Wanting to enjoy my retirement without being made to feel guilty

[retiredteacher]

Hello good evening all. I do hope I am allowed to post here, my daughter is 32 so I'm worried I maybe too old but when I googled if I was being unreasonable this showed up. Am I allowed to post here if my child is an adult?

I'm just becoming increasingly upset with my daughter, I worked for over 20 years in a very demanding and stressful job (teaching in a secondary) and took early retirement to enjoy however long I have left.

My daughter can't seem to just be happy for me, I can't share my holiday experiences or samples for the new kitchen as she just turns green eyed. I really do have sympathy that she can't afford to get on the ladder or have as many abroad holidays but I did work hard for all this and quite frankly I deserve to enjoy my retirement with out being guilted.

Does anyone else have issues with their grown child on this? Any tips to help resolve would be nice. Thanks, Rose

Anyfucker - I'm not sure this is a reverse. I know plenty of people of the older generation who have no idea what it's like out there for the younger generation.

If I look at my own social circle, it is full of hard working, professional people with good careers. Not a single one of them has managed to get onto the property ladder without help from their family of some sort.

I'm recently retired from teaching too. I consider myself exceptionally lucky to have the generous pension that I do and I know my children won't be nearly so fortunate. I try to share my financial good fortune with them as much as possible.

Hello and welcome. Of course you're allowed here. You'll get opinions both that you're reasonable and unreasonable, and some fence-sitters. It sort of depends how much you've done already, and what you are hoping for from your daughter as time goes by.

We've had threads along the lines of "my mum won't help me when I need it, AIBU to be resentful" and they have had responses along the lines of that yes, her time and money is her own. But you reap what you sow, so it's a balance. It's not good for anyone to be handed everything they need on a plate without having to work hard, so if your dd is workshy and hoping that you will step in and save her from having to make any effort, then yanbu.

If she's at the end of her tether working so hard she could break, and in danger of bankruptcy despite doing everything she reasonably could to keep afloat, and you are swanning off on holiday when you could be rescuing your grandchildren (not mentioned, maybe none yet?) from homelessness, then yabu - and could quite reasonably expect to be abandoned in a horrible nursing home and never visited in your final years.

Reality is probably between these two unrealistic extremes, so I'll be a fence sitter and say that it's right for parents to give a little support to their adult offspring, only within reason and only if they are working hard to help themselves and showing good financial management, to help them overcome the worst of the bumps and troughs of the tough parts of life, and take advantage of opportunities that will reap hugely beneficial rewards - because you can't take it with you, and our best approximation of immortality is that our descendants thrive and prosper (and hopefully remember us kindly). But despite this you have every right to enjoy the fruits of your labours and enjoy your retirement, and she has no right to live in ease and luxury without that striving, so you shouldn't be handing over large sums to your own significant detriment either.

It's a shame for you but you are v lucky. Nowadays it wouldn't be possible to take early retirement from an average job and enjoy such a lifestyle. Your daughter will probably be working another 20 years on you and maybe at the moment she's working really hard probably for high housing costs and childcare and might be a bit fed up. She should be happy for you of course but Maybe she's a bit fed up. Maybe she secretly wants a bit of childcare help

jealousy is a playground emotion, and just makes the jealous person unhappy. Is there some backstory why your daughter is unable to be happy for you?

perhaps time for an adult chat. You are not at all compelled to give her any financial or other help; you do that when she is younger with a happy, secure upbringing, education etc etc. But if you think this relationship is worth rescuing, invite some frank talking.

I'd want to plan a holiday with her not just tell her about my ones!
Maybe get something for her kitchen too?

And I do think there's a big problem where the lucky ones from the boomer generation, or indeed anyone who's life journey has been relatively smooth and trouble free, feel that they "worked hard" for what they have - and invariably over-look how fortunate/lucky they've been too

Yes she should be happy for you but yes she will have it so much harder then you.

Follow this link

blogs.thisismoney.co.uk/2010/04/house-prices-vs-average-earnings.html

This is a thread about baby boomers and their children isn't it?

But for what reason?

What the others have said .... I think you need to be more aware of 'how it is' for many of your daughter's generation now. I hope you don't tell her that you've 'worked hard' for what you have because that sort of remark can carry the suggestion that, by contrast, she hasn't or isn't working hard (enough) and therefore she only has herself to 'blame' for not having the same as you do. Your post wasn't detailed enough to confirm whether you have been tactless but unfortunately many people in relatively fortunate positions like yourself ('early' retirement, reasonable pension) just don't seem to appreciate how much things have changed and how the difficult and soul destroying financial situations many people are now in has nothing to do with a lack of hard work and lots to do with not being born in a more fortuitous time.

