To think that friendships with other mums from school just aren't worth it?

[FrameMe]

Maybe I have just had bad experiences but I have decided that it just isn't worth having friendships with other mums from school anymore.

I have 3 DCs and there have been various things over the years at school that have made me think that close friendships with other mums just are not worth the hassle, but now there is a big thing and it's made me decide once and for all.

Youngest child is year 2. About a month after he had started in reception, the mum of another child in his class decided that she didn't like me due to the fact that my son had started to play with a friend of her son. She is a very loud, very pushy and intimidating, and goes around from person to person at school collection times bitching and gossiping. I think she is the kind of person that people don't like but because she is basically a bully they all just go along with things.

As a result of her not liking me, a lot of other mums have never really had much to do with me. If I chat to any of them they are quite offhand with me and act like they're scared to have too much to do with me. They are all very friendly with this other mum though. At parties they all sit with her. She is rude and intimidating to the teachers but they all let her get away with her behaviour, and she is always in the school helping out at things, and on the PTA, so I cannot help out at any of those things as she'll be unpleasant.

I eventually became friends with a group of 5 other mums that she didn't seem to have much to do with, and they all know about how she doesn't like me as she has made no secret of this when speaking to them, and also because I've told them about her behaviour towards me. However she has now started to try to become best friends with them too. I have always stood with them at school collection and now most days she is there with them before I get there, and if I stand with them she starts making comments about me or about there being a 'funny smell' where I am standing. No one says anything to her, they just all smile. She has also barged into me several times when I've been standing with my friends at pick up, to push me out the way to stand with them all. And now I've found that she is having a big coffee morning next week and has invited all my friends, plus loads of other mums.

So anyway, I have decided that it just isn't worth the hassle being friends with any mums from school. I will still be polite to everyone and have DS's friends round to play, but I'm not going to pursue friendships any longer at the school. Luckily I have lovely friends that I've known for ages, as well as lovely work colleagues that I often socialise with.

Does anyone else not bother making friends with other school mums?

[IFinishedTheBiscuits]

I went on a really good assertiveness course recently. If you can respond to her aggressive behaviour in an assertive way (rather than retaliating in an equally aggressive way), she'll come unstuck fairly quickly.
So things like "Why are you being so rude?", "Is there a problem?", "You seem to have a problem with me, but I don't know why?"

[Damnautocorrect]

I do think it's pretty poor of the other mums to let her be so rude to you. I hate confrontation but I think even miss mouse me, would say something.

[Cockbollocks]

If she mentions the smell again just smile and say "oh goodness you haven't trodden in anything have you?"

What a bitch.

[Theoldcauliflower]

What a nasty cow! I had problems like this , not as bad but it makes you hate the school run, I really feel for you. I'd expect this sort of behavier from the children not from one of the mothers! I mean the funny smell comment , how old is she? Totally pathetic!

[tictactoad]

Yes, should have added prior to opting out altogether I went in and out on the buzz of the bell.

This system has the added advantage you are never collared for a stall at the school fair, donations to the teacher's end of term present or for anything else someone deems you the perfect sucker.

[AggyMoo]

I didnt bother much with school playground friendships my first child (now about to start secondary school), as I was working full time and didnt do many pick ups/drop offs or have time to do 'play dates' etc.

I've been a bit more sociable with mums at Dc2's school (now in Year 1), but I was probably quite guarded (although friendly) when she was in reception as I was still trying to suss the other mums out. The result has been good. I have made one really good friend with a mum who I actually have loads in common with, and have light, maybe superficial but very amicable relationships with a big group of mums where we arrange the odd meal out together and various outings and play dates for the kids.

Thats enough for me. The merest sniff of any bitchiness or palava, and I would extricate myself sharpish. Luckily, so far so good. There are a small clique of mums who stick together and are a bit sour faced, but I smile and walk on by. Some people are very, very bored if all they have to do is create petty drama at the school gates!

This woman sounds like a pathetic character, OP. You can neither ignore or confront, I guess. I would be tempted to assert myself and say 'what IS your problem?' ...but the higher ground of ignoring and ignoring some more might work well, too. She sounds like a complete cretin.

[Dognado]

The adult thing to do would be ignore or calmly call her out on it.

The more satisfying would be to say something like 'I thought you'd be behaving now after that meeting about you'.

[AggyMoo]

*either not neither

[Purplepixiedust]

I have met some lovely people through school. There is now a small group of mums who form my support network and we will help each other out when needed, which isn't often but is great. Our kids play together when they want to but as the friendships ebb and flow we never push. If we want to meet up to chat other than at the school gate we do so at the park or over coffee or occassional evenings out. Their are perhaps 4 I now consider friends but others who would help each other out and who I can happily pass half an hour.

Ours is quite a big primary school of 400+ kids and I don't get involved in pta stuff. I have never experienced any cliquiness. I thing the size of the school helps with that as people eventually gravitate to like minded parents.

The woman you describe sounds horrible OP. I am not surprised you are fed up. But not everyone will be the same. Hopefully some of your friends will have little time for her in the long run. I would give her a wide berth.

