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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To bring my baby to the wedding?

70 replies

SusanOfStoHelit · 19/04/2015 06:04

Sorry, I know that variations on this theme pop up on this all the time, but:

My cousin is getting married in the fall. We live about a 12 hour drive / 1.5 hour plane ride away from them. The wedding is on a tiny island, so guests will be staying the night in camping-style cabins and going home the next day.
I have a baby who will be 11 months old. I'm not comfortable leaving him behind to go to the wedding, so when my aunt asked whether I was coming, I said I'd like to come if I could, but wasn't sure how the bride and groom felt about babies at a wedding. She suggested, and I agreed to, childcare on the island, but that fell through, so she said that I could keep him with me, and just leave early if he gets antsy. Fine by me.

I talked to my dad this morning, and he told me that cousin's family had been adamant about not wanting children at the wedding. I've asked dad to clarify with my aunt and let her know that I'm totally fine if they want to have a kid-free wedding, I just won't be able to attend.
My question: I'm assuming that my aunt felt uncomfortable saying "no kids" when I asked. I did try to stress that it wasn't a problem to have a no kids policy, I just wouldn't be able to come. So, is there a way I could have worded my inquiry that would have made it easier for her to say no? Brides, have you felt uncomfortable fielding questions from family in similar circumstances?

OP posts:

Littlemonstersrule · 19/04/2015 09:32

It puts people in an awkward position to ask them to bring extra guests, be it a wedding or childs party etc. It makes the host feel they can't say no.

Can you not take a sitter with you if you really want to go?

goodnessgraciousgouda · 19/04/2015 09:50

Maybe the bride hasn't replied because she is busy? How long has it been since you asked her?

Our wedding was child free, and that definitely included babes in arms. Luckily, we didn't know anyone with tiny babies at the time anyway.

OP - Your cousin may well be too busy to get back to you right now, or it might just be that she is dreading the conversation. Could you drop her a phone call saying

"I know you specified a child free wedding, and I totally understand that. I just wanted to speak to you about it due to a conversation I've had with Aunt X, as it seemed to go against what you wrote in the invite. Aunt X has said I should bring child A, but leave if he gets antsy. Would bringing him cause a lot of awkwardness for you with other guests?"

Basically just try not to be defensive about it, or say anything which might make her feel defensive about it. Don't say anything like "Oh because if I can't bring him then I can't come" because it's basically putting her in a really shitty position.

Definitely DEFINITELY don't just show up to the wedding with the child.

maliaki · 19/04/2015 10:02

I'd decline the wedding OP. They don't want kids there, your aunt messed up saying it was fine. Best way is not to enquire but to decline on the basis of childcare. If they want you there and are happy to allow your DC then they'll say so when you decline.

maliaki · 19/04/2015 10:04

I wonder if Bride knows what aunt said as well. She may be stressed or busy, unsure how to respond but she could be irritated since your dad's said they don't want kids there then I wonder if he was told for a reason.

MidniteScribbler · 19/04/2015 10:14

I also think it's quite unhelpful to not have explicit instructions on what the B&G actually want.

If the child's name is not on the invitation, then they are not invited. It's pretty simple really.

Original poster

SusanOfStoHelit · 19/04/2015 10:15

Shewept cousin didn't say no kids. If she had, of course I would have declined.
I don't have cousin's phone number, although I could get it. They're doing online invites and email RSVPs, so I contacted them via the online system they'd set up to ask about kids. When I didn't hear back, I assumed that I wasn't coming. Then aunt contacted me a few weeks later to ask. She did mention that there would be a six-month old "flower girl" at the wedding, so that's why I was so surprised today. I'm pretty sure that my dad contacted my aunt, not my cousin, to ask about kids, so I'm surprised that she seems to have told us both such different things. My dad would have been asking on behalf of a six year old relative, though, and not a baby - maybe that's it?
Obviously I'm not close to my cousin, but she's a nice person, we were friends as children, and I like her family. I'm happy to go if she wants me there, but it's going to be a bit of an expensive trip and I wouldn't be crushed to stay home.

OP posts:

Original poster

SusanOfStoHelit · 19/04/2015 10:18

Ginmartini the baby is breastfed, doesn't take a bottle, and currently eats very little solid food (although not for lack of trying!)

OP posts:

maliaki · 19/04/2015 10:19

My dad would have been asking on behalf of a six year old relative, though, and not a baby - maybe that's it?

Possibly but it could also be that there's no kids or babies other then the bridal party. Why don't you call your aunt and ask? Just say, you aren't sure whether to accept or decline because she said it was okay and your dad said childfree and the B&G haven't replied.