Of course, neither was it your 'fault' you were born in an era when there were (generally) better opportunities to buy property and obtain a decent pension - with all the knock on benefits those entail. No-one's suggesting you acted immorally or weren't a conscientious worker. And of course it's entirely natural to want to chat about what you've been up to, how you're occupying your time and so on. You just need to be sensitive about it and perhaps a little more circumspect ? There are a number of older relatives in mine and DP's close families who show a huge lack of tact when discussing their retirements ..... it's fine to chat about their holidays, not so fine IMO to insist upon telling us exactly how much their 2nd or 3rd holiday of the year cost and how much a 'bargain' that was when they know our finances don't permit holidays of any description. Ditto silly monologues (on a depressingly regular basis) about how 'the young these days' don't know how to 'wait' for stuff etc etc., as if the ability to save for a new sofa or similar would somehow magically enable someone to get on the property ladder.

You may also find (and again, I don't know whether you do or don't do this already) your daughter is able to be more graciously inclined towards sharing your enthusiasm if you remember to acknowledge her difficulties and offer sympathy towards her position .... rather than become defensive (as in, I deserve to enjoy myself, I've worked hard etc). I think many younger people feel all but 'forgotten' by the powers that be so far as ever owning their own property, and similarly no-one seems to care that many will be working themselves into an early grave ..... hard work is NOT the answer to everything. There are only so many hours in the day, only so many jobs available, only so many well paid jobs available and in any case, why should the genuinely hard work of people in lower paid jobs deny them the opportunity of a decent home and comfortable retirement ? When your own family - the people closest to you who are 'supposed' to care - all but dismiss your worries, never refer to them, never offer any sympathy and then, to add insult to injury, effectively rub your face in it by gleefully describing their exciting, fun, enjoyable retirement in the greatest detail whilst at the same time implying you must somehow be 'lacking' because 'obviously' you can't be working 'hard enough' it can be incredibly hard to keep a civil tongue, let alone appear overjoyed at someone else's good fortune (born at right time as well as working hard).

It's all about balance and awareness of other people's feelings .....

If I look at my own social circle, it is full of hard working, professional people with good careers. Not a single one of them has managed to get onto the property ladder without help from their family of some sort.

I agree. I don't know a single person of my generation who bought who has not had a deposit gifted or free board at home so they can save up or a lot of help with childcare.

I think a lot of the older generation don't have a clue (including my retired 60 yr old parents who own 3 properties outright with my mum never working and my dad on below average wages)

I'm afraid that I think you are being a little unreasonable too.

You have worked for 20 years before retiring, I got 20 years in before I was 40, I got my first job at 16. 20 years isnt a long career, certainly not in todays terms when giving up work to be a SAHM is a luxury not a given.

My parents are only now realising that "just work harder" isnt in fact the solution to high housing costs, low wages, high childcare costs, high unemployment and increased costs of living. It took my husbands redundancy and the subsequent struggle to find work, ending in him on a zero hours contract on minimum wage in a warehouse, despite him being a qualified professional, for them to realise just how difficult and precarious life is for many people of my generation.

They bought their home when it was feasible to do that on one average wage, it has increased in value 6 fold, that has nothing to do with hard work and everything to do with luck. They are now enjoying a very comfortable retirement that started at 63, I will be lucky to retire at 73!

I dont begrudge them but there are times when I feel that they dont get that it isnt as easy now as it used to be. I dont expect them to give it all away and live month to month on a pittance, I want them to enjoy their good luck, but I would just like them to remember that not everyone is that lucky.

Enjoy your retirement but try to be a bit more sensitive to the fact that our generation is the first to be poorer in real terms than the preceding one. You won the lottery of life in that your generation is the richest one there has ever been and is ever likely to be, at least for a good few years yet, perhaps you could try and remember that when your DD is struggling.

My parents took early retirement and enjoy themselves. When I recently and very unexpectedly lost my job they offered to help me and my family out financially but I wouldn't dream of accepting if it meant they had to curtail their retirement plans. They worked hard to stay afloat when we were young. Dad having 2 jobs working 16 hours plus some days, in manufacturing so no great public sector pension. However, when they now book holidays make plans to change their home etc. I'm as enthusiastic as them. Your daughter needs to let you enjoy your retirement. Yes it may be financially hard now but that's not your problem! Enjoy your retirement

I think you are both bu.

