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AIBU?

To think that friendships with other mums from school just aren't worth it?

77 replies

FrameMe · 19/04/2015 12:01

Maybe I have just had bad experiences but I have decided that it just isn't worth having friendships with other mums from school anymore.

I have 3 DCs and there have been various things over the years at school that have made me think that close friendships with other mums just are not worth the hassle, but now there is a big thing and it's made me decide once and for all.

Youngest child is year 2. About a month after he had started in reception, the mum of another child in his class decided that she didn't like me due to the fact that my son had started to play with a friend of her son. She is a very loud, very pushy and intimidating, and goes around from person to person at school collection times bitching and gossiping. I think she is the kind of person that people don't like but because she is basically a bully they all just go along with things.

As a result of her not liking me, a lot of other mums have never really had much to do with me. If I chat to any of them they are quite offhand with me and act like they're scared to have too much to do with me. They are all very friendly with this other mum though. At parties they all sit with her. She is rude and intimidating to the teachers but they all let her get away with her behaviour, and she is always in the school helping out at things, and on the PTA, so I cannot help out at any of those things as she'll be unpleasant.

I eventually became friends with a group of 5 other mums that she didn't seem to have much to do with, and they all know about how she doesn't like me as she has made no secret of this when speaking to them, and also because I've told them about her behaviour towards me. However she has now started to try to become best friends with them too. I have always stood with them at school collection and now most days she is there with them before I get there, and if I stand with them she starts making comments about me or about there being a 'funny smell' where I am standing. No one says anything to her, they just all smile. She has also barged into me several times when I've been standing with my friends at pick up, to push me out the way to stand with them all. And now I've found that she is having a big coffee morning next week and has invited all my friends, plus loads of other mums.

So anyway, I have decided that it just isn't worth the hassle being friends with any mums from school. I will still be polite to everyone and have DS's friends round to play, but I'm not going to pursue friendships any longer at the school. Luckily I have lovely friends that I've known for ages, as well as lovely work colleagues that I often socialise with.

Does anyone else not bother making friends with other school mums?

OP posts:
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Meechimoo · 19/04/2015 12:08

Some of them revert back to teenage behaviour in the playground. It's a music to watch unless you're the butt of it.
I talk to people at school but am very wary of forging actual friendships after a few 'frenemy' experiences in the past.

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gamerchick · 19/04/2015 12:09

I don't... I decided a long time ago I can't be arsed with playground politics.

I wouldn't tolerate the actual bullying though... Why do you take it? Call her out politely each time she makes a comment or barges into you and stay calm while she makes a tit out of herself.

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Meechimoo · 19/04/2015 12:09

amusing to watch not a music to watch, stupid predictive text

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Stanky · 19/04/2015 12:09

I don't really bother tbh. I have a couple of friends there, but I know them outside of school any way. That other mum does sound awful, she also sounds about 12 years old. To some people just never grow out of this nonsense? How pathetic. At least you have some great friends any way, you really don't need to waste energy with those other school mums.

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exLtEveDallasNoBollocks · 19/04/2015 12:11

I've made 'acquaintances' rather than friends. People I know well enough to say hello to, and maybe enquire about their weekend, but not people I would socialise or become close to.

Similar reasons to you (without the pathetic bullying you seem to be experiencing) in that one mum I did become closer to has become awkward to be around since our DDs stopped playing together. I avoid her now tbh because I never know what to say to her (her DD is slightly manipulative and I've had to counsel DD to keep her distance a bit). By standing back I could observe all the game playing and the obvious cliques and I resolved not to be a part of it.

Before I went back to work I would avoid the cliques by turning up close to start/finish times and always play a game on my phone when I am waiting. It means I am doing something, not looking 'lonely' and I am removed from any drama/comments - but by the same token can stop if anyone approaches me.

Now I'm back at work DH does the school run again and watches it all with amusement - but no one bothers him!

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TaliZorahVasNormandy · 19/04/2015 12:12

I dont have school mum friends as they often so cliquey and bitchy. I'm friendly to them but that is as far as I go with them.

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NotNob · 19/04/2015 12:14

OP Flowers

She sounds vile and a bully. Have you considered reporting her? What a terrible example to be setting the children.

I only have a couple of friends at school as I'm quite a private person and can't be bothered with politics. Are there any mums you are close to who you could confide in who could perhaps be there for you on school grounds for moral support?

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TheSconeOfStone · 19/04/2015 12:19

I don't fit in with any of the groups who are either SAHM or very part time and/or in various close knit church groups and/or ESL and stick with their own cultural groups. i have lots of people I get on well enough with, volunteer when work allows. Can't join PTA or governers because they meet in day time when I'm at work. I'd really like to be part of a school community but it's not happened. From the bits of gossip I do pick up on there is bitchiness and cliques so maybe I'm lucky not to be part of it.

Luckily I have friends from baby group days who are scattered amongst lots of schools. Love to meet up on weekends and holidays and the DCs all play still without any school competitiveness coming in to it.

