To think that friendships with other mums from school just aren't worth it?

[FrameMe]

Maybe I have just had bad experiences but I have decided that it just isn't worth having friendships with other mums from school anymore.

I have 3 DCs and there have been various things over the years at school that have made me think that close friendships with other mums just are not worth the hassle, but now there is a big thing and it's made me decide once and for all.

Youngest child is year 2. About a month after he had started in reception, the mum of another child in his class decided that she didn't like me due to the fact that my son had started to play with a friend of her son. She is a very loud, very pushy and intimidating, and goes around from person to person at school collection times bitching and gossiping. I think she is the kind of person that people don't like but because she is basically a bully they all just go along with things.

As a result of her not liking me, a lot of other mums have never really had much to do with me. If I chat to any of them they are quite offhand with me and act like they're scared to have too much to do with me. They are all very friendly with this other mum though. At parties they all sit with her. She is rude and intimidating to the teachers but they all let her get away with her behaviour, and she is always in the school helping out at things, and on the PTA, so I cannot help out at any of those things as she'll be unpleasant.

I eventually became friends with a group of 5 other mums that she didn't seem to have much to do with, and they all know about how she doesn't like me as she has made no secret of this when speaking to them, and also because I've told them about her behaviour towards me. However she has now started to try to become best friends with them too. I have always stood with them at school collection and now most days she is there with them before I get there, and if I stand with them she starts making comments about me or about there being a 'funny smell' where I am standing. No one says anything to her, they just all smile. She has also barged into me several times when I've been standing with my friends at pick up, to push me out the way to stand with them all. And now I've found that she is having a big coffee morning next week and has invited all my friends, plus loads of other mums.

So anyway, I have decided that it just isn't worth the hassle being friends with any mums from school. I will still be polite to everyone and have DS's friends round to play, but I'm not going to pursue friendships any longer at the school. Luckily I have lovely friends that I've known for ages, as well as lovely work colleagues that I often socialise with.

Does anyone else not bother making friends with other school mums?

[esiotrot2015]

The smell thing is bizarre

I know no one , & I mean noone who would act like that or watch someone else act like that
Every adult I know would think that woman was deranged

[esiotrot2015]

Ragwort is true that you do meet difficult people - bossy , bitchy , two faced etc

But this is something else !

[Pancakeflipper]

How horrible is she? And no-one is standing aside from her even if not confronting her face to face to show that they like your friendship?
She really does rule doesn't she?

There has to be another mother who refuses to join in with the bully and her arsewipes. Keep looking, you will find her.

We had a 'Queen Bee' but everyone wised up. She took her kids out of the school and went elsewhere when told she was toxic. Took 4 yrs though.

[momtothree]

I was part if a group and towards xmas they would organise a Y4 meal one person asked if they could come and was told no as their child was in Y2 (along with other Y4 moms siblings) I also asked the organiser and was told no as no Y4 child.... follow FB pictures - I didnt want to be part if that as it was pathetic she is a nice person and i dont choose friends on the age of their kids!!!

[WipsGlitter]

This makes me sad. I really like they other mums at school. They're all really friendly and I've had some lovely nights out with them.

She obviously has ishhoos, but I've no advice on how to deal with them unless you actually want to confront her.

Just focus on the ones you do get on with. Do none of you work? How come you're all hanging round at collection. There's a lot to be said for working!!

[maliaki]

If she sniffs and ask what the smell is, look sympathetic and say "I think it's you, hun."

[JoffreyBaratheon]

I never bothered and now my kids are older, I can see it didn't matter, anyway. I perfected the art of wearing shades and listening to a Walkman (early 2000s) later an iPod. To head any attempts off at the pass.

[TwoOddSocks]

Bloody hell, I didn't know anyone who behaved like that when I was at school let alone a parent. I don't think I'd have the energy to try and deal with that personally. I'd probably not bother. When they're in secondary school I would assume all of this will evaporate when the kids no longer want their parents anywhere near the school gates.

[birobenny]

The only other time I have ever come across an adult doing and saying stuff like this there was a racist element to the behaviour. Could that be the case here OP? If it could be then feel free to make hay...

[IFinishedTheBiscuits]

Maliaki, problem is you'll never out-bitch someone like that. Sounds like she's had a lot of practice and she'll probably relish a slanging match.
I think you have to take the moral high ground, be the 'bigger' person, be direct but calm, and she'll show herself up, self-implode, or both.

[bumbleymummy]

She sounds horrible

I made some friends with mums from a previous school and we're still in touch now. They are lovely people. There are a few nice mums in the new school but quite a few nasty gossipy ones and aside from the cliquey few everyone just seems to keep to themselves which suits me fine!

[Mintyy]

I feel sorry for all of you who are too intimidated to speak to other parents in the school playground.