I am late 30s and own my own property. I am married and have 2 children. The fact that I own my own property is down to some luck and forward thinking. I could have gone to uni, but I would have had to get loans. I started work at 18 and got my first mortgage. House prices were rising and I made the decision to buy quickly. House prices then flew up. My dbro who is older and bought a year and a bit later has no chance of paying his mortgage off early. Since I got in earlier, I have managed to pay my mortgage off due to the rise of house prices, a couple of house moves and saving every penny to make over payments. So partially at people like dbros expense, if you look at it a certain way. It has nothing to do with being a harder worker, though I would argue I am alot more financially aware than he is. But he has no hope of paying off early, because he wasn't ready to buy when I was. That year made a huge difference.

I would never start showing off to him about what I can not have as I don't have have a mortgage. Yes he is older and was working when I bought and could have done the same, but I still wouldn't want him to feel like I was showing off or rubbing his face in it.

For you, I understand you are excited and should be able to share. But you come from a completely different time and economy. She is unlikely to be able to get her own home, not because she works less hard, because the housing market is screwed up. She should be happy for you, but you should be more aware of her feelings.

By the time I retire i will have worked approx 50 years. 20 years isn't that long really, she could work 50 years and not be able to have half of what you have. And its difficult to see. I am in the middle. I have a mortgage free home, its small and not extravagant but its home. But I get pissed off when mums says things like 'we got along fine without a car' yes she did, because kids always got places at local schools and local jobs. There are no local jobs here. Me and dh work for ourselves and have to travel all over for meetings, which would cost a fortune in trains, buses and taxis. The kids schools are a few miles away with no direct bus route. I could walk in about 45 mins each way. I don't have time to spend 1.5hrs and the same on an afternoon to do the school run.

She should be happy for you, but you need to be more understanding of her pov too.

I hope I explained myself well. Will prob get flammed for having no mortgage too.

Actually the more I think about it the less I believe that you can retire comfortably after just 20 years in the public sector even as a boomer.

i am stuck in negative or no equity - need to save a deposit plus selling and buying costs while paying childcare etc etc before I can think of moving- my dp are semi retired and still on £4k a month in pension, earnings and rental income, mortgage free in a 4 bed detached house worth £400k that they bought for £30k and a mortgage free rental worth £200k which they bought for £20k, they have cash in the bank and savings etc but I would never be jealous of their new things or holidays etc - they worked v hard for it.

Is suspect OP went back to work in that job for 20 years, not that she has only worked 20 years in her life? Either did something else or was at home before then? Not certain with teaching but you can choose to pay large amounts of your salary into pension if you want to retire early in my company (private pension) I have a co worker in this 50s who pays 10% matched with 6% so he can retire sooner

This is pretty obviously a reverse. Nobody would really be confused about the fact that their daughter doesn't seem to agree that they have "worked hard" for their retirement if they only did 20 years! That said, it would be nice if "your daughter" was happy that you are so fortunate.

No offence maddening but they didn't work very hard to make £550k on property did they? They just lived there/ sat on it.

I'm very lucky that my parents always put the financial security of myself and my siblings before their own frivolous treats. Myself and siblings have worked since 16 and always supported ourselves EXCEPT for deposits for homes which our parents generously helped with. I wouldn't accept other help from them but they would love to help more and would always, always prefer to secure our futures rather than fritter their money away. We are a family we help each other. I think YABU and sound so selfish.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I'm quite a few years younger than your daughter and my dad and stepmom have been retired for a few years.
They are enjoying a very relaxing life and I have years of work and child rearing ahead of me but there has not been one second where I have felt envious.
My dad goes on holidays amounting to about ten weeks or more a year and I am still not jealous!
They have both worked, reared kids and now it's their time to reap the fruits of their labour.
My mum and parents in law still work but are likely to retire with pensions in to the millions.
Still there is no way I am remotely jealous!
They have worked tirelessly and I hope they enjoy their money.
I don't live a lavish lifestyle but am really thankful for what I do have.
I can't stand people who focus on what others have and become jealous particularly towards their parents!
Your daughter needs to grow up and be happy for you.

Mountainofdreams - well said.

'I can't stand people who focus on what others have and become jealous particularly towards their parents!
Your daughter needs to grow up and be happy for you.'

How on earth do you have a pension that enables you to retire early and do up your house and go on holidays after only 20 years of teaching OP?
I've been teaching for nearly 30 years (no breaks) and there's no way I can afford to retire early. Despite the fact that some people think teachers have 'gold-plated' pensions - if I retire in 2 years time at 55, my pension will pay me about 11K a year. Hardly gold-plated or the stuff of dreams. So I will be working well into my 60's - and your DD (as other posters have said) will probably have to work for longer. Try and be a little more sensitive.

It sounds a bit as if you are rubbing her nose in it, whether it's intentional not. Maybe hold back on going on so much about holidays and kitchens if she can't even afford to buy her own place.