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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring my baby to the wedding?

70 replies

SusanOfStoHelit · 19/04/2015 06:04

Sorry, I know that variations on this theme pop up on this all the time, but:

My cousin is getting married in the fall. We live about a 12 hour drive / 1.5 hour plane ride away from them. The wedding is on a tiny island, so guests will be staying the night in camping-style cabins and going home the next day.
I have a baby who will be 11 months old. I'm not comfortable leaving him behind to go to the wedding, so when my aunt asked whether I was coming, I said I'd like to come if I could, but wasn't sure how the bride and groom felt about babies at a wedding. She suggested, and I agreed to, childcare on the island, but that fell through, so she said that I could keep him with me, and just leave early if he gets antsy. Fine by me.

I talked to my dad this morning, and he told me that cousin's family had been adamant about not wanting children at the wedding. I've asked dad to clarify with my aunt and let her know that I'm totally fine if they want to have a kid-free wedding, I just won't be able to attend.
My question: I'm assuming that my aunt felt uncomfortable saying "no kids" when I asked. I did try to stress that it wasn't a problem to have a no kids policy, I just wouldn't be able to come. So, is there a way I could have worded my inquiry that would have made it easier for her to say no? Brides, have you felt uncomfortable fielding questions from family in similar circumstances?

OP posts:
Stopandlook · 19/04/2015 06:21

I'd decline the invite due to childcare reasons and then see if decline is accepted or whether she says to bring your baby.

If you bring baby regardless or makes it difficult for the other guests who haven't been able to bring their children or had to decline.

Stopandlook · 19/04/2015 06:23

It does sound like Aunt wants you to come though. But I would still check with bride.

MuttonCadet · 19/04/2015 06:25

Ask the bride?

Original poster
SusanOfStoHelit · 19/04/2015 06:28

I did ask the bride, no acknowledgement or reply.

OP posts:
shewept · 19/04/2015 06:34

I would decline. If you turn up with the baby when everyone else has left their children at home, it could cause problems. Its not really your aunts place to tell you its ok to bring the baby if the bride and groom have said no kids.

MuttonCadet · 19/04/2015 07:06

I'd read a lack of response as the negative.

Only1scoop · 19/04/2015 07:17

The aunt felt awkward saying no I reckon. I think your family understood it was no dc. If that's the case Id probably decline.

If you turn up with dc other guests could be a little put out.

londonrach · 19/04/2015 07:26

Decline or arrange childcare. Bride too nervous to say hi. Sounds like aunt really wants you to come. Nice card and pressie as its family. Make sure you see the photos so aunt happy xx

shewept · 19/04/2015 07:28

You asked if brides have felt uncomfortable fielding these types if questions. I would suggest the no response means that she isn't uncomfortable, she is a bit irritated. If you look at it from her point of view she has said no kids, she then gets people asking about whether they can bring kids. If you have made something clear, it gets tiresome if people are asking the question and has probably had people asking similar things.

I wouldn't have had a child free wedding. But, I can see why its this question gets annoying. You need to make the decision rather than saying 'is it definitely no kids, I honestly don't mind but it means I can't come' either sounds like a hint for her to let you bring your child or asking her to make the decision on whether you are coming or not.

londonrach · 19/04/2015 07:28

No not hi!

Chunkymonkey79 · 19/04/2015 07:35

Everybody on here is just making assumptions on how the bride might feel. Nobody actually knows her or what she thinks.

Just ask her direct, explain your problem and make it clear you are fine to decline if child can't come and won't be upset, it might be fine with her.

Only1scoop · 19/04/2015 07:35

Agree Shewept....

I think the 'it's fine but we won't be able to come' would make me feel a little obliged to agree to your dc to be there ....when my plans were child free.

The childcare which presumably the bride was trying to sort has fallen through....the fact she suggested childcare gives you a huge hint as to her actual plans.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 19/04/2015 07:36

Too many people involved here OP. Aunt, dad, etc. Just ring her and ask her directly, and then decide what you will do from there.

Ginmartini · 19/04/2015 07:47

I'm sorry but if someone says 'no children' they do actually mean 'no children' and I can't believe how many Mumsnetters think it's ok to 'ask the bride' if their child is an exception!

If she'd meant 'no kids except under one's' or 'no kids except family' she would have said so.

The ONLY situation where it's ok to ask if you are EBF and they may not know, so it's possible ok to point out that a breast feeding mother can't attend without their baby.

Otherwerise it is RUDE.

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 19/04/2015 08:10

My understanding (and the basis on.which we and others have held our own child free weddings) is that 'babes in arms' are excepted. This was put to the test with a six week old at one friends wedding...nobody even knew he was there.

I'm afraid I would see an 11 month old as being beyond this rule but definitely check with the bride or groom if you can. Sounds like you're being perfectly reasonable though. We had a couple of tantrums within the extended family. Most entertaining was the ridiculous response from the family member whose child was essentially the reason for the rule in the first place!

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 19/04/2015 08:25

My sister is getting married in two weeks. She has said family children only due to capacity issues but one friend has continuously put pressure on her to bring her 1 year old. Sister has said that it's unfair on those with younger babies whose partners are staying at home with them.
I also said no children at my wedding and a couple of people repeatedly put pressure on me for their kids to attend.
Not saying you've done this OP but it does cause bad feeling.
I would (and have) politely decline.

Satsumafairy · 19/04/2015 08:26

I don't think you're being rude at all. You're getting conflicting information from people and don't know what to do for the best. I think, on balance, if you can't get a response from the bride (and based on what your dad said) I'd decline and see what happens. I don't think you're being manipulative at all. A child free wedding is fair enough but it does mean that some people might not be able to attend.

Tizwailor · 19/04/2015 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarletforya · 19/04/2015 08:28

No reply or acknowledgement from the bride?

That's rude. I wouldn't go.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 19/04/2015 08:32

If the child's name isn't on the invitation, they're generally not invited. So I wouldn't even ask and put someone in an awkward position, I'd politely decline as 'DS is a bit too young to leave at the moment but have a wonderful day and we'll catch up afterwards'. If they want to make an exception they can but I do think it's rude to ask outright.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 19/04/2015 08:32

If the bride hasn't responded to you then I wouldn't go.

Rude of her not to reply.

gointothewoods · 19/04/2015 08:32

Do you want to go?
If you want to go and really couldn't bear to leave the child with someone else, go and leave dc with your partner assuming you have one.
I would not bring a child of that age to a wedding. At that age mine were into everything. You wouldn't be very likely to have any fun or be able to relax.

Bowlersarm · 19/04/2015 08:32

What Ginmartini said.

GERTI · 19/04/2015 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Satsumafairy · 19/04/2015 08:57

Yes, I think it's a case of her not responding because she feels awkward but that doesn't help you!!

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