is not enough. That of course doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy retirement but prehaps don't share too much.

rookiemere · 19/04/2015 18:41

I'm glad you are enjoying your retirement.

However things don't look so good for the younger generation. Your DD will be lucky if she can afford to retire at your age, and if she does is unlikely to have enough of a pension to be doing up her house and taking foreign holidays.

My parents also seem to believe that they worked very hard for what they have - indeed they did, but they also happened to be lucky to be born in an era with good pensions and affordable house prices.

I would find someone else to discuss your kitchen designs and holiday plans with and have other conversations with your DD.

LePetitMarseillais · 19/04/2015 18:42

I think you need to look at it from her point of view.

She'll be working into her dotage however stressful her job is,she'll be working hard for years but like all her generation won't have a decent retirement and it is highly likely she'll never own her own home.

Having your daughter understandably not being keen to fawn over your kitchen samples or holidays isn't exactly a hardship.Sorry to be harsh but it's a lot less of a hardship than the future many youngsters will be facing.

maroonedwithfour · 19/04/2015 18:42

Look at it this way, if your dd was a friend, would you keep mentioning going on holidays, new kitchen when you know they are jealous?

ImNameyChangey · 19/04/2015 18:43

I'm only 42 and have worked for 25 years. I'm not anywhere NEAR retiring. YABU. Working hard doesn't mean you get much at all these days. Be more sensitive.

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 19/04/2015 18:43

My daughter can't seem to just be happy for me, I can't share my holiday experiences or samples for the new kitchen as she just turns green eyed

I suggest changing your conversation topics. Hearing about other people's holidays is generally v boring (I'm assuming you aren't climbing Everest or something genuinely exciting to hear about) at the best of times, doubly so if you are financially struggling. Why would she want to see your kitchen samples?? I would barely be interested in my own kitchen samples! By all means enjoy your retirement, but be sensitive about what you discuss with your daughter, as it sounds like she is having a tough time financially.

ShowYourVeracity · 19/04/2015 18:45

I wonder about having a bit of a thought experiment about whether, if you had a friend who couldn't afford all the nice things you have, you would have the same conversations with them and expect them to "just be happy for you".

I have to say if I was in your situation (and I may one day be, to a lesser extent) I would prefer to spend my money on helping my daughter than yet another holiday or kitchen and I know my DH feels the same.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2015 18:45

Ohmymg · 19/04/2015 18:46

My mum is retiring in July aged 63, she has worked since she was 15. I couldn't be happier for her.

I appreciate all she has done for me and my brother and our kids. I think it's sad that your daughter can't share your happiness

LineRunner · 19/04/2015 18:47

Twenty years and you took early retirement on a presumably well paid pension? You surely must have prior years?

OurGlass · 19/04/2015 18:47

Andrewofgg · 19/04/2015 18:50

Don't rub her nose in it, but enjoy your retirement.

It's easy for her generation to envy ours (I'm guessing we are about the same age) but we did not set out to shaft anyone and it is preposterous to treat us as if we were all in one vast conspiracy.

Looking forward to joining you in about two years from now!

pieceofpurplesky · 19/04/2015 18:51

I work hard too as a secondary school teacher. I, however, will have to work until I am 68 to get a pension that will be worth considerably less than yours in real terms. I have not had a pay rise in line with coat of living for five years and have a considerable mortgage as houses will no doubt have been more expensive now than when you bought yours - your daughter even more so.
My parents sound just like you and it really does piss me off. They don't seem to grasp how difficult things are financially - yes they worked hard but both retired at 58 and have enjoyed a long and healthy retirement (that I don't begrudge them one bit) - what annoys me is the lack of empathy that it is bloody hard and there is no end to it. If I survive a secondary school teaching career until I am 68 then I will probably be too knackered to enjoy the benefits .. Give your daughter a break. Perhaps help her out?

chanie44 · 19/04/2015 18:51

OP I don't for one minute think you haven't worked hard and shouldn't enjoy you retirement.

However, as a member of the younger generation, I have to manage uni tuition fees, high housing costs and having to work much longer for my pension.

BestZebbie · 19/04/2015 18:52

If your daughter is 32 then presumably she will have already been working for about 10 years herself? Is she going to be in a position to give up work, decorate a (presumably therefore owned) house and go on foreign holidays in another decade? If not, probably you should show a little more tact towards her feelings. :/

AnyFucker · 19/04/2015 18:52

reverse thread, surely ?

expatinscotland · 19/04/2015 18:52

I don't understand why you wouldn't want to help her out? I couldn't enjoy it if it weren't shared.

nequidnimis · 19/04/2015 18:53

I can see how, if you're excited about something, you would want to share it with your DD.

And I think that most DDs, no matter what their own financial position is like, would be pleased and not jealous.

Whilst you would be sensitive about discussing such things with a friend, it's unusual to have to filter what you say to your child.

But, given that you now know that she's jealous, I think you need to discuss different things.

Are you sure it's jealousy though, and not the fact that you are so wrapped up in your life that you never show any interest in her's? Could she have problems she'd like to discuss, or need some support?

80sMum · 19/04/2015 18:53

If you have a pension from Teachers' Pensions OP then you are lucky indeed, as it is of the defined benefits, index-linked, 'gold-plated' variety that very few people have access to nowadays (mostly only the public sector now).

If your DD envies you your freedom from work and your generous pension, it's probably because she feels she will never have the good fortune to be in the same position as you are now. I would hold back on discussions about kitchens and holidays if I were you, as they are probably only rubbing salt into the wound.

Fleecyleesy · 19/04/2015 18:53

Yanbu to spend your money how you wish but you must be able to see that it is insensitive in the extreme to continually discuss things that (to your daughter) are out of reach when she is unable to buy a home. Many parents help their dc get onto the property ladder so perhaps your daughter has friends like that and feels understandably envious.

I would find something to discuss that is not dependent on money.

expatinscotland · 19/04/2015 18:54

Most likely, AF, or, well, you know.

maroonedwithfour · 19/04/2015 18:54

I don't understand why you wouldn't want to help her out? I couldn't enjoy it if it weren't shared.

Op hasn't said she doesn't help dd out? Do you help dd op?

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