[Scabetty]

Call her on her behaviour. I did with the foul mouthed bully mother in ds's year group when she loudly informed her clique (some of whom are very pleasant people) that the new teacher was a 'lesbo' (wtf?). I asked them if that mattered as they giggled. She ignored me and continued 'chatting shit' but a few of the others blushed. A few years later one of the mums approached me and said 'you know you were right that time .. ' .

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Some mothers never leave the play ground sadly, op. Their kids behave better.
I never made any friends. Was never part of the cliques. I' r far better things to do and will refuse point blank to have my intelligence insulted by gossipy and clique women. I just to used drop dd off and leave.

[FishCanFly]

Communication with other parents at school feels like being back at school yourself. I try to distance myself from all the nonsense. I have friends of my own.

[BlackeyedSusan]

friendships in the school playground are worth it if they are the friends youwould have in real life anyway. if they are just for the sake of it well, nice if yu can get along for the next four years or so, a vaneer of politeness if not.

[Mutley77]

Sounds awful and I really sympathise.

I hate the thought of the whole school politics things and same days feel really awkward if I don't have anyone to talk to in the playground!

However I generally just chat to anyone and then make friends with people I get on with - sometimes those happen to fall into "a group" but not necessarily and I think the whole group thing can be stressful - I've been in situations before when I'm with a group of mums and they all bitch about another one...! Basically my tried and tested method is try and stick to making individual friendships rather than worrying about groups, queen bees, etc. I have had to make more effort at my DC's second primary school as we moved here from a long distance away a couple of years ago and I had no other friends (the first school they went to was in the area I had lived for a long time and I didn't need to make friends at school). Despite casting my net wide looking for friends in our new location I have found that the school mums I have met really have become my closest friends and best support but it sounds like you don't have a need for that situation anyway...

I also help with the PTA when I can because I am more worried about my children and their school experience than I am about other mums and what they think of me or how they behave towards me.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not being involved at school if that's how you feel most comfortable.

[drinkscabinet]

I've never experienced this at school but am really just on nodding terms with the other parents, I'm only there one day a week (working the rest of the time) and have friends that I made at work or when the DC were smaller that I see outside the school pick up/drop off routine. But between work and kids we don't have that much of a social life so I don't really want a big network of friends.

[50shadesofknackered]

I don't really bother tbh, I chat to a couple of the mums there while waiting for the bell at either ends of the day. Its so cliquey, I can't stand it. I thought last year that maybe I was being anti social and stopping dd being invited to things (some of the mums I chat to regularly socialise together with their DC) so I decided I'd make more effort. I tried but it was just too much effort and I can't stand the mindless gossiping and chit chat with women who are basically trying to outdo each other. The conversation about making dc's costumes for world book day in March was unbelievable, I didn't do myself any favours when I announced that all costumes came from Amazon I'm obviously less of a mother if I'm not making costumes from pillowcases or gluing large pieces of cardboard together. Now its all very superficial and I am happy to stand on my own and wait.

[50shadesofknackered]

I wouldn't stand for bullying behaviours though, that's just awful

[Quitelikely]

I always time it so I'm there literally as the doors open, drop and go.

Same with collection.

I've done this for years. Never once made a friend at school, nursery and I'm so pleased after seeing threads like this!

[beautyfades]

Me too I Just make small talk.. It's pathetic realy for some of them it is the highlight of their day.

[Satsumafairy]

Thank you Scabetty on behalf of myself and other lesbian teachers worldwide!

[jollygoose]

I really sympathise but would ask you not to let her get away with it. How about next time hints at a nasty smell are made you challenge her perhaps loud enough for all to hear "what have I ever done to you to deserve being the but of your spiteful tongue" and show her up for the nasty bitch she is.
Good luck op don`t allow yourself to be bullied.

[windchime]

We have one clique of mums in the playground, and they are all really rough, bullying types. They fall out with each other all the time, and it is fun to spot which one of them is out of favour this week. One perceived slight, and the group turn into gorgons. I pass the time of day with anyone but I won't be making friends in that nest of vipers.

[Ragwort]

But you meet 'difficult' people everywhere - in the workplace, neighbours, in the pub, at Church - some people just are 'difficult' and as someone who has moved around the country a lot I have to say I have met quite a few friends 'at the school gate'. Of course you are not going to get on with everyone - but don't label all the 'school mums' as cliquey and unfriendly.

Equally I have tried to befriend some people I meet at the school gates who are so unfriendly and downright standoffish that I wonder why I bother. . For three years I walked the same route as a mum who lived very near me (same estate) and she never, ever spoke to me even though I tried to initiate conversation, always said 'good morning' etc etc.

[mumofthemonsters808]

I never get too involved, I will always have a poliete chat, but I really don't want to become friends or go on playdates. Therefore, over the years I've not really had a problem with this type of thing. It can work out for some people though, my Sister has a lovely group of friends who she met twenty years ago when her children were little.

[lem73]

I can't understand other mums witnessing this behaviour and continuing to mix with this woman. I could not see someone else treated like that. I would avoid the person behaving like that like the plague.
I have a really nice group of friends who I got to know through my ds so I wouldn't say avoid friendships with school mums. However if I feel I don't have much in common with someone I'm polite but don't go out of my way.