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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wanting to enjoy my retirement without being made to feel guilty

70 replies

retiredteacher · 19/04/2015 18:33

Hello good evening all. I do hope I am allowed to post here, my daughter is 32 so I'm worried I maybe too old but when I googled if I was being unreasonable this showed up. Am I allowed to post here if my child is an adult?

I'm just becoming increasingly upset with my daughter, I worked for over 20 years in a very demanding and stressful job (teaching in a secondary) and took early retirement to enjoy however long I have left.

My daughter can't seem to just be happy for me, I can't share my holiday experiences or samples for the new kitchen as she just turns green eyed. I really do have sympathy that she can't afford to get on the ladder or have as many abroad holidays but I did work hard for all this and quite frankly I deserve to enjoy my retirement with out being guilted.

Does anyone else have issues with their grown child on this? Any tips to help resolve would be nice. Thanks, Rose

OP posts:

whatlifestylechoice · 19/04/2015 19:44

Um, do we know the OP hasn't helped her daughter financially?

I don't think YABU, Op. My parents are also retired teachers, have a nice house, took early retirement, and go on lots of holidays abroad. They have also helped me out financially and otherwise quite a bit. We joke about their cushy lifestyle and sending our inheritance but I would be very disappointed n myself if I was ever jealous of them.
They have worked very hard, as I am working hard, and are lucky enough now to be able to reap the benefits. More power to them.
I have a different life and will retire a lot later than them, but that's the luck of the draw. I am happy for them as I am happy for my friends that are better off than me. I recently had a friend f mine showing off his new car that he pad 26k for. My car is an old banger that I splashed out 3k for. So what?
Jealousy and resentment are horrible emotions and make happiness Impossible.

thekidsinheritance · 19/04/2015 19:51

life was always difficult for some. always will be sadly.
couldn't you investigate equity release and give your dd a help up on the housing ladder?
if your pension is adequate, the lump sum would help you both.
you would still have your home, and help dd at the same time?
just a thought.

magimedi · 19/04/2015 19:57

Interesting first post.

Marynary · 19/04/2015 20:02

My parents retired in their 50s and are now in their 70s and have quite a rich lifestyle with two houses lots of holidays abroad etc. I have always been happy for them but thinking about it, it would get on my nerves if they went on about how they had worked hard for it etc as that does imply that those who can't do the same just didn't work hard enough.

ilovesooty · 19/04/2015 20:03

A lot of equity release schemes are scams. I don't think the OP has any obligation to provide her daughter with financial assistance unless she's struggling really badly. However I really think she should be sensitive to the fact that her daughter isn't going to be very interested in her holiday and house improvement plans.
I also don't see how all this can be affordable on a 20 year based teacher's pension. There must be some other income somewhere.

80sMum · 19/04/2015 20:05

Lara2 Teachers' Pensions are indeed 'gold-plated' compared with any defined contributions scheme! £11k may not seem a lot, but that £11k will be index-linked - and as you're presumably in the old scheme you will get a tax-free lump sum on retirement as well.

For anyone in a defined contribution scheme, in order to get an equivalent retirement they would need to have saved at least £500k into their pension pot. That pension pot would have had to be invested in stocks, shares and funds that are vulnerable to falls in the market, so the person would never have been certain of how much pension they might get - until the day they use the fund to buy an annuity.

With TP, as with any defined benefit scheme, you can plan ahead. You know what you will receive in retirement years in advance and it is guaranteed.

The contributions from the employer are very generous; something along the lines of 14% from employer, 8% from employee.

Those are the features that make TP 'gold-plated.' The actual amount of the pension received on retirement of course depends on the number of years of service, whether one worked full or part-time and the salary earned during the years of employment.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 19/04/2015 20:17

magimedi naughty, naughty!
I will likely get slapped wrists too

Middlerose · 19/04/2015 20:19

Poor OP, I imagine she has been scared off MN for life after her innocent first post!

OP, if you are still here, AIBU is by far the worst board on MN. You'll find nicer people in 'chat'.

(Not saying that all posters were rude btw)

AnyFucker · 19/04/2015 20:22

"innocent first post"

ya think ?

Bowlersarm · 19/04/2015 20:23

YANBU, of course you aren't.

Your dd should be happy for you. It reflects badly on her that she is resentful.

LineRunner · 19/04/2015 20:24

So how much would the OP be on then, pension wise? 20 years, recently retired?

Patapouf · 19/04/2015 20:29

Bogeyface · 19/04/2015 20:32

Middle who has not been "nice"?

If you mean that a lot of people are saying the OP is BU, then surely that just indicates she needs to think about how she is coming across when she talks to her DD and whether she needs to be more sensitive and empathetic.

In fact I would say that for AIBU, this has been very nice!

Bogeyface · 19/04/2015 20:33

It could well be that she has an inheritance which has bumped her savings up, in which case that could indicate why there is so much bitterness.

Hardly working hard for it if you inherited a nice fat sum.....

bigTillyMint · 19/04/2015 20:33

OP it does sound like you are being a bit insensitive, and perhaps your DD is being a bit jealous.

My DM retired (as a teacher), aged 56, the same time that I started working (as a teacher) - 28 years ago. I have 6 years to go to 56, but I won't be able to retire then!

I don't think I have ever felt jealous of her, but I am lucky to have got a foot on the property ladder when it was still possible to save up for a deposit. I am very aware ghat my DC are unlikely to be able to afford to buy a place unless we can give them a leg up, and then definitely not near where we live, in London

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 19/04/2015 20:34

Person A has worked over 20 years and is now enjoying a comfortable retirement.

Person B is still working full time and can't afford to buy her first home and will most likely need to work till she is 73 before retirement.

Is person A being unreasonable expecting person b to enjoy hearing about her fab holidays and beautiful new kitchen.

Yes you are being unreasonable.

SanctimoniousItches · 19/04/2015 20:38

Is your daughter going through a tough time?

I'm ashamed to say that I did go through a phase of thinking 'hrmmph, what would my parents know, they had it easy" . They had their own problems along the way I'm sure but it seemed like their lives were simpler and more comfortable to me so I felt that my mum had no right to comment on the bumpier road my life seemed to have taken. So, I don't know why people think that the OP has done a reverse thread or that her first post is interesting. She said she was new.

awfulomission · 19/04/2015 20:39

Mm. I think only 20 years on the job sounds a bit short. My dm had 30 odd plus a small widow's pension and she's certainly not got that much.

Momagain1 · 19/04/2015 20:39

also don't see how all this can be affordable on a 20 year based teacher's pension. There must be some other income somewhere

Maybe she bought her council house? Or DD's dad was involved in OP's life at some point enough that she ended up owning a house. Or at the time she bought, the area was super cheap compared to now.

Or some combination of all the above.

morethanpotatoprints · 19/04/2015 20:46

who would google to see if they were being unreasonable?

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