And agree with everyone else - OP you really must say something to this horror. She is off the scale bitchy.

[SwirlyThingAlert]

I'm another one who says less of the lumping all mums together in the same category and deeming them all horrible.
Not everyone's the same. Some people just obviously never evolve from the playground crap and take it into adulthood.
I DO know where you're coming from though, as when my eldest started school I was chatty with one of the other mums, and her group of friends and got invited to stuff.
They could just turn like that though, and they were always falling out with each other, and I was on the end of some passive aggressive texts and shit and I just thought "I can't be doing with all this" and left them all to it.
I'm friends with another mum from the same year, not of the same group, and she's ace.
Even though our kids don't go to the same school anymore, we still make time to meet up once a month for a good breakfast and catch up in the local cafe or whatever.
It's just a case of finding someone on your wavelength. I hated all the silly Queen Bee bitches at school, and was never part of the crowd, but saw all the fallouts. I knew there was a reason not to bother with them, and getting 'in' as an adult to a clique showed me I was right all along and they're just not worth bothering with!
Just a 'hello' to some of the mums standing on their own at pickup time, or chatting about something the class has been doing will do it. General chit chat and something may evolve.
(Sorry that turned into a ramble!)

[SwirlyThingAlert]

and if I stand with them she starts making comments about me or about there being a 'funny smell' where I am standing

Just noticed that bit. What an utter cow. What is she, 5?! (Sorry to all 5 year olds.)
What do you put up with that type of shit for? I'm the least confrontational person ever but even that would get to me and I'd have to say something.
"Yes, there is a bit of a smell around here. You must have trodden in something as it's definitely coming from you."
Then walk away. Silly cow that she is.

[muminhants]

This mum sounds particularly bad, but there was a mum at my ds's school who clearly was affronted one evening when I sat next to "her" friend at a concert or parent's meeting or whatever it was and simply plonked herself inbetween us. I was a bit

Yesterday I commented on the "being late to pick up because the bus was late thread" saying that it really isn't that easy to make friends with mums at school so they'll do emergency pick-ups for you and this is why. I worked FT, so the only mums I fitted in with were other mums who worked FT and of course they couldn't have done pick-ups for me because they worked FT.

I'm not sure why women get so bitchy around schools, but it appears to be a fact of life.

When I collected from school I used to go at the last minute, hover in an our-of-the-way place and then appear when I saw ds. So glad he walks home on his own now. Still hate having to go to meetings though. I usually arrive at the last minute so I can slide in and sit at the back. I was a school governor (meetings were in the evening) so found out a lot about school politics and what was going on that way. Local Facebook groups are good as well, you can lurk without posting and see what people are getting het up about.

[maddening]

You need some good comebacks - eg the smell - say " yes, it's the stench of unworthy self importance emanating from your arse " and smile.

[sockmatcher]

I can't believe none of the others have taken a stand. I would have but then Im always fighting for whats right rather than what's easy.

Next time she mentions funny smell tell her she needs to get her sinuses checked out..... She's always complaning maybe she has an infection

[lem73]

We have a notorious mum at our school who is known for ranting and raving at the parents of kids who upset her darlings in the middle of the playground. Any reasonable person would steer clear of her but she is surrounded by a circle of admirers who find her behaviour hilarious. I think it's like the school bully who has a gang of supporters and I'm guessing they probably behaved like that at school.

[JoffreyBaratheon]

We were cut up on the way to go to our Year 8 son's Parent's Evening last week. The man who cut us up was this big, bald, thuggish looking bloke. We were surprised when he turned, just ahead of us, into the school. Another parent, then...

As we came away from talking to the first teacher, my husband clocked the bald thuggy man ranting and raving at a (perfectly nice) teacher, something about his little darling being in trouble. Half an hour later we saw him with a different teacher, also shouting at them like a lunatic.

[Pameron]

Tell her the smell must be all the shit that's coming out of her mouth.

[Andrewofgg]

DS is 30 and we are on good terms with a couple we met when he was at nursery school with their son, so there you go!

[ladydepp]

I agree that this woman sounds horrible, but it does seem a bit of an overreaction to exclude a whole group of people as potential friends based on a couple of bad experiences.

I have met some of my dearest friends at my kids' primary school over the years, and I've met a couple of horrors too! I guess I'm lucky that I don't find it cliquey, but there are a few women (and men!) that I won't be going on holiday with anytime soon! Just like at work, at university, in my own family.....

Keep your options open, and give that a horrible woman an elbow in the ribs next time you walk past her

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Is she a 12 year old in disguise.
Me thinks her nose is too near her arse

[ipadmad]

I had a similar experience - in my case, I was sidelined by a Queen Bee - can't remember the Mumsnet term for this - Wendy? - and lost several 'friends' through it.

In any event, I keep myself to myself now and am much the happier for it :)