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IdaClair · 19/04/2015 12:21

Stop with the 'school mums' thing and start looking at them as people, real people, who may just happen to have children of a similar age. You may or may not hit it off with any individual but you certainly won't if you don't try or decide that they are all women, or all bitches.

Equally trying is not compulsory. But parents at the school gates are not a homogeneous mass. You're there, aren't you?

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YesAnastasia · 19/04/2015 12:22

I hate this kind of shit. If I were another of those mums I'd make a stand against her. I'd have your back.

I'm a people pleaser & have a pathological need for everyone to like me so this would be my worst nightmare. Are you confident enough to confront her?

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anotherdayanothersquabble · 19/04/2015 12:26

Oh my goodness. Someone should tell this woman to behave!! Next time,

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Isthatwhatdemonsdo · 19/04/2015 12:27

My children are grown up now.I work in a school and I never had friendships with the school mums. I was quite happy to stand in the playground by myself at pick up time. I'd be polite and say hello, but that was it.

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anotherdayanothersquabble · 19/04/2015 12:27

be brave!! Say, God, you are unspeakably rude!!

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Satsumafairy · 19/04/2015 12:27

Meechimoo has it exactly. I sympathise with you enormously. I fell out with the "queen bee" at Dd's school and was similarly shunned by people who were previously friendly with me. It put me off entirely and i am so thankful Dd goes to and from school on her own now. It's very weird, I literally never had a big falling out with anyone before this but 2 other friends of mine that live in other parts of the country have had similar experiences.

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IFinishedTheBiscuits · 19/04/2015 12:30

Oh my goodness, WTF is wrong with her?? I've been on the receiving end at previous school where it was made clear to me that I'd always be the outsider due to Queen Bee being good friends with DH's stepsister. That's a whole different story and we hadn't done anything wrong and I found out about parties everyone but my son was invited to. It was bloody horrible, I stood on my own every single day.
The smell comment is just pathetic, I'd come and take her on myself if I could. Flowers

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tictactoad · 19/04/2015 12:30

I came to the same conclusion back in the day, OP. On the plus side your youngest is in Year 2 with less than a term to go until juniors. Once my youngest was in juniors I dropped all three at the back gate in the morning and got the older two to wait for youngest after school. They all then walked down together to meet me off the premises.

Did wonders for my blood pressure.

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Satsumafairy · 19/04/2015 12:31

YesAnstasia, I was exactly the same! This has been bloody awful but has cured me of that somewhat!!

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Wavyblackhair · 19/04/2015 12:33

Thanks Thanks. If I saw this woman behaving in this way to you, I would stand right next to and make sure I chatted with you and supported you. I haven't yet figured out how to handle bullies when I am on the receiving end but always make sure I support a person who is being bullied by standing with them and engaging. Keep your distance by ant means, luckily you have other friends.

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IFinishedTheBiscuits · 19/04/2015 12:33

And I think I'd actually talk to the school. How on earth are children meant to learn to be kind if they see behaviour like this from the adults? Technically speaking it's not the school's problem but they might send a message around about behaviour of adults.

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maliaki · 19/04/2015 12:34

She sounds like a shitty bully and they sound like sheep. Ignore her and them, guaranteed she'll find herself a new target out of the sheep and it will all start again. Pathetic behaviour, she's obviously lacking a lot in her own life to need to be like this,

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IFinishedTheBiscuits · 19/04/2015 12:35

Me too Wavy, no way I'd tolerate behaviour like that to someone else, I'm much better at standing up for others!

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00100001 · 19/04/2015 12:38

I just didn't bother talking to anyone. Waited outside of the school until the last minute, waited until the child came out of the door, walk in, collect child and walk straight out! [anti-social old bag]

Only spoke to parents to organise specific things such as coming over to play etc.

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Smartiepants79 · 19/04/2015 12:38

Well I've on,y just started in all this and have to say not come across it yet. The mums at my DD school all seem friendly and chatty.
I have only made what I would call friends with one of them. Early days but we have a lot in common. I work in schools so have more realistic expectations maybe.
I think having a few people you know and could perhaps ask a favour from in an emergency is useful. I don't think I could stand by and watch another parent bullied like that.

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Satsumafairy · 19/04/2015 12:39

Just an idea op, there was a girl very like this at dd's school who made fun of people and bullied them online but was very "popular". Once she bullied Dd's best friend so Dd found her at school and said to her privately "I just don't understand why you have so many friends when you are so nasty to people" and walked away. Dd said she was actually shaking as she walked away...guess what the girl is now lovely to Dd and her friend (hopefully to others too, you never know!). I don't think I could actually do that but I think quietly stating the truth to someone like that can be quite shaming.

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Damnautocorrect · 19/04/2015 12:42

I was new to the area when my eldest started reception. I tried to talk to the other mums, tried to make an effort. Was soon blanked.
I gave up, I turn up bang on the bell, it's a lonely place when your stood on your own waiting.

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