Blarblarblar · 19/04/2015 10:20

I would decline, it's a shame but I think it's important to respect the brides wishes. If it's no kids then don't bring any. 11 month old will be into everything you'll probably be chasing them around tables, dance floor generally getting in the way. Probably exactly the situation the bride and groom didn't want.

Blarblarblar · 19/04/2015 10:22

Sorry just read your other post. How has she expressed no kids? Confused.

NameChange30 · 19/04/2015 10:23

It's rude of the bride not to reply. They should have made it clear on the wedding invitation or website whether or not they want babies/children there, and since they didn't it's perfectly reasonable of you to ask.

I do think you need to speak to the bride directly rather than go through other people. But if you don't hear from her I think you will just have to go with your baby (which I don't think would be an issue because noone has actually told you not to bring the baby, so why shouldn't you) or don't go. Up to you how important it is to you to go the wedding. But I have to say if the bride wasn't replying to me that wouldn't exactly encourage me to make the effort to attend.

Original poster

SusanOfStoHelit · 19/04/2015 10:27

Original invitation was received about a month ago. I've already told aunt and bride that I'm coming, but hopefully based on new information I can now decline?

OP posts:

Original poster

SusanOfStoHelit · 19/04/2015 10:31

Blarblarblar, there wasn't anything on the wedding invite about no kids, and the first I heard about it was from talking with my dad today. My son and the six year old are currently the only children on bride's side of the family, so she may have forgotten to put it on the invites.

OP posts:

maliaki · 19/04/2015 10:36

Original invitation was received about a month ago. I've already told aunt and bride that I'm coming, but hopefully based on new information I can now decline

This sounds like you want to decline anyway OP, in which case just decline regardless. People tend to be very specific on invitations to avoid kids/plus ones being brought, but then I've seen some people nowadays do put 'we regret we can't have kids' on invites too.

NameChange30 · 19/04/2015 10:38

Well you've only heard it third hand (through your dad speaking to your aunt) and I would want to hear it direct from the bride and groom.
How weird that your aunt didn't give you a clear answer when you asked her.
If they don't want children or babies at the wedding (which isn't fair if some are allowed and some aren't!) they should at least have the balls to be up front and clear about it

Creatureofthenight · 19/04/2015 10:43

I would go with what other posters have said, if the invite didn't have your Dc's name on it, then he isn't invited.
I don't think it was unreasonable to check this with your aunt, would have been nice if she'd been clearer.

Blarblarblar · 19/04/2015 10:44

Well if it didn't say and your aunt is saying it's ok then I would assume it is. Just depends if your up for it, no shame in not fancying a camping event with an 11 month old.

chickenfuckingpox · 19/04/2015 10:50

I would get her number call her directly apologise and explain the confusion if your not close close she won't be fussed about your attendance so it wont turn out to be a family incident! ??

worserevived · 19/04/2015 10:51

A 12 hour drive/1.5hr flight with a 11 month old? I'd decline on that basis alone!!!!

Back to the point, if it's no dcs on the invite, that is what the bride wants. If she makes an exception for you she has to for everyone. Her day, her rules. Declining is the only polite option.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 19/04/2015 11:01

But if you don't hear from her I think you will just have to go with your baby

Please don't do this, it's a terrible idea! Her dad has said they are adamant about not wanting extra children, it could ruin the bride/OP's relationship.

I would apologise for not realising preference was for no children and politely decline. If the bride is willing to make an exception she'll let you know.

maddiehayesfan · 19/04/2015 11:04

Your child isn't invited. If you don't want to leave your baby, you need to decline the invitation. Ringing her and asking her puts her in the awful position of either having to say no, or feeling pressured into saying yes when she's arranged a child-free wedding and everyone else has done the decent thing and arranged childcare. Asking her is being extremely entitled. Either leave your baby with a sitter or decline the invite.

Bakeoffcake · 19/04/2015 11:08

You need to talk to the Bride.

NameChange30 · 19/04/2015 11:18

"Her dad has said they are adamant about not wanting extra children"

Really? I don't think he has said that actually.

OP has nothing to apologise for! It wasn't clear on the invitation or website so she is completely entitled to ask the question!

If it was clear and OP was asking to break the rules, it would be different. But that's not the case. OP is just trying to find out what the rules actually are!

NameChange30 · 19/04/2015 11:21

Also I don't think turning up with a baby is going to ruin the wedding for the bride and groom, with everything else going on I will doubt they will care. Especially as there will be another baby there. I think it should be no children/babies AT ALL, and if that's not the rule then how can they expect some people to bring their children and others not to? Maybe that's why they're not being clear, they know they can't say no if they've said yes to others.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 19/04/2015 11:23

I talked to my dad this morning, and he told me that cousin's family had been adamant about not wanting children at the wedding.

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